10 Reasons Why She Doesn’t Want Sex After Having A Baby

10 Reasons Why She Doesn't Want Sex After Having A Baby

Grab a cuppa dads, this is going to be a long article.

This topic is a big concern in the postnatal period for both women and men.

How you handle the issue of sex after childbirth can either do irreparable damage to your relationship, or it can make it stronger than ever been before.

The choice is up to you.

All it takes is your willingness to understand what is really going on for your partner, then demonstrating that understanding by converting it into words and actions.

Knowing is knowing; doing is understanding.

So on that note willing men, let’s go!

Firstly: Know That It’s Highly Likely Not About You, Dad…

It’s no secret… after having a baby, the frequency at which couples have sex usually takes a dive. The reasons for this are many and varied. Every woman — as well as her birth and parenting experience — is unique. As are the reasons for her non-existent libido after she’s had a baby.

Several of the below reasons may apply to your partner, but rest assured, it’s highly likely nothing at all to do with her losing love or attraction towards you.

Nor will it last forever.

You don’t need to go nuts at the gym and get buffed, wear your best aftershave, or buy a spiffy new wardrobe at an attempt to get more sex.

These things are expensive, time consuming (especially when she likely needs your time most of all) and it probably won’t make one iota of difference in her libido.

This is because it’s not what is causing her sex drive to bottom out in the first place.

Dad, I really feel for you! Your partner probably does too.

Despite what you may think at times, new mothers aren’t trying to make their partners feel miserable by not giving them the sex that they (and most likely, we) miss.

It’s really important not to get angry at her or blame her, because it’s not her fault that she feels this way.

Remember this great quote from Elly Taylor, author of the awesome book, Becoming Us: “Resentment is a contraceptive, but gratefulness is a great aphrodisiac.”

After reading this article, talk with your partner and find out if any of these issues are affecting her.

Then together, you can work out a solution for you both.

Communication is crucial.

Assumptions and grudges can be huge resentment builders on both sides.

A Disclaimer…

She’s had a baby recently. The first 12 months can be especially hard, and even then, there are still challenges.

You’re going to get frustrated really quickly if you’re looking for a quick fix, or if you think that just one attempt at these remedies will be sufficient.

You will need to do these things on a regular basis and be patient if you want things to improve.

It’s easy to get stuck in a trap of thinking that your life situation is horrible and is never going to end, but remember that everything in life is temporary.

Nothing is permanent.

If you keep focusing on how awful it is and believe its never going to end, it could cost you your relationship (and therefore money and many other things).

It’s important to understand that women and men are wired differently.

While women may have unique personalities, they are wired for similar needs – especially during pregnancy, birth and in the postnatal period.

Therefore, another relationship would likely present the very same problems.

Thinking that another woman would be any different and give you all the sex you want, all the time, is just folly.

Losing yourself in how ‘unfair’ it is for you can be more costly than you think, when on the other hand, understanding and mastering this situation can be very rewarding, even future proofing your relationship.

This postnatal period can be a very testing time – studies show it can be a time of conflict and break-ups.

There is no need for her low libido to become an issue worth losing your relationship over, nor your beautiful baby living in a broken home.

This is a time of great opportunity, for you to show your partner how much she means to you, by supporting, understanding and loving – and she will never forget it.

Yes, it takes two with relationship issues, but you’re here seeking help — so I’m talking to you, dad. 

After reading this article, you then need to go back to her and work out a way forward.

We do have an article for mothers who are struggling to reclaim their libido, too.

Why She May Not Want Sex #1: She’s Utterly Knackered

According to a poll in the BellyBelly forums, the most significant reason why mothers feel disinterested in sex is a lack of sleep.

Almost half of the women who responded said more sleep would make them feel like more sex.

Science backs them up too. A recent study published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine found that for each additional hour of sleep a woman has, it increased the likelihood of her having sex by 14%.

They also found women with longer average sleep duration reported better genital arousal than women with shorter average sleep length.

The women in the study weren’t sleep deprived new mothers, so you can only imagine how much more significant the results would have been if the women in the study were new mothers.

Either way, now we have proof that insufficient sleep can result in decreased sexual desire and arousal.

Being a new mother is physically and emotionally draining on so many levels.

She may have low iron from the birth, she’s likely waking a great deal during the night and if you have other children, she’s probably chasing them around all day too.

That’s not without trying to keep the house clean and meeting other obligations she may have — for example, working or studying from home.

People often suggest, ‘well just sleep when the baby sleeps!’ but going by that logic, should she clean when the baby cleans too? It just doesn’t work that way.

When a mother gets that small window of baby sleep freedom, she often ends up putting herself and her needs last, and the to-do list first.

A day with a baby can feel very unproductive, especially when there’s nothing to show for the hours of work that has been done.

“I’m so exhausted that I feel emotionally numb. I want to feel turned on, I want to feel sexual, but there is just nothingness — which is depressing. Without enough sleep, let alone me time, my cup is empty and I just can’t function. My basic needs as a woman and human being need to be met to be able to give more. Of course, I want to make my partner feel desired. But when you function on autopilot, you do what you can just to make it through the day… then fall in a heap at night.”

HOW YOU CAN HELP: Help her get more sleep in any way you can.

If she has no family or friends who can help out on a regular basis, you might like to hire a post-natal doula or get some other paid home help with your baby.

If you have a spare room, you may like to consider a live-in nanny (au pair). This is a great option — you simply negotiate a weekly allowance with the nanny, which is reduced due to accommodation, food and other expenses.

You can find experienced au pairs on many websites — often they are travellers taking working holidays. It works out cheaper than childcare, and it’s in your home, so mum doesn’t need to be away from baby.

If money is an issue, then you’re it dad. Depending on how old your baby is, you could take bub out for a walk for an hour, or out to visit your parents at home if they are closeby, or just occupy baby in between feeds, out of the earshot of mum.

On the weekends, offer to be the first one to jump out of bed with baby and do the first shift so mum can sleep in.

Or a great idea which most mothers would love is extra help with housework. I’ve heard so many mums say that the best foreplay for them is seeing their partner (happily!) doing the dishes!

Its always hard at first when babies are little, but it will get easier.

Parenting is a joint affair – when you’re home with mum, remember you’re a dad, not a babysitter. You both need to share taking care of the baby, because her day job is the baby, yours is work. When you’re together, be a team, and support her where you can so she has energy for other things you’d like to be doing… hint, hint.

Why She May Not Want Sex #2: She’s Already Had Someone All Over Her All Day

Don’t take it personally, dad, but after having a baby or toddler attached to her all day, the last thing she may want is someone on her all night!

Personal space can be huge factor for some mothers, who feel like their touch sensory bucket is overflowing. They may feel like everyone wants a piece of their body when they have none for themselves.

These women especially need more me time.

Some mothers describe it as feeling used, invaded and even violated.

Yes, these are strong words, but remember, once when humans lived in communities, raising children involved the whole village. Everyone shared and helped out with responsibilities, including raising the children.

study on the Efé pygmy people found that their babies were passed to an adult carer 8 times every hour. 

But in western society today, a mother is often home alone, left to hold her baby all day.

New mothers have 40 days ‘laying in’ in some cultures, where mama is nurtured, cooked for and taken care of, while she gets her strength back from the birth.

But for many mothers these days, she’s expected to get on with it as soon as the baby has popped out. We praise “super mums”, and put them on a pedestal.

It’s a huge problem going against what mothers need to thrive.

It’s no wonder rates of postnatal depression are so high.

Babies and young children love to be held and attached, which is normal, healthy behaviour – they feel safe and this builds their self esteem, confidence and independence when this happens.

However for mama, being clung to all day with no extra hands to take the load can result in sensory overload.

It’s like when ten people talk to you all at once and don’t stop. You just want to block your ears and shut it all out because it eventually becomes overwhelming.

No matter who the people are and how much you love them, your senses are overloaded.

One BellyBelly member says: “I’m very much in the over-touched boat, and my husband touches me in a horny way all day. It drives me batty and has the opposite effect that he wants. It puts me off.”

Another BellyBelly member says: “Between co-sleeping, breastfeeding, being a pillow, a cuddle bear, and everything else, I crave that time where no one touches me. After a week of the girls been more needy than normal I honestly feel like I have been violated. And then by the time my husband is making his moves on me, I cringe because its another invasion of my privacy.”

Some mothers actually do want to be touched, but its the type of touching that counts:

“I want touch, hugs etc, but I can do without the constant bum or boob grabbing, or the feeling that every hug must lead somewhere.”

Some women experience traumatic births and as a result, may not want to be touched.

If this is the case for your partner, it’s important that she seeks help to work through her birth trauma. Professional birth de-briefers do fabulous work as well as counsellors who specialise in this field.

HOW YOU CAN HELP: Find ways to take your baby off her hands whenever you can.

Play with baby or wear your baby (in a sling or carrier) while she has a break or cooks dinner or has a shower. Talk to her about scheduling regular dad and baby time each week.

Alternately getting some help from friends, family or paid help during the day can help. Reclaiming some of her personal space by having regular baby-free time will make a massive difference to her – and your relationship.

Some mothers may want to be close to their baby, some may want to get out the house, even just to do some shopping – talk about what she’d like most of all.

Why She May Not Want Sex #3: She’s Suffering From Depression

If your partner is suffering from depression, this can affect her mood, energy and sex drive. Unfortunately,

Unfortunately, postnatal depression does affect many women, so if your partner is suffering from depression or you suspect she may be, it might be time to get some professional help and advice.

Check out our article for men: Post Natal Depression and Your Partner.

Why She May Not Want Sex #4: She’s Afraid of Painful Sex

Unfortunately, some births don’t work out as we hoped.

Childbirth can leave women in physical pain or with damage to the most delicate, feminine parts of their bodies.

Many weeks or even months may pass, with her being fearful of stirring up any damage, let alone worrying about how it all looks after the birth.

These fears alone can be enough to shut up shop.

This can become a psychological issue, because when she finally decides to have sex for the first time, she may be so worked up that it does cause pain.

One new mother says: “The idea of us having sex after the birth of our first child absolutely terrified me. I was more nervous than I was for my first time. The actual act wasn’t too bad — it didn’t hurt, but for me it was the emotional side of sex that had me worried… and the fear that it would hurt.”

HOW YOU CAN HELP: If she’s had any damage or repair work after the birth, its a good idea to get the midwife or doctor’s advice on when to approach sex, just to be sure.

Other than that, you need to be patient while she recovers physically and emotionally. Let her know that you’re supporting her and will be ready when she’s ready.

If you are finding it difficult to cope with, keep the lines of communication open with her, and tell her that you’re having problems so you can work out a solution together.

Sex doesn’t always have to be penetrative or vaginal, so find ways to nurture and love each other without that part.

Touch and skin to skin contact is so important, so find a way to do that as best you can.

When you agree to resume sex, be sure to use plenty of lubricant (try this awesome organic lubricant) in case she is tender or nervous, and keep talking.

You may like to suggest seeing a sex therapist if the issue has become psychological.

Why She May Not Want Sex #5: She May Have Dyspareunia (Pain During Intercourse)

It may surprise you that its not just vaginal birth which can result in painful intercourse.

A study titled ‘A comparison of urinary and sexual outcomes in women experiencing vaginal and caesarean births’ (Klein MC, et al.) found:

“Overall, both primiparous [first baby] and multiparous [subsequent babies] women who had intact perineums after vaginal birth had less dyspareunia [pain during intercourse] than those undergoing caesarean section. Vaginal birth 26.2% compared to caesarean section 40.7%.”

A mother says: “I had a caesarean for my first and the pain from sex was unbearable for six months. The second birth was an instrumental vaginal birth with a nasty episiotomy on my unstretched perineum (ouch!) and sex was uncomfortable for about 4 months.”

HOW YOU CAN HELP: As per the above point, time and patience is key with this one.

Seek help from a therapist if its causing relationship issues.

But especially where pain is involved, pushing your partner for sex is only going to leave you feeling more rejected, when thats not what she wants for you to feel.

She needs your understanding and support.

Why She May Not Want Sex #6: She’s Breastfeeding

Mother nature is very clever.

After a baby is born, she makes sure everything is geared towards baby’s survival.

Hormones are working beautifully to make sure milk is feeding your baby – as well as preventing a pregnancy too soon.

However, these hormones are not pro-libido.

Yes, there is a biologically normal, justified reason why her libido is on vacation, and just for fun, this is why she may also be experiencing vaginal dryness.

Vaginal dryness can make sex uncomfortable and even painful. Find out more in our article about breastfeeding and libido.

Please do not ask your partner to give up breastfeeding for the sake of your sex life!

Her libido will return when her hormones build up to levels high enough to start ovulating and menstruating again, which is when it will likely be more like normal.

It’s so important for the breastfeeding relationship is supported and nurtured.

It’s laying the foundations for your baby’s health for the rest of his or her life, protecting baby from illness, infection and contains many wonderful ingredients for health.

See an impressive list of what’s in breastmilk.

WHAT YOU CAN DO: Firstly, if you do have sex, be sure to use lots of lubricant.

