I failed (very long)

[Sammiejane]

the other night I watched the Friends episode that Racheal gave birth and sat there bawling for the birth I wanted.

I don?t really know where to begin? so this may be a bit disjointed

I was so set in my mind how I was going to welcome our baby into this world.
I had looked into Hypnobirthing, and although I did not do the course due to finances, I read the books and used a CD that a friend leant me.

In the weeks leading up to Molly Jane?s birth, I read the birth stories of other Bellybelliers and couldn?t wait to be able to share my story.

I probably didn?t prepare as much as I could and should have got other people more involved in the hypnobirthing but I had a wonderfully supportive husband and sister (who is a myotherapist and treated me through my pregnancy) that were going to be my birth partners, also I had a homeopathic kit that a friend put together for me too?What more did I need?

The contractions started at 3am, I had a show the day before and knew that our little bundle would be making an entrance soon.
So I got out of bed, called the hossy just to let them know and started timing the contractions? mistake #1, instead of getting focused, I waited for each contraction and almost took pleasure in the fact that they were getting stronger and more painful, because that meant that I was closer to having my baby.
The contractions were strong and close, 5 mins apart and within half an hour I had my first vomit? ?excellent? I thought, this baby is going to come quickly.
At 4am I woke DH, he was ready to get out of bed and take me to the hospital, but I said I didn?t want to go yet, I just wanted him to know, so he went back to bed, knowing that it could be a long day.
At 5.30am the contractions were 3 mins apart and I had to pace through them, they really hurt and I wasn?t getting much rest. I called the hospital again as they told me the first time to call back when they were 3 mins apart and they told me to come in soon.
I had another vomit and decided that I would make a cup of tea and wake DH?

He was up staright away and I told him not to hurry, I tried to sit in bed as he showered (my request, I wanted a clean and smooth DH for support ) I found the contractions unbearable to sit through, I just wanted to pace, so called my sister and decided that I should go to the hossy then and there ? mistake #2

As I arrived to the hospital I was excited and apprehensive, my Midwife was fantastic, she read my birth plan and asked me a few question and left me to it, but stayed in the room quietly for support. I continued to pace the room, I considered a shower but just didn?t think that I would be able to sit or stand still for long enough.
My mid bought in a birthing ball and I sat on that for a bid and had some sacral pressure which helped a bit, but I still had to move through the contractions.

My OB asked at about 10ish for the mid to see how dialiated I was, I didn?t mind this so much as I was pretty curious too? I was 5cm at 11am and I was rapt, I though that the longest part was progressing well and we were all pretty confident that I would have my baby by the end of my midwifes shift? it made the pacing easier.
At this point I decided that I would have some gas, on the lowest setting, just to help.

At 2pm (a change of shift was happening so i had 2 different MW at this stage) I was told that my waters were to be broken (in my birthplan I very specifically said that I did not want artificial ROM and I had previously discussed this with my OB) I was helped up on to the bed and my waters were broken. Mistake # 3 was not objecting to this or questioning it. Why did they have to be broken??? I was moving along fine, probably just not quick enough for my OB?s liking.
At this point I was exhausted, I had paced non stop from 3am, so about 12 hours, with no rest and nothing to eat and the water that I drank I just spewed back up.
So I was encouraged to have a rest on the bed Mistake #4 (again in my birth plan I wrote that I did not want to lie down, nor did I want to be asked to)
They told me at this point I was 7cm and I was devastated, I though that I would be closer to 8 or maybe 9 and I cried and made my Dh and sister cry?
I was also told that my cervix was uneven and that if I lay on my right side I would possibly even it up. So there I stayed sucking on the gas, unable to get up as I was to uncomfortable and exhausted, for the next hour or so.

At 5pm the OB came and checked my to see how dialted I was? surprise surprise nothing really had happened as I was on my back.
I was told that I would need a C/S as I was failing to progress
I was told that being given synotocin or anything similar would not work as I was already contracting effectively (they were about 1-2mins apart)
I was told that my pelvis was proably too small

I was devastated and cried and begged not to have one.
I was given an hour for something to happen (in my birthplan I asked for no time limits as long as there was nothing wrong)
I asked for peth, maybe if the pain was dulled I would relax and I would dilate so I could have my baby naturally ? I looked to my DH and sister for help, I really didn?t want a c/s, but I didn?t know what to do, nor did they.

I had the peth, DH tried to relax me and get me to focus, he knew how much I wanted a VB, my sister got the homeopathic remedies out and found the one that should help and massaged me a bit? I tried so hard to relax, but the pain got the better of me.

