What if noone supports a VBAC attempt?

[miss_mokey]

Hi everyone

I have a question for all those that have had a VBAC or attempting one... Have your family been on board?

I have two children, both c/s babies, the second being a failed VBAC attempt. During the pregnancy my family were kind of supportive, but have since said that they would be unhappy if I tried for a VBAC a second time. My husband is fine with it, just wants me to do what I feel comfortable & will stand by me whichever way I choose to go.

If your family (and friends) were against it how did you get around it? Is it worth just not telling them & doing it without mentioning exact due dates etc? How can you get around it if they start asking when the c/s date is? Should I just stand up for myself & say this is what I am doing?

Confused

[LisaL]

Hi sweets,

I think you dont have to justify your decision to anyone, if its a VBAC you want, then no one should stand in your way. Your DH is supportive of your decision and he will be there to support you during the labour so dont worry too much about everyone else. Just tell them this is what you are doing and that your not really open to further discussion about it. Your baby, your body, your choice.

Best of of luck, hope you get that vbac xx

[Becs_bubs]

I don't think it's really any of anyone elses business, personally - it's a decision that should be made first and foremost by you, with hubby obviously and with the best outcome being that he supports your decision, whatever that may be. YOU'RE the one who has to carry the bub, YOU'RE the one who has to birth bub, one way or another, and YOU'RE the one who has to recover - it's your body, your choice. If the docs don't have issues with it, I say good on you and good luck

[skeetaboat]

Why are they so unhappy about a VBAC? It sounds as though they think it's their choice and not yours.

I agree with PP's - your body, your birth, your choice, and you don't have to justify it to anyone.

If you don't feel comfortable with telling them, you don't have to. I had a C/S and didn't want everyone lobbing into the hospital two seconds after bubs was born, so I just told everyone that we weren't sharing our c-section date, and that we would be announcing it just like a natural birth - as soon as we were ready after the fact. Maybe you could do this too? It'd give you the chance to have your birth in peace, and once it's happened they can hardly object. If you haven't already told them your due date, I'd give a false due date a week or two ahead of your actual due date in order to give you breathing time - otherwise they might be getting antsy and asking questions about when it's all happening and generally being annoying at about 38-39 weeks when you might still have a week or two (or three!) to go. Not everyone would be comfortable fibbing about due dates etc, but if it gives you the peace and quiet you need to prepare yourself for and concetrate on the birth you want, I say go for it. Whatever gets you through. If people aren't supportive, then they don't need (nor deserve) to know the exact ins and outs of your birth plan or due date.

Or you could tell them what you're doing and that they can keep their opinions to themselves. Whatever works for you hun

Goodluck.

[Fleur]

All of the above...

I can't understand why this is a problem for your family?
Are they going to be labouring? Are they going to lie on the operating table for you? Are they going to sit through the recovery period for you?

As skeetaboat said, it is your body, your birth your baby. If your husband is onboard that's the most important thing.

I would be telling them very firmly & once only - this is your decision, this is the choice you have made, and that if they don't have anything supportive to say, they can keep it to themselves.

If it makes it eaasier for you you could lie & give a CS date 2 weeks after your due date. FWIW I don't think you should have to be put in that position, they should be respecting your choices - but I can understand that sometimes it's easier to go that way rather than deal with all the BS

Whatever you choose to do I hope it is the right choice for YOU to make
Wishing you a H&H pregnancy

[Arimeh's Eden]

I'd give them a date 3 weeks after your due date and not mention how the baby is coming out.

Not their business.

I know my family (mum and sister) aren't that supportive, but I don't mention how the baby is going to be born to my sister, and I *try* to fob off my mother's comments about coming down to help take care of me after my next c-section

All that matters is that you have the faith within yourself to succeed.

[Betcha]

I think one of the first steps towards a successful VBAC is being confident in your decision. That not only means being confident enough to do it yourself but confident enough to stand up to those that don't support you in your decision. I wouldn't lie to them, and I would get it out in the open as soon as possible so you're not dealing with any pent up anxiety.. as we all know anxiety is not a good friend to a smooth labour.

Best wishes!

[miss_mokey]

Thank you everyone.

I'm not pregnant as yet, I'm just trying to look ahead. My biggest concern is having to fight with the hospital to get what I want while also fighting with my family to prove that I can do it. Last time they were fairly quiet, but since then I have found out that really they were not on my side. I don't think I'm strong enough to keep up the fight every day. Of course I would prefer not to lie to my family, but at the end of the day it may just have to come to that.