Dry sex, even if just a little bit lubricated, can be irritating or painful. Show concern for her by taking initiative and using it on her, telling her if she needs more to let you know.

Secondly, some mothers say that sex after a baby is a bit like going to the gym – when you get motivated enough to get there, you’ll be so glad you did.

I’m not saying you need to convince her, push her or force her – absolutely not on. But being kind and attentive, putting her first and doing little things for her that she likes, can go a long way here. If you can spark a little something then you may find she is receptive.

Remember, women take a great deal more time to warm up than a man, with or without a baby.

A woman needs around 20 minutes of warm-up time. So take your time, and focus on connection and giving her pleasure. Doing so will remind her how good it feels – just remember the golden rule: hearts before parts! Start with everywhere else apart from her vagina and nipples and work your way in.

Why She May Not Want Sex #7: Low Self Esteem

After a mother has had a baby, she may already be conscious that she’s put on weight, and on top of that, her shape has changed.

That beautiful round belly that everyone thought was adorable has transformed into what she may see as saggy, squishy, jelly belly.

A mother’s post-baby shape isn’t one that rates highly in society, nowhere near as much as it should.

Everywhere she turns, she may see images of something she is not and may find it hard to understand how she could look sexy or beautiful to you. When a mother is anxious or stressed about her appearance (which is extremely common in post-natal mothers), the last thing she tends to be able to do is feel like a sex kitten and ravish you (or be ravished) in the bedroom.

She may feel ashamed and worried about what you’re thinking of her body.

One BellyBelly member says: “I feel so unsexy after having a baby. I’m all stretched and saggy, I’m bigger, I’m tired so hair and makeup is minimal if done at all. PJs and trackies are the norm. It makes a huge difference when hubby makes me feel sexy. When he kisses me in “that way”, when he touches me as he passes. If I feel like he thinks I’m sexy I start to feel it myself.”

WHAT YOU CAN DO: Remind your partner how much you love her and how beautiful she is. Let her know (in a non-horny way) that you love and adore her.

When she feels your genuine loving comments, she will likely open up a great deal more. If you make comments like, ‘so when are you getting back to the gym’ or, ‘are you sure you should be eating that?’, she’s going to think her appearance is an issue for you.

It took months to put on the weight of pregnancy, she needs months to slowly get back into things.

Give her massages and other non-sexual acts where you are enjoying other parts of her body. Maybe tell her what you love about that part of her as you go along. Even if it’s not perfect, who cares, I am sure you can find many things that are beautiful about your partner. Show her that you’re looking beyond external appearances.

Other things can effect a mother’s self esteem include depression, isolation, loneliness – so if this may be the case for your partner, you might like to suggest some things to help her connect with others, get help and so on.

Why She May Not Want Sex #8: Are You A Car Thief?

You know, gone in 60 seconds?! Well, it might not be 60 seconds, but you get my drift.

Say she does feel like having sex, and you’ve been gagging at the opportunity.

Then when it happens, it’s all over in a flash, which can leave your partner feeling used and her own needs unimportant.

She may feel like it’s another demand on her body, giving to others without it being returned.

What incentive are you giving her to want more sex with you when it feels like an item on her to-do list, rather than an immensely pleasurable, orgasmic experience?

Some mothers say that combined with the low or no libido from breastfeeding, she couldn’t be bothered having sex.

When the pleasure is all yours, don’t expect her to be a repeat customer too soon.

After giving all day, she needs someone giving to her too.

Did you take time to kiss her and hold her? Stroke her hair? Did you touch all of her body, not just her hot spots that you want to enjoy – her boobs and vagina?

How about a massage first or something else she likes?

If she wants to have sex, connected sex and orgasm can be a great way to connect with her – just don’t make orgasm your sole focus, or she may feel pressure to perform.

A resource I recommend to my male friends (and their partners), is the work of Jason Julius.

Now I apologise because the landing page of his website here uses strong language, but what he teaches is effective and not pick-up artist style. It’s not pornographic in nature, nor does it contain any nudity. But it offers some very effective tips for giving women great orgasms, as well as a guided meditation to relax her.

If sex is more enjoyable for her and you know how to press all her buttons, she may want it more often. And of course, when she has an orgasm, she gets a shot of oxytocin – the hormone of love and bonding. Orgasms are beneficial for physical and mental health in both men and women.

A book Tony Robbins highly recommends is Slow Sex: The Art and Craft of Female Orgasm

HOW CAN YOU HELP: Focus on her more.

Make sex about her, not you. And trust when she’s gotten her mojo back, she will make it more about you too.

Yes, sex is a two way street, but you’re reading this article seeking help how to fix your situation, right?

I’ve also got advice for women too, but since you’re wanting to know how to help, here it is!

She just needs a little nudge in the right direction because her body isn’t priming her to want sex right now.

Why She May Not Want Sex #9: She’s On Contraceptives

Pharmaceutical contraceptives, especially the pill, are well known to reduce libido – and that’s without even having a baby or factoring in all the above other issues. No wonder she’s not interested!

One BellyBelly member says: “I had been on the pill my entire adult life until after having my first baby. Once my period came back and my libido came with it I lamented all those years of lost libido I had on the pill. I’d never take it again.”

HOW CAN YOU HELP: Trying to avoid another pregnancy too soon (or at all) is a really tricky issue to deal with.

If you’re done having children, have you thought about offering to have a vasectomy?

It saves your partner from having to take daily medication which involves health risks and has side effects, and a similar operation for her is more complicated.

Or if you plan on having children in the future, have you looked at natural fertility management?

Looking at another form of contraceptive is a great idea, low libido or not. Hormones that are not supposed to be in the body normally pose risks.

Here are 6 effective alternatives to the pill.

Why She May Not Want Sex #10: She Wants Your Presence

Women are wired for connection.

Most women need connection before they can have sex, whereas men need sex to feel connected.

So while a man may feel resentful that he isn’t getting the sex he craves to feel connected (or even loved), she may resent that he isn’t connecting with her and making her feel loved – which leads to an increased desire to have sex. Therefore, you have a stalemate, and because she is also tired and the above issues come into play, sex goes nowhere.

In the BellyBelly poll, one of the runner-up reasons for not having as much sex was because mothers wanted more affection or quality time with their partners.

New parents can easily become disconnected with so much more responsibility. But it’s important to seek help as you can to prevent any problems from occurring or getting worse.

Being a mother is a very giving, nurturing role taking care of another – just like a bank account, if you keep making withdrawals, you’ll end up bankrupt. Her needs for connection are important, so focus on ways to help her feel connected with you. A big way you can do this is face to face communication. Little things make a difference too – for example sending her loving texts during the day, making calls to see how she’s going, but whatever you do, make it a priority to include some undivided face time.

“At the end of the day, I am tired and touched out and he expects me to perform like a seal for him in the bedroom. A little affection and attention during the day would be nice.” — Anon Facebook fan

HOW YOU CAN HELP: You can help by giving her your undivided attention, without distractions – even just for 10 minutes after work or while the baby sleeps. Of course, aim for more than this if you can.

Turn theTV off and ask her how she’s going, how her day was, how she’s finding motherhood, what her concerns are, what she’s enjoying about being a mother – anything that shows that you’re interested in HER and her answers. My partner and I sometimes talk while giving each other a foot massage by sitting at opposite ends of the couch, which keeps us face to face too.

There isn’t much else as sexy as a man who can give his presence to his woman – it builds her trust and safety with you. So to accomplish this, it means shutting off the thoughts in your head, being open to listen, minimising or getting rid of distractions and focusing on her. When she feels your focused energy in this way, she feels safe to open up to you and loved. Heck, she may be more inclined to jump your bones according to our poll! If you’re interested, you might like to get involved in some mens groups – they teach things like the important of presence (being masculine) and mastering all areas of your life. There are some great groups around – I seriously recommend it if you want to bring your best self to your woman, family, job and life purpose for yourself.

I highly recommend Jared Osborne for men who want coaching or counselling to help get present and grounded, or if you’re not coping with a lack of sex. He gets it.

Why Pushing Her For Sex Wont Get You What You Want

One common complaint mothers have is their partners will do something that they really appreciate, for example, give them a massage, then push for sex.

Rather than an act of kindness, it becomes a trade, creating resentment.

Some women feel pressured by their partners, some daily, which not only builds resent, but also makes them back even further away.

Imagine you’re really stressed at work – your boss has been on your back all day and you’re completely exhausted, with a really big headache. You look forward to going home, having a shower then getting an early night. But you come home, your partner is bubbling over and wants to invite family over for dinner. You’re just not in the entertaining headspace right now, but she’s insistent that it wont be too much trouble, and she’ll do all the work so you can relax and not be burdened. But you sit there at the table, in an almost zombie-like state, just wanting everyone to go home so you can get some sleep.

With the wrong approach, you won’t get the outcome you hope for, and you’ll put pressure on your relationship, which can be quite damaging for some couples.

A book I highly recommend is The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, which has sold millions of copies around the world. Just like we speak different languages, we love in languages too. For example, a woman may grow up in a household where she saw her mother cook beautiful meals for her husband and keep a spotless home. Her mother channelled all her love into a language Chapman calls acts of service.

In other households, touch is important – another love language. So this may come into play with how she wants to be loved right now. Whatever language she and you have adopted, knowing (and then speaking) your partner’s language can unlock a big mystery.

A Mention For Diet And Exercise

You’ll feel so much better and have so much more energy if you’re eating nourishing, nutrient dense foods, and avoiding processed foods.

Sugars, grains and potatoes create blood sugar level spikes and will make both of you feel flat, tired and eventually, sick.

Especially if she’s a breastfeeding mama, make sure the fridge is stocked with plenty of healthy, nutritious foods, ideally quick and easy meals she can grab for a snack.

Pre-prepare bulk meals like chicken and vegetable soups, placing them in containers for quick reheating. Bone broth is very healing and nutritious for the whole family.

Veggies, leafy greens, protein, nuts, seeds and good fats are important and can make a difference to her wellbeing, libido and mood.

If you have time, prepare some snacks for her before you go to work – or hold the baby so she can.

Healthy, ready made soups or snacks like almonds, cheese, boiled egg, salads, cut up fruit etc are great.

Eating paleo or LCHF (low carb, high fat) is a great way to eat.

If she seems particularly tired (despite expected tiredness from lack of sleep), it’s worth getting her iron levels checked, especially if she had a traumatic birth or lost a fair bit of blood.

Ask for the ferritin level to get a better idea of how much iron the body has stored.

An iodine check and a full thyroid function test may also uncover some common reasons for fatigue and lack of libido that doesn’t shift.

Also, make sure she’s drinking plenty of water.

Good quality, filtered water is very important, especially when breastfeeding.

Exercise can also increase energy levels, help with depression, anxiety and back pain.

You might like to suggest gentle walks with her after work or on weekends, given that she has cleared her recovery time and is well.

Just half an hour a day can make a difference – and if you go with her, it provides a great opportunity for some connection time.

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Kelly Winder is the creator of BellyBelly.com.au, a writer, doula (trained in 2005), and a mother of three awesome children. She's passionate about informing and educating fellow thinking parents and parents-to-be, especially about all the things she wishes she knew before she had her firstborn. Kelly is also passionate about travel, tea, travel, and animal rights and welfare. And travel.


    1. I’ve not had sex with my wife now for 6 months our baby is 4 months old. I’ve tried to talk it through and I’ve done everything I can. I’m a broken man. I feel hurt and let down. I don’t even want to be in the same bed as her anymore. She has lost all love and respect for me and I’ve lost respect for myself. I really can’t see us getting through this and it brakes my heart to know I might lose my best friend. I give up.

      1. I’m in the same boat bro! My kid was born on April 30th, and my wife has not been wanting sex at all and even when she tries it sucks because you can tell she in in pain and not enjoying it at all but after reading this article I fully understand now and I honestly feel like a shitty Husband for not understanding.

        1. Don’t beat yourself up Dwayne! What we don’t know, we don’t know. Life (especially parenting and all that comes with it!) is full of learning on the job, isn’t it? On the contrary, I think you’re awesome for looking for help, reading this article and understanding what’s going on for her. It’s frustrating for us too, trust me. But it can be managed and the relationship strengthened like never before. Good luck!

