10 Reasons Why She Doesn’t Want Sex After Having A Baby

10 Reasons Why She Doesn't Want Sex After Having A Baby

Grab a cuppa dads, this is going to be a long article.

This topic needs to be broken out in the open, because it’s a huge issue in the postnatal period for both women and men.

How you handle the issue of sex after childbirth can either do irreparable damage to your relationship or it can make it stronger than ever been before. The choice is up to you.

All it takes is your willingness to understand what is really going on for your partner, then demonstrating that understanding by converting it into words and actions.

Knowing is knowing; doing is understanding. So on that note willing men, let’s go…

Firstly: Know That It’s Highly Likely Not About You, Dad…

Its no secret… after having a baby, the frequency at which couples have sex usually takes a dive. The reasons for this are many and varied. Every woman — as well as her birth and parenting experience — is unique. As are the reasons for her non-existent libido after she’s had a baby.

Several of the below reasons may apply to your partner, but rest assured, its highly likely nothing at all to do with her losing love or attraction towards you. Nor will it last forever. You don’t need to go nuts at the gym and get buffed, wear your best aftershave or buy a spiffy new wardrobe at an attempt to get more sex. These things are expensive, time consuming (especially when she needs your time most of all) and it probably wont make one iota of difference in her libido. This is because it’s not what is causing her sex drive to bottom out in the first place.

Dad, I really feel for you! Your partner probably does too. Despite what you may think at times, new mothers are not trying to make their partners feel miserable by not giving them the sex that they (and most likely, we) miss. It’s really important not to get angry at her or blame her, because its not her fault that she feels this way. Remember this great quote from Elly Taylor, author of the brilliant book Becoming Us: “Resentment is a contraceptive, but gratefulness is a great aphrodisiac.”

After reading this article, talk with your partner and find out if any of these issues are affecting her. Then together, you can work out a solution for you both. Communication is crucial. Assumptions and grudges can be huge resentment builders on both sides.

A Disclaimer…

She’s just had a baby. So you’re going to get frustrated really quickly if you’re looking for a quick fix, or if you think that just one attempt at these remedies will be sufficient. You will need to do these things on a regular basis and be patient if you want things to improve.

It’s easy to get stuck in a trap of thinking that your life situation is horrible and is never going to end, but remember that everything in life is temporary. Nothing is permanent. If you keep focusing on how awful it is and believe its never going to end, it could cost you your relationship (and therefore money and many other things).

It’s important to understand that women and men are wired differently. While women may have unique personalities, they are wired for similar needs – especially during pregnancy, birth and in the postnatal period. Therefore, another relationship would likely present the very same problems. Thinking that another woman would be any different and give you all the sex you want, all the time, is just folly.

Losing yourself in how ‘unfair’ it is for you can be more costly than you think, when on the other hand, understanding and mastering this situation can be very rewarding, even future proofing your relationship. This postnatal period can be a very testing time – studies show it can be a time of conflict and break-ups. There is no need for her low libido to become an issue worth losing your relationship over, nor your beautiful baby living in a broken home. This is a time of great opportunity, for you to show your partner how much she means to you, by supporting, understanding and loving – and she will never forget it.

Yes, it takes two to work out relationship issues, but you’re here seeking help — so I am talking to you, dad. After reading this article, you then need to go back to her and work out a way forward.

Why She May Not Want Sex #1: She’s Knackered

According to a poll in the BellyBelly forums, the most significant reason why mothers feel disinterested in sex is a lack of sleep. Almost half of the women who responded said more sleep would make them feel like more sex.

Science backs them up too. A recent study published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine found that for each additional hour of sleep a woman has, it increased the likelihood of her having sex by 14%. They also found women with longer average sleep duration reported better genital arousal than women with shorter average sleep length.

The women in the study weren’t sleep deprived new mothers, so you can only imagine how much more significant the results would have been if the women in the study were new mothers. Either way, now we have proof that insufficient sleep can result in decreased sexual desire and arousal.

Being a new mother is physically and emotionally draining on so many levels. She may have low iron from the birth, she’s likely waking a great deal during the night and if you have other children, she’s probably chasing them around all day too. That’s not without trying to keep the house clean and meeting other obligations she may have — for example, working or studying from home.

People often suggest, ‘well just sleep when the baby sleeps!’ but going by that logic, should she clean when the baby cleans too? It just doesn’t work that way. When a mother gets that small window of baby sleep freedom, she often ends up putting herself and her needs last, and the to-do list first. A day with a baby can feel very unproductive, especially when there’s nothing to show for the hours of work that has been done.

“I’m so exhausted that I feel emotionally numb. I want to feel turned on, I want to feel sexual, but there is just nothingness — which is depressing. Without enough sleep — let alone me time — my cup is empty and I just can’t function. My basic needs as a woman and human being need to be met to be able to give more. Of course I want to make my partner feel desired. But when you function on autopilot, you do what you can just to make it through the day… then fall in a heap at night.”

HOW YOU CAN HELP: You need to help her get more sleep in any way you can. If she has no family or friends who can help out on a regular basis, you might like to hire a post-natal doula or get some other paid home help with your baby. If you have a spare room, you may like to consider a live-in nanny (au pair). This is a great option — you simply negotiate a weekly allowance with the nanny, which is reduced due to accommodation, food and other expenses. You can find experienced au pairs on many websites — often they are travelers taking working holidays. It works out cheaper than childcare, and it’s in your home, so mum doesn’t need to be away from baby.

If money is an issue, then you’re it dad. Depending on how old your baby is, you could take bub out for a walk for an hour, or out to visit your parents at home if they are closeby, or just occupy baby in between feeds, out of the earshot of mum. On the weekends, offer to be the first one to jump out of bed with baby and do the first shift so mum can sleep in. Or a great idea which most mothers would love is extra help with housework. I’ve heard so many mums say that the best foreplay for them is seeing their partner (happily!) doing the dishes!

