Number Three

[the little red engine]

Hello All
I have just spent some time reading your stories and your words of support and I think you are all amazing. I am somewhat tentative about posting, but I have now had three miscarriages and everytime I have found myself trolling the forums and reading others stories for hope, so I think it's about time I contribute.

Firstly I am blessed with an amazing 3 year old boy who I had not trouble concieving, carrying and birthing - thankfully he is perfectly healthy.

I always said I would wait 3 years between babies, because I wanted time to enjoy my first, without trying to deal with a new one (I didn't cope very well with a newborn the first time). I fell pregnant the second time last year, but started spotting around ten weeks, went for an ultrasound and there was no hearbeat and the baby only measuring 6 weeks. It was July 08 and my husbands 40th so I just got in with it still held a huge party for him and didn't really feel that I was grieving.

I got pregnant soon after and I thought everything was great! I went to my 12 week scan excitied because this was the day I could tell everyone I was pregnant. Unfortunatly there was no heart beat and the baby only measured 9 weeks. I was devastated, I really felt this loss more than the first! I had a D&C a week later and had the baby tested, it came back with downs syndrome! My OB was reassuring me that this meant I wasn't at high risk of mc again.

I took a break over Christmas from TCC but after two months of trying to get pregnant I was really starting to panic (all other pregnancies were in the first two months). My doctor even gave me a referral to a Fertility Clinic to start tracking, but sure enough before my appt, I was pregnant again. I was nervous and didn't tell anyone (even my husband), My OB had given me blood test requests back in December. So I have the 2 tests three days apart from each other, wait over the weekend for the results and finally decide to tell my husband I was pregnant again on the Monday night. Within an hour of telling him, my OB rang to say my HGC levels were falling and the pregnancy was not viable!!!!!

I haven't told many peopleI have mc this time, I don't have the words in me. I'm supposed to be going to dinner with my mothers group next week and I'm dreading it because they've all had there second and one is even onto their third. I'm finding it really difficult to be around people who have two children.

I can't even tell my mum and sister because I was upset with my mum last mc when she told her friends and one of them brought it up to me in a social situation. Also my last mc my sister told me lies that she had done all these caring things like visit the hospital and ring by OB the day I was in for the D & C, but she hadn't done these things at all. I was devastated that she made up stories about my own hurt.

Because I already had the Fertility Clinic referral, I went to see someone on the day I started bleeding. Of course he couldn't do anything while I was mc, and I have to wait two months to take the tests and see him again. Thankfully he said I can still TCC in the mean time and if I get PG I have to ring straight away for PG support. (Progestrone?)

I am also trying not to be mad at my DH because the Fertility OB suggested he take "Menevit" because it can help with DNA damage in the sperm! I had bought and asked my DH to take "Menevit" a year ago when we started trying, he was too lazy, what if it was that and I could already have had a beautiful baby?
I'm sorry this is so long, it kinda feels good to get it all out. It's hard trying to deal with all these emotions on your own.
Thanks for reading!

[AliBaby]

Oh hun sounds like you have been dealt the rough end of the stick too many times.

i cant really offer any advice but I really hope this site will help you on yor TTC journey and also with the grieving of your little angels babies.

Lots of to you

[jackrose]

I feel so sad reading your story and can't even begin to imagine how hard all of this has been for you.

I am so glad that you chose to share your story though. It really does mean something to me.

I will keep you in my thoughts and keep my fingers crossed for you.

[blessedatlast]

I am sorry for the loss of your babies... No words just lots of You always have support here..

[beckoes]

just wanted to send you lots of hugs, it must have been hard to share your story but glad you did!!

[jara11785]

I am so sorry to hear your story. I am still recovering from one miscarriage. I could not imagine the emotional toll this has taken on you!! I will keep you in my prayers! I know it is hard dealing with your family on some of these things. I am sending love and hugs your way!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[the little red engine]

thankyou so much for your kind words, it's so good to have people respond appropriately.