  1. i support this web page but part of me dont because i literly do alot for my partner and sometimes i get upset because it seems like i love her more than she loves me. i cook, i clean, pay rent, bills and give her numerous breaks from our 2 year old, plus every time we have sex i pleasure her and myself. i never make sex about only her or only my self but i make sure we both enjoy our selfs. im a handsom guy with a fun personality. for some reason my sons mom has just not been giving me any play in the bed room. i tell her i love her everyday. i compliment her alot. i cook her good delicious food. i dont cheat on her. i literly do alot for this women but for some reason in the bed at night when i ask for us to make love she says NO 🙁
    i love this women so much and she loves me too but our sex life suck now after our first baby. im going to be honest im not your averge joe when it comes to penis size. i do have a big you know what but before, that didnt stop us from having enjoyable romantic sex. i think that some women are just difficult and dont care about what anyone thinks or how anyone feels about their behavior or choices sometimes. im a good man i deserve to have gental soft warm romantic sex with my partner. theres women out there in the world that complain about how selfish men are and how their men dont please them sexually. What i find funny and factual is the BIBLE even says not to cause your husband to SIN by hold you self from him sexually. 1Corinthians 7:3-5 ESV
    The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control

    1. Oh my good lord have you heard yourself- that must be a complete joke!! I really do hope you are just writing to gain a reaction such as mine because if not you sound like a self-centred arrogant pig. Plus, by the way the bible is not FACTUAL

      1. Mel, whether you believe in Jesus Christ or not, I think your anti-Christian feelings are getting in the way of hearing what Edward was saying. Other than his constant spelling mistakes, he has a good point, and I agree with a lot of it. I am not a practicing Christian, but the bible verses he quotes are the most intelligent part of his comments. Like he said, he supports the article, but I think it’s important to let him explore his feelings and get constructive feedback.

        Edward: I am feeling exactly like you right now. I understand that what I’m feeling is wrong and there are physical, unavoidable reasons why this marriage has become sexless, but I still feel constantly rejected and unloved like you do. I do think she could try harder. She tries to make me happy sometimes, but she is so sexy (except her nipples, hehe) and my strong sexual drive is making this very difficult. I know she loves me, but every single day I get the feeling she doesn’t all over again. She says she wants to go another year breastfeeding, I just don’t know how long I can last like this. A year is a very long time and it’s already killing me.

    2. Edward, the message I get from your post is “I am pressing all the right buttons, but she is still not functioning like I expect her to.”

      The question what is keeping her is one that only she can answer. Listen to her, if she says “no” then ask “why?”. You might not know this, but as much as for us men sex releases pressure, results in relaxation and can be used to alleviate stress, for women this is completely the other way around. They need to be relaxed and worry-free before they can engage in sexual activities (please excuse the simplification, of course everyone is different …).

      Make this about her, not about you. From your words I know you’re trying, but it seems to have a condition attached to it. “I am doing all these things, so that she will have sex with me.” Try satisfying her needs because you want to satisfy her needs and make her happy. Unconditionally. That literally works miracles!

      1. you guys are completely self centred! I am a Christian and you are completely mid quoting the bible! the verses you are referring to are not talking about child birth they are referring to a woman who withholds for no reason except to punish or cause her husband to sin but any self respecting man with any degree of self control would understand her position. my wife has breastfed both my children and I Could not be more grateful. breastmilk is undeniably one of Gods greatest gift to parents. I think you should both get over yourselfs and for one second try to comprehend what your wife has gone through!

        1. I respect your opinion apart from the not surprising “judgemental Christian” feel about his situation. But you can’t just assume what everyone feels like, people react to certain situations differently. But how dare you say to get over yourself? Do you think that we’re selfish just because we connect with our partners in amazing emotional ways through sex? Isn’t that how God created it? For a man and a woman to connect in ways never thought of? I am a born again Christian but the harshness of your tongue shows that you need to re-read the Bibles most important commandment “love thy neighbor as thy self”. I also am in the same situation with my wife and I constantly think that she has lost her affection for me. It’s hard even painful sometimes not that I can’t have sex with her but that I can’t show her my affection/love through an act that only a man and his wife can do.

          1. I understand your visceral reaction to the fact that he tells the previous poster to ‘get over themselves’ but please explain how he was being a ‘judgemental Christian?’. He was simply pointing out that the bible verse that was being quoted was misused. As a Christian myself I concur that the verse being used was absolutely out of context. If you are a born-again Christian then I don’t understand why you wouldn’t be in agreement with this. You both have valid points about both breastmilk and sex – they are a gift from God. Breastmilk is a gift for the health it gives our babies and the closeness and bond it produces between a mum and baby. Sex is a gift between a husband and wife which also brings closeness and pleasure. I can understand that it may be hard to take that a wife may not want sex because she is breastfeeding/busy with baby – but from one Christian to another, the bible says that there is a season for everything. So don’t worry, this season will be over before you know it.

    3. Please note that she added the following disclaimer: “For those who are thinking it, yes, sex is a two way street, but you’re reading this article seeking help how to fix your situation, right? I’ve also got advice for women too, but since you’re wanting to know how to help, here it is!”.
      Since you seem to be doing a lot to help already and and none of these situations apply to you because you are still having problems, then this article is obviously not for you and you need other help. No reason to say you don’t support the webpage.
      Since you’ve quoted the bible I assume you’re a Christian, so perhaps speaking with a pastor or religious counselor would help.
      On a more personal note, resenting your wife will not help the situation, and disclosing your penis size is kind or irrelevant. Withholding sex is also more of a specific thing. Is she actually withholding sex from you? Or is she just in a headspace now where she doesn’t feel like it? Have you actually talked to her about it or are you just venting on the internet? It seems like some constructive steps could be taken here. Firstly, tell her how you feel. Secondly, seek help. I hope all goes well.

    4. Hey mate. My partner and I were only together for 2 months before she fell pregnant. I was 22 I was in my prime, well I thought I was, I thought It’s the puppy love stage and all I wanted to do was shag. I couldn’t believe my luck with meeting such a beautiful smart women like I did.. I’m Australian and she is English.. I was over the moon that she fell pregnant and my word I was also so scared..got our first scan and was told to not have sex because of the placenta in the wrong spot. So we stopped..got the second scan and was told that we were having a baby with the worst type of club foot so we were freaking out… Two days after my daughter was born I was fired because i went to hospital while my PARTNER was having our daughter. Like having a disabled child was hard enough considering it was our first too.( that matter is sorted) what person would miss the birth of there child.
      Anyway., we had to move into my parents with a new born child with a full house.. It was hectic! We started to resent each other.. Started giving up.. Fighting to the point of no return.. She had no family. I had the pressures of money, life and the fact that I was about to lose my partner and daughter., this went on for a year. She moved out to a farm and I lived with my parents.. I saw them everyday without hesitation.. It was emotionally devistating!!! I finally got a full time job and fiannly got a place together… But the fights kept going.. The days got harder!! It felt like we were fighting for nothing.. At this point it was 19 months without sex and we were only together for two months.. I am
      Not a quitter neither is she.. I could see the light at the end of the tunnel!! I knew she was depressed.. But so was I.. But I had to keep strong for them both.. Because she could only keep strong for our little girl., I was getting frustrated because I was doing everything.. Working 80-100 hour weeks to try and keep our heads above water.. Cleaning… Paying bills, shopping etc.. All I wanted was sex!! I craved it so much! I thought it was me! I was trying to change my body, blah blah but it wasn’t working.. My self esteem was shot! I didn’t know what to do.. She was like… You have no emotions, you show no hurt or anything.. All I was showing was anger!! Never been so angry in my life.. And all of a sudden after many days of abuse to each other we sat down and we were about to give up and call it quits… I broke down… I cried and cried like never before.
      I told her how I felt! She cried and she told me how she felt! We spoke for the first time in almost two years properly, found out that she felt the exact same as me..We spoke from 10pm until 5am until I had to leave for work.
      From that day on something clicked. We became a team. We are still working towards the best but nobody is the best hey. We are so much stronger… Yeah I get sex once a month maybe twice haha! Best 2 mins ever haha. But if I get to spend my life with this women and
      See our child grow as a family.. It means more to me than losing her over sex.
      And this artical this cuppa length artical has confirmed to me 100% to to the dot where myself and her went wrong and made it better!
      Lately I’ve been feeling down and thinking its changing… But this has made it all better again.

      I’m ok night shift and I just sent her so many messages about how much I love her and that I can’t wait to have breaky with her.

      I hope all is well on your part now. I know it’s a year after but God bless you mate 🙂 the love is there! Love brings happiness.

      Thanks to the person that wrote this artical..

      Sorry for the bad wording!! I’m so tired and it’s 3:30 in the morning haha 🙂

      1. Awwww that’s so awesome Kurt! Communication is a MASSIVE thing! We all need to grow in relationships (or we die!) so we need to constantly look at how we can learn or better ourselves. That alone will make our relationships better and more loving. Hang in there! 🙂 Also: when we live for supporting kids, it all falls apart. Time needs to be invested in relationship, and time needs to be invested in self. My own relationship went down that path – I kept the kids together and sorted out, he worked and kept the money coming in (as I was doing also, from home). We both imploded due to not caring for each other or ourselves. It’s too much just to care for family, too much is on the line.

      2. I’m not from Oz but I think the way you’d put it is “Good on you, mate!” Good on both of you! Keep talking together and working as a team and you’ll make it. Got to say, thank goodness you broke down and bawled your eyes out in front of her! And that she responded by doing the same! Sometimes we all need to see our partner cares enough to cry, feels it’s important enough to cry about, oe even trusts us enough to cry in front of us, eh?

        Much luck to you. 🙂

      3. Kurt, you seem like a great guy. I’m going to try and help you out a bit. Read the book divorce busting or buster, something like that. Look, everyone has value. That is why your wife was with you in the first place. But all I can say is don’t bring down your value. Don’t be so available all the time. Go out with your friends and maybe for the weekend. Let her know what it is to be without you. This is all I will say, because I’m not an expert, but you should get it more than 2 minutes every other week, LOL. Good luck to you, but read the book before you do anything. It is a rather interesting read.

    5. dude I feel you .. but the best advice is patience.. My wife is exactly the same .. She is my everything and with out her I would not have to beautiful kids .. when I get discouraged is I try try to remember that she gave body soul and blood .. She is my hero! AKA be grateful for what you have and all will work it self out .. be gentle and keep faith in why you wanted a family in the first place ..

  2. For the love of all that is good and holy, please don’t tell men that women want postpartum sex to last LONGER. In general, we’re doing it to avoid a divorce or cheating spouse, so 60 seconds is beyond ideal. After which time we can sleep or tend the baby.

      1. Yeah forget men’s needs. Who needs them anyway? A bunch of sex pigs. All they do is work to provide for their families. They don’t need anything from their wives. Women shouldn’t have to try. Women should just be able to go sexless after children and men should simply understand and cope with it. At least they should just shut up and just continue to pay the bills so women can sleep, eat and tend the kids. Men are jokes and such needy babies themselves. Women have it so hard in this life. Men don’t know what a hard life is. They ought to just suck it up and realize that their wives don’t have to be passionate toward them sexually or emotionally after a baby. Better yet, they ought to live somewhere else and keep supplying the money so mom and kids can be alone and be rid of those jerks. Yeah forget men/husbands/dads. Their need for sex does not matter. It is totally irrelevant. Only what women need matters. Men are to be worked and used for income. That is all.

        1. If that’s what you really think then I’m sad for you. There must be a reason you read this article, but if that is your conclusion then I don’t think you were reading it right. Maybe try again? I hope your outlook on life and your attitude towards women changes. Maybe then you’ll see that men and women are supposed to be partners, but not everyone remembers that. When you read discouraging comments from others that seem to be saying something different, go back to the reason you were reading this article – I’m assuming you are hoping to reconnect with your lady? That’s a good thing. Ignore the negativity that comes from other people’s bad relationships.

        2. I agree! Just the kids needs are important. The guys needs aren’t important at all, who cares if we’re feeling isolated, alone and unloved. Tough it out, right?!

  3. This article brought tears to my eyes. my husband and I had an argument (our second) within the last 2 weeks) because of this very issue. I try to explain but he just doesn’t get it. He makes it seem like it’s something I can change. I’m just always so tired and most days I am operating only by the grace of god. Thank you for this amazing Article as I will definitely share this with my husband.

  4. Men are wired to be poly-amorous. Sorry to break it to you ladies. But if he doesn’t have sex with you, he’ll have it with someone else. This does not mean he doesn’t love you. He needs an emotional and physical release. My wife and I have had discussions about this. I would never leave her, she’s my one and only – but if she can’t give me what I need and she consents, I find adult comfort elsewhere.

    1. We have also evolved as a species since humans were created. People do have a choice, to control themselves or not. Unless you feel you don’t have control over yourself of course. It’s a choice how we deal with everything, even stress. Light up a cigarette? Binge on food? Drink ourselves silly — all in the name of stuffing down uncomfortable feelings. The only way to grow from something is to go through it. Find new ways to express intimacy and show your commitment. It’s not going to be like this forever.

      By giving your energy to another woman, you are taking it away from the one who you are committed to. I don’t know about your wife, and that’s your business, but that would impact on how I felt about my partner and what my future outlook on the relationship would be. If you’re both happy with that, great! If it works for you both. But for the most part, women thrive with the presence, commitment and strength of her man. A man’s purpose should be more important than finding the next “fix”. A man is most sexy when he shows self control, focus (purpose) and can deal with times when they are tough. It’s not a woman’s fault that the huge changes and demands in her system render her libido useless. But by giving her your energy even when it’s hard, instead of running to some other woman, that’s intimacy.

      I recommend the book “The Way Of The Superior Man” by David Deida: https://www.deida.info/books/way-superior-man.