Its always hard at first when babies are little, but it will get easier. Parenting is a joint affair – when you’re home with mum, remember you’re a dad, not a babysitter. You both need to share taking care of bub, because her day job is the baby, yours is work. When you’re together, be a team, and support her where you can so she has energy for other things you’d like to be doing… hint, hint.

Why She May Not Want Sex #2: She’s Had Someone On Her All Day

No, I am not talking about the milkman! This is one of the next biggest issues mothers face.

Don’t take it personally, dad, but after having a bub or toddler all over her all day, the last thing she may want is someone on her all night! Personal space can be huge factor for some mothers. They may feel like everyone wants a piece of their body when they have none for themselves. These women especially need more me time.

Some mothers describe it as feeling used, invaded and even violated. Yes, these are strong words, but remember, once when humans lived in communities, raising children involved the whole village. Everyone shared and helped out with responsibilities. New mothers have 40 days ‘laying in’ in some cultures, where mum is nurtured, cooked for and taken care of, while she gets her strength back from the birth. For many mothers these days, she’s alone for most of the day, even isolated. Its a huge problem going against what mothers need to thrive, dad. Its no wonder rates of post natal depression are so high.

Babies and young children love to be attached to their mothers, which is normal, healthy behaviour – they feel safe and this builds their self esteem, confidence and independence when this happens. However for mum, being clung to all day with no extra hands to take the load can result in sensory overload.

They can feel claustrophobic and wanting to repel anyone in their space. It’s like when ten people talk to you all at once and don’t stop. You just want to block your ears and shut it all out because it eventually becomes overwhelming – no matter who the people are and how much you love them, your senses are overload.

One BellyBelly member says: “I’m very much in the over-touched boat, and my husband touches me in a horny way all day. It drives me batty and has the opposite effect that he wants. It puts me off.”

Another BellyBelly member says: “Between co-sleeping, breastfeeding, being a pillow, a cuddle bear, and everything else, I crave that time where no one touches me. After a week of the girls been more needy than normal I honestly feel like I have been violated. And then by the time my husband is making his moves on me, I cringe because its another invasion of my privacy.”

Some mothers actually do want to be touched, but its the type of touching that counts:

“I want touch, hugs etc, but I can do without the constant bum or boob grabbing, or the feeling that every hug must lead somewhere.”

Some women experience traumatic births and as a result, may not want to be touched. If this is the case for your partner, it’s important that she seeks help to work through her birth trauma. Professional birth de-briefers do fabulous work as well as counsellors who specialise in this field.

HOW YOU CAN HELP: Find ways to take the baby off her hands whenever you can. Play with the baby while she has a break or cooks dinner or has a shower. Talk to her about scheduling regular dad and baby time each week. Alternately getting some help from friends, family or paid help during the day can help. Reclaiming some of her personal space by having regular baby-free time will make a massive difference to her – and your relationship. Some mothers may want to be close to their baby, some may want to get out the house, even just to do some shopping – talk about what she’d like most of all.

Why She May Not Want Sex #3: She’s Suffering From Depression

If your partner is suffering from depression, this can affect her mood, energy and sex drive. Unfortunately, post natal depression does affect many women, so if your partner is suffering from depression or you suspect she may be, it might be time to get some professional help and advice. Check out our article for men: Post Natal Depression and Your Partner.

Why She May Not Want Sex #4: She’s Afraid of Painful Sex

Unfortunately, some births don’t work out as we hoped. Childbirth can leave women in physical pain or with damage to the most delicate, feminine parts of their bodies. Many weeks or even months may pass, with her being fearful of stirring up any damage. Let alone worrying about how it all looks after the birth! These fears alone can be enough to shut up shop. This can become a psychological issue, because when she finally decides to have sex for the first time, she may be so worked up that it does cause pain.

One new mother says: “The idea of us having sex after the birth of our first child absolutely terrified me. I was more nervous than I was for my first time. The actual act wasn’t too bad — it didn’t hurt, but for me it was the emotional side of sex that had me worried… and the fear that it would hurt.”

HOW YOU CAN HELP: If she’s had any damage or repair work after the birth, its a good idea to get the midwife or doctor’s advice on when to approach sex, just to be sure. Other than that, you need to be patient while she recovers physically and emotionally. Let her know that you’re supporting her and will be ready when she’s ready.

If you are finding it difficult to cope with, keep the lines of communication open with her, and tell her that you’re having problems so you can work out a solution together. Sex doesn’t always have to be penetrative or vaginal, so find ways to nurture and love each other without that part.

Touch and skin to skin contact is so important, so find a way to do that as best you can. When you agree to resume sex, be sure to use plenty of lube in case she is tender or nervous, and keep talking. You may like to suggest seeing a sex therapist if the issue has become psychological.

Why She May Not Want Sex #5: She May Have Dyspareunia (Pain During Intercourse)

It may surprise you that its not just vaginal birth which can result in painful intercourse. A study on ‘A comparison of urinary and sexual outcomes in women experiencing vaginal and caesarean births’ (Klein MC, Kaczorowski J, Firoz T, Hubinette M, Jorgensen S, Gauthier R.) found the following results:

“Overall, both primiparous (first baby) and multiparous (subsequent babies) women who had intact perineums after vaginal birth had less dyspareunia (pain during intercourse) than those undergoing caesarean section. Vaginal birth 26.2% compared to caesarean section 40.7%.”

A mother says: “I had a caesarean for my first and the pain from sex was unbearable for six months. The second birth was an instrumental vaginal birth with a nasty episiotomy on my unstretched perineum (ouch!) and sex was uncomfortable for about 4 months.”

HOW YOU CAN HELP: As per the above point, time and patience is key with this one. Seek help from a therapist if its causing relationship issues. But especially where pain is involved, pushing your partner for sex is only going to leave you feeling more rejected, when thats not what she wants for you to feel. She needs your understanding and support.

