Coping issues, toddler and baby. Strategies needed PLEASE

[nellnell]

Oh, where do I start!

I know most of you have been through this before but it is seriously doing my head in.

I am trying so so so hard to remain positive and talk positively and do fun things (without doing too much) BUT...............

DD is at that seriously defiant stage, trying me out, demanding attention all the time (usually negative attention), refusing to sit in her car seat, refusing to go to the toilet (currently TT), and decided about 2 weeks ago that an arvo sleep is for the weak!

DS is such a champ and I feel so sorry for him sometimes. I feel like I do everything with and for DD and he gets left out. Yesterday was the last straw. I turned into MY MOTHER!!!!! eeek.

I dont want to be the kind of mother that yells, but I'm sleep deprived, look after the kids all week (and often weekends too) without much assistance (DH seems to get all the fun roles), cook, clean, wash, pay bills, blah blah blah.

Sorry for the whinge..................

What Im really concerned with is getting caught in this frame of mind, and not being the positive mother I want to be.

If you can comment on how you cope / strategies you use, it would be most appreciated.

1......How do you stay positive?
2......What do you do when you're toddler doesnt sleep in the arvo - to keep them from sending you batty? Without the square eyed babysitter!
3......How do you encourage 'quiet time' and playing by self without constantly entertaining, redirecting?
4......What strategies do you use when your toddler won't do what you need them to? (I'm talking need, not want - like getting into a car seat to drive the car)
5......How do you help your toddler understand a routine change or change of plans?

How funny it is that 3 or 4 weeks ago I thought I had this parenting thing going well I spoke to soon.

Thanks in advance.

[my-three-monkeys]

Hi NellNell,

Keep smiling: we've all been there!

I was finding DD2 was being destructive, and uncooperative. I was nagging and yelling, with no change to her behaviour: it was only getting worse.
I had so sit down and think about changing my approach. PRAISE PRAISE PRAISE, even for the little things that are going right. ie. Gee, you've grabbed your shoes for me. Well done.
They say you need 6 praises for every negative. DD2 is 3, but this has made the world of difference, we are rarely have moments of 'randomness'.

As for the lunchtime sleeps, we would make the DD's have book time in bed. I'd give them a pile of 10 or more(so they don't need to come out and change them ev. 2 mins). Maybe read the first one then tell them it is time for them to have a look on thier own. Stick your head in the door at different intervals to let them know they are doing a great job of reading by themselves. It gives everyone time out without having the TV on. I still do it now.

Strategies for getting the monkeys to do what you want: It's all in the language. Be firm, and don't try to reason with a 2yr old. ie. you NEED to sit in your car seat. and lots of praise if they do it hassle free.

Routine is a MUST: if DD know's what you expect of her and when.

I found a fantastic book recently called "divas and dictators" about encouraging better behaviour in your kids. It was excellent: the first 50 pages are all you need. It also has troubleshooting ideas in the back. I have taken it back to the library, but I have the details in another thread I had started.

Good Luck, Toni.

[blackduckies]

I second the praise and girls often do well if they think they are helping, so when it comes to going out ask her if she can carry something to the car for you or her brother, can she sit in her seat herself, star charts, little rewards for doing the right thing, she does'nt need to sleep but she does need to relax in her room, so books, toys, some special things just for that purpose and thats the only place and time she gets them.
Good luck, it might just be a stage and in a month or 2 will pass, as do most things.

[AliBaby]

I dont have much advice as I only have one DD but agree with the praise.

Does she like stickers??? Do you think she might reposnd well to getting a sticker on a chart when she does something good.

Also how does she respond if you say to her she is mummy's little helper? Maybe telling her how clever she is to be doing jobs to help mummy and your DS.

Good luc and hope this phase passes quickly for you

[nellnell]

Thank you so much

Toni - I totally hear you with the praise. I try so very hard, some days it just feels like there is not much to praise. I have been encouraging DD to do the same with her books at 'rest time' although her bedroom is upstairs and too far away from the happenings. I tried to organise a quiet place but she just wouldnt stay there!!!

blackduckies - I'm hoping it's a stage and wont last long! Although I do think that my behaviour is directly influencing her behaviour. Helping works to a certain degree but not all the time.

Thanks for the ideas so far.

[AliBaby]

If you see the tiniest thing that she does that is good, even if its just walking somewhere give her praise. It may start the ball rolling for her to start doing more good things.

[my-three-monkeys]

Being sleep deprived doesn't help much either.

Try to get DH to help you out with the kids, even if it is to distract them while you cook tea in peace! Make time for yourself too.

It helps if you are both on the same page when dealing with DD. My DH is very authoritarian, and it has taken him a while to come to terms with the 'praise' rather than just yelling at them all the time. But after a few weeks we rarely have to yell at all, the kids are calm, DH is calmER, and most of all Mummy is happy.

Toni.

