And then there was 4 - Mateauz journey with Cerabal palsey

[maz]

Well Ive taken inspiration from another mum on here....and I agree with her full heartedly...its helps not just the author of the post to debrief but also helps those who are treading down the same path or feeling like their hitting a brick wall.

Inspiration is a wonderful thing...

any who.
I'll start this little diddy with Before, the birth, during and after. There's alot to tell....so will be in dribs and drabs.
Here's goes nothing


Before

March 2007 - a BFP on the stick..WOOO HOOO...morning sickness like no other. OMG I felt like I was dying. Little did I know that these babies wouldnt make it earth side. I was in the emergency department when the doc said -

Im sorry Mrs Bourke but your having a comlpete m/c

I had an u/s which showed were 2 sacs had left their mark on my womb wall. I was fine until I saw it...I think my heart stopped beating for a few seconds as I held my breath waiting to see a heart beat. Nothing. I sat there in the emergency department, very alone, frightened, sad...empty. Id never really felt like this before a m/c...was it because I had lost 2 babies and not just one? Its a feeling I have never forgotten..something that is forever etched into your heart.
I asked the doctor how long Jed and I should wait for trying to concieve again and if my cycle would be haywire. I was told as my body had had a complete m/s that my cycle would be normal and I would more then likely O in 14 days.

Went home and Jed and I had a big discussing. We had decided to wait 4 months min to start trying again as we wanted to heal and mourn the loss of our twins. Our eldest was so upset about it all and asked if we could name them..so from now on our twins have been know as Sunni and Willoe.

We started charting. Steered clear of DTD at day 14 right through to day 20 and thought...ah its day 32 AF should come..lets give her a boost and DTD just the once. Day 45 came and went and I started to get that all to familiar feeling. I was throwing up at the smell of certains foods and **** my bb's...i could have thrown them against the wall....low and behold may 8th - BFP and Jed and I sitting there in shock. I instantly felt like it wasnt right. I had the same feeling when I was pg with Wilhelm that something was wrong...here goes that gut feeling again.

I had a very sickly pg. I was continuously sick...I couldnt eat certain things...and as with the boys I was eating fruit and vegies not meat like VY. At our 19 week u/s we were told it might be a boy..but more then likely a girl. Had another u/s at 22 weeks were we were told YEP its a girl!! Woo hoo...no need to be scared of the autisum statistics. Vy will have a little sister, we are complete!!!! Yet something...deep down was nagging at me again.....something was telling me something wasnt right....we even picked 2 boys names just to make sure.

8 months in to my pg...I began to swell like Violet Booregard on Charlie and the chocolate factory. I looked in the mirror and didnt recognise myself some days. Yet the doctors said I was fine just high BP and to go home, I was over reacting that something was wrong. Boxing day I went to the birth suit and said I had had enough. Something was wrong with my baby and they needed to get her out NOW. Monitors were put on me were it showed that my babies HB was that at the rate as if I was in labour. They said that my baby kepts squashing the blood supply tyhrough the umbilical cord to its self. It was low..99 at some stages and they wanted to admit me to monitor me again in the morning. I told them the only way they would admit me is if they would birth my baby...other wise I would go home, rest with my family and come in every monring at 7am to be monitiored. I had an u/s were I asked the technician how my little girl was...his comment

If thats a girl...Id hate to know why she has a penis

I sat there yet again numb. I was so shocked. But we were having a girl...I had the girls rooms all set. I had to replan my whole house in a matter of 3 days and all the prepping of telling Wilhelm that he's getting a sister was out the window.
I was from that moment know in the hospital as the lady who had the wrong sex u/s
The tech also muttered under his breath that the cord was wrapped around my babies neck 3 times. SOmething that would prove to be important later on.

On the 28th of December a female OB wanted to c/s me that afternoon...she wasnt happy but then her superior said no way and she was shatted. She kept apologising to me and I'll never forget the look of concern and sadness on her face. I know why she had that look now...I often have it but hey it was out of her hands. I was still coming in for daily monitoring and being sent home to be told it was alright. I went to the midwives clinc on the 2nd of January were the midwives were alarmed at how long I had been coming in and having this 'condition' for. The midwife said I looked so swollen and my legs and feet were so big that my haviana's were leaving marked in them. She had seen me in my other 3 pgs and said that I was extremely bad. Yet her words fell on a deaf OB's ears again.

