Being a parent is such hard work, nothing else in the world can prepare you for it! Every little laugh counts, so here’s 51 funny (and not so funny!) ways you know that you’re a parent (and that you’re alive!!!).
You Know You Have A Baby When:
1. You’re bankrupted by sleep debt. Sleep deprivation just doesn’t cut it, its sleep torture.
2. You can’t leave the house without a queue of unknown pensioners forming to ask you personal questions, including, “why doesn’t he have any socks on?”. Because SHE always rips them off, that’s WHY…. and if you have any gaffa tape, maybe that will help to keep them on for longer than five minutes…. just sayin’.
3. Getting dressed is the new getting dressed up.
4. You are too scared to check your lady bits out in a mirror.
5. Your outfit changes are necessitated only by vomit, urine and poo. Never for looking good.
6. You have to cross your legs tightly before every sneeze, cough and giggle. Just in case.
7. Your friends’ eyes glaze over when you talk.
8. You can whittle away the hours talking about bodily functions.
9. Your hairstyle is held in place by dry snot or some other thing that you just can’t work out what it is.
10. You can do absolutely everything with one hand. While singing. And swaying.
11. You have biceps you never knew you had. Heck they could even give Madonna a run for her money.
12. You drink your coffee or tea cold. Not by choice.
13. You spend all night taking your baby’s temperature, in case it gets any higher.
14. You pull a rattle out of your bra at the end of the day, and wonder how long it had been in there.
15. You stand by the door, arms braced, ready to thrust the baby at your husband, a whole five minutes before he gets in from work.
16. You find furry raisins down the back of your sofa.
17. Your eyebrows have grown into one tangled monobrow because you haven’t had the time to glance in a mirror lately, let alone pluck them.
18. You learn to multitask to such an extent that you can complete a week’s work in just five minutes, if you make the debilitating decision to give up the only spare 5 minutes you had planned to have a poo.
19. You have to wear patterned top, because bodily fluids are too obvious on plain clothes.
20. You’ve given up on perfume, and learnt to your new natural scent of love eau de infant vom.
21. You spend a small fortune to attend a class just so you can tickle your baby with coloured feathers.
22. You’ve had Heads, Shoulders, Knees and Toes stuck in your head. For. A. Week.
23. When you get home after a child-free day, only to discover you have historical baby sick smeared down your back.
24. Sex is for special occasions only. And you’d still rather sleep.
25. Having a good day means being able to lock the bathroom door.
26. Your car has a weird smell, but you don’t know where it’s coming from.
27. You sway every time you stand still. Even if you are not holding a baby. You also rock the shopping trolley when you’re shopping.
28. You answer the door to a surprised looking postman, with your boob out.
29. You experience the snot-boob/shiny t-shirt that comes from having a snotty baby.
30. You begin to hate every child-free person who tells you they are “so tired.”
31. Nap time is the new Christmas, and you look forward to it all day.
32. Using the toilet away from the watchful eyes of an audience is considered a true luxury.
33. Your breasts leak every time you hear a baby cry. Even if it’s not your baby. Even if you’re at work.
34. You strip your baby down to check for rashes, like, all the time.
35. You have had to hurry home from a social engagement after getting covered in poo.
36. You happily catch vomit in your hands, just so you don’t have to clean the sofa again.
37. The pile of dirty washing starts to take over your house.
38. You are up at 5am, and not because you’re still partying from the night before.
39. You can’t remember the last time you showered.
40. You’ve had a soiled finger from an unsuccessful nappy check.
41. Sniffing the crotch of a loved one is considered acceptable behaviour.
42. You end all phone conversations abruptly whilst shouting, “Oh my god, is that poo?!”
43. You have become the world’s most boring narrator, “Oh look, a cow. And a sheep. Sheep say baa.”
44. You buy a spray specially formulated to hide the smell of urine.
45. Your wickedest fantasy is you, in a hotel room, alone, getting a good 12 hour sleep.
46. Your Google history reveals an embarrassing amount of time spent surfing nappy contents.
47. The list of things you worry about seems to grow each and every day.
48. You choose restaurants based on changing facilities, colouring in menus and patient staff. You no longer care what the food is like.
49. Every time you have a moment to yourself, you spend it putting on another load of washing.
50. You hear the baby wake, as soon as your head touches the pillow at night.
51. You cry over spilled milk, because you just spent an hour pumping it.
Can You Think Of Any Others?
Share what you’d add to this list in the comments section below!