[Cherie]

nellnell, I could have written your post myself. My 2.5yo DS is so defiant, argumentative, negative, whiny, clingy ... argh, I could go on and on. It is really really hard to find positive things to praise him for when, for example, he starts the day with about 5 tantrums before breakfast then dumps his weetbix upside down on the floor, then yells and me, slams doors etc. My DD, bless her soul, is a placid little button (albeit a horrible sleeper) and she just has to go with the flow. DS needs constant entertaining and won't go more than 1-2m away from me, so I feel a bit touched out by lunchtime a well.

I've found myself becoming a horrible mummy .... yelling, being sarcastic, holding grudges. I feel like we're getting into a really negative spiral, and he is reflecting my behaviours which makes things worse and worse.

I'll be interested in reading any further replies to this thread, because I'm struggling too. But I'll come back in the morning and post some of my strategies in response to your questions.

Nighty night

[Ozziehoffy]

nell... I hear you, I HEAR YOU...I hear you!! Ahhhh I too have days where there really isn't much to praise at all. I try, try, try to keep my cool but when I'm just too tired I don't have the patience I need and I then feel worse and I think that my mood and my patience gets even worse cos I'm kicking myself and it's a vicious little circle. I do praise him as much as I can (although sometimes I seriously think he doesn't even hear it!) and we do have a sticker chart which I think is starting to sink in cos just last night I gave him sticker for taking some toys to Elijah cos he was whinging. I said... wow great job that was really nice to do that, let's go and get a sticker. Well, I went and had my shower after that and Andy told me that whilst I was in the shower Oskar went and gave Elijah a toy again, turned some music on for him and then said "more stickers now daddy" lol. So maybe, just maybe there is a light at the end of this tunnel!!! Definitely harder when sleep deprived and tired though for sure.

[skeetaboat]

1......How do you stay positive? Get some *me* time every week, go to the gym, shopping, get hair done, visit a friend, anything that gets me out and about by myself. You've gotta schedule it to make sure it happens. I'd be having some words with DH if he's a) not helping you when he's not working and b) hogging the weekends
2......What do you do when you're toddler doesnt sleep in the arvo - to keep them from sending you batty? Without the square eyed babysitter! My toddler (same age) has been refusing naps for about 6 months. If he's really driving me batty I go for a driveat about 3pm and it never fails to put him to sleep. We've discovered the sesame street website which has some *fantastic* toddler games, which he *loves* so it's like a treat for him and I can use it as a bargaining chip!! It's not as bad as the square eyed babysitter because the games are interactive & educational. You do have to show them how to do it at first, but now that my DS has the hang of it, it can buy me up to 2 hours of peace (probably more if I would let him!). Other than that I'll snuggle with him on the couch with a DVD and stroke his hair and sometimes he'll nod off, but if not, we both get a rest
3......How do you encourage 'quiet time' and playing by self without constantly entertaining, redirecting?see above! colouring is another hit around here for quiet time and so is hanging out in the bedroom listening to music
4......What strategies do you use when your toddler won't do what you need them to? (I'm talking need, not want - like getting into a car seat to drive the car) When there is no compromise, be firm. Keep doing whatever it is (ie strapping her in) say what you have to do and why but don't say anything else or engage in argument. But try to pre-empt these co-operatation strikes. My DS always seems to be uncooperative when I've rushed him, or haven't listened to him, or didn't let him have some involvement in what's happening. I think communication is the key here & making sure they feel involved in whatever you're doing & not pushed around.
5......How do you help your toddler understand a routine change or change of plans? hmm, not sure what you mean? Without knowing what you're referring to, I'd just say generally that I think communication is the key. At this age they like to know what's going on and why, so the more you tell them, the more they understand and can go with the flow (or express their discontent, which you can choose to take on board or at the very least acknowledge & explain why X still has to happen). I think negotiation & communication really are so vital to happy toodler & therefore happy mumma, at this age

[Doing my best]

Big This is so similar to what I came on to post.

And there are some really good responses that I will be trying.

[fionas]

I've only got one toddler but this is what has helped me. DEFINITELY get some 'me' time as a previous poster said. And yes, you have to schedule it or it won't happen. I put DD into care for 3 hours on Friday morning and even that short amount of time once a week works wonders on recharging my batteries.

As far as bad behaviour/tanties go, I give lots of commentary about what we're going to do next. "OK, we're going to eat lunch DD and then it's sleepy time." I literally do that for 10 mins beforehand over and over again. Same if I want to take her out for a walk, "OK DD, nearly time to stop watching that DVD, we're going for a walk. We're going to put your shoes and socks on and then we're going for a walk." I say it many, many times so it doesn't come as a shock to her.

If I let her, she would literally wash her hands for half an hour because she loves water. So I have to give her warning, "OK DD, we're going to switch the tap off after three."

It took a couple of weeks of doing that but it's reduced the tantrums no end.

