Walking through death in labour (*heavy*)

[Marydean]

I went back to my Dr today about some lumpiness I have in one of my breasts. I suggested when I saw her the first time (several weeks ago) that it looks like a vein, and she agreed. However, since then I've been fretting about the 'what-ifs' - on the teeny tiny chance that it's not a blood vessel, I'll be BFing for months and months and it won't become apparent in all that time that it's not 'normal' (!) So I asked her about it again today and she said she didn't want to do an US because it's not diagnostically warranted. At which point (feeling like a silly duffer) I burst into tears and started sobbing "I just want to be alive for my baby..." Whereupon she decided that she would order the US anyway, just so i can get past my "Phobia" (?! do you think I felt a teeny bit patronised?). Glad she agreed to do the US cos if she hadn't I would've gone for a 2nd or 3rd opinion until someone agreed to do it. Did I mention DH's cousins wife discovered she had breast cancer when she was 3mths preg and did not live past her baby's 1st birthday? Anyway I came out feeling all fragile & emotional and sat down to have a think about WHY I am feeling this way (when really in my heart of hearts I don't think I have breast cancer and am pretty rationally convinced of my first theory - blood vessel).

Well I had my Aha! moment pretty quickly. I've been dancing around it my entire pregnancy, ignoring the feelings. It turns out this is stuff coming up relating directly to my first birthing experience. I haven't talked about this with many people because it's pretty "out there" and it's easy to dismiss (like one doctor did by labelling it a psychotic episode). So it's a truth I mostly keep to myself. But it's coming up for me now and I think it's important to witness my own truth by talking/writing about it now.

During my first labour (long, hard, artificially induced at 42.5 weeks), the pain became too big for me, and I left my body and took a walk through the valley of death. I stood on the banks of the River Styx and decided whether I was going to cross the river and leave the horrible neverending pain behind, or whether I was going to climb the hill back into the light and the pain and keep living and stay with my beloved daughter and my husband. "They" (whoever it is that guides and accompanies you on the otherside) showed me my death, if I wanted to choose it, it was like I was looking into the room seeing it happen, including the delay in the response as the people in the room oh so slowly finally realise it's all going horribly wrong and try to resuscitate my body. I chose to walk back up the hill. It took all of my will power and struggling to get there but i made it back.

Obviously I'm still here, so it was ok in the end. But now as my date approaches that fear is coming up that maybe you only get to outsmart death once. Which if I'm honest is the real reason I have asked for a CSection. No chance in that operating room full of 10+ people that I could quietly slip away without anyone noticing. And in particular you have the anaesthetist there whose sole job it is to keep you alive. It's not so much that I'm afraid of death (I've seen it once, it's not scary, it's just a transition), it's more that I don't want to leave my beautiful daughter and husband and now this new baby who I already love so much. Hence me sobbing "I just want to be alive for my baby!"

I thought I had processed all of this years ago, and made my peace with it. I even identified the karmic lessons that this experience has taught me, and understand it's place in the bigger picture of my life. But it just goes to show there is always a little bit more healing to do, a little bit more living and learning. So I'm just going to sit with this over the next few days, and acknowledge any feelings that come and let them process through my system. Then I think I'll really be ready for this new birth.

[Snowy Love]

Thank you for sharing your experience - how scary. Don't you just love sympathetic care providers!

I hope you work through your (completely valid) issues over the next few weeks and I'm sure you will be holding little one soon.

[Artechim]

MD, just wanted to give you a big hug. I really hope that your upcoming birth goes completely to plan, that you feel safe and cared for thoughout.

[krisp]

I'm so glad you insisted on the US.

I was diagnosed with breast cancer when I was 9 weeks pregnant. Although it may not have been "diagnostically warranted" my OB decided to do an US anyway and that decision saved my life. I had to end my pregnancy at 11 weeks as my Oncologist told me with the type and size of tumour I had I would probably not live to see my baby born if I waited until after the birth for chemo. Don't ever feel silly when you have a feeling something is wrong with your body. Keep persisting until someone hears you, no matter how long that may take.

I have often thought about the "outsmarting" death issue too, so no you're not a looney! I was very scared during my delivery as my blood pressure kept dropping and my DS heart rate kept dropping too after 14 hours of trying to have a natural birth. I ended up with an emergency CS and I'm grateful that we are both here to tell the tale. I do so wish that things could have been different though so I'm going to try again for a vaginal delivery this time.

