When a couple become ‘mum and dad’, life as they know it changes forever. Parenthood begins, as do the many lessons, joys, frustrations, feelings and emotions. Some of these more difficult feelings and emotions can be hard for a new mother to express and find words to share that allow for understanding – usually because she feels silly, thinking its something she should just cope with (especially when no-one else talks about it) or because all she really knows is that she doesn’t feel good about something. She can’t quite put her finger on why she feels that way – especially when she never imagined motherhood would bring up such complicated and conflicting emotions.
I urge every father to really think about this article, because as a new mother myself (for the third time, but in a second relationship), lots of these things surface, and Elly has written this article so much better than most of us sleep deprived, exhausted mummies could ever so eloquently put it!
Your understanding and support of these 5 things can make a massive difference to how a new mother copes with her feelings, how ‘emotional’ she may seem, how misunderstood she may feel and more. Understanding these things can really work wonders for keeping your relationship safe, connected and reinforced. As you may know, its the connection in a relationship that is most important for most women. As you may have heard, a woman needs connection in order to feel loved/want sex with her mate. But for the men, it’s the other way around! Its sex that provides that connection. So by keeping the connection alive and well, your intimate life will thank you for it… maybe not right away, but it’ll remember – us women remember everything, right?!
Dads, don’t forget – your needs are important too. There are things you’re feeling and experiencing now that you may be struggling to find words for, to say, to share, or to even make sense of yourself. There are things you want your partner to know but don’t how to say tell them as well.
So the keys here are communication and connection. Keep listening. Keep talking and sharing. Keep stepping in – don’t step away. Don’t make assumptions. Let go of expectations. The reality is there are is no ‘normal’ and every mum and dad / partner just like you is finding their way through this in their own way.
Knowing this stuff really helps! After reading it, take some time to consider what you want your partner to know and how you can work towards sharing that with them to help them better understand and be with you in your experience – she’ll thank you for it and it will bring you closer.
FIVE THINGS MOTHERS WANT DADS TO KNOW BUT DON’T KNOW HOW TO TELL HIM
Written by Elly Taylor – relationship counsellor, mum of three and author of Becoming Us. First published on the Becoming Dad blog.
1. Our New Mother Self-Esteem Can Be A Fragile Thing, Our Confidence Just A Veneer
This is partly because we have been bombarded with perfect (and so now we’re realising unrealistic) images of motherhood on the screen and in the pages of magazines. This makes our expectations of ourselves, and maybe your expectations of us, impossible to live up to. Motherhood feels like a big gig for many of us and it is a case of ‘fake it till you make it’. But then there is no yardstick for ‘successful parenting’, no measure of performance like salary raises or work bonuses. Nobody gives a bottle of champagne for superior nappy changing. Where we may have looked to bosses, co-workers or friends to feel good about ourselves before the baby came, now, it’s pretty much only you. We want your acknowledgement, appreciation and encouragement. You also might have to let us know that you want the same from us.
2. We’re Learning Too
Some of us bought into the myth that motherhood would be instinctive, and some things may be, but other things are also a steep learning curve ” and that can cause us some performance anxiety. Some things we thought would come naturally are taking longer than expected. And sometimes the responsibilities of looking after our little person can be stressful. That’s why we’re snappy some times. Please be patient with us and ask us to be patient with you, join in with our learning and share the responsibility so it’s not just on our shoulders. Ask us how we’re going and prompt us to ask you ” the baby absorbs our energy like a sponge and we forget sometimes. Please be curious, wonder what it’s like for us, just listen if you don’t know what to say. This is not a problem to be solved; it’s a journey for us to share. Let’s take the pressure off, experiment, make mistakes, forgive each other and laugh over it together.
3. Our Lack Of Interest In Sex Isn’t Personal. Really.
We’ve been covered in sticky body fluids all day, we’re ‘touched out’ from an overdose of skin contact and being clutched, pulled and scratched (those little fingernails can hurt!) and after a long day of feeling like we’re giving out, giving out, giving out, sex can feel like more giving out and an unreasonable demand on an exhausted body. What we really, really, need is some “getting” to get some sense of balance back. We need no-strings-attached affection, we need your arms around us so we can relax into your strength, a bath run or some vacuuming done. We need to know you care and love us and still think we’re beautiful even if we’ve got baby spit caked in our hair. Keep gifting us this and we will feel like giving back and eventually when we’re not giving out so much we will remember that sex means getting too. Resentment is a contraceptive, but gratefulness is a great aphrodisiac. (See also BellyBelly’s articles: Why Doesn’t She Want Sex With Me After Having The Baby? and Libido and Breastfeeding – there is a biologically normal reason that her sex drive may have run for the hills).
4. We Are Worried About Being Judged
By you, by our mother, by your mother, by other mothers, and yet ” we judge ourselves. Somewhere along the line we have bought into two big untruths: first that we will love every single moment of being a mother ” and secondly, that if we don’t, it means we don’t love our baby. But there are times when we feel bored or lonely or frustrated or overwhelmed or disappointed, and then some of us feel guilty about it. Other mothers don’t admit it, although we’re starting to suspect that most of them feel like this too and it would be great if we could all just relax and talk about it. We might make some new friends that way. All this means we sometimes hold a lot of stuff inside, it sits there bubbling and churning like lava in a volcano ” and because you’re the one around most, you get it when we burst.
5. We Expected That Life Would Get Back To Normal – But It’s Starting To Dawn On Us That It Never Will
We expected to feel more in control, but we’re working out it’s the baby that’s going to be calling the shots for a while. Some days we feel a bit caged. On these days we can feel envious that your life hasn’t changed as much ours. We know this isn’t your fault, but we don’t know what to do about it. On those days we might be snappy as soon as you walk through the door looking fabulous in your still-clean suit. Please understand that this is not personal, although it must feel like it is. It’s just such a big adjustment for us ” life after baby can be very different to life before ” and every day and for the next 18 years has now become real. We also need to have regular ‘time out’ too so we feel like ourselves again. We need and appreciate your support so we can do this.
These things can be hard to put into words and they take some getting used to. Nobody told us this was part of the full experience of parenthood so we weren’t prepared that we would grow in different ways along with the baby ” with all the joys, the challenges, the growth, the adjustments and the changes, big and small, that they bring. But we want to share it ” all of it ” with you. We want you to walk alongside us, hold our hand, and put your arm around us, as we create the new ” and maybe even better ” normal for our family.
Purchase a copy of Elly Taylor’s essential book for pregnant couples and brand new parents: Becoming Us from Amazon.