Big head honcho OB saw me on the 3rd of Jan...said sorry we have no beds and we dont consider your case as an emergency. Your baby isnt in any trouble and your fine. Go home, if you feel bad come back in but other wise we'll see you on the 8th for your scheduled c/s.

hmmm When I felt bad in those 4 days...I went and sat in the kids cool pool...my husband held my hair and supported me when I was throwing up...he held me when I was crying in pain....I didnt go into that dame hospital just to be treated like an idiot again.

Tuesday 8th January. My MIL and SIL were both here....they both were shocked at the state of me and wished both Jed and I luck. I had had tightenings that night and once at the hospital to book in I noticed I was last on the list. c/s time 12pm. Got robed up and had the sexy hair net put on...oh server crampings...Midwife came a checked me out...starts of labour! Typical isnt it...couldnt have happened a week earlier lol. I was put first on the list now, my mouth was so dry and I was so scared. Midwife said that our baby would be in the special care nursary afterwards. That was not part of my birthplan...I wanted to hold my baby and BF straight away like I had with VY. she said she would see what she would do.

Last memories in the operating room...looking up at that dame big light and the smell. BLAH. Had a lovely Theatre nurse chat to me......he was so gentle and said he'd take heaps of picks for me. Not a bad looking bloke either... dont tell Jed..lol. Made me feel so relaxed..............

NEXT - the birth

[Sammiejane]

Thanks for sharing Maz, what a story ... Im totally hooked
I dont understand why Mothers intuition/gut feels are not listened to more often.
'Not that i am a m/w but i always listen to my patients, its their body, surely they know what they are feeling ???

[NaNa]

keep going, maz! this will really have an amazing effect on you and everyone who reads it. Thanks for sharing your story.

[Kazbah]

Oh Maz thanks for sharing this.

[rachel6188]

thanks for sharing hun xxx

[KimmyF]

I am becoming addicted Maz, thank you forsharing with us. What is it with so called "professionals" ignoring a mothers instinct GRRRR it makes me sooo mad.
CAn't wait to keep reading.

[briggsy's girl]

i'll be subbing to this thread so i can keep on reading Maz!

i'm with Kimmy - why do they discount mother's intuition? and the obvious concerns of the "lowly" middies and registrar Ob. far out!

[Deejoy17]

Maz - Thanks for sharing your story with us

[aussienic]

thanks for sharing your story.. Look forward to the rest

[AmandaJ]

OMG I can't believe that they didn't think that you were a high risk with all obvious signs that something was wrong.

I can't wait for the next instalment.

hugs xoxo

[feeb]

OMG maz i am so sorry you were treated that way, knowing where you birthed i am not surprised. You obviously looked like you were high risk who knows why they didnt do anything.

huge hugs i am hooked on your story

xoxo

[Green Tree Frog]

post to subscribe... Cant wait to hear more...

[maz]

OMG girls...I didnt expect anyone to have read it already. Thank you for all your support

The Birth

My first memory was waking up and begging for my baby and my husband. All I wanted to do was put my son on my breast and bond with him.

Sorry Mrs Bourke - your son is in special care nursery...he isnt well

I so didn't need to hear that straight away. I just kept thinking

OMG my babies going to die...I need to see him..touch him....let him know his mummy loves him.
Let him know I was sorry for not feeling anything to him cause I was disapointed that he was a boy and not a girl.
Let him know that I dont care if he has a willy.....I just wanted to hold him.......give him what he needs.

I was sitting there in recovery...oblivious to the people around me (I had a general) feeling over the moon that my baby was finally born yet scared, angry and yearning all at the same time. Jed said he walked in to see me sitting there with a big cheesie grin and tears just streaming down my face. Little did I know it was the beginning of a long, long road.

I was taken to a private room. I begged the staff to take the tubes ect out and let me see my son.

NO you cant...your in no state.

