Best Friends Wedding - whinge #2

[*star*]

OK, another whinge about my best friend's wedding.

She is having a wishing well. And has put one of those tacky poems in the invite requesting money instead of gifts.

It really goes against the grain with me (although I'm sure some people disagree). We're all quite aware that she has a house set up with most of what she needs. That's why the gifts we'd give to her would be different to someone just starting out and setting up a house.

I'm one of those people who loves to shop for a gift and find something just right for the person. I love having put the thought into it and that by that object, their wedding day will be remembered. There are lots of gifts I have that make me think of a certain person every time I use them and they are treasured because of that. In the same way I'd like to be remembered in my friend's married life (or is that selfish?).

The thought of just giving them money seems so boring and thoughtless. Especially being that I'm a bridesmaid, having talked with the other bridesmaids, we would have liked to have gone in together to buy something really nice. Would it be rude to ignore the couple's wishes and get a present anyway?

The other thing I don't like about wishing wells is:
1) if I put in an amount with a card, they know how much I put in, and I don't want to be judged on how much I spent
2) if I put it in anonymously they won't know whether I have given anything at all...

I really don't get it - LOL!! I much prefer a present that they can enjoy as an object, without knowing how much I spent on it, but valuing it nonetheless.

[Astrolady]

If is was someone really close to be I'd buy a present anyway. Maybe you could do best of both worlds?? Go in with brides maids, buy a present and give it to the bride on the day of the wedding, and then put x amount of money into the wishing well

ETA maybe you and bridesmaids could give her the present you got to her when you are all together. Assuming you are all getting ready together on the day.

[CrystalBoo]

I think you have every right to give what you decide is appropriate. I know the logic behind the wishing wells, but I personally think it's bad form to ask for any type of specific gift like you are just expecting it, on any occasion. That's my two cents

[ausgirl]

I'm kinda with you on the wishing well thing - firstly it is plainly obviously how much you've given, where as a gift doesn't necessarily indicate it's worth. You can easily look stingy with a wishing well.

Oh the other hand, I understand why couples like them, personally being in my 30's and not yet married, I will assume that by the time I marry, there will be few things left to buy for a couple of this age group.

[Stevie-anne]

i agree, but i can see both sides,
out of curiousity do they have wedding registers?
i say get her a gift, and being as she is a close/best friend she would know u wont just get her soemthing she a. already has or b. is a pointless waste of a gift KWIM.

[**Sunshine**]

We had a wishing well if people wanted to give us money. Other people gave us gifts. Either way we were happy with - whatever they felt comfortable in doing.
I'm not the type of person to judge people on how much money they gave or anything.
I was annoyed that there were people that came to the wedding that didn't get a card or anything. To me, even a card would have been nice to acknowledge they were they and were happy for us and happy to be celebrating with us.

[Camme~Lot]

We had a wishing well at ours because I'd been previously married and still had all the presents from the first time around. And we really really didn't need anything. We got our cards separately in a pile, and people just dumped money in - so we didn't know how much they gave (nor did we care). The only people we know how much they gave was the IL's because they paid for the venue for us.

We still got some presents, which we never used (mostly photo frames) and I ended up giving them away to charity when we moved down to tassie.

[Astrolady]

I hate not giving a card. One year Andrew didn't give me a card for my birthday. He gave me a present but not a card. I did my block at him. He has never forgotten since. To me receiving a card means the most.

[feeb]

It does make it hard but I can see why they do it but you can feel guilty at how much you give.

For our wedding we had a myer registry and a flight centre registry so people had a choice of what they did, (some still bought gifts from other places which was fine, others gave us nothing not even a card)

I must say a card is a special thing and I love giving and recieving cards! DH still needs to learn about cards every birthday and valantines day I tell him I want a card!! This year he made me a card night before birthday as I was sooking LOL

[Erin_25]

I must admitt I get more annoyed with the registry, as the couple still choose the presents & depending on their taste they are not cheap either! And then when you wrap & give with a card they still know who bought what....so no different really.
We had a wishing well, we still got presents...it didn't bother me. That's what the "tacky" poem is for I guess. To let people know what you would "prefer" but that either way you are happy with whatever. Lucky for us the gifts we got were useful also.
But as I bridesmaid I don't see anything wrong with wanting to give a more personal gift & I don't think they would either. From memory myself & other bridesmaids for my sisters wedding all put money into something we "knew" she wanted/needed.
I guess that's why many choose the wishing well these days, then they can get that one big thing that really need & it's often more appreciated than a million smaller things they will never use. At the end of the day they have prob put a lot of time, effort & $$$ themselves into their special day, fed & watered the guests....it doesn't hurt to kindly ask for something that's going to be of more use when you know "x" amount of people will be coming & that it will more beneficial to you.
Also I couldn't to this day tell you who gave me what $$$, I didn't take any notice. My MIL wanted us to write in the cards the amount when we opened them & I said NO, I don't need to remember.