      1. So, if a woman has certain needs she is to be catered to and pampered and taken care of. But when a men has needs they are evolutionary baggage that needs to be suppressed.

        Do you people even listen to yourself ? Sorry to break it to you, but a wife can’t just completely take away a huge part of the reason for being married in the first place and not only expect the husband to suck it up, noooo, he has to feel guilty of having needs in the first place. Oh, the insensitivity !

        1. I agree with Alex. It’s not going to kill her to put out, and I am her husband. If we go from 2-3 times a week to nothing, that’s not really fair, is it? There are things she can do, and even though it’s not making her wet, she can still get on board and God forbid initiate once in a while.

          These articles make me feel like I’m being disrespectful and unreasonable to expect some sex in my marriage, even if she has no libido for some time. Like you say, it’s not forever. So please, put on a happy face and show us some love when you don’t feel like it more frequently. And you’ll probably get into it after you’ve forced yourself to start. Stop neglecting us. You can’t just shut off the pipe for 2 years… we’ll die of thirst or find another source of water if it presents itself. Not that I would go explicitly looking, but it’s a dangerous emotional state you’re leaving us in, don’t you think?

          1. Wow, wow, wow. Thank God I married a real man. I have never seen my husband as disgusted as when he read Jason and Husband’s comments.

            Like YOU said Husband, it’s not forever so YOU put on a happy face and show her some love for God’s sake. She isn’t your sperm dumpster, she a freaking human being.

            Marriage is for better or worse and it is something you willingly entered. So if you end up “drinking from another watering hole” you are not justified, you do not get a free pass. You are a cheater, you are a vow breaker and you are not a good husband.

            Sexless marriages are hard, I definitely won’t dispute that. But they will also never get better by making ultimatums or threats to find greener pastures. They are almost always indicative of a much deeper problem. So you telling her just to suck up and do it for your pleasure IS disrespectful.

            You aren’t wrong to want to sex and want to resolve whatever the reason has brought this about but the way you basically are telling her to use her body to pleasure you despite how glaringly apparent it is that she is unable or unwilling to do this emotionally and possibly physically, is appalling.

            Not ONCE did you give even a hint that have asked why this is happening?! Why doesn’t she want to sleep with you!? Have you even asked her!? If so, did you even really bloody listen!?

          2. So you enjoy your partner laying down unmotivated and enduring your humping? I don’t know man, but I’d rather wait for her to get her drive back and *really* want me. That’s when the awesome sex happens!

            For pressure release, God made you with an intact right hand (I’m assuming), you know.

            These articles may make you feel that way but your comments are making everybody else feel like you don’t really care about your wife and only married her to have sex with her and blackmail her into unromantic quickies every week just to get your supposed need fixed, that is instilled by media and society.

            “you’ll probably get into it after you’ve forced yourself to start.”

            You’ll probably get way better sex if you stop whining and complaining and demanding and force yourself to focus on the needs of your wife. She will come around, but not under pressure. Imagine yourself in her shoes.

        2. Well said, very well said. Most of you girls on this thread and the writer herself sound very childish. It seems you don’t know just how important sex is for a man and a marriage in general. Do you want your men to back off and stop trying to turn every touch into sex? Then offer them a five minute hand job a couple times each week. If you actually would take some of your selfish time and read how men generally behave, it would become quite clear to each of you that once we release, we can stop thinking with our penises for a while and focus our new found energy on pampering you. The more you push us away then the longer it’s been for us. So now our need is greater and the touching becomes more geared toward sex. Oh and on a brighter note, now you’ve even put some energy into helping if not saving your marriage. Rediculous; you complain about a few minutes yet you would have us male sexual monsters (as it seems your minds think) wait one, two, sometimes three years to feel wanted/ desired. Don’t you women like feeling loved? Do you think masturbating for us will fill the void? News flash, Grow up girls, take good care of your men, we work to do the same for you. If you can’t fathom what it’s like to not have sex with your lover for way too long try going two years without having a meaningful conversation with anyone…Anyone. Ya we get that you have no drive, you’re tired, you don’t want to be touched, and you want some understanding and some help and some compassion, seriously wouldn’t hurt to give just a little too, for the sake of your lover and your marriage: if you can’t give a hoot about your husbands emotional needs (yup sex is very emotional for us) then you deserve to loose the man you claim to love. Shame on you; shame on you for harping on our needs, shame on you for your lack of sympathy, shame on you for thinking men are some kind of awful over sexed creature. Shame on you….oh and shame on you some more. You sound like terrible wives who care little for your partners. Sex for us is vital; did you hear that??? VITAL!!! It’s the true confirmation that we are still a couple. we need to f#ck like ya’ll need a conversation that has depth. TAKE CARE of YOUR MAN and grow up, we are asking very little: you demand understanding but offer none. Offer your men a handjob ladies; for five minutes, and you’ll be severely over compensated in return.

          Oh and before any of you wives decide to reply, please take the time (that’s right time-in the time it took you to read this you could have taken a vital step toward saving your marriage, go give him a hand job right now) to re-read this and ask yourselves if you actually love your man or if it’s time to let him go. Celibacy is for monks and priests.

      2. This proves that women are just as selfish. Women need this and that and the other before the husband ever thinks he deserves sex with his wife. Men must extend themselves and never expect sex and wait as long as it takes for his wife to finally decide when they should have sex. Men should never ask for love making. Women are to be in charge of that. I understand that it’s a life change having a baby as my wife and I have two. But why do women feel free to completely neglect their husbands for years after the children come? It’s like they feel entitled to neglect and torture their husbands by continually withdrawing sexually from them. What a one sided joke.

          1. Truth is she’s never been interested in making love ever since we got married. She acted like I was raping her on our wedding night. Nothing happened that night and hardly anything has happened over the 12 years of our marriage. The only times she’s pursued me was to have our two children. She wanted a lot of sex in order to get pregnant the first time with our daughter. Then 4 years later she all of a sudden wanted me again and we had our son. But other than a paycheck and a sperm bank I’m worthless I guess. I get criticized over the littlest things and she praises how successful other guys are that she new back in high school but I hardly ever hear a word of praise toward me from her. She just doesn’t understand my physical need as a man. Yes men have egos, have pride, have a need for adventure, and a need for acceptance from the woman he loves, and yes sex is the biggest thing that speaks all of that to a man. But men are to simply suppress that and set all of that aside and only the woman’s needs matter. If a man’s ego is not filled by his wife he will find a way to fill elsewhere. That’s why I work so much overtime at work and when not at work I’m doing projects around the house constantly, and she just doesn’t understand why. I’ve expressed my feelings about this too but nothing changes. I’ve served her in so many different ways too but nothing changes. I’ve got to focus on something else fulfilling like my kids, work and hobbies because im drying up from all of her rejection. She doesn’t receive my touch unless it’s a little peck and a hug before work but it better not lead to anything else, God forbid! But women I guess are entitled to neglect their men, at least my wife feels that way. She says that we can talk things out and that she’s listening, but it always ends up being my fault and all about her needs and how hard she has it. I stay only for my kids. That’s why I stay. Other than that I don’t want to even talk to my wife anymore. I’m tired of pretending there is or may be something when there is nothing. And I know, men are just egomaniac monsters who ought to suppress their masculine desires. How dare men be men.

    2. So, you basically gave your wife an ultimatum? Give me sex, or I’m going somewhere else. Classy. Way to make a new mom feel even more like shit.

      1. Fellas, I stopped doing things around the house that she wanted from me until I got what I wanted from her. At the end of the day, I’m not going to be the only one unhappy or miserable. Eventually your wives will get to the point where they ask you what’s the problem and why aren’t you helping and thats your chance to explain how u feel about them and how u feel shut out. If they are okay with continuing the relationship in that way, then you know where u stand. Sometimes women have to experience the change before they understand how serious it is. Hope that helps and good luck fellas.

        1. An eye for an eye leaves everyone blind. If you have to resort to “trading” to get what you want in your relationship, you know what dangerous path you’re walking down? Do you want it to work, or no? Do you want her love and admiration for you to grow? Because you need to be prepared that she will walk… and her love and admiration at your behaviour will be the first to go.

  5. hmmmmm never experienced a low labido whilst on the pill and I was on it from the age of 17 til 34, my hubby would know back sex because i wanted it every night.now i’m off it, my urges are slacking off a tad, so obviously it affects people differently. but yes, after birth, please don’t be asking for sex, and Doctors need to stop telling husbands that “you can have sex in 4 – 6 weeks” wtf!? hell no, get away from me, maybe in 6 months, but not in 6 weeks buddy.

  6. Thank you for your article! It is spot on from a woman’s perspective. My husband and I have struggled with this after the birth of each child and it doesn’t get any easier knowing what will come. In fact, I think the addition of each one has drawn us closer together as a unit and equally pushed us apart as lovers; each feeling is just intensified. It is hard to remember that this too shall pass while you are in the thick of it.

  7. Well it’s not to say that she need or has to be up to it in 6 weeks. But it doesn’t feel great on the male part when after 7 months you do the best you can and it’s just sweep under the rug likes it’s just bust. I understand that for the female it isn’t easy with kids and home life but “should both parties” make time for each other?

  8. I think I just decided to not have anymore kids. Isn’t there a pill she can take that doesn’t stop the breastmilk? I bet it would save some marriages.

  9. My husband doesnt
    even want to touch me,its 3months since I had our baby.am healed.
    Bt he cant even hug me he says till baby is one yr.I find this wierd

  10. There is nothing more off-putting than demanding your needs be met! Listen to you folks …

    “How you handle the issue of sex after childbirth can either do irreparable damage to your relationship or it can make it stronger than ever been before. The choice is up to you.” Right now, some of you seem focussed on doing irreparable damage to their relationship, just to get some sex.

    In my experience, whenever we have disconnected emotionally and/or sexually there is a reason for this and a good one, most of times. If I insist on my “right” to sex or even would go so far as blackmail her with cheating, as some men propose here, that only intensifies the conflict! We went 6 months without sex after our (first) child and do you know what? It didn’t kill me *gasp*! And patiently waiting out the time it took her to heal completely and get her sex drive back has totally paid off.

    So, if you’re looking for a quick release, there’s always something “handy”. If you want your relationship to succeed, learn patience. “But I have needs, too!” She just had her life completely turned upside down by growing and birthing a new human being, maybe you can cut her some slack for that?

    Postpartum is not a good time to get all selfish as the father of a newborn and the husband of the woman who just gave birth to your child. If you wait it out patiently and be understanding, things will work out for the better and, speaking from my experience, it will become even better than before!

    tl;dr: If you want great sex, be patient and don’t demand it.

    1. I’ve been waiting for years. And I have just decided to give up altogether. Trying to pursue sex with my wife is like trying to make love with a brick wall. It’s over for us sexually and I just completely give up. There’s no hope for us in this area. I just exist as an income provider, other than that I’m not needed.

      1. You’re taking your personal situation with your own wife and applying it to women in general. That’s simply not fair. The article stands. The opposite sex doesn’t have to apologise to you because your wife withholds sex. I’m not saying that isn’t unfair on you, I’m sure it sucks. I’m very sorry for the path your marriage has taken, but it doesn’t apply to all women. I’m not sure why you were reading this article if you’ve given up. Maybe see a counselor who can help you. A generalised article cannot offer personal help, as much as many of the poor confused commenters on here seem to think…

  11. Thankyou, so very, very mcuh for this article.
    I’ve recently had my second baby, (both caeser) and while I have the most loving and understanding husband, some of these things have been issues for me and I’ve not been able to properly articulate it to him. I love him very much – more now than before our children even – but the physical, mental tolls of childbearing take much to recover from – and though I “want to want to” the mere idea makes me want to collapse sometimes.
    I found this to be written sensibly and without prejudice, and with the genuine intention of helping a new father understand what is happening in his wife’s mind.
    Again, thankyou for finding the words.

  12. To all those who have posted here that their partner is the one who needs to change, whether that’s a mother or father…

    If you truly care for and love your partner, you will find a way to honour them and their emotions and needs. If all you want is (a) for them to not touch you, or (b) to have sex on demand, then you’re not showing them the same love that you yourself crave and need.

    When my wife and I got married, one of the things that we discussed was that it wasn’t about sex. I gave her my word that even if something happened and we couldn’t have sex long term, that my commitment to her was to her, not to satiating my sex drive. She needed that reassurance that she was honoured and cared for, not just desired.

    Talk with your partner! Give THEM space to speak, listen to them, and carefully consider what you are thinking, doing, and saying. Are you showing love, honour, and respect to your partner? If not, then no matter what they may be doing that is setting you off, you need to change.

    Until you can come from a place of other-centredness, you will struggle to resolve relationship issues (unless you want a master and slave relationship, and that’s a whole other issue).

    1. My wife is able to have sex. But I’ve given up as she has purposely rejected me for years. Glad things worked great for you. But I have completely given up on my wife sexually, in fact I’ve gotten so low that I’ve given up my sex drive altogether. What’s the use?

