A Mother’s Diary From a Mother & Baby Unit

Here’s something we all know – motherhood is tough work. These days, there are so many factors making it tougher for families and the way we raise our children. It’s not the way we were designed to bring up a family and I constantly despair on the strains of modern family life. The huge rates of post-natal depression, divorce and other issues do not surprise me at all, given we are working against biological programming and the basic needs of new mothers.

So, going back to 2002, when my daughter was almost 5 months old, I realised things weren’t as they should be, how much so I didn’t know, the local GP told me I was just tired and we all get that. Uh ha. Maybe I was just high maintainance and should shut up and cope with what being a mother was all about? Because babies cry and don’t like to sleep, and that’s what everyone is going through right?

Upon hearing another mother talk of how fabulous a particular mother and baby unit was, I wanted to be there too. She spoke of having a snooze in the sunshine while her son slept, food being prepared for her and great support from the nurses. Sounded great – but it didn’t end up like that for me, in fact it was my biggest parenting regret because it worked against every inch and instinct of what I knew as a mother – I wanted to console my baby, not leave her to cry. I didn’t want to be forced to have sleeping tablets only to be woken at night and my baby brought to me. It did my head in and was the beginning of who I am now and the beliefs I hold.

Here’s what I wrote at the time, while my daughter was having a sleep in one of their baby rooms. I just let the words fall out of my mind and onto the paper, as they came.

Writings From a Mother & Baby Unit

I love Marisa so much. I hate doing this to her but I know its important for her to learn how to sleep. I’m sick of crying and my head wont stop hurting. I’m tired but I can’t sleep. I feel like I am coping less everyday but I want to be able to manage everything better. I know my husband is learning too, but I wish he could help me more. I feel bad asking him because he gets tired and works long hours. I wish I had some support. I wish I had time to sit down and eat uninterrupted. I always feel hungry but it’s too hard to make myself something. I am sick of snacky junk foods, it makes me feel worse. I wish I was a stronger person. I wish I could enjoy hot showers again. I wish I could make Marisa happy.

I wish I was better able to give my husband more attention. I hate it how little things get to me. I hate bottling up all my feelings then exploding at my poor husband. I hope he feels more confident with Marisa soon. I wonder how I will cope if everyone tries to grab and pass Marisa around all day at our wedding coming up soon. I hope I don’t get upset and ruin the day for myself. I wish I could go out with Marisa and she was settled. I am sick of being stuck in the house for four months. Writing this is giving me a headache.

I have to get Marisa’s vaccinations done and I don’t want to see her cry. I feel guilty wishing that someone else could take her because I feel like I am the one who should be there for her, holding her while she is upset. I wish I could cuddle her now. I wish I had time to give more attention to our pets. I can’t wait to take Marisa to baby swimming lessons. I want to be a good mum for Marisa and I want us to have the best relationship we can have. Everyone thinks I am crazy to want a brother or sister for Marisa which will be close in age, I think close is better. I feel like everyone judges everything I say and do, so I would rather say nothing sometimes. I feel lonely during the day.

I love being a mum. No matter how bad things have gotten or will get, I will always know that I am so very lucky and happy to have Marisa. I hate thinking about bad things that might happen, all the time, if one of us was to get hurt, sick or as bad as it sounds, if we were to die. I don’t know what I would do without my husband or Marisa. I think I would go absolutely mental. I am tired and I feel nauseous. I am so sick of feeling sick.

So, where to?

When you are feeling like this, the hardest thing to do is to ask for help – or even recognise there could be a problem. I ended up in the mother and baby unit for 2 weeks, was put on meds and almost died of shock when a psychiatrist was sent in to do an assessment – they are the ones who prescribe the medication. But boy did I feel crazy at the time – didn’t really help my confidence!

The mother & baby unit wasn’t the help I thought it was going to be, as there was nothing else we could do, nothing was working on the sleep side of things, she still fought it just as hard as when we’d arrived. Only I had had a panic attack, the first ever in my life, my daughter vomited massive amounts, lost weight and almost ended up on formula and didn’t smile anywhere near as much as she used to for a long time. But I was on meds, so off I go, insurance company wouldn’t have been happy with my hospital bill!