[Arcadia]

Hi Monday, I have found people have an opinion about just about everything to do with babies. I know what you mean about family giving you grief after the fact - my family were pretty quiet about the whole homebirth idea, but you should have heard them after DD was born. Man they were terrified! I can't imagine how it would have been if things hadn't gone to plan!

I know its hard, but I would just be upfront about the idea of VBA2C. The anxiety your family expresses is really their own problem, which actually shouldn't concern you. Try to remember that when they express worry, its out of love and is more a reflection of their issues, than a prescription for what you should do.

Ultimately, I think our families just want us to be happy - even if they express it in a round-about way.

GL

[~Leasha~]

I wont repeat everyone else, but just quickly say that obviosly its completely up to you.

For something to say to them, you could use Arimehs suggestion (a good one at that ) or you could tell them you are waiting for natural onset of labour as labour hormones are good for baby, gets them ready to be born, and makes the c/s less of a shock (so I have read?). Then when you get your fantastic VAB2C you can say, oh we just decided to go for it since I was in labour anyway

[skeetaboat]

Great suggestion Leasha!

Just another though to weigh in on the 'to tell or not tell' decision.. do whichever is going t o be most conducive to getting your successful VBAC. If telling them that this is what you're doing no matter what anyone says will empower you and strengthen your resolve, there's no reason not to tell them. But if you think their comments/reactions etc will stress you out and distract you from preparing for the birth you want, then it might be worth *not* telling them.

[~Leasha~]

In a way, Arimeh's is much better, because then people won't be saying "feeling anything yet?" "how bout now?" "now?"... if you just give them a date for a c/s 2-3 weeks after EDD, at least people won't be so hounding. Actually... that might be what I'll do when I go for my VBAC.

[LimeSlice]

I shouldn't laugh, but I really wonder why someone wouldn't be supportive of any VBAC attempt? Really, what are they against? How can you not be supportive of someone birthing the way they want to? I just don't get that!

I had a c/s with Charlotte and am of the view that any birth is going to be an attempt at a natural birth until there is a reason to protect the baby and have a c-section...All births are VBACs and I see no reason why anyone should expect any other type of birth just because you have had a previous c-section

Anyway, I wish you all the best with TTC and with your VBA2C Hopefully we will both be trying for our VBAC's at the same time!

[miss_mokey]

Skeetaboat I think you're onto something there. I need to decide which would be worse, fighting my case to my family after telling them I want a VBA2C or lying to them. At the moment I think I'd lean towards lying!

I don't think you should laugh either Lime Slice, it is a perfectly legitimate question. It's not about why they have a problem with it, I don't know why to be honest & I don't really care. It's about how I am going to deal with it.

[LimeSlice]

Sory Monday, I think you missed my point.

I wasn't laughing at you, nor suggsting that the question you posed was anything but valid.

I was laughing at THEM not "supporting a VBAC" - the notion to me is so ridiculous it is laughable.
And THAT is how I would handle it - I would laugh at them and say "it is just as well then I don't need your support to birth my child the way nature intended" and leave it at that.

Sorry that wasnt clear.

[julie_ann_jules]

Hi Monday,
i had a VBA2C ealier this year and i had to deal with my mother who was EXTREAMLY unsupportive. She wanted me to book in for a c-section. I told her that my OB only does C-sections if they are needed. Mum said I should be having one (c/s) as I had already had two. I said that it is safer for me and baby to have a natural birth. That my ob wouldn't put me or bubs at risk and that I might still have one but we were not "scheduling" one. I also told her it was better for my body and the baby if I went in to labour when the baby was ready. And that the Ob would be keeping a close eye on me and bubs to make sure all is ok.
When it all comes down to it, usually friends and family are just concerned for you and the bub's safety.
I also agree that it's really none of their business

Goodluck

[skeetaboat]

I would probably do the same if my family were unsupportive of and opinionated about my birth choice I'm sure you'll be able to figure out what's best (re: telling/not telling). If you do decide to fib about your due date they will probably never even know - you could just say you went into labour early and decided to give it a go!!

On the other-hand, as Julie-ann says, they are probably just concerned for your safety above all else, so maybe with some hard and fast facts they'd come around?? If you wanted to try to get them on board though, you might want to consider how you would feel if you did try to turn their opinion around and it didn't work.

You know them and yourself best, so I'm sure you'll be able to figure out the best way to handle it.

[miss_mokey]

My apologies Lime Slice, I misread your post. What you say is true, it is laughable, what does anything I do have to do with anyone else?

It's just so hard, I'm often left wondering if I really do want to try this myself. I don't know if that's me or my family's influence swaying me.