I do hope that this birth is easier for you. Try not to feel scared, just focus on meeting your precious baby and trust the dr's and nurses around you to keep you safe.

Yes it's very confronting when you stare down the barrel of death and it's something that never leaves you but use it to make you stronger, don't allow it to get the better of you. You've come through once, you know the way now and you are strong enough and brave enough to find it again if you need to.

Good luck, my thoughts are with you.

[Inanna]

Thankyou for sharing your story Marydean.

[Lady Zaidie]

Hugs, Marydean, and thank you for sharing. I don't think you're being silly at all. I hope that getting it all out helps.

[Mayaness]

Marydean, my mum did that walk, when she was having an ectopic pregnancy miscarriage. She came back because I was about 1 and she didn't want to leave me behind. She says she heard a voice say "she's not ready yet" whilst she could also hear the doctors saying she was gone. So, yes, it's 'out there', but when you've got people who have visited 'out there' or got the postcard (i.e. my mum telling me her story), then it is less out there and more 'in my neighbourhood'!!
Anyway, I can't believe that they'll do other ultrasounds willy nilly during pregnancy, when someone wants to pay to see their unborn child again (and it's not medically necessary), and when you want something in order to rule out a terrible disease, they resist!

[Marydean]

Thanks ladies, for all your supportive comments. The fact that I'm writing about it is a good thing, I feel better today than I did yesterday, more focussed and 'clearer' now. Must've shifted something yesterday (spent most of the afternoon in waves of tears). All good work, I think.

Kris, thanks very much for sharing about your own brush with death.

You've come through once, you know the way now and you are strong enough and brave enough to find it again if you need to.

Yes and I really believe this too. I wish you every blessing for a healing birthing journey this time. xxx

[August]

I'm so sorry you had to go through that. If it helps I describe my caesar as 35 mins and totally pain free, and yes the anaesthetist never left my side.I really admire the way you are working through things, best of luck to you.

[morv]

MD, I think that you are incredibly brave for going through the whole pregnancy and hence the birth again. Well done.

I agree with the PPs, you have to push if you feel something is wrong with your body.

[Paisley]

Thanks for sharing this personal and touching story.

I'd like to respond to the issue of in-laws and what is appropriate for allowing them to meet their new grandchild:

My wife and I were divided over this issue for a long time. She wanted to make sure we had "our" time first before we allowed parents. After a lot of discussion (at times, arguing) about what was a reasonable time frame in which to invite themto meet the new bub, we agreed to prioritise "us" time after the labour.

In reality, my wife went through an emergency caesarian and the whole birth plan went out the window. But we still had that "us" time and it proved to be vital. We needed that time to comfort each other and cherish our new baby after an extremely emotional ordeal. Having said that, I rang my mother at midnight while my wife remained at the hospital and she visited the following afternoon.

It can be hard trying not to offend each others' parents. They may feel a certain entitlement to have access to "their" grandchild immediately. Surely, such insesitivity demonstrates that they are looking back at their own birth experiences with rose-tinted glasses. Their feelings need to be taken in to account and compromise may need to be made, but not at the expense of those precious moments immediately after birth when peace and rest are what is needed most.

[Marydean]

Ok, so today's the day I go in for my elective CS...kind of hard to marry this information with the fact that I will be holding my little one soon...

I was awake a fair bit last night - but it was a happy kind of awake. I was reflecting on how loved and supported and nurtured I feel right now - there's a huge wave of energy holding me up - so many people who love me supporting me with their thoughts - I feel very blessed. Even at the hospital - each doctor/nurse I have met (so far) just oozes kindness. The healing has begun already.

Thanks to everyone who has read this thread and supported me silently with your energy (I know it was confronting and a hard one to reply to). Blessings to you all. xxx

[August]

Oh marydean, you probably wont get to read this is time but thinking of you and sending you lots of strength and love.

August x

[Lukesmum]

Marydean, You would have your little one now. You probably wont read this for a while but I just wanted to say that I am thinking of you and I hope your birth experience was a good one this time.

[prama]

Marydean, thinking of you and hope you have a safe delivery. xoxox

[Loula]

waiting to hear your wonderful news hun - thinking of you

[Dragonbub]

Hey MD,
Thankyou for sharing your beautiful story, although I am sorry it was borne out of pain. I can't wait to hear how you went in the CS, I am sure you are just in love with your precious bundle now *hugs*.

[soul]

Your an amazing women!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!