Why She May Not Want Sex #6: She’s Breastfeeding

What the heck does breastfeeding have to do with sex?! As disappointed as you might be hearing this, but: mother nature is very, very clever. After a baby is born, she makes sure everything is geared towards baby’s survival. Hormones are working beautifully to make sure milk is feeding your baby – as well as preventing a pregnancy too soon. However as wonderful as this sounds, these hormones are not pro-libido.

Yes, there is a biologically normal, justified reason why her libido is on vacation, and just for fun, this is why she may also be experiencing vaginal dryness. Vaginal dryness can make sex uncomfortable, painful and can even do some damage. You can find out more information about this in our article on breastfeeding and libido.

Please do not ask your partner to give up breastfeeding for the sake of your sex life! Her libido will return when her hormones build up to levels high enough to start ovulating and menstruating again, which is when it will likely be more like normal.

It is so important that a breastfeeding relationship is supported and nurtured. It’s laying the foundations for your baby’s health for the rest of his or her life, protecting baby from illness, infection and contains many wonderful ingredients for health. See an impressive list of what’s in breastmilk and what’s in formula.

It can be really hard for a woman when she cant ever seem to feel turned on or horny. It’s like a switch flicked off – as much as she may want to, it just doesn’t happen. Some mums say, “I want to want to!”

We want to enjoy sex like we used to, feeling all yummy, pleasured up and turned on. It is a concern shared by both men and women.

WHAT YOU CAN DO: Firstly, if you do have sex, be sure to use lots of lube. Dry sex, even if just a little bit lubricated, can be irritating or painful. Show concern for her by taking initiative and using it on her, telling her if she needs more to let you know. Secondly, some mothers say that sex after a baby is a bit like going to the gym – when you get motivated enough to get there, you are glad that you did.

I am not saying you need to convince her, push her or force her – absolutely not on. But being kind and attentive, putting her first and doing little things for her that she likes, can go a long way here. If you can spark a little something then you may find she is receptive. Remember, women take a great deal more time to warm up than a man, with or without a baby.

A man can be ready and up for it in two minutes flat – on average, a woman needs 20 minutes. So take your time with her, focus on giving her pleasure, reminding her how good it feels, starting with everywhere apart from her vagina and work your way in.

Why She May Not Want Sex #7: Low Self Esteem

After a mother has had a baby, she may already be concious that she’s put on weight, and on top of that, her shape has changed. That beautiful round belly that everyone thought was adorable has transformed into what she may see as saggy, squishy, jelly belly.

A mother’s post-baby shape isn’t one that rates highly in society, nowhere near as much as it should. Everywhere she turns, she may see images of something she is not and may find it hard to understand how she could look sexy or beautiful to you. When a mother is anxious or stressed about her appearance (which is extremely common in post-natal mothers), the last thing she tends to be able to do is feel like a sex kitten and ravish you (or be ravished) in the bedroom. She may feel ashamed and worried about what you’re thinking of her body.

One BellyBelly member says: “I feel so unsexy after having a baby. I’m all stretched and saggy, I’m bigger, I’m tired so hair and makeup is minimal if done at all. PJs and trackies are the norm. It makes a huge difference when hubby makes me feel sexy. When he kisses me in “that way”, when he touches me as he passes. If I feel like he thinks I’m sexy I start to feel it myself.”

WHAT YOU CAN DO: Remind your partner how much you love her and how beautiful she is. Let her know (in a non-horny way) that you love and adore her. When she feels your genuine loving comments, she will likely open up a great deal more. If you make comments like, ‘so when are you getting back to the gym’ or, ‘are you sure you should be eating that?’, she’s going to think her appearance is an issue for you. It took months to put on the weight of pregnancy, she needs months to slowly get back into things.

Give her massages and other non-sexual acts where you are enjoying other parts of her body. Maybe tell her what you love about that part of her as you go along. Even if it’s not perfect, who cares, I am sure you can find many things that are beautiful about your partner. Show her that you’re looking beyond external appearances.

Other things can effect a mother’s self esteem include depression, isolation, loneliness – so if this may be the case for your partner, you might like to suggest some things to help her connect with others, get help and so on.

Why She May Not Want Sex #8: Are You A Car Thief?

You know, gone in 60 seconds?! Well, it might not be 60 seconds, but you get my drift.

Say she does feel like having sex, and you’ve been gagging at the opportunity. Then when it happens, its all over in a flash, leaving your partner feeling used and her own needs unimportant. She may feel like it’s another demand on her body, giving to others without it being returned.

What incentive are you giving her to want more sex with you? Some mothers say that combined with the low or no libido from breastfeeding, she couldn’t be bothered having sex. When the pleasure is all yours, don’t expect her to be a repeat customer too soon.

After giving all day, she needs someone giving to her too. Did you take time to kiss her and hold her? Stroke her hair? Did you touch all of her body, not just her hot spots that you want to enjoy – her boobs and vagina? How about a massage first or something else she likes?

A resource I recommend to my male friends (and their partners), is the work of Jason Julius. Now I apologise because the landing page of his website here uses strong language, but what he teaches is effective and not pick-up artist style. It is not pornographic in nature, nor does it contain any nudity. But it offers some very effective tips for giving women great orgasms, as well as a guided meditation to relax her.

If sex is more enjoyable for her and you know how to press all her buttons, she may want it more often. When she has an orgasm, she gets a shot of oxytocin – the hormone of love and bonding. Orgasms are beneficial for physical and mental health in both men and women.

HOW CAN YOU HELP: Focus on her more. Make sex about her, not you. And trust when she’s gotten her mojo back, she will make it more about you too. For those who are thinking it, yes, sex is a two way street, but you’re reading this article seeking help how to fix your situation, right? I’ve also got advice for women too, but since you’re wanting to know how to help, here it is! She just needs a little nudge in the right direction because her body isn’t priming or encouraging her to want sex right now.

