Explaining it to your children

[summerluven]

Hi everyone.

Just been pondering this one on and off for a while, so thought I would ask for your thoughts.

What are you going to tell your kiddies about their conception, if anything at all?

Assisted conception kinda puts a bit of a p.s on the old 'birds and bees' story.

I know that an answer to 'where did I come from' might have been 'when mummy's and daddy's love each other' yarda yarda yarda, and I think that still stands in our situations...it takes a great love for each other, a great love for your unborn children and your dream of a family, to make you do the kinds of things that so many of us have had to in order to have our babies.

But how technical do you intend on going, and does anyone else worry about how it might be accepted by our kiddies?

Gosh, considering DS is only 10 months old, its a bit early to think about this isn't it

[{sarah}]

I'm happy for my little girl to know how she got here when she's a bit older. I suspect though it will be Zander that questions it all first - he was at 90% of my appointments, ultrasounds etc etc. As far as he's concerned with the "birds & bees" at the moment, mummy has to have needles & go to the Dr to get a baby in her tummy LOL! I think for him that will be more normal (as we're planning more babies after this one) and regular conception will be a bit of a surprise to him

[sushee]

We've not hid it from Charlie, we've always referred to him as our IVF miracle baby, and when he starts to wonder what that means, I'll try my best to explain that it means mummy and daddy needed doctors to help us have him. When he's old enough to absorb the ins and outs of it all (after sex ed!) I'll explain the technology to him in more detail.

It was the same with my older kids - they knew we were going to Drs and I have having injections and ops etc to try to get pg, but it was in my second cycle that I actually sat my two older kids down and drew out diagrams and stuff to show them exactly what was happening (which grossed them out btw!) DS2, I only explained how Charlie was conceived about a year ago, but honestly I suspect he knew the details in a fuzzy sort of way but didn't want to know all the gory specifics.

On a completely OT note, my DS1 had a discussion in Social Science last year about genetics and someone said IVF babies were 'fake' and shouldn't exist because nature didn't want them to exist. DS1 (my budding IVF advocate) told the kid that like all other medical conditions, infertility is a medical condition and why shouldn't it be treated like any other medical condition? He also made clear his baby brother was an IVF baby and if anyone wanted to make derogatory comments about IVF, they could sort it out with him directly (my budding gangster!) LOLOL!

[Muppity]

LOL Sush - I have visions of him our rolling up his sleeves saying "now what was that you were saying about my little brother"

I think that if you want to tell them then start with the basic understanding early and then more indepth later on. I am sure that I read somewhere recently that there is a kid in every classroom these days that was born using some form of fertility treatment.

I know that my future kiddies won't know because DH is adament that they wont.

For the record I don't know how I was conceived. I can guess but I have no idea of the ins and outs so to speak! LOL.

[summerluven]

Haha...Sushee, that is just the cutest! I think you have a passionate soul on your hands. And a protective big brother!

The amount of people I know that have experienced AC on some level, I wouldn't be surprised if I went to my grave as an old lady in a time when there were more children born as a result of AC than by the birds and the bees!

[Willow]

I've often thought about this too, mainly because I've got one that was, one that wasn't.

I don't know what we'll do to be honest. I think I'll tell them the truth when they're old enough to understand it. I want them both to know how special they are in very different ways.

[Lady_Penelope]

Hi all - We are expecting our 3rd bub in about a month's time - thanks be to IVF. We have 2 other children (DD 9 and DS just turned 6). This is our one and only experience with IVF - I pushed to do it following a m/c and an ectopic pregnancy.

My DD 9 (and my son) were both present at all of my appointments, etc. My DD 9 knows all about our reasons for being there, ie, "The dr is helping mum to get a baby", etc. She also knows a little bit about the broader processes, eg, mummy took good drugs to get eggs - they then took the "daddy parts" required and mixed them together, etc, etc, - and one of these was put back into mummy and the baby "stuck" and has grown, etc. She took it really well.

Obviously, I have nooooo problems explaining such things to my kids (where age appropriate, of course). I don't think it is something to be ashamed of, and I think hiding it, makes it appear that way, iykwim? So I will definitely not be against hiding this from our 3rd child if it arises and where appropriate. IMHO there are many more conception scenarios than IVF that I would be concerned to share with my child (eg, one night stand). Not being judgmental - I know IVF is contentious for some - but goodness, it should show a child just how WANTED they were.

VERY IMPRESSED with your DS, Sushee! What an exceptional brother he must be! ;-)

Tracy

[jmmum]

My DD was IVF Donor Sperm. I have kept the Donor profile information and that will go into her baby book.I may be being a bit niave but I plan to make her conception story a part of her life as it has been from day one. She will have information as she grows and it will not be a sit down and tell her the truth situation as nothing will be hidden from her.
Most of the people involved in her life so far (she is 1 in a week and a half) are aware of her conception story.
I would think that it would be very hard for any child to be told out of the blue that thier conception story does not fit into the so called norm.
Just some of my thoughts.
jmmum

[summerluven]

Tracy...I totally agree! As I said before...there is no greater love than to try as hard as so many of us have.

