Still struggling

[butterfly_warrior]

I've found over the last few days that I'm really upset about how Sam's birth went. It all started when I saw pictures of a friend in hospital after having her baby - lovely skin to skin cuddles in the moments immediately after birth and it all came rushing back that my baby was taken away.

This could all be a bit garbled...

There were several questions asked of me as we were in the pushing stage...

Did I want a mirror to see the head crowning? Hell, no! I needed to concentrate and didn't want to be distracted and I knew I was tearing and it was messy and bloody and icky down there and I just didn't want to see.

Did I want to put my hand down and touch him? Again, no! I needed to concentrate and your questions are distracting me... you're talking episiotomies if I don't get him out, but distracting me from pushing when I already can't push properly... grrrr!

And then... Did we want skin to skin contact after birth? All I could answer was "I don't know". I was scared, we were having this baby four weeks early and I was entirely unprepared for labour. I'd done no reading, didn't even have my bag packed that morning when my waters broke. I wanted to say yes, but I was so focussed on just getting him out... I was so scared... Why didn't I just say yes?

When Sam came out, and they'd untangled him from the cord that was trying to strangle him, they handed him up to me, but left me in my gown and didn't ask again about the skin to skin contact. I was still scared as hell at that point. I had a baby in my arms that I had no idea what to do with, but I was just so relieved that he was cradled there with balled up fists and crying most angrily about having his comfortable home being disturbed. I was so relieved that he was breathing at all because he came out so silently at first...

I keep wondering whether breastfeeding would have gone better if we did have skin to skin contact in those first few moments. But would the brief five minutes (if that) that they allowed us to have make any difference?

I certainly don't think successful breastfeeding would have made any difference to the state of my arthritis so we would have had to give it up at some point in time anyway... but Sam was 8 weeks old before I started methotrexate and 8 weeks of breast milk would have been better than 2 weeks.

I keep going over and over in my head what happened and what we can do to avoid it happening next time... which seems ridiculous as I'm not even sure if there will be a next time (only two embryos, poor thawing rates and I'm still adamant that there will be no more stim cycles).

What can be done apart from not having the next baby early? And how do we avoid that when we don't even know why Sam came early and my OB wasn't at all interested in finding out why because he was born after 34 weeks?

And why oh why did I not tell the visitors to bugger off at feed times and actually have more attempts at getting Sam to attach in those first couple of days? Why couldn't the SCN nurses have actually enforced the only immediate family rules? Why did my SIL have to steamroll the nurses into letting her in because we had no immediate family close, and as she was the only family member at all that lived close she should be let in? Why did my parents have to stay at the bloody hospital for 6 hours straight when they came so that I was just way too exhausted to even contemplate breastfeeding?

I'm so frustrated by it all, and I know I can't change it, and even though Sam is absolutely thriving now, I still feel like I've failed him. Without correcting his age, at three months old he had made it to the 50th percentile for weight and the 75th for length... when he was born he was barely on the 3rd for weight and the 25th for length, so he's certainly caught up and moved on from the early arrival business.

But how do I stop feeling like I failed him because I was too scared to agree to skin to skin contact when he was first born? Is there any way to make sure all of this doesn't happen again? I'm starting to feel like I need to make a plan to avoid it all happening for the next baby even though I'm not sure there'll be a next baby... but I'm also scared that making the plan will make me want a second baby so badly that I well end up going back for more stim cycles... and getting OHSS so that I can't care for Sam and feeling like once again I've failed my boy...

How do I stop my thoughts running around in circles and just move on?