  13. This article demonizes men. Nothing constructive about this article, it’s upsetting to see only emotions in the article. Demonizing men for wanting sex is like villianizing Women for wanting time to themselves. If only one side of a relationship is happy the other side drifts away. There has to be medium ground like a blowjob or something.

    1. Interesting about your interpretation. In your own life, do you feel bad for wanting sex? You’re human, I don’t think you should feel that way.

      Men ask all the time why a new mother who has just recently had a baby, doesn’t want sex. So I have tried to cover every possible scenario to help couples talk about what it might be and what they can do to help sort out the problem. There is nothing wrong with women or men wanting sex, in fact I just published one for women about what to do when he doesn’t want sex. Again I thought of all possible scenarios.

      However, when you see the reactions of angry men who think sex is owed to them (as per some other comments here) you can see how easily it becomes a stalemate, and a worse issue than it should be in a relationship. Who would want sex with someone behaving in that way? All I have done is shown some possibilities and opened the door, the couple have to walk through it (or the man in this case, as this article is for men seeking help). If he doesn’t ‘go first’ trying to rectify the issue (i.e. not arguing his case for sex, but attacking the problem and not the person), it may never get rectified.

      1. You can’t force anyone to do anything. My wife wants nothing to do with me sexually and that’s fine. But realize that it’s also not my fault, nor within my power to change her. I have depression, but don’t blame my wife that I’m sad. That is a me problem. Same as this is a HER problem. You keep making it like although we don’t have the ultimate choice it’s up to us to “fix” her and that’s not true. Iit’s their choice to change not ours to coerce.

        1. I was trying to make it clear at the start of the article that since the article was written for dads, and dads were coming to the page for help, it would have advice for dads in this situation — things they can do to help. You can’t just read an article and expect a new mother to fix herself as a result 😉

          But, there are things you can do to help in this article if you want to. They aren’t fixing her, they are supporting her to help get herself/libido back over time. After the birth it’s a time of massive change for women and men. We’re all impacted differently based on the support we get and our relationship status. You have depression so it’s no doubt on her mind too that both of you are struggling. You both need some emotional and physical support and care. She may be afraid to rely or lean on you because she’s worried about how you’re coping.

          Due to request, I also wrote about what to do when HE doesn’t want sex. While it’s not your case here, there is lots of great advice and comments from dads which you might benefit from. Give it a try and see if you can take anything out of it:


          Also, that book I recommended — seriously, it’s a lifechanging read. I highly recommend it.

  14. Lol. Wtf about the Fathers. Like she’s the only one who had the baby. I moved for her remodeled a whole house for her and the baby. Work 10 hours a day have the child the minute i get home , cook, then sneak to the gym at 2 am so i can have some pattern of normal 8n my life. And save me she just gave birth BS i had a liver transplant and was back on the horse in 6 months while my ex was filing for divorce after finding out i wasn’t checking out. Here’s a tip for mothers who have husbands have sex with them, otherwise refuse the ring when asked to be married. Actually F this this is why men including 70 percent of my co workers friends have affairs and have great marriages

    1. You sound very angry and frustrated Alfonso.

      It’s important for couples to get (good) help before throwing it all in the bin by seeking instant gratification by cheating. Relationships are about effort, and we need to attack the problem, not the person. A woman closed down sexually (if she’s well healed and healthy) means connection has been lost. And if you’re too busy being angry and frustrated, you’re pushing her away, not drawing her in. No woman will open up to a man who is not safe.

  15. Is #8 for real? Lack of sex after childbirth, and then getting upset he doesn’t last long enough in bed? Do you even know how the human body works?!?

    1. Erm, yes I do. Many women don’t have frequent sex after having a baby. So when it’s time to, maybe he’s a little excited and mum feels like she’s just providing a service for someone else — feeding the baby, sex for the partner… nothing for herself. Some women do crave connection and lots of foreplay, but their partner jumps right into it. Just because you may not have experienced it, doesn’t make it untrue.

  16. So here is what I think. After all this is your general opinion and you are based on, not in just one woman, but a few personifies. Husbands here are voicing their frustration because they know their situation, you don’t. Again, you are just generalizing. In order for you to understand a man, you have to be a man. The same way for us understand women. But here is the thing, that’s the beauty of it, you are in a marriage where you have to understand both needs. I am not going to ask her to have sex the minute she has that baby ( have you seen the way that thing down there ends up?) but what I do expect is the “I understand this is hard on both” conversation. Set up expectations like, “maybe not tonight, but how about this weekend, we go to bed early and we try something different until I can do the full thing”. All I’m saying here is, your husband understand the situation, make sure you do as well, and stop making these kinds of general comments because you want to get visitors n your site when real people/marriges are hurt by all the non-sense online. I hope you post a response and not make it just about the female, because if you do… It will just show that you don’t know/understand men at all. Thank you and I hope some fellas here appreciate these comments when their wives show them thIs article. Just like mine just texted me the link with “Take the time to this whole article. Especially about the way you handle it cold be detrrmtal
    To your relationship”. So I hope she comes back an read this one and understand that I don’t have nothing against understanding her, but if we keep making this about understanding her only, what are we gaining here? That’s it. Thanks all!

  17. My wife had our baby 7 weeks ago and have not had sex. After our first baby I complained that I didn’t get any and guess what I still didn’t get any. This time i have been really good to her and waiting. She actually asked me if I was being nice to get some. I was hurt but now know what she thinks. It’s also tough because we do not cuddle in bed anymore because she’s always passed out when hitting the bed. The plan is to keep going and being there for her. I know it will change after time.

    1. Great work dad. Even some of the most spiritual and emotionally in touch dads I know admit that while they get it, they can’t help but take it a little hard. It’s a tough period, but if you foster connection, it will improve. I think when women say you’re doing X to get some, they are just feeling all touched and used out. A baby is so demanding on a woman’s body, she needs to make sure she gives back to her. A full cup will overflow with giving. An empty cup will… well, it’ll just wait for fullness. This article is great, give it a read 😉


  18. Great article, I read it a couple of time hoping that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I want to say I believe in all this but that does not make it necessarily easier for me. I tried many of these but 6 months after birth it’s still very difficult – we must have had sex (whatever type) perhaps four or five times after delivery, and that was after 2 years TTC and the hit of discovering male factor infertility. Now it’s been almost two months without, and I have tried/am trying many of the above, including having help at home, taking her out on dates, massage, flowers, cooking, etc. We’ve talked about it a couple of times but nothing really changed, I think I will not try again as talking about it just makes it feel heavier to bear to both of us. She says she loves me and it’s sleep deprivation, and I believe her of course, but it feels lonely and I’ve stopped trying because I can’t stand the feeling of begging for it or hearing a no. I will continue to support her but I am afraid if this doesn’t change sometime, somehow, it can cause serious damage to our relationship. We both wanted to have a child and I love my wife and my son, but honestly I did not know that signing up for this I had checked out of being a couple.

    1. I feel for you, it is very difficult because both partners feel they desperately need something. Can you think of any ways you can help her to get more sleep? How about some paid help around the house or a post-natal doula? Mamas these days are so overstretched without the community that once helped the mother to recover and raise a child. It gets very lonely and exhausting. Try and focus on solutions rather than the problem. Maybe even tell her you want to sit down and have a serious chat about things, and let her know you want to focus on finding some solutions to the issues – not complain about the problems. Both of you put your feelings and needs on the table and see where it can match up. Don’t forget to say “I feel” not “You xxx” to avoid it turning into a blame game. Good luck!

  19. It is wonderful article. Truely couples need to understand each other after birth. Particularly the husband have to adjust the drive towards sex. Faithful and care to the breestfeeding mum is the great tool for the prosperity of the generation to come. I love this.

  20. I am a first time mom in mid twenties.
    I had induced (traumatic) vaginal birth.
    I have been exclusively breastfeeding.
    Me and my husband we live abroad therefor we don’t have any relatives or friends to help us throughout parenthood.
    I spend 10+ hours daily with a very demanding baby.
    I still wake every 2-3 hours to nurse our baby at nights.
    I can relate to every point mentioned here except #9.


    I would love regular lovemaking and recharge if my husband actually did any of the things mentioned above.

    My libido haven’t dropped too much, just my overall energy. I am still a woman with all my desires. After having a baby sometimes I feel more aroused than before maybe because of not having it enough.

    My gynecologist suggested to avoid sex for first 6 weeks so my vagina can fully recover. Ever after we have sex aprox. once in two weeks. I was scared at first, but it turned out quite enjoyable, but indeed needed some extra ‘moisture ‘.

    I can only dream my man would ever read article like this or take seriously any of suggeations given here. He believes that as a woman and wife I always have to be my ‘top game’ without him having to fill up… and this in return is a big turn off for me.

  21. Let’s say I’m going to try to follow this guide. But I find my situation a little bit nasty.
    -My baby is almost 2 and in the meantime we made love no more than 5 times.

    -She is still breastfeeding. I spent 6 months when my baby turned 1 trying to convice her that she should stop then I stopped as it was not working.

    -I moved to her country, where I don’t know anyone, and I’m taking 1 year off so she can restart her professional career.

    -We live close by (50 mt) her parents and her brother who has a 5 years old daughter but we don’t get any help from them as they are too busy getting fat.

    -We talked about sex but she told me she doesn’t have any sexual instinct (we were having sex 5+ times per week before the baby arrived)

    – I tried to tell her that I’m pretty depressed as I don’t have any social life and I don’t know anyone in her country. But instead to try to support me she said that for her is the same as she doesn’t have a great relationship with her family and as she was living abroad for 6 years she lost a lot of contacts. I just wondering why we moved here then.

    So I’m stucked here till situation change or I’m going to give up. I helped her with the baby as much as I could: cooking, cleaning, working was on me for the past year. If I was not cooking she was not able neither to prepare some food for the baby and she was buying baby food. The only thing I didn’t help at all was keeping the baby at night, I tried but I was just too destroyed at work then. What make me really sad is that in case of divorce I have nearly 0% chance to have the baby and I love him a lot.

    1. Awwww man that’s a really tough situation. I really feel for you. You’re both desperately needing support, connection, networks and nurturing, so it can be a vicious cycle to get out of, because all you have is each other and that’s not working out for both of you.

      I can share with you some resources and networks to help get some support and information from other great men and fathers, as well as to help you work out a solution.

      Firstly, join these Facebook pages, especially the Becoming Dad page (there’s a men’s only closed page, please join that and connect with the dads there).


      You need to do something for you – it’s no wonder you’re depressed. Both partners need an outlet with others, a passion or hobby. Is there something you enjoy you could take up once a week? Going to the gym can also help boost your mood and testosterone levels. But is there a sport you once played? Activity you would like to try?

      If you’d like to speak to a great men’s mentor/counsellor, I can recommend someone fantastic for you too.

      1. Hi can you raccommend me the men’s mentor/counsellor.
        Things didn’t improve at all.
        -Baby is 2 and she promised me that at 2 she was going to stop breastfeeding as the studies she was reading where on that direction. I would like to joke about the fact that fresher studies move that boundary but… She was shameless enough to claim exactly that.
        -She is working all day leaving at 7am and coming back at 8pm.
        -I managed to stop using the dummy with my baby but as long as she is home she gave him the dummy and then breastfeed him.
        -I was promised to have some time for me after 8 to do some jogging and some work but this never happened. She joined a gym and to the even when she was home I was taking care of the baby for one hour so she could go to the gym. I’ve to admit that before we lived in a country with better work-life balance but still I don’t find it fair.

        We finally bought a car so we can go somewhere over the weekend but:
        Even if the baby is used to stay on his seat when we are just me and him, he’s never on the seat with his mum. We had a big discussion about it and she said the baby is gonna use the seat when he would like to use it. I propose her to sit on the front with me so the baby can be used to stay by himself on the back but she doesn’t want listen the baby scream neither 1 minute.

        -For the above reason I’m the only one who is driving and as in this country the distances are huge this is getting pretty tiring.

        1. Hey Bob, it is a huge thing post-natally. I feel it’s become a bigger problem than ever, because these days, more women are working (and longer hours at that) and we have overwhelm from technology too. I find too much time online gives me some sort of sensory overload, and I want space – but it’s my job to be in front of a computer.

          I highly recommend following these Facebook pages:

          * Becoming Dad (which has a private mens only group – VERY supportive men)
          * Follow Graham White’s page Modern Masculine Man which has great advice and posts on getting your life sorted. He runs closed group for men only too and it’s a powerhouse!

          There are some great books for relationships post baby too. If you’re interested in reading let me know. But the above two are a good start, counselling is tricky because you need to find the right person with the right knowledge. If you’re in Melbourne I can recommend a great counsellor for men. Graham also does counselling but he’s not cheap – very worth it though. If you prefer you can email me with the details on our contact page.