I felt a gush of warmth between my legs and more of my waters leaked out.
I let my nurse know and she helped change me? but there was mec staining so on went the monitors.
My sister and DH were worried but didn?t let it show, we were told that the babies heart rate was dropping and that I would need a c/s soon

I was deflated.

I would do nothing to risk the health of my baby so I got ready for surgery.

As they wheeled me out of the birthing room I was scare and so very sad ? I had failed
They wheeled me past Mum and Dad who had been waiting all day, so excited and I just wanted to cry, they were worried and I was sad and in pain? I now had no pain relief on board, the peth had worn off and I had no gas.

As I was in the holding bay waiting to go into theatre there was a stupid aneathetic nurse who kept telling me to huff through the contractions and annoyed me, I wanted to punch her, I was in pain, I was lying flat on my back and I wasn?t going to have my baby they way I wanted. I had to wait 30mins in that room before I went into theatre (cant have been that much of an emergency) contracting every minute or so? I just wanted them to stop, every time I felt one, I got more upset, my body was trying, but it wasn?t happening.. they were pointless.

Dh had to go off and get changed, little did I know, he spent 15 minutes trying to get his hat looking funny for me, so that I would laugh and not be sad ? he kept taking photos and readjusting so it was just right ? poor thing I didn?t even notice?

The anaesthetist was fantastic, not her nurse though, I was having a contraction as they tried to roll me over to give me the spinal block, I said ?just wait a moment? the nurse just pushed me over and tried to shove my legs up ? man I really wanted to yell and scream at her, but I remained calm and bit my tongue.

Lying on the table not really feeling anything was surreal, I was teary but so excited at once, everyone in the room took bets on what they all thought I was having ? everyone said boy.
The drapes were lowered an there was my baby, I wast sure at first, but it was a girl, I was right all along, I knew I had been carring a girl right from the start.
She was beautiful and she made the hurt go away.
I got to cuddle her, but I felt that something was missing.

Soon she was taken away, DH went too ? he was not allowed to let her out of his sight (I don?t think that he would of anyway)
After they stapled me up I went to recovery alone.
That was so hard, I had just had a baby and she was gone.
I sat and watched the clock
30mins to the dot I told them that I wanted to go
DH came down with the orderly and nurse to bring me up. He told me that he didn?t tell Mum, Dad and Nina any of the details of her weight etc as he wanted me to know first, he wasn?t even going to tell them what sex she was but it was a bit hard.

I hated the fact that I didn?t get to introduce my daughter to my family (they felt weird about it too they said later)
Up on the ward I got to hold my beautiful daughter again, they had given me morphine and some other things and so I was pretty out of it.
2 hours had passed since she was born? and finally I was able to really hold and touch and see my daughter.

I didn?t bond properly with her for the first week. I blame the caesarean

The following day my OB came in and the first thing he said to me was ?you will have to have a caesarean for your next baby? WTF?. I felt like yelling at him and telling him to leave. It wasn?t a big deal for him, but for me it was like the end of the world, I had failed and he didn?t care at all.

For the first month I spent a lot of time blaming and very very angry.

I now these things still run through my head, probably every second day
? If I stayed home earlier I might have had a different outcome
? I should have prepared better
? I never should have lied down
? She had mec staining probably from the peth
? I should have said no to the c/s

I have spoken a lot to my DH and sister about this. I don?t blame them for any of this, my sister openly says that she would have done anything I asked, she was scared and really just wanted to please me, if I asked to go to the moon, she would have tried to take me.
DH hates hospitals, for the fact that he was there the whole time, didn?t complain when I spewed on him and tried to make me laugh I am so grateful.

Yes my birth partners could have and possibly should had done more, but they didn?t let me down in my books.
I let myself down. I gave up and I failed to have my baby naturally.

Thank you for letting me get this out, I have been carring it around for nearly 5 months and although it is getting eaiser, I know the only way I can let go is do it again and prepare and know what I am in for and make sure that my birth partners are able to get behind me and make the tough calls. Next time it will be so different.

I look at my daughter now and know that I have an incredible bond with her, its there, it just took a while? I love her more than anything in the world, I just feel like I failed.

Any comments would be appreciated if you made it to the end of my story

[dragoncookie]

Thanks for sharing your story SJ.
I don't really have any words of wisdom but I don't think you failed. Your care providers failed, not you.
I wish you a really empowered birth for next time.

Sammiejane
Thank you for sharing your experience. Please please please do not think that you failed. You have brought a beautiful girl into this world who is so very lucky to have you as a mummy.
Blame the OB and the uncaring staff who rushed you along and ignored your birth plan.
Be proud of yourself for getting as far as you did and use the experience for the next time when you will have the VB you wanted. And get a new OB.
Be kind to yourself.