Why She May Not Want Sex #9: She’s On Contraceptives

Pharmaceutical contraceptives, especially the pill, are well known to reduce libido – and that’s without even having a baby or factoring in all the above other issues. No wonder she’s not interested!

One BellyBelly member says: “I had been on the pill my entire adult life until after having my first baby. Once my period came back and my libido came with it I lamented all those years of lost libido I had on the pill. I’d never take it again.”

HOW CAN YOU HELP: Trying to avoid another pregnancy too soon (or at all) is a really tricky issue to deal with. If you’re done having children, have you thought about offering to have a vasectomy? It saves your partner from having to take medication which involves health risks and has side effects, and a similar operation for her is more complicated.

Or if you plan on having children in the future, have you looked at natural fertility management? Looking at another form of contraceptive is a great idea, low libido or not. Hormones that are not supposed to be in the body normally pose risks. Here are 6 effective alternatives to the pill.

Why She May Not Want Sex #10: She Wants Your Presence

Men and women are very different, so don’t assume what you would want is what she would want.

Women are wired for connection. Most women need connection before they can have sex, whereas men need sex to feel connected. So while a man may feel resentful that he isn’t getting the sex he craves to feel connected (or even loved), she may resent that he isn’t connecting with her and making her feel loved – which leads to an increased desire to have sex. Therefore, you have a stalemate, and because she is also tired and the above issues come into play, sex goes nowhere.

In the BellyBelly poll, one of the runner-up reasons for not having as much sex was because mothers wanted more affection or quality time with their partners.

New mothers (and no doubt fathers) feel a sense of disconnect, which is understandable to happen when a baby is on the scene. But it’s important to fix this as quickly as you can to prevent any problems from occurring or getting worse.

Being a mother is a very giving, nurturing role taking care of another – just like a bank account, if you keep making withdrawals, you’ll end up bankrupt. Her needs for connection are important, so focus on ways to help her feel connected with you. A big way you can do this is face to face communication. Little things make a difference too – for example sending her loving texts during the day, making calls to see how she’s going, but whatever you do, make it a priority to include some undivided face time.

I read a comment about this topic on a page of Facebook, where a mother posted something like, ‘At the end of the day, I am tired and touched out and he expects me to perform like a seal for him in the bedroom. A little affection and attention during the day would be nice.’

HOW YOU CAN HELP: You can help by giving her your undivided attention, without distractions – even just for 10 minutes after work or while the baby sleeps. Of course, aim for more than this if you can. Turn the tv off and ask her how she’s going, how her day was, how she’s finding motherhood, what her concerns are, what she’s enjoying about being a mother – anything that shows that you’re interested in HER and her answers. My partner and I sometimes talk while giving each other a foot massage by sitting at opposite ends of the couch, which keeps us face to face too.

There isn’t much else as sexy as a man who can give his presence to his woman – it builds her trust and safety with you. So to accomplish this, it means shutting off the thoughts in your head, being open to listen, minimising or getting rid of distractions and focusing on her. When she feels your focused energy in this way, she feels safe to open up to you and loved. Heck, she may be more inclined to jump your bones according to our poll! If you’re interested, you might like to get involved in some mens groups – they teach things like the important of presence (being masculine) and mastering all areas of your life. There are some great groups around – I seriously recommend it if you want to bring your best self to your woman, family, job and life purpose for yourself.

Why Pushing Her For Sex Wont Get You What You Want

One common complaint women have is that their partners will do something that they really appreciate, for example, give them a massage – then push for sex so it becomes like a trade – ’I’ll do something nice for you if you give me sex’. Some women feel pressured by their partners, some daily, which not only builds resent, but also makes them back even further away. What she needs are your acts of kindness and nurturing – unconditionally, because you love her and care for her, not because you’re hoping to get sex for it. It’s like having a best mate who only comes to your dinner parties for the food then leaves. It leaves a bad taste in your mouth, and the more it happens, the more you start to question if you’ll invite them again.

Or, imagine that you’re really stressed at work – your boss has been on your back all day and you’re completely exhausted, with a really big headache. You look forward to going home, having a shower then getting an early night. But you come home, your partner is bubbling over and wants to invite family over for dinner. You’re just not in the headspace right now, but she’s insistent that it wont be too much trouble, and she’ll do all the work so you can relax and not be burdened. But you sit there at the table, in an almost zombie-like state, just wanting to get some sleep. It really is a mood killer.

With the wrong approach, you wont get the outcome you hope for, and put pressure on your relationship, which can be quite damaging for some couples.

A book I highly recommend is The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, which has sold millions of copies around the world and has saved countless relationships. Just like we speak different languages, we love in languages too. For example, a woman may grow up in a household where she saw her mother cook beautiful meals for her husband and keep a spotless home. Her mother channelled all her love into a language called ‘acts of service.’ Where in some other households, ‘touch’ is important – another love language. So this may come into play with how she wants to be loved right now. Whatever language she and you have adopted, knowing (and then speaking) your partner’s language can unlock a big mystery.

A Mention For Diet And Exercise

This is something important to discuss and plan together. It’s so much better eating nourishing, nutrient dense foods, while avoiding quick, easy processed junk food. Processed foods, sugars and grains will make both of you feel flat and lead to illness.

How’s her diet and water intake? Especially if she’s a breastfeeding mamma, make sure the fridge is stocked with plenty of healthy, nutritious foods, especially quick and easy things she can grab for a snack. Fibre, veggies, leafy greens, protein and good fats (containing omegas) are important and can make a difference to her wellbeing, libido and mood. If you have time, prepare some snacks for her before you go to work – or hold the baby so she can. Healthy, ready made soups or snacks like carrot sticks, almonds, salads, cut up fruit etc are great. Add chia seeds into the diet, swap cooking oils for coconut oil and these will help nourish her too. Far too many mothers skip meals, including breakfast, which is detrimental to energy levels and breastmilk production. Breastfeeding mothers need hundreds of more healthy calories each day for breastmilk production.