[Lady Zaidie]

I have had a few weddings like this. Aside from one, who said "we are looking to move house so any help towards a deposit would be appreciated" I have always done gifts.

Like you, I dislike looking stingy because I don't - I can't - give a lot. Then I want my gift to be more than paying a bill or a meal out or a drink. I want to be remembered years later. I had a gift list and a lot of things on there were under a fiver because some people don't want to spend much. I also received gifts that weren't on the list. And the ONLY price I recall was the people who bought us the dinner service and I only recall that because it was so expensive. I was chuffed when people told me they'd bought the gift at half price! Well done them! Big present, little money. Always good. Mum does still ask me who bought me what (as I was the first to marry so she wants to do similar) and I hate having to remember if it was a ?100 or ?150 cheque towards a house deposit, or if it were a vase or glasses or appliances and how much it cost... yes, I can think and recall a gift (99% of the time) but the price is a bit more hard.

I tend to give vases. Everyone needs a vase. Or photo album. One girl I gave a vase and photo album to had requested money towards her honeymoon... but spent all that money buying other people gifts/souveneirs! I did blurt out "glad I got you a gift then!" when she told a group of us.

[Astrolady]

We got just over $800 in cash when we got married. All the cash was going towards our honeymoon in Canberra. 10 mins before I rang the hotel to book the deposit, Andrew rang me to say the head on our car (the one we were taking to Canberra) blew. We never had any spare cash to pay for the head, so there went our wedding money, and we never did make it to Canberra.

[Eluned]

Yeah, wishing wells are touch and go. People either love 'em or hate 'em. I don't mind if I go to wedding and they have one as I expect that it's fairly normal these days.

I didn't want one at our wedding, although we did have a Myer gift registry, mostly because DH's family were strongly insisting we do so they know what to buy us. In the end his parents gave us money! We ended up with $2000 cash and $500 in gift cards, plus about most of what we put on the registry. Alot of it I put things under $50 so it would be affordable for people, but all the cheap stuff was left and everyone bought the expensive stuff!

I have set the money aside so when we do spend it, I will remember that it was so-and-so who gave us money towards that item.

If you want to buy a present, then do it. There's no rules and I'm sure your friend will love it even more than the dollar signs.

[CrazyLady]

Originally Posted by *star*

She is having a wishing well. And has put one of those tacky poems in the invite requesting money instead of gifts.

Utterly agree they are a tacky idea in general and generally have a cheesy cutesy poem to go with the invite. two friends that got married had a flight centre honeymoon fund registry instead and i thought that was a classy way to do it!

[*Joanna*]

I personally dont like wishing wells, but that's just me. I prefer to buy a gift, showing them that I thought about them and went "all out" in a way, to get them something nice. I can afford to give them cash, but I tend to spend more on an actual gift than if I gave them cash.
So whenever I've been invited to a wedding with a wishing well, I still get them a gift. I included a card with my name and all, nothing anonymous. They were still just as happy and thankful for the gift as they were for anyone else who gave them cash.

Do whatever you feel like, cause either way they will love it.

[Rivlas]

We have just been to a wedding where they set up a list of what they wanted. One was a plasma TV so they asked for money towards that. They also had a few gifts and a couple of expensive gifts where you could give X amount. We bought a gift.
We have another wedding early next year and they have asked for money to buy a dining set and have said they will remember the guests this way. As they are from another state and are flying in this makes sense rather than pay excessive baggage.
Normally I prefer to buy a present even if its a voucher, eg, Bunnings

[briggsy's girl]

i think a lot of it depends on HOW you go about it - DH and i moved in together before we married - both of us had houses full of furniture and needed for nothing, so we set up a wishing well idea. we didn't ask for cash though - we asked for bunnings vouchers towards fencing materials and painting out our house. the painting was completely paid for, and over half the fence. so we see what people helped us with every day.

we did get some gifts, none of which we've used yet (though it's more that they have been packed safely away while we paint!) and some cash - the cash went towards paying for our digital camera.

the year before we married, we went to a wedding that asked for cash towards a new fence. they ended up using that money to pay her son's bills cos he was short of money. they've now been married 4 almost 5 years - and the fence has only been started in the last few months.... i don't necessarily agree with cash (i gave a gift that i knew they needed - was one of the bridesmaids and knew what they had) - because it can be used on anything - but vouchers towards a specfic target are ok....

i won't put towards a honeymoon though - it's a holiday and, while they will have the memories, like mentioned, it can be blown on crap for other people...

[Gracious_Goddess]

Originally Posted by *star*

She is having a wishing well. And has put one of those tacky poems in the invite requesting money instead of gifts.

I had a wishing well with a "tacky" poem

I did however put that it was optional and was happy to receive gifts, or even just the pleasure of their company on our special day. We ended up with around 6 gifts and over $2500 in cash.