[~clover~]

Hey SJ. You did amazing! MJ is a beautiful baby & you gave birth the way you were meant to. As you said, it was MJ's life you were thinking of.
If my labour with Jesse hadn't been 5 hours I would've ended up with a ceaser too. He was distressed. My waters broke an hour into labour & had mecconium in it.
I had to be monitored the whole labour, & they were talking about vacuum extraction - which would've meant episiotomy. But they couldn't find the ventouse thing - ha ha to them!!
Next time you know. With Jaz they were talking about a ceaser coz it was progressing so slowly, but it was only coz of my MIL it didn't happen. She told them to see how I go for a bit longer.
If they had've said something to me about it, I'd have freaked & let them take me up.

[MamaSpice]

Oh sweetie a big to you. I feel your pain, I really do.
You didn't fail. You gave life to a beautiful little girl.

I always wanted a vaginal birth too, but needed an elective cs due to pre-eclampsia. I thought I had made peace with this until I ended up needing a general. I didn't expect that and I have found if very difficult to deal with the fact that I totally missed my daughters birth. If there is anything that my own traumatic birth experience has taught me, it is to be more determined for a more positive experience next time, but also to keep in my mind that anything can happen and to try to be more prepared for anything.
I wrote a letter to my OB about how I felt about Charli's birth and she is open to me having a VBAC next time but has also agreed that if I do need another caesar she will allow me to have a maternal assisted caesarean - which to me is the next best thing.
Perhaps it will help if you write to your OB too. Perhaps then he will be a little more understanding? Or at least he will know how you feel.

Oh, and honestly, it does get easier. Hang in there sweetie.

[~Trish~]

You didn't fail, you did an absolutely fantastic job. You did everything possible to have the birth you wanted, I'm sorry it didn't turn out the way you had hoped. Don't blame yourself about letting the intervention happen, I know how hard it is when you are in the thick of labour to think clearly enough to speak up for yourself. You tend to trust the midwives/obs at the time as they seem to know what they are talking about.

I'm glad your DH & sister were such a wonderful support for you. It's really hard on your loved ones to watch you go through labour which is why they probably didn't speak up for you either. They would have just wanted you to be free from your pain because they care about you so much. I know I couldn't watch my own sister give birth, I would be a mess!

Please know that you didn't fail, you did so well to get as far as you did labouring. I'm so glad your little girl finally arrived safely in your arms .

[Bathsheba]

Oh SammieJane In so many ways that is an amazing birth story darl.
I think you've done so well to put all your thoughts and feelings "onto paper". This in itself is healing (there have been studies done that show this is the case... it's good for the brain for you to describe painful feelings in depth because it's "worked through thoroughly" and your brain is able to relax and stop dwelling on it so constantly, if that makes sense).

For every mistake you have listed you can add a gain. You have gained insight. You have gained empathy for women who have gone through the same thing. There is a saying that the only way to grow is to make mistakes... BUT perhaps they weren't all mistakes? Perhaps, for example, your cervix simply wasn't going to open up anymore? In that case accepting the c-section WASN'T a mistake at all.

I guess all you can do is ask your OB more indepth questions to prepare yourself for next time and to help you more accurately determine what was a real mistake or not. Just a suggestion When I read your story I just did NOT read it as if it was written by a person blundering through making mistakes left right and centre. I read a story written by a deeply aware and empowered woman. Well done! preparing yourself by even considering hypnobirthing as an option, for example. Well done for not just handing your entire birth experience over to hospital staff. Well done for surrounding yourself with people that you trust.

I agree that looking into having support people who are able to confidently speak on your behalf instead of following without question the advice from the medical staff (grrr at that nurse who shoved you around) is very important. Doulas are great for this. They have that little bit of distance to see your situation clearly... DH's and relatives so often just see the distress and this can cloud their judgement... making them feel confused. Just my thoughts... my own experience was that having a doula during times of pressure made me more confident in demanding the type of birth I wanted (within the realm of what was safe for my baby).

I hope I haven't been too opinionated darl. Writing that all out must have been so hard and emotional I wouldn't like to sound too heavy. I've always had long labours... my last labour was VERY pressurised by hospital staff and I had to fight back many interventions. I really do have the greatest admiration for your ability to inform yourself and to know what you want and to make sure it's better next time. However please do know that if you need to have a c-section again it does NOT mean you have failed again! Failure to me is failing to inform yourself as to your options and knowing the consequences of each option. You can't help a cervix that is never going to fully dilate... that is not failure, you know this, that is just life. Many people will tell you things along the lines of "oh well, at least you have your daughter and she is healthy". Many people will miss your point (not as likely here in BB thankfully!) that you still feel disappointed. I know that you have every right to feel upset but I really sense that you can work through this and hopefully turn many of those negatives into positives. In summary: keep up the good work!!! *more hugs*

Sammie you didn't fail. You did so remarkably well.