There was no aftercare or help. I rang for help one night when she was crying non-stop, they told me to call back tomorrow as they were busy. So in desperation I called the maternal health line who told me it was okay for her to cry for up to two hours. I don’t think so. We co-slept from then on and didn’t feel an ounce bad about it. We finally had sanity, we finally had more sleep at night. But what an ordeal to have to go through to finally trust my instincts and do what a mother is capable of doing.

So it seems these days, you need to get your own help, because all mothers do need it at some point in some sort of form. Be it emotional help, physical help or both.

To save some potential heartache, here are a list of places to start with to help make your parenting journey that little bit easier – catch is you have to reach out, ask for it, do it… no-one will do it for you and often people don’t even know what to do or say even if they actually do notice you need help.

A little gem my mother told me was that having a baby and when your children go to kinder/school are the best times you can make new friends, life friends – i.e. a support and/or social network. You really need to take advantage of this, as people are going through what you are and have the same interests you do – children.

Practical Help

Post-Natal Doulas are angels – they are a great option for post-natal mothers needing support. They are usually birth doulas too, however they have additional training and/or experience in the post-natal period, and may include breastfeeding, counselling, support, massage and can help around the home. Sometimes just having someone experienced that you can call upon for a few hours to hold and care for your baby while you have a shower, listen to how you feel or even do a quick vacuum and dishes can make all the difference. You can find some post-natal doulas in the BellyBelly Directory.

Cleaners are also worth it for your sanity! Don’t feel like you are a failure, or that you should be managing, remember, we weren’t meant to raise babies on our own, but in a community where everyone helped. In many cultures the mother is nurtured and surrounded by the community when she has a newborn. It really does take a village to raise a child, something we no longer have. So hiring a weekly cleaner for a while until you find your feet, or even on an ongoing basis is a great option. Happy mummy, happy baby.

Family and friends often want to help but don’t know how, or have to guess because they too are not used to little ones being around all the time and/or don’t know how you are feeling. Don’t feel bad asking for help, they will feel better knowing how they can help you in a way you need, and you will feel better asking for what you need. Ask them to bring around a meal if they come over, or if they can help out with the dishes. When you have a newborn, most people who come over are very willing to help, so make the most of it while it lasts!

Breastfeeding Help

If breastfeeding is an issue, I always recommend people hire their own lactation consultant. Not just the hospital or council lactation consultant or midwife, but an IBCLC – International Board Certified Lacation Consultant. You can find the IBCLC website here. As a birth doula, I see far to many women go through loads of hospital midwives who confuse them over advice, then the council LC and even day stays at a hospital – yet get home and it all falls apart. An IBCLC has gone through extensive training, they have huge medical textbooks to study, loads of hours of experience to make up and more. They know their stuff, they come to you and you aren’t rushed.

Of course, there is the fantastic Australian Breastfeeding Association. It’s a double in one – you can get breastfeeding help and support as well social opportunities. As a member, you will receive regular publications, including newsletters of your local group gatherings, which are very supportive no matter what experience you have had, and often have talks on a range of topics. The ABA also offers workshops on a range of topics by great speakers.

Parenting Help

There is an abundance of parenting advice and help out there, the key is to get the good resources and help for you. There are far too many books out there that promise loads of sleep and other unrealistic routines and schedules from your baby – setting you up to further failure. Some routines have even led to ‘failure to thrive’ in some babies and made them sick. So choosing books to read is really important in terms of your journey and confidence.

Books

BellyBelly recommends a range of good books, which we have in the online store. We only sell the books that are worth reading and have solid and sound advice and based on good study.

Anything by Pinky McKay is great, the Science of Parenting by Margot Sunderland, the Continuum Concept, Three in a Bed by Deborah Jackson, anything by Steve Biddulph – all great authors. For more ideas check out our online store.

Classes and Courses

There are a range of classes and courses just like there are books. Infant massage is a great way to soothe your baby and help with bonding and connection. Pinky McKay also runs series of classes for a range of parenting topics. Even if you don’t know anything in your state or area, contacting people who you trust for recommendations is always a good start.

Kelly Zantey is a birth attendant (aka doula) the creator of BellyBelly, mum to two beautiful children and has also opened the BellyBelly Pregnancy Centre in Canterbury, VIC.