BW

[olive]

aww hun you me and lots of other first time mums go throught the same things after the birth, the why questions plaqued me for months, still do.
with DD1 i like you declined mirror, i did touch her head, i did have skin to skin contact after i removed my top, (this time no clothes), but seriously when you;ve just given birth you forget everything and just want to look, touch and enjoy bubs
i was groggy from pethadine, had an epidural which resulted in and episotomy, bad and looooooooooong recovery , ots of pain, regretted everythig about the labour, which id why i made sure i did things differently this time,
i had the mirror, i touched her head , i pulled her out and onto my tummy,i had no drugs, i had a birthplan i was so much more prepared. its not anyones fault that sam came early, you havent failed him at all, you nurtured him, you love him and you provide all the things babies need.

dont look back and remember all the regrets, look back and remember that you created sam and bought him into this world

[Trillian]

Honestly? I don't know if you ever stop with the coulda-shoulda-woulda's. I was like you with my first - he wasn't early, but I had no idea that I should have had skin to skin time immediately after he was born - and I can only imagine that the situation would be entirely different for you seeing as how he was early and you had no idea whether he would need special care etc, so its no wonder you weren't sure what to do You should have been given more direction from the staff about how it was going to play out, like 'if he's xyz we will have to take him straight away, but if he's abc you will be able to have cuddles and a feed" etc. Even though you were asked about the skin to skin, it wasn't expanded on enough for you to be sure about what you wanted to do. Pair that with the you just having given birth 4 weeks early and sheesh!

I don't know if BF would have worked out better for you if there had of been less visitors or not, because I remember from one of your other threads that there were other issues too, but the visitors certainly didn't help and they really should have been more respectful of you in those early days but we dont ever say anything because the last thing we want is conflict kwim? So try not to worry about the amount of time that he did or didn't have it for - you have your own medical issues that you needed to think about too if you were going to be able to care for him at all.

And I know I bonded with all of my babies even though I didn't always have the immediate skin to skin. I think we tend to beat ourselves up too much over that sometimes. In fact I think my closest bonds are with the two that I was away from longer - my third because she had to be taken off me while I had a manual placenta removal and with my fourth because he needed rescussitation so it was about 10 minutes before I even got to hold him.

I know that he certainly wont hold against what did or didn't happen in those first few minutes, because all he will know is love from you and that you did everything you could to make him grow big and strong and give him a mum that is able to care for him. It's ok to feel like you've been ripped off or that if you could go back you would do things better/differently because that's just part of the process of de-briefing after a birth. Even someone who did have all the skin to skin time in the world might still wish that they did the breast crawl instead kwim? In time it probably wont affect you in the same way even though it's still *there* and you will be able to move forward.

[butterfly_warrior]

Thank you!

It's nice to know that others go through the same experiences, even without the complicating factors that I had. In my OB's words, I'm not "medically uncomplicated" and I did really well to have got him that far and got him out myself... And considering that this time last year I was just getting underway on the stim cycle that gave him to us and never ever believed I'd actually have a baby...

I think that what it comes down to is that he *was* early. And early arrivals are always going to be a bit more complicated and have more challenges... but it also makes me feel like he needed breast milk even more, yet I couldn't give him anywhere near enough... I suppose I should just be thankful that formula exists as without it he would have starved to death...

And to look at him now, he doesn't look at all like he was premature, and it's so easy to forget the truth of those first few days and his issues with getting the sucking and breathing thing right.

BW

[Bec7]

BW

I still clearly remember being asked all those questions, right at the inappropriate time! I said no to all those questions too, as I felt I was too busy to be worried about those at that moment. I know I didn't have it quite as complicated as you though, as Cameron was only almost 3 weeks early (but he was small and was borderline for the SCU). For a little while after I wondered if I should've done things different...but then I realised theres no point to looking back, there is nothing I can change now. I've learnt to look forward by watching my beautiful son learn and grow - this is more then enough to remind me how lucky I am. I look into my sons eyes and live for the now (and future).

I hope you too can learn to let go of the past and look forward into a wonderful future of raising your georgeous little boy.

[Kmn]

There's also a huge shift in how you think that comes with babies that have been a long wait and a lot of intervention to conceive - so that is all very controlled, and quite distant from you and unbelievably slow and tedious. And then they are here, and it is all systems go, and decisions have to be made when you're not in the best shape to make them, and you can't consult several specialists and discuss your options and so on.

