Thank you all.
You are right sushee, i do really feel very grateful for having one little one survive, very grateful. But i would tell someone else that they were allowed to grieve a little...I guess I need to do that myself - regardless of how
DH feels.
Thanks to you I can now see that there are reasons for my behaviour i.e. I have become so used to things being painful and hard, that I'm scared I'll ruin it all if i just relax and be happy.
Writing this down and sharing it with people who care has made me acknowledge that my feelings are real..and they are affecting me everyday.
It is a scary new world...and i don't want to look back and wish I done it differently. I'll take it slowly though. 1stly talking to
DH, 2ndly buying some maternity clothes (much needed), and then maybe we'll buy some baby things together.
Thanks to you all for helping me. You really did.