If she seems particularly tired (despite expected tiredness from lack of sleep) but is eating well, it may be worthwhile getting her iron levels checked, especially if she had a traumatic birth or lost a fair bit of blood. Ask for the ferritin level, and a full thyroid screen may also uncover some common reasons for fatigue and lack of libido that doesn’t shift.

Make sure she’s drinking plenty of water. Good quality water is very important, especially when breastfeeding. If the body’s cells are hydrated, they have more energy, and while breastfeeding, you need more water for breastmilk production. Not drinking enough can result in fatigue, lowered milk supply, constipation and other health problems. Unfortunately most water we drink is not as healthy as we think. Everyone can benefit from investing in a great water system and drinking filtered water.

Exercise can also increase energy levels, help with depression, anxiety and back pain. You might like to suggest gentle walks with her after work or on weekends, given that she has cleared her recovery time and is well. Just half an hour a day can make a difference – and if you go with her, it provides a great opportunity for some connection time.

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Last Updated: May 12, 2016

CONTRIBUTOR

Kelly Winder is the creator of BellyBelly.com.au, a doula, writer and mother to three awesome children. Currently, she's travelling the world for 12 months with her partner and children, and hopes to inspire more families to do the same. Visit aroundtheworldpluskids.com.au for more information.


64 comments

  1. i support this web page but part of me dont because i literly do alot for my partner and sometimes i get upset because it seems like i love her more than she loves me. i cook, i clean, pay rent, bills and give her numerous breaks from our 2 year old, plus every time we have sex i pleasure her and myself. i never make sex about only her or only my self but i make sure we both enjoy our selfs. im a handsom guy with a fun personality. for some reason my sons mom has just not been giving me any play in the bed room. i tell her i love her everyday. i compliment her alot. i cook her good delicious food. i dont cheat on her. i literly do alot for this women but for some reason in the bed at night when i ask for us to make love she says NO 🙁
    i love this women so much and she loves me too but our sex life suck now after our first baby. im going to be honest im not your averge joe when it comes to penis size. i do have a big you know what but before, that didnt stop us from having enjoyable romantic sex. i think that some women are just difficult and dont care about what anyone thinks or how anyone feels about their behavior or choices sometimes. im a good man i deserve to have gental soft warm romantic sex with my partner. theres women out there in the world that complain about how selfish men are and how their men dont please them sexually. What i find funny and factual is the BIBLE even says not to cause your husband to SIN by hold you self from him sexually. 1Corinthians 7:3-5 ESV
    The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control

    1. Oh my good lord have you heard yourself- that must be a complete joke!! I really do hope you are just writing to gain a reaction such as mine because if not you sound like a self-centred arrogant pig. Plus, by the way the bible is not FACTUAL

      1. Mel, whether you believe in Jesus Christ or not, I think your anti-Christian feelings are getting in the way of hearing what Edward was saying. Other than his constant spelling mistakes, he has a good point, and I agree with a lot of it. I am not a practicing Christian, but the bible verses he quotes are the most intelligent part of his comments. Like he said, he supports the article, but I think it’s important to let him explore his feelings and get constructive feedback.

        Edward: I am feeling exactly like you right now. I understand that what I’m feeling is wrong and there are physical, unavoidable reasons why this marriage has become sexless, but I still feel constantly rejected and unloved like you do. I do think she could try harder. She tries to make me happy sometimes, but she is so sexy (except her nipples, hehe) and my strong sexual drive is making this very difficult. I know she loves me, but every single day I get the feeling she doesn’t all over again. She says she wants to go another year breastfeeding, I just don’t know how long I can last like this. A year is a very long time and it’s already killing me.

    2. Edward, the message I get from your post is “I am pressing all the right buttons, but she is still not functioning like I expect her to.”

      The question what is keeping her is one that only she can answer. Listen to her, if she says “no” then ask “why?”. You might not know this, but as much as for us men sex releases pressure, results in relaxation and can be used to alleviate stress, for women this is completely the other way around. They need to be relaxed and worry-free before they can engage in sexual activities (please excuse the simplification, of course everyone is different …).

      Make this about her, not about you. From your words I know you’re trying, but it seems to have a condition attached to it. “I am doing all these things, so that she will have sex with me.” Try satisfying her needs because you want to satisfy her needs and make her happy. Unconditionally. That literally works miracles!

      1. you guys are completely self centred! I am a Christian and you are completely mid quoting the bible! the verses you are referring to are not talking about child birth they are referring to a woman who withholds for no reason except to punish or cause her husband to sin but any self respecting man with any degree of self control would understand her position. my wife has breastfed both my children and I Could not be more grateful. breastmilk is undeniably one of Gods greatest gift to parents. I think you should both get over yourselfs and for one second try to comprehend what your wife has gone through!

        1. I respect your opinion apart from the not surprising “judgemental Christian” feel about his situation. But you can’t just assume what everyone feels like, people react to certain situations differently. But how dare you say to get over yourself? Do you think that we’re selfish just because we connect with our partners in amazing emotional ways through sex? Isn’t that how God created it? For a man and a woman to connect in ways never thought of? I am a born again Christian but the harshness of your tongue shows that you need to re-read the Bibles most important commandment “love thy neighbor as thy self”. I also am in the same situation with my wife and I constantly think that she has lost her affection for me. It’s hard even painful sometimes not that I can’t have sex with her but that I can’t show her my affection/love through an act that only a man and his wife can do.