I remember that after years of planning, with every stage taking twice as long as they said it would, on one level my brain was quite surprised to grow a baby in 9 months rather than 18!

Everything about parenthood is imperfect and unplanned and just doing the very best you can with what you've got at the time. And that took me a lot of getting used to.

I'm not sure if you're in the same boat...

hugs
Kate

[butterfly_warrior]

Thanks, Bec. I guess most days I'm fine and it's not really an issue at all. I think it was just seeing the pictures of my friend and her new baby brought back all the thoughts of what I missed out on... Crazy, as with his cord so tightly around his neck I could easily be missing out on absolutely everything, and there's also been a scary reminder of that this week, too.

I've also seen quite a lot lately about how formula is evil... and that makes me feel guilty, it's hard to keep reminding yourself that formula may be evil, but it's the lesser of two evils for us... and sometimes you just need to hear it from someone else (thank you, Trillian!)

BW

[DANNIIM]

BW don't feel as though you have and will fail Sam, i remember you once telling me not to feel guilty about giving my boy formula, sometimes it just can't be helped and although we would like it different it just can't be.

When DS1 was born i was so in awe of him that i would just look at him all day and all night and wasn't feeding him as much as i should and so i had problems with the BFing and the nurses weren't much help either....didn't give me much advice!

Basically there will always be what if's, especially for your first child. Try not to put too many expectations on yourself, i don't know what it is like to go through assisted conception but i can only imagine how emotionally draining it could be!

[~Saram~]

BW - another one here that always asks the what if and my labours went pretty well, but I still think I should have done this and I should have done that.

The very fact that you are asking yourself "have i failed" should tell yourself that you haven't! I good mum always questions the choices she makes for her family, it's our way of reflecting and getting better. Perhaps it would help you to make a list of the things that happened, what you wish had happened or what you would like to do next time and acknowledge each one and tell yourself that you did the best you could in the circumstance and then put the list away somewhere that you can look back "if" you decide to have another baby.

[Bending Reality]

This happens because the first time, all we want is a healthy baby. We don't think of our emotional needs, we don't stop and wonder what would be best for mum and bub - we just want to have a healthy baby and thats all that matters, right?

Just because we know better now, does not mean we should question our desires and faith that first time. We did get what we wanted - we just didnt realise we needed so much more. Don't get upset with yourself for that. Hug your baby and remember you did everything for him. My Sam went straight into NICU with a collapsed lung. I spent an hour in the delivery ward by myself crying because I couldnt hold him - DH was with him, and I was stuck to the bed on this rotten drip because of the stupid PPH! But I gave up that hour of his life to give him years. I can't allow myself to regret that.

[Lady Zaidie]

Oh, Sweetheart, you've not failed him. I had no skin-to-skin for the first day or so and it didn't stop me from BFing (hope this comes out supportive rather than anything else). Although I was happy to just feed in front of anyone and if they were upset then tough titties. Or rather, sore titties. But anyway.

What happened is you are a woman. Women seem to be programmed and gender-role-enforced to be polite and hospitable and think of others. While NOW we can see there are times to just tell people where to go (ie home) when we're tired or in emotional shock we just fall back on the progamming and be all docile and whatnot just to survive. Other people should be looking out for us, not the other way around. They failed you, you didn't fail at all.

And you're doing a great job as a mother. Your little Sam is loved and adored, he's clean, freshly nappied, nourished... who gives a flying fish HOW this is done? You're his mother and make the BEST choices. Starvation or formula? Best choice formula, you made the best choice.

Bonding, I don't think that's affected by skin-to-skin or time at birth. DS called DH "Da" from very early on (about 6m?) but didn't start calling me "Mamu" until just recently: until I acknowledged to myself that I was his mother. I think that the way we are treated in those early days has more to do with it than being able to gaze at a newborn and stroke them, cute as tiny babies are.

Hugs to you, and give your SiL a big slap next time you see her.