I don't have any qualms talking about my ivf experiences with others. I actually quite enjoy telling people that DS is an ivf baby. Got no idea why. I guess because to me he is the most wonderful, amazing, special little person, and it might give others an insight into why I think his poo has sun sprinkles in it!!!

I have one dear friend, and god love her, she HATES talking about it. I respect that, each to their own, but I think that it kinda makes life a bit harder, and adds to all the mystery and subterfuge about it all. Lets talk loud and proud about our experiences and help others who might be going through the same thing and be too scared or shocked to speak up themselves.

Sorry, bit off the subject. My mind is wandering tonight.

[briggsy's girl]

our kidlets will pretty much know from when they're old enough to be told that they're AC bubbies. No point in hiding it. My bro's kids have seen me taking tablets and doing the puregon/trigger shots (on hols, and then needing trigger when i didn't have time to get home to do it!) - they asked if i was sick, and i told them know, but that i did have something wrong and we needed some help from the doctors to get me ready to have a baby. i didn't see the point in lying to them - they're still young, but old enough to know that you don't just do injections when you're "healthy" so i couldn't confuse them by saying "yep, i'm ok, but i just do needles for the sake of it!"

i guess i don't feel like it needs to be hidden at all - we moved into a house across the road from Australia's first ever IVF baby when i was 6 (she was almost 6) - and we became friends. we were told about C and that she was and IVF baby - and even though we didn't know exactly what IVF involved, we knew it was a way that doctors helped her mum get pregnant. our kidlets will know that they're special, and know how much we fought to bring them into our lives...

[tiggerlinda]

What a great thread.

We will explain to ours when the arrive and ready I suspect they will already know because I already talk to them

Sushee - GO your DS the little advocate

[sushee]

Aw guys I'll let DS1know you all appreciated his little rant. He'll be chuffed.

For me, talking about it, in front of my kids, in front of my family, in front of total strangers, is becoming important to me the more I feel the pull of IVF advocacy. I agree that the more it's spoken about, the more accepting society will be of it, and hopefully soon there won't be comments like "IVF babies shouldn't exist because it's not what nature intended" in our society anymore.

Both my DH and I talk about our experiences quite openly to others. My colleagues at work already all know that Charlie is an IVF baby, as does my DH's colleagues, and I've bent more than a few ears about the IVF ethics and equity issues that I feel strongly about whenever someone brings up the subject with me. I think IVF and IVF issues will always be a subject that is discussed passionately and frequently in our house, and I'm sure that Charlie won't have any doubts about where he came from, how we fought to have him, and how others are still fighting to have their own children.

[Lady_Penelope]

I find the comment "nature did not intend for these babies to be born" appalling. As I am sure you ALL DO. :-)

A question: Does nature intend for babies to be conceived out of rape, drug addiction, domestic violence, one night stands, or to manipulate/entrap another party in a rel/ship?

I am sure that it would be most POLITICALLY INCORRECT to be scathing of the babies of THESE scenarios.

Just some thoughts,

Tracy

[sushee]

I agree LP! Which is why I feel so passionately that society's perception about AC and IVF needs to change. Because it seems like it's still okay for society to have a free swipe at IVF, IVF babies and IVF parents (of all races, ages and sexual orientations) I think it's less so for clomid or other forms of induced ovulation that are oupled with timed intercourse or IUI, but many still think of IVF as 'test tube' technology and therefore 'unnatural' and therefore 'undesirable'.

But I digress!

[Kimnastics]

I am like many of the others that have posted here in that all family and friends know DS is an IVF baby so it is often discussed in front of him. When he starts to ask questions I will explain more specifics and what it all means but it won't be a case of sitting him down and telling him he is an IVF baby, as he will have already heard it in general conversation. Chances are that he will see me undergoing IVF also as I'm hoping for a couple more kiddies, so I'm sure that will trigger more questions.

Sushee - I am so impressed with your DS's outburst. It is difficult with peer pressure etc at his age to stand up and disagree with someone, so well done. It will definitely help remove the stigma of IVF if more ppl stand up and defend it.

Obviously the boy concerned was just repeating something his parents had said at home. However, if he has ever had medical treatment, he is being a hypocrite and this should be pointed out to him. I agree with LP that nature surely did not intend for wonderful parents to not be able to have longed-for children, while other babies are conceived through rape or born already addicted to drugs.

Hi

When I started IVF I also started a diary for my furture child, so when Kaitlan is old enough she will be able to read what we when though to have her as I don't think I could explain all the emotions to her, I also have a IVF box with everything I collected over the years as it was a big part of our lives.

And although Kaitlan was a natural conception I still class her as an IVF baby because if it was not for them and all their hard work she would not be here.

[kenziesmum]

Hi everyone, I posted here long ago but have been busy ever since. We fell preg after our first ICSI cycle. We have had the same discussion at home. My DH is a very private person, only those close to us know we went through it, mainly because we don't want anyone's sympathy. I don't know if we will tell her or not, it just doesn't seem to be as important as having our beautiful miracle.

I think if it came up, we would tell her, but it would be difficult as our first DD was conceived naturally.

Very good question.

[~Leasha~]

The best 'birds and bees' book for kids... includes DI and IVF