How You Can Help Mum After Your Baby’s Birth

Many women are guilty of it – sometimes we expect (and / or would like!) for our partners to read our mind. Usually it’s due to thinking that they should be able to work out what we are trying to get at or that he should already know what we need. This can be very unhelpful though, especially during times when we really do need help, i.e. after we’ve just had a baby.

Because it’s quite difficult to simply ‘guess’ what women need, I decided to write an article full of various tips and suggestions coming directly from experienced mums. BellyBelly’s Psychologist, Danny Chable, has also compiled his ten top tips, in order to help take the guesswork out of supporting new mums. Oh and don’t fret; we’ve also created a similar articles for mums too – how they can help their partner after baby is born!

Firstly, here is a list of suggestions which the BellyBelly mums came up with, which was helpful to them after their baby was born. Some of these are more physical help, but some also help emotionally and mentally, allowing mum to have a rest in order to prepare for another day of taking care of your beautiful but also very dependent baby.

Things You Can Do With Baby

• Taking baby out for a walk so mum can have some quiet time
• Feed the baby in the middle of the night or bring the baby to mum if breastfeeding (could also be expressed breastmilk to give mum a rest); or;
• Feed the baby in the morning (again with expressed breastmilk or formula if formula fed) so mum can get a sleep in
• Take the baby for a cuddle if s/he is crying and mum is getting upset or flustered
• Help to look after any older children so that mum can adjust to life with a newborn again as well as give mum a bit of quality time with the baby. This applies to the other children as well – all need equal one on one time with both parents
• Make sure you learn to bath baby and change nappies

Many mums find it helpful and enjoyable when a specific job/s can be designated to dad, for example doing the nightly bath or going for a nightly walk – something regular that mums can look forward to as time they know they will have to themselves to ‘zone out’ and not be on alert.

Things You Can Do For Mum

• Make mum any meals, e.g. breakfast in the morning before going to work, or take over cooking every now and again – make sure she’s eating three good meals a day which can often get overlooked with young children.
• Send her off for a massage, regularly if possible – a babe in arms all day, especially after giving birth, is not good for the poor old back!
• Encourage her to seek support and check in with her regularly to see if she feels she is coping
• Tell her she’s doing a great job
• Tell her that you are proud of her / love her
• No pressure for sexual acts – intimacy will return again soon, however pressure can make this a less enjoyable time. For further reading on this topic, check out our articles Sex After Baby and What Will Happen To My Sexlife?
• Bring a drink of water when breastfeeding
• Let her de-brief / talk about the labour and birth as many times as necessary, without getting annoyed. Women find the need to talk such a huge life event over with someone who will just listen.
• Tell her that it doesn’t matter if the home is messier than usual and help to do a bit of tidying
• Let her cry or be emotional without trying to ‘fix’ her – simply comfort her
• Appreciate her
• Buy her a pressie for no reason
• Send her out for a haircut / colour so she can feel a bit more fresh or glamourous
• Send her out to buy a new outfit or two – after having a baby her maternity clothes won’t fit and neither will her pre-pregnancy clothes, which can leave mums feeling miserable with not much to wear
• Run her a bath and buy her some non baby magazines
• Let her take over the remote
• Insist that she go and have a shower while baby is sleeping and you will take care of it if baby wakes; or offer to take baby out so she can have a peaceful shower.

Being at home with a baby is an extremely nurturing intensive role; even though it might seem like she is doing very little or nothing, tending to a baby all day is a great deal of emotional and physical work.

Babies can only communicate to us through crying (which they normally do a great deal of in the early months!), which requires a great deal of energy and patience to find out what the problem is and then resolve it. Lots of settling and cuddling – while it might sound easy – is very exhausting and tiring and will often consume a whole day.

Mums can become so distracted and busy with a baby that they don’t even get the time to eat properly, not to mention fitting in time to do the cleaning. Eating well is very important of course, but cleaning is not. Mums may feel that if they don’t attend to their babies needs first and foremost, that this may label them as a bad mother or failure. They may also feel down or stressed about not getting any housework done – trust me – we hate living and ‘working’ in a messy environment just as much as you do.

So a little nurturing given back to mum is very important, because it can be difficult to give so much intensive nurturing when you get little or none yourself. By offering lots of nurturing to mum, you are loading her with more power to nurture others, including yourself. It certainly makes mothering MUCH easier when mothers feel that they are being taken care of too.

Things To Do With The House

• If in the budget, hire a cleaner, regularly if possible in the early weeks / months
• If you can see that the clothes need washing, do a load of washing and hang it out
• Clean the bathroom / kitchen / lounge room
• Take charge of making sure that visitors don’t outstay their welcome or turn up at inconvenient hours
• Hire her a post-natal Doula – a post-natal Doula can help out with baby care and attending to mum, providing nurturing, light housework and a someone to lean on in times of need. For information on locating a Doula in your area, email us.
• Pick up take away on the way home or cook dinner (after cooking dinner do the washing up)
• Be a spokesperson for visitors
• Take over some of the household responsibilities – i.e. paying bills, organising thank you notes, checking emails, making appointments
• Take over the grocery shopping or do the shopping online
• Be the one who organises the maternity payment and child payments

One thing to mention here is that if you can see something that needs doing, don’t leave it and wait to be asked. Make a conscious effort to check and see if there’s anything you can do, from picking up wet towels in the bathroom to bits on the living room floor to cleaning the microwave – be one step ahead and you will be surprised how much it can actually help reduce the stress and pressure on both partners. This doesn’t at all mean that you have to be constantly cleaning and on alert without having a rest or time for you – but there are little things you can do while you are already in a specific room which require little effort.

BellyBelly’s Psychologist, Daniel Chable has these top ten tips for men:

• Don’t be solution focused
• Do try to nurture your wife, e.g. prepare, serve up, and clean up a meal at least once a week
• Don’t behave as though nothing has changed e.g. continuing to play cricket, hang out with the boys – you’re not an adolescent any more and your wife needs you
• Do be prepared to be around without actually believing you have to do stuff – this is very hard to do but your wife really values you being there
• Don’t be a wimp i.e. you need to be able to do everything your wife does except breastfeeding if she does that
• Do arrange things such that your wife has the opportunity to have some free (non-shopping) time at least once a week such that she can actually leave the house and do something for herself
• Don’t expect that your wife is going to be passionate about sex for a while as she’s actually exhausted – What she needs is a soul mate
• Do make time to listen to her problems, concerns issues by for example, making a cup of tea or coffee and sitting down with her; let her know that you hear what she says, be empathic to her difficult experiences, and don’t come up with answers
• Don’t talk to your wife as if she’s a bloke i.e. she doesn’t think, feel and process things like blokes do
• Do remember to include humour in your relationship and don’t let your fights continue overnight.

Daniel Chable currently practices at:

Mitcham Private Hospital Consulting Rooms Telephone: (03) 9210 3146

MMC Consulting Suites, Templestowe Telephone: (03) 8850 0456

Boroondara Consulting Suites, Hawthorn Telephone: (03) 9819 9877