No state my arse...you take me to my son now I screamed at them.

I had a pead come in and tell me (surprise surprise) that my 'son' (they could never pronounce his name) was born the his umbilical cord around his neck 3 times and was very blue due to lack of oxygen. He'd also suffered seizures and had to be monitored. they blamed the seizures on his blood levels being low but as you'll read later it wasnt the case. I was in thearter for 2 hours..alot longer then a normal c/s. The pead asked me what my expectations were feeding wise and I told him that I want to BF him NOW which he demanded a nurse take me down. Mind you this was at 6pm...Mateauz was born at 10am. I was wheeled in a wheel chair and all i could do was cry when I first was him. I had the most lovely nurse who helped me sit down and let me hold him. Jed by this time had already gone home to our other children so yet again I felt very alone and affraid. My little man was so frail and small. He had blue hands and feet, along with blue lips.....yet when I held him for that first time, I knew, he knew I was his mummy. I swear I heard a sigh as he nuzzled in to my breast. My little man knew. I didnt even hesitate, I popped him straight on my bb and he feed perfectly. I had another nurse come over and tell me I should be putting him back in his humi crib and I just glared at her. I was not doing anything of the sort. My little guy was feeding and he needed ME!

Day 1 saw a barage of u/s done on his head (which came back all clear and we later found out was not accurate enough) blood tests..were I cried so much as I watched them ***** his foot and squeeze blood out time and time again. I had an arguement with one of the head midwives who tried to put a tube down his nose to 'feed' him. I told her in ummm a colourful way where to stick the tube as I was BFing my son and that was that. I never left his side, other to sleep, pee or shower. By this stage...mateauz was looking more and more like any other new born. He was soft and fresh with long fingers and full lips like a cherub. He was doing so well that he was placed into a normal cot in SCN. 2 hours later he crashed and was put under lights and oxygen as his stats took a big dive. He had to have more testing done at this time so I took the opportunity to go and have a shower and eat something. It was in the shower that I lost it. I sobbed until my lungs hurt. I hated myself and was blaming myself for what had happened to my little guy - its a normal part of grief I was told by the social worker who visited me later in the week. Thankfully I had a wonderful midwife who was the signs of me cracking and hearing me in the shower and got the social worker for me.

I walked in the SCN on the thursday morning to find that the night nurse had infact put a tube down my son's nose to feed him, against my will. I went off to say it nicely.....and just as I was the pead walked and went off aswell. He was so angry as I had pushed to BF Mateauz the whole time and they were trying to give him formula. The nurse had tried to say that he wasnt latching on properly and thought the 'child' needed formula. The pead said the tube could stay in for 24 hours just in case but they were to call me when he needed feed. THANK GOD!!!! II remember him say
if the child isnt feeding correctly why is he now then?? As I BF Mateauz straight away.

My little fella went from strength to strength. He was put back into a normal cot on the friday and was thriving. I would kidnap him later that afternoon and had him in my room so he could get some sun light as he started to get a major yellow complexion. I just sat there the whole time staring at him...taking in how perfect he looked.

ON sunday we were given the all clear to go home. The pead was happy as he was 50grams more then his birth weight...he had had no more seizures and was feeding perfectly...yet there was still that nagging in my head. Why were his hands so blue all the time? Why did his face appear blue? yet cause I was in such a hurry to get my little man home were I could nuture him....I ignored it and thought he must be fine.

And this is were the story REALLY beings...........

[KimmyF]

Oh Maz, I have tears in my eyes and goose bumps, what a journey so far! Yo uare so strong! CAn't wait to hear the rest, am finding it hard to beleive the stupidity of some of these midwives you encountered but if you were in the hossy i think you were then i am not surprised!
Thanks again for choosing to share with us

[briggsy's girl]

you're doing a fantastic job of sharing your story Maz

and i'm sure it's very cathartic to get it all out hun!

[*Efjay*]

and and ......

[rhyb]

Well done on telling them where to stick that feeding tube your such a brave mummy Mateauz is very lucky to have you! Will be watching for more Maz very moving!

[Cougar]

thanks for sharing maz