  22. I was searching online for MY reason, which is missing from this article… not wanting another baby so soon (or at all)! We had sex tonight, just days before my period, and we didn’t use our normal contraceptive method, and so…now I’m extremely scared about having another baby. I didn’t realize how bad it would feel until afterward, when I started crying uncontrollably while trying to clean up. Just the thought of having another one so soon made me so sad…. For starters, I love my little guy so much I cannot even imagine having to share this love and attention with another baby, I’d feel too guilty! I want all my time and affection to go to my little baby (well of course, my hubby too), but I mean, babies take up SO much time, how could I possibly divide it between two babies??! And force them to take turns breastfeeding, making one cry who has to wait….oh no! And then the nutrition in my breastmilk going toward the development of a new baby instead, lowering the nutrition of food for my current baby (I read that somewhere). I don’t want another baby. And after our scare tonight, I’m not sure I ever want unprotected sex with my hubby again. Or maybe even any sex until the current baby is done breastfeeding, at least. Maybe he’ll be happy with BJs for two years? Hmmm.

  23. One thing I was worried about with post baby sex was my breasts leaking milk during sex. I was scared it would be a turn off for both of us. Perhaps reassure wives about that. After being a size 8 with a good figure I felt very self conscious about how I looked. Are you helping her to feel ok about her body, ( not just suggesting exercises) What you say as well as what you do counts.
    My husband was a breast feeding Nazi and made me breast feed even though I had problems learning how and my baby wasn’t getting enough milk. This made me resentful towards him and we know resentfulness isn’t an aphrodisiac. I agree with a previous comment that gratefulness is much more likely to inspire interest.
    Am sad about the cheaters comments. What greater commitment could your wife have to you than having your baby (yes hers to) and you cheat on her?

  24. thats why its important to not have children seems kind of selfish women want children in the first place, meaning you are not good enough on your own but we need to complicate our lives or something, or if of course you do mistakingly have children which is how most children happen BY PURE LUCK because i can tell you i have had lots of sex with many women without condoms and ejaculated into them and never got one pregnant at all, Im probably shooting blanks(infertile) anyway if i did have children and I was getting no sex i would put it to my partner that I find someone to fit my needs as the world as you know is abundant and if my partner wanted to selfishley do that to me deny my freedomks well i would leave her give her a few crumbs in child support, also I would still make my child financialkly stable as that is something i was denied even though i hail from a wealthy family, oh yes they made up some lies for me i have a trust fund etc… yes all lies, I would definatley open trusts for my children for their benefit, most parents are BOTH SELFISH i dunno im 42 and single, women will never see the mqale point of view calling us stupid , thick etc if we see the world differently ARE we most major inventions and science has derived from man probably because we got sick and tired of being bored by womens lies

  25. All of this is spot on. Thank you for putting into words what I had been feeling. Now I can have an honest discussion with my spouse. I know we can find some middle ground where both our needs are met and we both feel appreciated. Thank you.

  26. And I thought I am having an average sex life in my marriage. I think i am completely stupid really. My wife lets me have sex once a month or in two months.. sometimes 3 months. And I get this after trying and trying… begging and begging. The only reason she gives me is that she doesnt want to get pregnant. Well u think that is easy… NOOOO. She doesn’t want to use any of the contraceptive methods at all. She doesnt want me to use condoms or even vasectomy(as we already have enough number of children and we are done)… cos she doesnt trust Condom at all. She doesnt want to take the risk by having sex naturally. I made myself believe that i would be okay if she doesnt ever initiate sex (10 years none ), I m okay for her pushing me away almost all the time when I try to hug/touch her, I am even okay she never ever said that she loves me. But nowadays I am trying to get crazy… I have asked her if we can consult an expert on this or even just her talking to her friends but she refused. Divorce is not an option… I am a practising Christian. I prefer not have sex to divorcing my wife. Don’t assume I dont love my wife… She knows I love her so much. Sometimes i feel cos of this she has taken me for granted.

  27. Well it’s been 11 months I’ve done everything clean cook clean pay the bills . Everything… I’ve touched… held at night and not the first hint of any reciprocation. I’m to the point I’m giving up. I can’t try to hold her anymorr. If it’s gonna. Happen. It going to have to be her that starts it now. I’m tired of getting turned down and not feeling loved. What do I do?

    1. You can use this situation to either grow and become a bigger person, or not…

      Have you read this article, written by a man?

      Also I highy recommend reading the book Way Of The Superior Man by David Deida. It’s life changing and will help you navigate difficult situations, especially with your relationship.

      If you’d like to get support from awesome, switched on fathers, the Becoming Dad private page on Facebook is a great place to ask all your questions about this stuff.

      While it’s common for mothers to lose libido because they are freaking exhausted (and it doesn’t end at the newborn stage), I would look into any unresolved issues in your relationship, which can cause a woman to shut up shop too. It really needs some loving, heart to heart communication and honesty on both parts.

  28. Oh yea not to mention how about all the time on facebook. I’ll say something and get absolutely no reply cause she on her phone on facebook…

    1. Addictions come in all forms. And addictions are a way of numbing/escaping uncomfortable feelings. So people can either choose to fight and get mad at one another or have a serious conversation about what’s going on and the way forward.

  29. Hello,
    Thank you for the article. My humble contribution is, husbands and wives need a middle ground. That is how marriages work. Aside breastfeeding season, there are times we don’t FEEL like doing something but for the health of our relationship we strive to make a little input. In this breastfeeding period wives are mostly naked in front of their husbands. This has some effects on the men. As it always does, breasts are larger and the husbands are attracted to them. A little hug could relieve a husband of stress but pushing him completely out destroys intimacy. It’s not always about Sex but a welcoming atmosphere and this is what is required for a healthy relationship. After her weaning period she does will want sex from him. Imagine yourself needing it and he’s pushing you away for 5 months perhaps because he’s emotionally unstable. Your reaction won’t be nice.

  30. I left most of this comment on another article but this one seems more appropriate. My wife and I are now 10 weeks postpartum and my wife has had no interest at all in having sex. I made a comment when we were at 5 or 6 weeks expressing excitement that we were almost to the time the Dr said we could start having sex again, only to find out my wife was MUCH less excited about that moratorium ending than I was. Now, another month has gone by and I brought it up again only to be rebuffed this morning as if I was reminding a child to do their chores. I hate having to use sulking or guilt as a method for getting sex, but I’ve tried the other approach and it is a lot more work with even less sex. It feels phony and forced and unnatural to act differently around my wife in hopes that she might feel like I’m more worthy of sex. My wife always feels better after we do have sex, guilted into it or not, and says things like “I feel so much better, we should do that more often” or “I really needed that and didn’t even know it” or “i had so much built up inside, i feel so much more relaxed”, so you can imagine my frustration to have to be constantly initiating and fitting it into our lives, like its my job to stay on top of paying the sex bills. It always seems like unless she planned for us to have sex that day in her head than it is not a good time. Like the stars have to be aligned. But she takes for granted the fact that I’m always willing and able. This recent timeframe is in stark contrast to literally having sex everyday for over a month straight to get pregnant. Then sex was a great idea to her and honestly, we got along better that month than any other. This postpartum change or course has me feeling like a sperm bank and nothing more. There seems to be a strong bias toward the woman’s feelings and perspective on the majority of articles I’ve found on this topic, which by no coincidence are also almost exclusively written by women. Articles like these make it sound like men aren’t doing enough to justify their partner’s desire and if they try harder maybe they might be interested in having sex. But if not, don’t worry, you are a better person for trying and your relationship will be so much stronger. I understand that sex is not a breastfeeding mom’s highest priority and that the baseline libido for women (which is already likely significantly less than their male partners in most relationships) is further lulled to sleep from all of the physiological and phycholgical happenings of having a baby. And of course if there is a medical reason preventing the possibility of safe and pain free sex, than that should be addressed first. However, is it asking so much to put aside 20-30 mins a couple times a week to fulfill your partner’s need for physical intimacy (and no, a massage or candlelit dinner is only going to build further resent without a payoff, this suggestion was clearly written without any input from the opposite sex)? And who knows, you might actually enjoy it to! Please, do let us know if you need more foreplay, that would be the most exciting news to us since “it’s a boy!”. I think it’s a lot easier than this article and many others make it seem to understand: sex to men is a much more of a need than that for women. Maintaining our homeostasis is much more dependent on adequate sexual fulfillment than the homeostasis of a woman. No need to condemn or judge that as a fact, or find ways to rationalize otherwise, just accept it and fulfill the need just as woman have other needs that need fulfillment and need to be addressed to their partners other than sex, which men should in turn fulfill. And if the act of intercourse is just too uncomfortable in the end after you’ve tried to figure it out, do your man a favor and finish him off, you know what to do 😉 At some point, you will probably both need to start having sex again if you want to maintain a healthy marriage. That timeline will be different for different couples and different circumstances but I can guarantee you that a woman is far more equipped in every way to live a sex-free life for longer before it begins to eat away at an otherwise healthy marriage. If you honestly expect a man to live without harboring any resent for you for not fulfilling his sexual needs for as long as you are breastfeeding, the majority of you will be awfully confused when the marriage falls apart. But please, offer your partner an article written by another woman about how they need to be more patient and see for yourself how long the resentment “tap” is turned off. A husband that is NOT sexually frustrated is a much better partner in crime when navigating the challenges of raising a baby and will be much easier to live amicably with and be much more helpful to you despite you BOTH being exhausted and overtired (by the way, I am a stay-at-home dad and primary caregiver of our two kids). A marriage is a negotiation and something that requires both of you to make sacrifices at times. Most men are willing to sacrifice sex for reasonable amounts of time for times like this, but your ideas of what is “reasonable” are VERY different and always have been because you are not built the same way. Your physiologic make-up has polorizing differences when it comes to sex. We men are unfortunately much less evolved than women and have very primal mammalian behaviors when it comes to sex. This is by no means an excuse for sexual assault and adultery but it explains why you see a lot more of these crimes perpetrated by men than the other way around and more men seem to cheat on their wives than the other way around, etc You can try to rationalize to us all of the reasons in the world why sex is not a good idea right now and why it makes so much sense to you, it probably won’t work to save your marriage from dysfunction though and I wouldn’t want articles like this to convince you otherwise. This coming from a man who has been relatively happily married for 10 years and has known his wife since we were 12 y o. My resentment and sulking seems to have us on track to have sex tonight and I’m hoping she will be happy we did as per usual. If not though, I think the act itself will preserve our marriage much more effectively in the short and long-term than some of the advice in this article. Good luck!

  31. Thanks for posting. This helped to articulate what my wife was trying to explain to me. This helped me to better understand how she is feeling.

    I also appreciate the suggestions on how to help her as well. Much of this I have been attempting before reading this article and it’s good to have affirmation that I’m on the right path.

    This experience has been a challenging one for both my wife and me, but has been a great teacher about unconditional love.

  32. My wife and I had a baby 14 months ago. Everything was going great up until valentines day. The wife and I have always been very sexual (3-4 times a week). But on Valentines day I set up a very romantic get away. We got her parents to watch the baby. I went early and set up the room, candles, flowers, soft music. After a great night of dinner, wine and dancing. We get back to the room. And all she does is degrade what I set up for her. We start getting into some foreplay and she just “star fishes.” ( just lays like a lifeless doll ) She has never been like this. Even after the babe was born, she was wanting to be with me 6 weeks after. But for months of just hearing “NO” to any advance kind of wears you down. I have tried talking to her, But all I get from her is ” I’m fine!” then she changes the subject.

    I am not saying its all her. I am in the military and between training and deploying time at home is very short. And when I am home Its daddy daycare. But I know what it means to be tired and warn down and don’t want to do anything. But I embrace the suck and drive on! There has to be a middle ground somewhere. Just because your sex drive stops don’t mean your partners does.

  33. Ok maybe I’m just wired differently, but after each child ( and one labor almost killed me due to DR’s stupidity… Gave me medication I was allergic to bottomed out my blood pressure and ignored our refusals) I was ready for sex. My husband wouldn’t let me have sex till at least the 5 week mark and our first baby left me with 18 stitches ( episiotomy? Heh try ripping up into your clit and having stitches there) my husband was the one refusing sex. He would not have sex with me because he loves me and did not want to hurt me. He knew what the dr said and wanted to follow DR’s orders. 3 kids and 5 years of marriage. And we aren’t even 25 yet. And here you all are blaming each other for this or that instead of taking the time to discuss your feelings with your spouses or significant others.. The most important part of a relationship is communication. If you’re depressed? Talk to your partner. Feeling unsexy? Talk to your partner. Damn, with holding help.. Telling the other to suck it up… You all sound like preschoolers…. The adult thing to do is open your ears and take each other’s feelings into consideration. Men and women both.

  34. I had a baby three weeks ago, and my husband is pressuring me to have sex. This is our fourth baby in five years. I feel guilty and angry. Can’t he see that I’m not even physically ready let alone have time?! What should I do?

  35. This is a good article and I will certainly take it into consideration as my wife and I are having these problems right now. It should also be noted that this was not the experience with the first child, so I did not have any anticipation things would be so different with the second.