    3. Please note that she added the following disclaimer: “For those who are thinking it, yes, sex is a two way street, but you’re reading this article seeking help how to fix your situation, right? I’ve also got advice for women too, but since you’re wanting to know how to help, here it is!”.
      Since you seem to be doing a lot to help already and and none of these situations apply to you because you are still having problems, then this article is obviously not for you and you need other help. No reason to say you don’t support the webpage.
      Since you’ve quoted the bible I assume you’re a Christian, so perhaps speaking with a pastor or religious counselor would help.
      On a more personal note, resenting your wife will not help the situation, and disclosing your penis size is kind or irrelevant. Withholding sex is also more of a specific thing. Is she actually withholding sex from you? Or is she just in a headspace now where she doesn’t feel like it? Have you actually talked to her about it or are you just venting on the internet? It seems like some constructive steps could be taken here. Firstly, tell her how you feel. Secondly, seek help. I hope all goes well.

  2. For the love of all that is good and holy, please don’t tell men that women want postpartum sex to last LONGER. In general, we’re doing it to avoid a divorce or cheating spouse, so 60 seconds is beyond ideal. After which time we can sleep or tend the baby.

  3. This article brought tears to my eyes. my husband and I had an argument (our second) within the last 2 weeks) because of this very issue. I try to explain but he just doesn’t get it. He makes it seem like it’s something I can change. I’m just always so tired and most days I am operating only by the grace of god. Thank you for this amazing Article as I will definitely share this with my husband.

  4. Men are wired to be poly-amorous. Sorry to break it to you ladies. But if he doesn’t have sex with you, he’ll have it with someone else. This does not mean he doesn’t love you. He needs an emotional and physical release. My wife and I have had discussions about this. I would never leave her, she’s my one and only – but if she can’t give me what I need and she consents, I find adult comfort elsewhere.

    1. We have also evolved as a species since humans were created. People do have a choice, to control themselves or not. Unless you feel you don’t have control over yourself of course. It’s a choice how we deal with everything, even stress. Light up a cigarette? Binge on food? Drink ourselves silly — all in the name of stuffing down uncomfortable feelings. The only way to grow from something is to go through it. Find new ways to express intimacy and show your commitment. It’s not going to be like this forever.

      By giving your energy to another woman, you are taking it away from the one who you are committed to. I don’t know about your wife, and that’s your business, but that would impact on how I felt about my partner and what my future outlook on the relationship would be. If you’re both happy with that, great! If it works for you both. But for the most part, women thrive with the presence, commitment and strength of her man. A man’s purpose should be more important than finding the next “fix”. A man is most sexy when he shows self control, focus (purpose) and can deal with times when they are tough. It’s not a woman’s fault that the huge changes and demands in her system render her libido useless. But by giving her your energy even when it’s hard, instead of running to some other woman, that’s intimacy.

      I recommend the book “The Way Of The Superior Man” by David Deida: http://www.deida.info/books/way-superior-man.

      1. So, if a woman has certain needs she is to be catered to and pampered and taken care of. But when a men has needs they are evolutionary baggage that needs to be suppressed.

        Do you people even listen to yourself ? Sorry to break it to you, but a wife can’t just completely take away a huge part of the reason for being married in the first place and not only expect the husband to suck it up, noooo, he has to feel guilty of having needs in the first place. Oh, the insensitivity !

        1. I agree with Alex. It’s not going to kill her to put out, and I am her husband. If we go from 2-3 times a week to nothing, that’s not really fair, is it? There are things she can do, and even though it’s not making her wet, she can still get on board and God forbid initiate once in a while.

          These articles make me feel like I’m being disrespectful and unreasonable to expect some sex in my marriage, even if she has no libido for some time. Like you say, it’s not forever. So please, put on a happy face and show us some love when you don’t feel like it more frequently. And you’ll probably get into it after you’ve forced yourself to start. Stop neglecting us. You can’t just shut off the pipe for 2 years… we’ll die of thirst or find another source of water if it presents itself. Not that I would go explicitly looking, but it’s a dangerous emotional state you’re leaving us in, don’t you think?

          1. Wow, wow, wow. Thank God I married a real man. I have never seen my husband as disgusted as when he read Jason and Husband’s comments.

            Like YOU said Husband, it’s not forever so YOU put on a happy face and show her some love for God’s sake. She isn’t your sperm dumpster, she a freaking human being.

            Marriage is for better or worse and it is something you willingly entered. So if you end up “drinking from another watering hole” you are not justified, you do not get a free pass. You are a cheater, you are a vow breaker and you are not a good husband.

            Sexless marriages are hard, I definitely won’t dispute that. But they will also never get better by making ultimatums or threats to find greener pastures. They are almost always indicative of a much deeper problem. So you telling her just to suck up and do it for your pleasure IS disrespectful.

            You aren’t wrong to want to sex and want to resolve whatever the reason has brought this about but the way you basically are telling her to use her body to pleasure you despite how glaringly apparent it is that she is unable or unwilling to do this emotionally and possibly physically, is appalling.

            Not ONCE did you give even a hint that have asked why this is happening?! Why doesn’t she want to sleep with you!? Have you even asked her!? If so, did you even really bloody listen!?

          2. So you enjoy your partner laying down unmotivated and enduring your humping? I don’t know man, but I’d rather wait for her to get her drive back and *really* want me. That’s when the awesome sex happens!

            For pressure release, God made you with an intact right hand (I’m assuming), you know.

            These articles may make you feel that way but your comments are making everybody else feel like you don’t really care about your wife and only married her to have sex with her and blackmail her into unromantic quickies every week just to get your supposed need fixed, that is instilled by media and society.

            “you’ll probably get into it after you’ve forced yourself to start.”

            You’ll probably get way better sex if you stop whining and complaining and demanding and force yourself to focus on the needs of your wife. She will come around, but not under pressure. Imagine yourself in her shoes.