[TinaR]

Hi,

I was so saddened to read your story...I have been in a similar situation, I lost my fourth baby yesterday. No words can describe what you feel, even when someone has been in your situation - it's not you and the way you feel.
If you need space from the mothers group - take it, there is nothing abnormal about your reactions. apparently my cousin is due almost to the day i would have been, I can't go on facebook and see her 20 posts a day about being preg.
It's easy to want to blame someone or something and while I completely understand your feelings towards DH please talk to him about it and don't let these feelings grow, this is a time when you really need each other. TMI alert: With my last two MC I felt that sex was a possible danger, with this latest one my DB said 'we haven't had sex in 3wks'. I wish I had of told him why I didn't want to as he then wouldn't have commented and I wouldn't feel like I should. I have doubts like you..could doing something/not doing something have made the difference?
Unfortunately what your sister did is not that uncommon - although it certainly sounds extreme. If you don't want to tell your family - don't. This is your life, your body and your grieving process, there is no wrong or right way to grieve.
If you are having tests done on your bub this time check with your hospital, some of them do memorial services for babies lost before 20weeks. I plan on going to one, they have a non-denominational service and the babies ashes are laid to rest in a special garden where mums and dads can come back and see them.

I have my fingers crossed for you that when you do have a new little bub in your belly everything goes perfectly. I am so happy for you that you do have a wonderful little man...I am sure you treasure him all the more.

I'm sorry if this rambles and isn't much help, I guess I'm still trying to get into the right headspace myself.

Again, good luck with a new bub

[josijo]

I'm so sorry you have had to suffer through this. I'm in a similar situation to you and know how awful it can be.

I have a 15 month DD who was conceived soon after my first m/c in 07.

I think I had two chemical pregs in Dec 08 and Feb 09 and I had a d&c two weeks ago after a missed m/c.

In a way I have found dealing with this m/c to be worse than the first one. I know DH and I can produce an awesome baby, so it's really driving me bonkers that the pregnancies aren't sticking.

I have an obs appointment next month (on my birthday of all days!) to find out the results of blood tests and chromosomal testing. With both my miscarriages the baby stopped developing at the same time which is making me think that it may be chromosomal??? Suppose we will find out in a couple of weeks.

Like you I don't want to be around people who have two kids. I went to a kids clothing warehouse sale last week and was shooting daggers at people who had more than one child! Just like I used to shoot daggers at pregnant women when I couldn't get pregnant initially!

With my mothers group I have taken some time out, but DD and I have also been sick, with the flu (yeah, just what we needed now!!!). In mother's group nobody is on to number two yet but the conversation always swings that way about when to try for number two. Not a conversation I even want to listen to at the moment! If you need time out from mother's group, definitely take it, you can always make up some excuse about your DS being sick, that's what kids are there for aren't they???

I hope that your next pregnancy is a sticky one.

[the little red engine]

Thank you Tina and JosieJo, for you kind words and thoughts. It means so much to me that you have taken the time to comment and share your own stories!
I am so sorry for both your losses.

I ended up going to mothers group and I'm glad I did. Sure there were some awkward moments for me when they were speaking about how hard it is with number two and going for their third, but I really value these girls, so it was okay all in all.

[Jahzara]

I just wanted to give you a big and thank you for sharing your story.
I am so sorry that you are going through this.

I want to wish you all the best in you TTC journey and send you lots of positive vibes.

Take care

xxxoooo

[beata70]

I am so sorry for all of your losses hun , it is just awful. Life just really sucks sometimes and it's just not fair. I pray that one day you are able to have that beautiful earth baby you dream of. All the best to you hun.
Beata xxx

[Gigi]

oh little red engine, i hope you get your BFP and a healthy pregnancy.

i haven't been thru miscarriages, so can't say i know what you go thru, cos i don't.

but it did take me five years to conceive, which i found hard to deal with, and we ended up with delivery complications that meant tiny bilby arrived not breathing. Life deals out some tough things.

it is incredibly valid for you to grieve for those three lost babies, what a pity your family doesn't seem to be at all understanding.

i really hope you get your BFP hon. wishing you ALL this best with that.

[sryan]

Dear little red engine.

I truly hope you get your healthy BFP and pregnancy soon.

I also had 3 miscarriages in a row and it is definately a tough gig. Even though I had so many tests, they couldnt tell me what was wrong.

Eventually I went on low dose asprin, metformin and achieved my little miracle girl.

I wish you all the best.

xxx Sue xxx

[the little red engine]

Thanks all for you kind thoughts and Sue thanks for giving me some hope.