    However, I think the article is far to one sided. I know its for men, but there should be some suggestions for women as well. Understanding goes both ways and it should not be left to, well the man has to deal with it. No, for many of the above problems that women have, there are practical things they could be doing as well. For example, if you are tired all the time, try to make it a point to find ways to get more sleep. Maybe, instead of going shopping (not groceries) six months postpartum, you should stay at home and take a nap when the baby naps. In those rare moments that you do feel up to it, let your husband know, don’t make him guess just to get rejected all the time. Actually make the first move once in a while to let him know you still love him, it would go along way to helping him understand the times you don’t feel like it. Try to put the baby down some during the day if it feels like you need space. Holding the baby all day long is not necessary or particularly as helpful or loving as you might think.

    Here’s a few more, when your not feeling like it, don’t go to bed in your underwear. Try to keep your outfit a little less ‘sexy’. Stop sending the signals that are only going to frustrate your husband. If you come to bed in little to nothing because you don’t feel like getting on PJs, don’t expect your husband to get the right signal from that.

    Generally, you need to think about what your actions are saying or are not saying a little bit. If you’ve been shopping all day and have no time for your husband, do you really think he won’t notice?

    1. Thanks for your comment! This article was written specifically for men, as I see this question asked a fair bit. So it’s not a place to include suggestions for women – that would need another article altogether.

  36. Hi all, like most I guess IV landed on this tread hoping to feel like a person (man) who is in a relationship with their partner. Mainly after a child comes in the picture. Also that as man it’s come to this point that IV ended up here (online) is a obvious sign of desperation or attempt to once again hoping to feel like a person in a relationship is ,only to save one or/and tring to save one. She may not know IV come to this point that iam on line writing a comment but it’s not like IV not spoke To her bout my feeling many time n many ways. Poured my heart out to how I feel. Reminding her how much Iove her n trying out most of the ideas mentioned above. Point is I’m trying to do something about the fact y she is not interested in sex for the sake of keeping my family together. My b iam the problem I need to fix. Only cause it’s what I want. Which is her and keep my family. Buts also come to a point were I can’t stop thinking that is it what she also wants or not. Is she trying to help us in any way. Same person b4 the child would climb a mountain for you without you even saying n so would hv I. Not any more but if it was some one else than would she again. But it seems that after a child is there ,man are taken for granted n Their balls squeezed for any needs or desires they once had in the relationship , or the child who also is theirs. To a point a men is mentally n emotionally , and in some cases violently abused after having a child with a women. All happiness n desires suddenly needs to b approved which not always straight away for a man , other wise the sence of loosing it child and the mother, which fraustrtes you yet you still there to love. The law is a bitch and very unfair. Which is y this happens. That’s Ohara story. To get back to the point again most blokes sex was good b4 the child and it still is when it very rarely happens. I admit I may not b lasting as I used to b4 but when it’s stretched out ,there will always b a slingshot affect I guess. Not to say I’m in n out. I also make sure she has a good time so she would agree to it more often and Mayb once in a while inniciate it. Although that is hard to imagine anymore. I can’t say I know what it feels like to carry a child inside for nine months and giving birth since Iam not a woman n I admit It must b very very difficult. And respect to all the mothers but I do understand raising a child from month or so to near teens. Which is not easy at all but not impossible as there are millions of mother who gave birth more than once. . I think what this topic says what it’s meant to b about , dads to understand their partners after birth. And for generally man to read. Although I noticed wemon are just as much or more interested in this then man. Tells me wemon know exactly were the real issue is n how guilty they are. and no offence, like most of the time justify by defending them selves were they don’t have to. Feeling better about what they doing to their own desperate husbands by reading bout what their hubby’s should b doing , and not worry their mans understanding their needs as they also play a important role in the child and family , household in general. Which is how to treat your woman if ya want something from her. Narrow it down ,, whole list of to do n not do’s for a man to feel loved for 5 mins. Not a day but a week and a month is still acceptable for many. I personally be great fully happy if was in between but month is liveable at this stage. Just for the sake of knowing that you are in a relationship still. Ultimately I know I would be more freaking happy instead of being down and depressing the home. Grumpy n moody. Gv me 5 mins baby n see me very productive around the house and at work , not for few mins but for up to month. That is all. Not make us a feel like we are a prisoner in this relation ship and us having to go this far to find answers.. Only to still find wemon complaining here as well. As the wise person once said. “Treat a person as you want to be treated”. Sorry but Im sure the person was a male. Other wise it would hv stopped at as you want. We also hv hearts and souls n believe it or not we also hv feelings. and we not all Horrible assholes just because we hoping to get some action for the better of everyone around us. As we refer as our family. Doesn’t mean we don’t love you and you horrible and the child IS A MISTAKE. Most likely it’s because of the love for “OUR ” child is y we still with you and supprisingly still love you and trying to do something about keeping it together. We ask one thing which takes not long n revive a list from you guys with the law by you side to make us feel really helpless. Very secure and loved isn’t it. Yet still such a big ask? I kept asking my self it over and over and landed here for answers only to put a comment after reading the whole thing. Only to now ask more questions. Such as if wemon wanted sex from their man , n man was not in the mood. How long would they wait. ? Would they try help n find probs in them to help him or how long b4 she is strangely found some friends she reguraly is out coffee with. May b looking better than b4 but clearly not for you. Mayb the phone is not lying around anymore. How long b4 the signs are clear ladies. Would you wait 2 years after making you man waiting that long and now he’s just lost every desire. Only to loose a lot lot more now. Not intended to offend but that’s how I see things to be. Equal rite .. Ye right

  37. need i say more..its as if i am the one who wrote this…just shared it on my facebook page…thank you. you are a Godsend

  38. Thank you for this article. I almost cried reading it. Our daughter is almost 14 months old and we didn’t have sex yet, not even once. Let’s see if helping her would help

  39. Maybe this article should be titled “it’s all the mans fault”… This is Bs. You’re saying that after a sexless pregnancy, a sexless post pregnancy and throughout the breastfeeding process, the woman shouldn’t try? I’m sorry but ownership of this issue goes BOTH ways. My wife and I have serious struggles with this because even after menstruating became normal, the sex was rare… Felt like my partner was finally rolling up her sleeves to do a chore in her to do list and you want to poke fun at being “a car theif” but how about the embarrassment for the men. We have to jump through hoops, we can never truly empathize with everything that has to take place for the miracle of birth… And our drive stays.m the same… So after a month or months, it finally happens, she going to do the chore on her to do list and its over quick because it’s been a while. And it’s over quick every time because it’s always been a while… That’s not something that should be against the men. Yet another reason not to do the chore. I’m not insensitive to the issue and what all mothers go through is incredible in both positive and painful ways but to not share the responsibility in keeping a sexually active marriage is bs. My wife and I were very sexually active and at this point I’ve been asked to take take a two year hiatus with no end in sight. If this rant seems angry or frustrated you can take a guess as to why. Honestly I hope women out there are reading this and not just men because, though I would never act on it, this has created serious desires to seek fulfillment elsewhere. I am not a cheater and I won’t let this situation make me one but the desire is there and it wasn’t before. Something to chew on while you’re asking your husbands do do all of the stuff on this list here.

  40. It’s funny how women are quick to point out that “you are not a real man” if you want to have sex or are mad about not having sex when that’s what defines us as humans. None of us would be here if it wasn’t for our fathers sex drive.
    IMO you aren’t a real woman if you just ignore your husbands needs and don’t allow him to have sex with other women. EVERYONE has time for a quick BJ a couple of times a week. If you aren’t doing that then you should be OK with him going out and finding it on his own.

  41. I bawled my eyes out reading this, I still am.
    Everything has been put into the words that I couldn’t find for myself. The emotions, thoughts, everything.
    I’ve felt so alone on this issue, finding this article has assured me that I’m not.

    Thank you so much for writing this.

  42. I noticed a lot of the comments are unrelated to the article. The article is about women not wanting sex after having a baby. It has been a long time but I remember my husband wanting sex almost immediately after I gave birth. I was high risk and had very lengthy labor, 48 hours with two of my children and 18 hours with one which was rushed to a crash cart because of a bowel movement inside and the doctor couldn’t get her to breath. I gave in to sex two weeks after, I was still bleeding, I did not find it enjoyable but instead very uncomfortable. My body was still recovering from a traumatic experience. If a man truly loves his woman he will give her time to adjust and heal after child birth. Even if it takes 6 months. Not all woman bounce back quick after child birth. There are a multitude of damages to the woman’s body from child birth that need time to heal. What would happen if a hammer was slammed down on a mans penis several times. Two days later he is still swollen and sore and unable to perform sexually. His woman is inconsiderate of his situation and wants sex. Relationships are NOT all about libido. When you love and care for someone you know how to maintain self control not run around like a dog in heat. That’s what separates humans from animals but seems to have become a trait of the past.

  43. What a lot of patronising drivel. My partner does not fall into any one of those excuses, for her, being disinterested is a power play – admitted by her.

    1. Hey Barry, thanks for your comment. I don’t think every single person has exactly the same situation, partner, experience, childhood, thinking or behaviour – we’re not carbon copy robots 🙂 So your partner’s experience and processes are one person. Research backs that even when not a parent, lack of sleep inhibits libido. I’m sure there are things in your life that impact yours? And whatever that might be, may be different for others. That’s the beauty of life – we’re all unique.

  44. I just want to put this out here. Many women rip during birth. From the exterior things may have healed correctly but from the interior if there is a scar sex will actually irritate it and cause severe discomfort and pain for the woman. Doctors only recently are proposing women go to PT to get rid of the raised scar and strengthen the pelvic floor. This is a much bigger deal then it sounds! Also, it’s not like a woman wasn’t complelty comfortable during pregnancy. Both of you probably suffered. It’s a season in life. If she had ppd and takes an ssri that too can sexually numb you. Your wife gave birth to your child, this is one of the most vulnerable times in her life to stray away or threaten her will do no good either. I highly receomrmd you both going together to the dr and a sex therapist. Low libido effects almost all grown women after birth. Sadly there isn’t a pill to take and although you may not believe it your wife is probably aware of your feelings and also in distress and freaking and feeling inadequate bc her body isn’t functioning to meet your needs. Both parties suffer. Work together

  45. Have an affair! I did and worked wonders. I love my wife but after 24months with no sex, iI gave up. Our relationship is healthy! She has no pressure placed on her, and i continue to be there for the family and her. While I have had a few partners now over the last 12months, I think it has been good for us. No she is not aware, but if she became aware I would accept the relationship terminating as I can not be in one that is sexless – even though I’m in love with her!

    I love her to bits but I also have needs, and naturally my mental state had to be considered as our sex life was going no where.

    1. You are a f***head. What kind of person are you. Cheating on your wife because she is traumatised and doesn’t want to have sex because she had YOUR baby!!!!!!!!!!!

  46. Interesting piece. I came here after another night has wound up with her retiring to bed before I can even try to initiate. We have been married four plus years and together five plus years. Things were great initially in our marriage but since about year two things dried up on us. Our son is about 8 months old and I can count the times we have had sex since his birth on one hand. Before he came there was probably about the same amount of times during the pregnancy, so to say this has been a rough 17 Months is missing the point.

    Since the beginning of our relationship, I’ve been a big physical touch person. Holding hands, kissing, cuddling, etc. Losing the ultimate physical intimacy factor in our relationship has hurt. I’ve actually grown kind of numb to it and have ignored it. I play the “sex probability game in my head” most nights and actually figure my odds are low and just take care of myself. I’d love to talk with her about it and get some kind of commitment from her on it, but I know she’s turn it around on me on things I may not be doing for her, so I don’t dare try.

    I still love her very much and we still enjoy each other on a daily basis. We just are missing this one piece of our relationship. Nothing will ever come between us and I will never ever seek out to fulfill my needs with someone else, but I got to wonder when things will get better.

  47. This is definately written by a woman to men. I understand men have to be patient and supporting, but I have experience with marriage counselors and the #1 tip they give is for BOTH the man and woman to understand the needs of the other and that often means putting yourself out there to make them fee loved and needed, even when you don’t want to.

    If you focus solely on yourself or the baby, your marriage/relationship could easily end up with irreparable damage which will filter down to the children. If you don’t have a healthy relationship with your spouse, how do you have a healthy relationship model for your children?

    Women need to seriously understand that withdrawing from sexual relations can cause men to find it elsewhere, I’m not talking an affair, but maybe it’s or more easily now porn. And recent studies have shown that porn can actually also hurt relationships. To some men porn can be a drug, it starts off simply, but then the typical stuff becomes boring and ineffective, next you want something more hardcore which can manifest itself into physical relations. Soon the man can find sex boring, wanting to do things that makes the woman uncomfortable. And then you have a willing wife, but a man who now wants different things and you are at square one. It sounds far fetched, but I’ve seen it happen more times than I would care to see and have talked about it with a psychologist as it was a path I was going down. If men get into exercise as an out, some men can get addicted to endorphins and exercise becomes their sex.

    Then there is also the chance of a sexual power struggle. To men, sex helps define “manliness” and men may move to not asking or change going the dialogue to, I don’t get it because I dont want it. These are psychological realities of the male mind,they do the apply to all men, but a large number. Men will eventually give up on chasing it and that becomes a self-esteem and depression issue.