        2. Well said, very well said. Most of you girls on this thread and the writer herself sound very childish. It seems you don’t know just how important sex is for a man and a marriage in general. Do you want your men to back off and stop trying to turn every touch into sex? Then offer them a five minute hand job a couple times each week. If you actually would take some of your selfish time and read how men generally behave, it would become quite clear to each of you that once we release, we can stop thinking with our penises for a while and focus our new found energy on pampering you. The more you push us away then the longer it’s been for us. So now our need is greater and the touching becomes more geared toward sex. Oh and on a brighter note, now you’ve even put some energy into helping if not saving your marriage. Rediculous; you complain about a few minutes yet you would have us male sexual monsters (as it seems your minds think) wait one, two, sometimes three years to feel wanted/ desired. Don’t you women like feeling loved? Do you think masturbating for us will fill the void? News flash, Grow up girls, take good care of your men, we work to do the same for you. If you can’t fathom what it’s like to not have sex with your lover for way too long try going two years without having a meaningful conversation with anyone…Anyone. Ya we get that you have no drive, you’re tired, you don’t want to be touched, and you want some understanding and some help and some compassion, seriously wouldn’t hurt to give just a little too, for the sake of your lover and your marriage: if you can’t give a hoot about your husbands emotional needs (yup sex is very emotional for us) then you deserve to loose the man you claim to love. Shame on you; shame on you for harping on our needs, shame on you for your lack of sympathy, shame on you for thinking men are some kind of awful over sexed creature. Shame on you….oh and shame on you some more. You sound like terrible wives who care little for your partners. Sex for us is vital; did you hear that??? VITAL!!! It’s the true confirmation that we are still a couple. we need to f#ck like ya’ll need a conversation that has depth. TAKE CARE of YOUR MAN and grow up, we are asking very little: you demand understanding but offer none. Offer your men a handjob ladies; for five minutes, and you’ll be severely over compensated in return.

          Oh and before any of you wives decide to reply, please take the time (that’s right time-in the time it took you to read this you could have taken a vital step toward saving your marriage, go give him a hand job right now) to re-read this and ask yourselves if you actually love your man or if it’s time to let him go. Celibacy is for monks and priests.

    2. So, you basically gave your wife an ultimatum? Give me sex, or I’m going somewhere else. Classy. Way to make a new mom feel even more like shit.

      1. Fellas, I stopped doing things around the house that she wanted from me until I got what I wanted from her. At the end of the day, I’m not going to be the only one unhappy or miserable. Eventually your wives will get to the point where they ask you what’s the problem and why aren’t you helping and thats your chance to explain how u feel about them and how u feel shut out. If they are okay with continuing the relationship in that way, then you know where u stand. Sometimes women have to experience the change before they understand how serious it is. Hope that helps and good luck fellas.

        1. An eye for an eye leaves everyone blind. If you have to resort to “trading” to get what you want in your relationship, you know what dangerous path you’re walking down? Do you want it to work, or no? Do you want her love and admiration for you to grow? Because you need to be prepared that she will walk… and her love and admiration at your behaviour will be the first to go.

  5. hmmmmm never experienced a low labido whilst on the pill and I was on it from the age of 17 til 34, my hubby would know back sex because i wanted it every night.now i’m off it, my urges are slacking off a tad, so obviously it affects people differently. but yes, after birth, please don’t be asking for sex, and Doctors need to stop telling husbands that “you can have sex in 4 – 6 weeks” wtf!? hell no, get away from me, maybe in 6 months, but not in 6 weeks buddy.

  6. Thank you for your article! It is spot on from a woman’s perspective. My husband and I have struggled with this after the birth of each child and it doesn’t get any easier knowing what will come. In fact, I think the addition of each one has drawn us closer together as a unit and equally pushed us apart as lovers; each feeling is just intensified. It is hard to remember that this too shall pass while you are in the thick of it.

  7. Well it’s not to say that she need or has to be up to it in 6 weeks. But it doesn’t feel great on the male part when after 7 months you do the best you can and it’s just sweep under the rug likes it’s just bust. I understand that for the female it isn’t easy with kids and home life but “should both parties” make time for each other?

  8. I think I just decided to not have anymore kids. Isn’t there a pill she can take that doesn’t stop the breastmilk? I bet it would save some marriages.

  9. My husband doesnt
    even want to touch me,its 3months since I had our baby.am healed.
    Bt he cant even hug me he says till baby is one yr.I find this wierd

  10. There is nothing more off-putting than demanding your needs be met! Listen to you folks …

    “How you handle the issue of sex after childbirth can either do irreparable damage to your relationship or it can make it stronger than ever been before. The choice is up to you.” Right now, some of you seem focussed on doing irreparable damage to their relationship, just to get some sex.

    In my experience, whenever we have disconnected emotionally and/or sexually there is a reason for this and a good one, most of times. If I insist on my “right” to sex or even would go so far as blackmail her with cheating, as some men propose here, that only intensifies the conflict! We went 6 months without sex after our (first) child and do you know what? It didn’t kill me *gasp*! And patiently waiting out the time it took her to heal completely and get her sex drive back has totally paid off.

    So, if you’re looking for a quick release, there’s always something “handy”. If you want your relationship to succeed, learn patience. “But I have needs, too!” She just had her life completely turned upside down by growing and birthing a new human being, maybe you can cut her some slack for that?

    Postpartum is not a good time to get all selfish as the father of a newborn and the husband of the woman who just gave birth to your child. If you wait it out patiently and be understanding, things will work out for the better and, speaking from my experience, it will become even better than before!

    tl;dr: If you want great sex, be patient and don’t demand it.

