The things people say...

[Possums]

Hi everyone, this is a bit of a vent really, but I thought I'd post it here, as some (or perhaps most) of you will be able to relate...

I am finding it really hard to try and be 'up' for other people. I feel as though I have to put a positive spin on our situation to make sure other people don't feel uncomfortable.
I have also noticed other people usually try and put a positive spin on it somehow, I think they do this with the best of intentions, to try and make me feel better, and also to try and make themselves feel less uncomfortable talking about something difficult. But I must say, sometimes all I want people to say to me is "oh, that's really hard, that must be tough" etc. Just plain understanding.

instead I often get things like "oh well, onward and upward" "you just have to stay positive, it will happen", or "i'm sure you'll get there in the end, you are just having an adventure on the way" (some adventure);
or, now that we have medical issues identified which have caused the miscarriages (but have not caused the difficulty getting pregnant...thats an issue with my tubes, which has not changed), I constantly get:
"oh well, this is good, now you should be able to fall pregnant easily right" (well, no)... "or, this is great news, now you can proceed forward" (yes, it is good news having answers for sure, but sometimes it's hard always having to be upbeat about having another medical problem identified...things that affect my health, require medication and monitoring and which mean any future pregnancy will be high risk and need close care).
I always go along with the positive comment, as I feel I have to, and say something like "oh yes, of course, moving forward now! I'm sure our turn will come soon, laugh /smile". sigh.
I think I am just having a bad day and am at a hormonal time of the month, but I really am tired of having to put on a positive front for others, even though I know they usually mean well, or simply don't know what else to say. It's making me feel less and less like socialising in groups, because I find it hard work.

I also find on the subject of miscarriages, people seem to think I am 'recovered' now, like they are done and over with ...but they are not done and over with to me. The loss and grief is still there, it's just more manageable now.

Sorry for the long vent ladies. Does this get to other people sometimes too?

[Teagz]

I also find on the subject of miscarriages, people seem to think I am 'recovered' now, like they are done and over with ...but they are not done and over with to me. The loss and grief is still there, it's just more manageable now.

I can't say I relate to the comments about having to go through IVF and health issues, but this, you have hit the nail on the head. And being pregnant again people also automaticcally assume that I'm "all better now" which isn't the case, yes, I'm estatic that I have another little bub on the way, but I wish so much that I could have heard my first cry and gone through my first pregnancy til term with that innocence of not knowing all that bad stuff that can happen...

As hard as it is, it's always best to remember that people say "stupid" things because they have no idea themselves, they have never been there, and although sometimes they hurt it's just the way it is unfortunately.

I'm sorry you're having a bad day chick

______

Our Angel , Jayvan 17 Weeks & 6 Days 11/12/2008

[Possums]

Teagz- thank you for the support. I can understand how you feel about being pregnant again, but how that does not erase your loss and the pain you experienced ...and the loss of your innoncent joy in pregnancy

[farmgirl77]

what you are going through is so hard, and you will always have scars from it...unfortunatly people who have not experienced the grief and loss that you have will always find it difficult to undertand. I agree it can be difficult to put up with people always trying to be upbeat - i think that it is just a human reaction that most of us revert to in order to keep going - trying to be positive for others and for ourselves - but sometimes it is not what we want or need! I wish I had an answer for you, but I dont, but dont be afraid to tell people how you are feeling and you dont have to be positive for the sake of others - be true to how you feel.
FG

[Possums]

FG- thank you...I really hope all is going well for you!...love seeing your avatar with you and a baby now :-)

[snugglybean]

Originally Posted by farmgirl77

dont be afraid to tell people how you are feeling and you dont have to be positive for the sake of others - be true to how you feel.
FG

Best advice I have ever got is to be upfront. Don't be afraid to tell others what you're feeling, or what you need. Even my boss suggested that I say to people "Actually, that's not helping."
Better still, someone told me to say "that's an interesting comment. What makes you say that?" Because it makes them actually consider why they are spouting empty cliches, without you sounding like a biatch.
I ended up hiding under ym desk having a good solid cry a couple of weeks ago, and the more I thought about anyone seeing me cry, the more I cried. But then I went out, and faced them. Everyone. I just said "I'm leaving for the day, I'll see you tomorrow." and they'd all have been able to see that I was upset. It was SUCH a relief because it meant I wasn't acting anymore; I could just live, and be me. I haven't cried since, but I know that I could and it wouldn't be a big deal.

it shows that you're an awesome person, caring enough about their feelings as to take that burden upon yourself. But there comes a time to draw the line, enough is enough, cut the act if you have to. If they can't handle it, that's their problem. (but they'll probably surprise you and you'll find that it's not so bad.)