[Ozziehoffy]

4......What strategies do you use when your toddler won't do what you need them to? (I'm talking need, not want - like getting into a car seat to drive the car) When there is no compromise, be firm. Keep doing whatever it is (ie strapping her in) say what you have to do and why but don't say anything else or engage in argument. But try to pre-empt these co-operatation strikes. My DS always seems to be uncooperative when I've rushed him, or haven't listened to him, or didn't let him have some involvement in what's happening. I think communication is the key here & making sure they feel involved in whatever you're doing & not pushed around.

oh yes, that is true!!! You're right, reading that now I see that does indeed happen and my bad for pushing too much when I'm tired. I tend to forget to stop and listen and be patient, it's all just a rush cos I'm tired and can't get organised properly.

[fionas]

Sorry, missed something. As far as the change of plans go, I try to acknowledge her feelings. I know that sounds ridiculous but it goes something like this, "yes, DD I know you want to do X but we'll do that tomorrow. We can't do it today because Y and now we have to do Z."

Usually it's something simple like, "Yes DD, I know you want mama to carry on playing in the sand with you but mama's too hot and she needs to go inside." Or, "yes, DD I know you want to watch Night Garden again but Iggle Piggle and Upsy Daisy are asleep. Let's go and read a book instead."

[skeetaboat]

I had another couple of thoughts to add...

When DS stopped taking naps, he wasn't getting enough sleep in a 24 hour period, so we shifted his bedtime 1 hour earlier and it made the world of difference to his whinging, clinginess, and tantruming. It was a good move especially now that daylight savings is here and he's up earlier and ealier each day. I really notice that old behaviour coming back if he's stayed up past his bed time or gotten up significantly earlier than usual.. he's just a horrible grump without enough sleep. So I'd highly recommend getting her to bed earlier if you can.

Another thought I had was about the negative behaviour and how that tends to increase when a sibling comes along. I read somewhere that when this happens, try to be extra tolerant of the negative attention seeking and ignore it as best you can, and find every opportunity you can to encourage positive attention seeking (which you've had some good suggestions for already). I think it's good to oblige whenever they ask for your positive attention (eg can we play playdoh mum?) because its when they're short of this that they'll resort to the negative attention seeking because they know it works. I avoid reacting to negative behaviour so he learns that it's not effective. Seems to work for me... DH who is a lot more reactive to negative behaviour always gets more of it from him than I do.

When DS became a big brother I noticed he would start asking for something as soon as I started feeding the baby (eg to sit with me, to use the computer that sits next to the chair I feed on, to do a puzzle, etc). I think he was testing if I would still respond to him. Sometimes he would ask, and when I said 'ok', he would sit with us/play computer/do puzzle for about 2 mins and then get up and wander off, happy that I was still prepared to meet his needs & wants.

I don't know if this way of dealing with it is recommended or not, but I wanted to show him that I was still responsive to his needs and avoid him feeling like the baby was dominating my time and attention. It seemed to work for us because he stopped doing it after a couple of weeks.

[nellnell]

Thank you so much everyone. No time to post now but will jump on later to respond.

[Ozziehoffy]

fionas, that is a good point to keep repeating what you're intending on doing! I do give him warning ahead of time but maybe I need to let him know a few more times than I do.

The me time which has been mentioned, wow yes I am looking forward to getting some I hope soonish lol. Certainly I feel better and more relaxed even when DH takes the boys for a walk for half an hour.

[nellnell]

Thankyou so much everyone.

Your thoughts and ideas have already been fantastic. I think maybe I've been expecting too much from DD at times. She is still quite little and if I didnt have another little one to think about as well, she would still be my baby.......so saying that I really need cut her a little bit of slack. Saying this, I won't have her walking all over me. She needs to learn socialisation and communication skills. I also need to fix some of my communication skills too.

Alibaby - yep, you said it, giving praise for the tiniest things does help. Ta

Cherie and Happy Mummy - . Hope these ideas help you out too. It's nice to know I'm not the only one feeling like this too.

Cass - love the stickers idea and Oskar's response. Very funny! Beauty didnt really respond to a sticker chart for TT though, so unfortunately it doesnt seem to be on her radar screen.

Skeetaboat - great ideas. Me time - I soooooo need that. You prompted me to organise a few things. I even left DH with both kids (fancy that) on Saturday arvo and went to do the grocery shopping. I know kind of boring but honestly I felt amazing. I dawdled, looked at products, compared prices and chatted to people without dealing with my two precious children at the same time. It felt quite liberating. After reading your post, I too have realised that Beauty is uncooperative when I rush her or dont listen to her. Seems simple but when you have a list of things to do......It's about changing perspective and priorities. My kids are my life, and what I teach them impacts (either negatively or positively) on their future. I WILL stop and listen to my children. They are more important than running another errand. Also your point about avioding reacting to negative behaviour is a top one.

Fiona - Thanks so much for those few sentences. That makes things so easy...I've used them for a few days now and THEY WORK!!!! Yay

I've noticed over the weekend how much I've changed my perspective from reading everyone's ideas that I used to react to most things which would increase my stress levels, therefore increasing Beauty and Budda's stress levels too.

Anyway....heres to a me, a new and improved mummy who is working on her communication skills and listening more to her kids.

Thanks everyone.