The other's here have all supported you and I do as well. Yes you could have stood unmoving on your birth plan, but that is not how life is, and giving birth is very much a part of life. You made the right choices for you, for the situation you faced.

Don't doubt yourself, something in you told you what the right thing was, you listened. Yes now you have doubts, now you reflect on the TV depicted birth that is romantic, wondrous, simple, and perfect.

Don't doubt yourself, you are strong. You did the right thing ! !

Grieve the loss of something you had to let die, the dream you held, the dream you created. The dream you drifted off to sleep to, so many nights as you lay feeling your child squirm and squiggle deep inside you.

Sammie, I would really like you to consider forwarding this post in the form of a letter to both your OB and the anaesthetist, with the suggestion she forwards it on to the nurse.

[Oshani]

sweet. Please.... don't think for one second that you failed because you didn't. Even though you didn't get the birth that you wanted you brought your precious little girl safely into this world. FWIW you did an amazing job getting to where you did. I am just sorry that your care givers let you down when you needed them the most.

I didn't have a c-sect but I have unwanted intervention and I still go over the "what if's" even 12 months on. I hope you feel a little better getting it all out.. I know it helped me to get it all down. Please know that we are all here for you anytime you need to vent and cry. I know it is these gorgeous women here that have helped me through many cr@ppy times. again.

[{sarah}]

Third time lucky, hopefully this will post!

Firstly -

YOU DID NOT FAIL.
YOU HAVEN'T LET ANYONE DOWN.

You sound so so angry Sammiejane It is so hard to have prepared & worked for a natural birth then it all falls apart. You need to grieve for the loss of a natural birth & this is a part of it. Please don't be angry at yourself though, you did everything you could with what you were given. Labour is tough & you can't anticipate what will happen when you are there. I forgot everything I had written in my birth plan because I was too caught up in trying to get through the labour. It happens to the best of us hun, you did nothing wrong.

You did not give up, you were told your baby was in distress so did what you thought was best for her at the time. You said yourself "I would do nothing to risk the health of my baby so I got ready for surgery." Clearly you thought at the time that it was in the best interests of your baby to have the surgery, you didn't give up at all.

I was the same with not being able to share my children with the world straight away, it's not fair that it's taken from us when we have a c/s. I'm not sure how to get past that part to be honest as now, three years after my first c/s I still struggle with the fact that everyone else got to hold my son before I did So on that point, I feel your pain totally.

I love that you are already thinking of ways to have it different next time. Maybe try getting a doula or an independant midwife who has been there & knows how to help. Having Kelly & Cailin on the phone while I was in labour was great. Kelly being a doula & Cailin having had a VBAC herself knew how to keep me going, even if they were talking to me through Aaron as I didn't want to hold the phone LOL! I didn't get my VBAC in the end, but it was different. I was in control, I was empowered & the c/s was so much better.

What you have to do now is keep talking. To your sister, your DH, friends, us on BB.... It's the best way to get past it all, get it out. The more you talk about it, the more things you remember & you start to realise, hey it wasn't me at all, it was the circumstances that caused all this, I am not to blame.

Thinking of you hun

[principessa76]

Sammiejane,

I too did not end up having the birth I wanted - mine was the opposite though. I had a very quick VB with DS being born at 35w1d when I had planned an elective C/S. I too know what its like to have your baby taken away from you immediately. For me it made me feel like I hadn't even had a baby! It didn't register that I'd had a baby until the following day when I got to take DS out of the humidicrib and BF him for the first time. The whole thing was surreal.

Pls don't be too hard on your OB and the hosp staff for being uncaring. They do care but they have to be unemotional about the whole thing if they are to remain objective and make important decisions. They do what they do because they think that is what is best for you an your bub.

Don't blame yourself and pls don't feel like a failure. You are anything but a failure You've got beautiful baby and you're a wonderful mother. I hope things go the way you want them to next time but be prepared for anything. I sure will be!