    Women need to understand that often the male is just as tired as the woman and will also be under extra stress and being the sole bread winner and having a new dependent.

    I can’t reiterate how important it is for a woman to understand the needs of their men and not feign interest (or disinterest in many cases). A healthy relationship is both people helping each other.

    1. Hey Jai,

      Thanks for your comment! I realise the importance of men hearing from other men, so I have recommended articles about sex after birth written by men. Try this one by father, Jared Osborne for starters.

      Sleep deprivation and burnout is a massive sex drive killer, and partner resentment and/or pressure on top of that adds a nail into the coffin. It’s really hard to find truly good therapists, let alone those who specialise in sex issues after the birth. BellyBelly has three we recommend who do lots of work in that area. Their amazing advice is all featured here: https://bellybelly.com.au/relationships/struggling-to-reclaim-intimacy-libido-after-baby-amazing-advice/.

  48. Guys never help too much in house like cleaning, cooking or washing, women see it as a weakness and will not respect you anymore. Do your job at work and play with the kid when you home and dont beg for sex. She will start thinking about it why u dont want it anymore and often forces herself becouse of fears of divorce or cheat. If she does not, its her fault not yours and you will have 2 options live in this mess or seperate

    1. Actually there are many studies that find dads who help out with the chores more end up having more sex (like in the article here). However if there are bigger or deeper issues in the relationship, which could be anything from money to lack of emotional connection, then it’s hard to give advice for everyone. If anything, I would suggest doing your own personal growth and development, even if your partner won’t, because you’ll either learn how to deal with issues better, see areas where you actually do need to improve, or decide that you’re not a match for your partner. Either way, you’re moving forward and not stagnant, in the blame game.

  49. Thank you for writing this.

    For me it’s very different. I am the one with a high libido and I also have sexual abuse in my history.

    Sex after birth for me is mingled with fear of abandonment, shame, guilt, and trauma that normally isn’t an issue.

    It doesn’t help that I gave in and had sex way too soon after our first child, when I had a very long and difficult birth that included stitches. My stitches weren’t healed yet when we had sex and it was very painful. He didn’t notice it was painful or didn’t care, maybe because it was worse toward the end when he got more excited.

    It was so horrible that it affected me after every subsequent birth.

    To make matters what during our previous pregnancy I opened up and told him all of this and said that I really didn’t want to have sex this time.until at least 6 weeks.

    He seemed to understand and agreed but I still wanted to do other sexual things without penetration because I love and really desire my husband.

    Unfortunately, he slipped his penis in despite me being on top and all I could do was freeze up. I was in pain and he again didn’t notice at first. It was the worst betrayal I’ve ever experienced. He did eventually stop but instead of being sorry he blamed me. He said, I was in control the whole time etc.

    It had only been 3 weeks and I was not even able to wipe using toilet paper yet. That’s how painful it was. I didn’t have any stitches and he said that because of that it should have been fine. He apparently had decided without asking me ahead of time.

    God… I’m shaking now and can’t stop crying.

    Our new baby is just a few weeks old and I know that I can never trust my husband like I used to ever again. Now I feel like I can’t give him any kind of sexual attention because he violated me and then blamed me for it.

    I don’t see how things will ever be the same again.

    I was hoping to read comments from men who read this article and now get it.

    Instead, I’m left chilled.

    All these horrible insensitive men on this thread are just a reminder that you never truly know your husband’s real nature.

  50. I am so glad that I found this article today. I have been struggling with this issue since my son was born a little over a year ago. My wife and I had an honest talk this morning that prompted me to seek out some help online. Almost everything in this article was a mirror image of our life. But now I know what changes to make. Thanks

    1. Awesome Dorian! I hope things improve from here – they certainly have a much better chance now you’re taking some positive action. If you find a really good counsellor/coach, the sky is the limit. Good on you!

  51. Is this written by a woman that knows nothing of what a guy is going through!? I read the whole thing and it’s everything I’ve done and all the information I knew already! This is not informational at all and I’m in the same place I’ve ever been!

    1. Feel free to read the articles linked at the end written by men. I’m telling her side of the story and giving a few ideas of possibilities and what to try. They are telling it from a man’s perspective.

  52. Nice article but after reading your article about men not wanting to have sex with their wives, I think it is fair to say the men angle is being quite underrated. Your other article ends with the suggestion that after going through the scenarios and nothing works, the woman should remember it’s the man’s issue not their. I see no such suggestion in this article. It is unfortunate but true that sex is how we men communicate and evaluate love. To no have sex is to feel unwanted especially when it goes one for a long time after birth. It feels unfair to be told that only your wife needs matter. (Judging from both articles)

  53. Unfortunately, I find myself in this exact situation. Honestly, I did not want our child. We were both being careless and not using protection, when I found out I was pregnant I immediately suggested we get an abortion as I have NEVER wanted children. He begged, cajoled, manipulated, and threatened me into having our baby, even going so far as to call me a “baby killer” and say that I was “sending him to hell” because if I went forward with it his Christian God would hold him responsible for letting it happen and send him to hell as a murderer. He suggested taking the baby himself, but I was clear that I would not bring a child into this world just to pawn off the responsibility of caring for it to someone else. It is not my baby’s fault and they should not have to grow up missing a parent because I brought them into this world then wouldn’t step up.

    During the pregnancy, I did everything as far as research for the baby and picking out baby things, etc. We had a one bedroom apartment and he works a lazy delivery job that didnt even provide enough for us before the baby. He was supposed to get a new job so we could move to a place where the baby could have her own room, but he just slept every day until work, didn’t even try. When the baby came, we were and still are in my small one-brdroom apartment. We have a child and three cats plus the two of us living in two rooms.

    The idea of childbirth has always terrified me, I wanted a fully medicated birth, but the baby came so quickly, I did not have time for any medication at all. I experienced every moment of pain I have always been so terrified of. I exclusively breastfeed and our baby is very clingy, if you put her down she screams and screeches. He does not help much around the house, even if he says he will do something, it probably doesn’t get done for weeks, if at all. I usually end up doing it myself or it doesn’t get done. I spend all day and night with the baby, even in the hospital he slept on the couch in the room the whole time I was there after the baby was born, would not sit up with her at night or really even change diapers.

    Now I’m the one who does any housework that gets done and does all caring for the baby. He started bugging me for sex before the six weeks was even up. It’s been going on 3 months and he’s now giving me ultimatums about sex, I am not even completely healed yet. He says I can at least give him a hand job or bj, but when I try then he says I’m not into it and he feels like I’m doing a chore. Well, that is how I feel! I’m not in the mood, I’m exhausted, I’m the only one up with the baby at night except maybe the last 2 nights I asked him to take her bc I just couldn’t do it anymore and he was awake anyways. He sleeps all night, sleeps all day before going to work, I do everything then he has the nerve to say I’m not into sex like I used to be. We used to not have a brand new baby! Mind you, we did not have a sexless pregnancy, only toward the end it did become less frequent (but didn’t stop) bc I was so big and it was very uncomfortable. He does not even have the excuse that he provides for us and I give nothing in return, we got behind on our rent and almost lost the apartment, my mom had to bail us out to the tune of nearly $1,200, then pay over half our rent for months after that. I paid our rent for months after he moved in with me when he promised upon moving in he would take it over, even after I was pregnant. When I got too pregnant to work, again, my mom paid 3 months of our rent. She is 78 and living on a fixed income. When he talked me into having the baby he told me he would support us and his family would help. Nothing but BS so far, his family has given us nothing but baby clothes, no monetary help even when we were about to get kicked out. I am not withholding sex bc of these issues, it’s bc I’m simply not healed enough, but the resentment does not help, that’s for damn sure. Why does he get to practically lead the same life he did before and demand I provide sex like I used to while I turned my life and body upside down FOR HIM and he won’t even take care of us and provide for our monetary needs? I got on food stamps and WIC and Medicaid to cut back our expenses and he still can’t manage to save the money we need to pay our rent or go out and get a better job. Must be nice to sleep all damn day then get mad at your partner for being tired bc they do everything, must be nice to live in la-la-land like that. All these men saying they will give sex somewhere else if she don’t give it, wow. Maybe consider what you may not be providing for her. I know it’s hard for me not to lose it when he says I’m not providing sex and he isn’t even paying the damn rent.

  54. This article makes me laugh because its written by a woman who is trying to make excuses for not keeping her man happy. What should the woman do for the man after them both having a baby? There should be compromise between the couple. All this article shows is that the woman is with the baby and the man has nothing to do with a baby really? We feed the kids dress the kids change the kids we also bring home the bacon for our families to have all the necessities “in most cases”. I feel like im adding fuel to this troll of a article that is totally one sided. It takes two to make a baby it also takes two to be a successful relationship.

  55. This article is one of the biggest jokes I have ever read. Since we had our baby my girl never wants to be intimate. And here I am trying to find an alternative to ending the relationship, and all I’m getting is do more and more and more while just waiting? Listen here (Woman who wrote the article);
    We went from a relationship where we had sex 5 times a week. To one where it never happens, and you tell me to be patient and do more?

    A:) From the beginning of our relationship I have beeen the only one of us with an income. She hadn’t worked in two years before we got together, and hasn’t made even an attempt since.
    B:) I have to do ALL of the cooking even after I get home from work. And I don’t mean just since baby, she has NOT ONCR cooked a meal in the entirety of our relationship. (Which I am usually okay with because I like cooking).
    C:) I also do the; laundry, dishes, and general house cleaning. (Okay, she will do dishes a couple times a week or maybe a load of laundry, maybe.)
    D:). When at home I ALWAYS get up in the morning with our daughter and let her sleep in as much as she pleases. Despite the fact that our daughter now sleeps through the night every night.
    E:) I am always willing to provide the constant massages she asks for. Always.

    And you say that it is my responsibility to be patient and understanding and DO MORE FOR HER?

    How about after I mention that she also has a serious issue with masturbation. Like if she even THINKS I have she has a fit following which she won’t speak to me for at least the rest of the day. (Something that only became an issue closer to birth when sex started to decrease in regularity.
    But of course Mrs. “Dads are Doormats” that wrote this article would probably try to spin that in her favour as well; What a selfish P.O.S*** a guy is to work 10 hour days, do the vast majority of the house work when he gets home and on weekends, do anything she asks pretty much, be the only one with an income, and actually think he deserves something in return once in a while. But no, even mention the subject and she literally has a fit.

    The worst things is that you’ll be hard pressed to find an article on this subject that isn’t written by a woman. And they all say essentially the same things; be patient, do more, wait and understand.
    Well I’ve come to the conclusion that I am likely going to be coming to a custody and support agreement in the near future because I’m at my wits end. I can’t go on giving everything I have to get nothing in return like all these articles suggest I should. You gotta draw the line between understanding the other persons point of view and being a doormat somewhere. And with so little help versus the repeated telling dads they’re wrong in these articles I figured I’d make a post on this last one I decided to read for other men before giving up for good.

    Listen guys:
    From the time you enter relationships you hear things like “relationships are two way streets” and “it requires give and take on both sides.” And in reality that is the truth, that is how it should be at least. But then you have a baby come online looking for non biased input that could be helpful and potentially salvage your relationship (if it’s to that point like in my case) and all you find are women telling men that she is 100% justified and you are 100% wrong, or at very least are a cold, uncaring P.O.S*** who needs to do more for your woman. Funny how the women writing these articles all seem to be under the assumption that you haven’t tried to understand and don’t do very much for your wife/girlfriend so therefore the problem lays very much on you to fix, eh?
    If you are already making an active effort to be as helpful as you can when you aren’t working your butt off to support them in the first place and have tried to talk about it but she would rather sit on her social media any chance she gets when the baby is sleeping or playing nearby, (Yeah, her phone gets all the attention while I HAVEN’T HAD A SOCIAL MEDIA ACCOUNT OF ANY KIND FOR AGES), then it may just be time to bring up the topic of separating. But civilly so that you can still remain communicative and decent enough with one another that you can continue to co-parent your child/children successfully through whatever shared custody agreement is reached. If you feel like you are giving everything to the point where you are empty but getting nothing back I would suggest you have this conversation sooner rather than later. This is because as time goes on you will get more frustrated and form other ideas in your mind of why she doesn’t want you, and with prolonged frustration comes the potential inability to effectively communicate in a high stress situation such as this. And despite the destruction of your relationship with your partner, they aren’t the only one affected here, and children are too important and precious to risk elevating a situation out of control and having it become a brutal battle that can only damage young kids.

    Anyways. That’s all from me. I can see when a relationship is no longer a relationship but a situation where one person is the doormat and is basically neglected while the other floats along with a smile. And I’m gonna have to do something about it.

    I just want to say I do wish there was more unbiased articles on this topic that would stand a chance of helping. All articles like this do is promote a dynamic where the woman is getting all the help she needs while the man is drowning in frustration and the feeling of being used and used, and completely unappreciated.
    But that is not the case and you will be stuck reading S*** like this over and over because according to these women, you are the one who has to make all the changes and do all the understanding.

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