[CeCe]

I so hear the being sick and tired of the positive comments. I know I've withdrawn from a lot of people I use to talk to about cycles. It just gets hard to say 'another unsuccessful cycle' and hearing 'oh well, always next time' when I'm in a state of grief. It seems they just don't get it, but most of the people I use to talk to haven't needed IVF.

Snugglebean I like your suggestion of "that's an interesting comment. What makes you say that". I so wish I had the courage to say that last week when people at work were saying how after an IVF pregnancy "it's just so common for people to get pregnant without assistance. It happens all the time". Not in my experience. Sorry Possums for my little vent in your thread.

Please know you are not alone.

[Janie71]

Just wanted to jump on and give you a big Possums. I think most people are just niave about the LTTTC and miscarriages - unless they have some experience with one or both. I'm sure as you said it is just that they feel uncomfortable or that they just want to somehow make the situation better. I didn't tell a lot of people when I was TTC so probably managed to avoid a lot of what you have mentioned.

I often think of how you are going and pray that you will get to have the pregnancy/birth/baby that you so greatly deserve.

Janie xxx

[Possums]

Thanks so much everyone for your lovely support and advice...I will try being honest more often and see what happens!

[airline]

oh Possums...babe, sorry you've had this. I have to fully admit I probably try and put +ve spins on things when talking about issues other people have, I guess it's a natural thing to do to try and make them feel better. But, I've also learned that the best thing someone can say to me is 'I'm sorry, I don't know what to say, but I'm here if you need anything'...so I'm trying to adopt that tact from now on.

take care and hugs

[snugglybean]

I also can't stand pity. urrrghhh. Or people thinking that there's nothing else I want to talk about. Or people not even ever mentioning it.

WHY can't they just read my mind?!?

[Possums]

well yes indeed if they could read our minds, they would say just what we need to hear right when we need to hear it

[trubabe]

i totally understand how you feel.sometimes its so hard to act positive when deep down all you really want to do is scream and yell.

I am going to find christmas really hard as we will be with Dp's family for christmas day and his youngest sister in the time we have been ttc has had two little girls who will be 3yrs old and 7 months at christmas time and his younger brothers gf will be about a month away from having their baby boy (first boy grandchild in 14 years) so i think will definately need to hide out with the drinkies that day (unless our iui next month is successful)

[snugglybean]

So, yesterday after re-reading this thread, I was feeling so super-tough. I had a meeting with someone in a professional capacity, who doesn't know me from a bar of soap (I am very far removed from your average bar of soap) and I copped my first "So, why don't you have kids yet?"
LUCKILY my admin assistant was there, and jumped in with, I dunno, something, otehrwise I think I would've let fly!
"Well, it's not as easy for all of us as getting wasted drunk and flopping it out of our pants on the nearest willing recipient..."

Sorry to hijack, but howzabout a thread "Things you'd love to say to people (but can't)"
Might save a few people from my "talk first think later" syndrome...

[CeCe]

Oh, Snugglebean. What a rude person that was to ask that of someone they didn't really know. Did you take your admin assistant out and buy them a coffee for saving you?

My trouble is, I usually think of the good combacks much later in the day after a lot of stewing.

[Possums]

oh, i totally agree. I think of great lines later...or else people dont actually quite give me an opening to say a line I have imagined!
I have had the question too... "so, when are you going to have kids then hey?" or the "you dont want to wait too long you know".... I actually replied once, with "actually I am going through IVF and have had miscarriages, so I hope I will have kids soon"...and the person went "oh sorry to hear that" and then walked away! I felt glad to have answered honestly though.

well, maybe I will start a new thread, with the things you'd love to say to people...

[trubabe]

I have a cousin that is about 9 or 10 weeks preg with her second and all i keep seeing her post as status's on faccebook is im over being pregnant or can someone make my morning sickness stop.sometimes i just feel like posting something like be grateful that you are pregnant and that you didnt have trouble falling preg (their first born just turned 1 in august).sure everyone feels lousy when they have morning sickness but at least most peoples passes.when i was preg with my 10yr old daughter i had m/s the whole way through and even being hospitalized the only time i complained was a week before being induced and that was to tell my mum i hoped i wouldnt go overdue coz my stomach couldnt possibly stretch anymore