[Rainbow Raver]

wow that was an amazing story.
i couldnt even imagine how u felt, but YOU DID NOT FAIL

[~Aveta~]

sweetie, you didn't fail. sometimes our bodies just don't do what we tell them to. you have a live beautiful baby girl, and you love her dearly. it will take a while to debrief the birth, it was a terribly traumatic experience for you, but YOU DID NOT FAIL.

my twins birth was botched, one vaginal birth (my daughter) then an emergency c/s for my son. it took me years to come to terms with it, especially having the nursing staff be callous and berate me for not having an epidural in the first place, but in the end i did get two live babies. and i had to be content with that.

you had a red hot go at a natural birth so be very proud of yourself.

[Sammiejane]

Thank you all for your replies, it has helped just to post my story, but to have so many supportive comments instead of 'oh you should just be grateful for a healthy baby' really was great

A few comments
I have thought about writing to my OB, but i dont actually think that it will do any good, i didnt go back for my 6 week appointment with him (surprisingly i was not called or had anything from his rooms to check why i did not make an appointment) and i would not trust him to be my OB next time around

Bath - you were not too opinionated at all, you had me bawling (again) i have to admit, but in a good way - thank you for your kind comments

Sarah - your comments also had me well up again, thank you for your comments and suggestions.

Princepessa - unfortunately as a nurse myself i have certain expectations on how health professional should behave - i have berated Dr's that i work with for their uncaring attitude and the way they provide care. Being objective is one thing, i understand that decisions have to be made, but the decisions that were made by my OB were out of convenience unfortunately. Thank you for your words thou.

I made the decision to have a private OB as i believed that i would have more luck at having the birth that i wanted. I spoke to my OB about my birth intentions and wishes and other than a couple of things that we disagreed about (cord clamping and placental removal) he told me that he would follow my plan.

If i could do it again, i would go to a birth centre (ironically the room next door to where i laboured for hours) and if i could i would go there for my second (when and if) but in another harsh blow, i am not allowed to go to a birth centre for a VBAC, so those thoughts are out the window too.

Thanks again for your support

[{sarah}]

Maybe research into some other birth centres to see if you can have a VBAC there?

[Lady Zaidie]

Hun, it might be worth reading my birth stories here - not for the story, but because I have a lot of the same emotions and the comments there may help you too. You didn't fail, you have a living, healthy little girl, your daughter, whom you love (although that isn't always a consolation). Hospitals are CRAP and no woman in labour deserves to be tortured in one of those. I work in a hospital too and believe me, the trouble I am going through now because no-one else works to my standards is ridiculous: I'm going to be fully blind in one eye before I get tested to see how far the nerve damage has spread.

The decisions made were NOT in your best interests. Your sister and your DH should have heard what you wanted beforehand and asked why as well - it shouldn't have been down to you to fight the establishment. I would write a complaint about it, I would also not trust that hospital, let alone that OB, again. The Ob usually just goes with hospital policy, find somewhere nicer.

I can't watch birth on TV either; I scream, shout, cry... how come THEY have support people who actually support? How come THEY have nice midwives and Obs? How come THEY labour on their back and say "uhh" and out pops a nice, clean, eye-focussing baby? Sometimes even in the little outfit the placenta knitted for them (I had a stupid placenta that never got around to knitting that birth outfit).

[rachel6188]

Sammi jane you had me in tears. YOU DID NOT FAIL!!!
I myself have never given birth so I cannot imagine what you are going through but you did you d@mn hardest to make sure you had a vb. YOUR CARE PROVIDERS FAILED YOU!!!
huni im not sure what to say apart from that.
Your princess is beautiful and i you get the vb you want next time.
Take care Rach xxxxxxxxx

[Aphrael]

I know the pain you are going thru and I really hope you can come to terms with your last birth, writing it down usually is a good step to coming to terms with it (and will also help you have more success with your next birth)!

There are so many things you can do to ensure you have the birth YOU want, as its only been 1 caesar the odds are pretty good you can have the birth you want for your next baby!

You may not be able to use a birth centre but finding a hospital with a good VBAC history is a good idea and using the midwives! Stay away from Ob's who pay lip service to you and then wheel you off for another caesar at term, there are so many out there! If you want a VB next time around SHOP! Interview as many Ob's as you want, book in at a hospital with midwives, find the BEST place you will be comfortable to birth!!!

Learn from the mistakes made at your birth, certainly not by you as you aren't the professional, but have a birth attendant who can keep you better informed of your choices ie. a Doula or a Midwife! It has been proven that a natural birth is more likely to happen if you have a Doula or Midwife working solely with YOU!!!

Do everything possible to make sure you have a body fit for birthing!

I'll be having a VBA2C in Feb, my odd's are against me but I will MAKE it happen!!!

Anyway, best of luck and for now just enjoy your little girl!!!

Cheers,

Beck

PS. Let me know if you want any more info on VBAC!