  11. Thankyou, so very, very mcuh for this article.
    I’ve recently had my second baby, (both caeser) and while I have the most loving and understanding husband, some of these things have been issues for me and I’ve not been able to properly articulate it to him. I love him very much – more now than before our children even – but the physical, mental tolls of childbearing take much to recover from – and though I “want to want to” the mere idea makes me want to collapse sometimes.
    I found this to be written sensibly and without prejudice, and with the genuine intention of helping a new father understand what is happening in his wife’s mind.
    Again, thankyou for finding the words.

  12. To all those who have posted here that their partner is the one who needs to change, whether that’s a mother or father…

    If you truly care for and love your partner, you will find a way to honour them and their emotions and needs. If all you want is (a) for them to not touch you, or (b) to have sex on demand, then you’re not showing them the same love that you yourself crave and need.

    When my wife and I got married, one of the things that we discussed was that it wasn’t about sex. I gave her my word that even if something happened and we couldn’t have sex long term, that my commitment to her was to her, not to satiating my sex drive. She needed that reassurance that she was honoured and cared for, not just desired.

    Talk with your partner! Give THEM space to speak, listen to them, and carefully consider what you are thinking, doing, and saying. Are you showing love, honour, and respect to your partner? If not, then no matter what they may be doing that is setting you off, you need to change.

    Until you can come from a place of other-centredness, you will struggle to resolve relationship issues (unless you want a master and slave relationship, and that’s a whole other issue).

  13. This article demonizes men. Nothing constructive about this article, it’s upsetting to see only emotions in the article. Demonizing men for wanting sex is like villianizing Women for wanting time to themselves. If only one side of a relationship is happy the other side drifts away. There has to be medium ground like a blowjob or something.

    1. Interesting about your interpretation. In your own life, do you feel bad for wanting sex? You’re human, I don’t think you should feel that way.

      Men ask all the time why a new mother who has just recently had a baby, doesn’t want sex. So I have tried to cover every possible scenario to help couples talk about what it might be and what they can do to help sort out the problem. There is nothing wrong with women or men wanting sex, in fact I just published one for women about what to do when he doesn’t want sex. Again I thought of all possible scenarios.

      However, when you see the reactions of angry men who think sex is owed to them (as per some other comments here) you can see how easily it becomes a stalemate, and a worse issue than it should be in a relationship. Who would want sex with someone behaving in that way? All I have done is shown some possibilities and opened the door, the couple have to walk through it (or the man in this case, as this article is for men seeking help). If he doesn’t ‘go first’ trying to rectify the issue (i.e. not arguing his case for sex, but attacking the problem and not the person), it may never get rectified.

      1. You can’t force anyone to do anything. My wife wants nothing to do with me sexually and that’s fine. But realize that it’s also not my fault, nor within my power to change her. I have depression, but don’t blame my wife that I’m sad. That is a me problem. Same as this is a HER problem. You keep making it like although we don’t have the ultimate choice it’s up to us to “fix” her and that’s not true. Iit’s their choice to change not ours to coerce.

        1. I was trying to make it clear at the start of the article that since the article was written for dads, and dads were coming to the page for help, it would have advice for dads in this situation — things they can do to help. You can’t just read an article and expect a new mother to fix herself as a result 😉

          But, there are things you can do to help in this article if you want to. They aren’t fixing her, they are supporting her to help get herself/libido back over time. After the birth it’s a time of massive change for women and men. We’re all impacted differently based on the support we get and our relationship status. You have depression so it’s no doubt on her mind too that both of you are struggling. You both need some emotional and physical support and care. She may be afraid to rely or lean on you because she’s worried about how you’re coping.

          Due to request, I also wrote about what to do when HE doesn’t want sex. While it’s not your case here, there is lots of great advice and comments from dads which you might benefit from. Give it a try and see if you can take anything out of it:

          http://www.bellybelly.com.au/relationships/why-doesnt-he-want-sex-with-me/

          Also, that book I recommended — seriously, it’s a lifechanging read. I highly recommend it.

  14. Lol. Wtf about the Fathers. Like she’s the only one who had the baby. I moved for her remodeled a whole house for her and the baby. Work 10 hours a day have the child the minute i get home , cook, then sneak to the gym at 2 am so i can have some pattern of normal 8n my life. And save me she just gave birth BS i had a liver transplant and was back on the horse in 6 months while my ex was filing for divorce after finding out i wasn’t checking out. Here’s a tip for mothers who have husbands have sex with them, otherwise refuse the ring when asked to be married. Actually F this this is why men including 70 percent of my co workers friends have affairs and have great marriages

    1. You sound very angry and frustrated Alfonso.

      It’s important for couples to get (good) help before throwing it all in the bin by seeking instant gratification by cheating. Relationships are about effort, and we need to attack the problem, not the person. A woman closed down sexually (if she’s well healed and healthy) means connection has been lost. And if you’re too busy being angry and frustrated, you’re pushing her away, not drawing her in. No woman will open up to a man who is not safe.

  15. Is #8 for real? Lack of sex after childbirth, and then getting upset he doesn’t last long enough in bed? Do you even know how the human body works?!?

    1. Erm, yes I do. Many women don’t have frequent sex after having a baby. So when it’s time to, maybe he’s a little excited and mum feels like she’s just providing a service for someone else — feeding the baby, sex for the partner… nothing for herself. Some women do crave connection and lots of foreplay, but their partner jumps right into it. Just because you may not have experienced it, doesn’t make it untrue.

  16. My wife had our baby 7 weeks ago and have not had sex. After our first baby I complained that I didn’t get any and guess what I still didn’t get any. This time i have been really good to her and waiting. She actually asked me if I was being nice to get some. I was hurt but now know what she thinks. It’s also tough because we do not cuddle in bed anymore because she’s always passed out when hitting the bed. The plan is to keep going and being there for her. I know it will change after time.

    1. Great work dad. Even some of the most spiritual and emotionally in touch dads I know admit that while they get it, they can’t help but take it a little hard. It’s a tough period, but if you foster connection, it will improve. I think when women say you’re doing X to get some, they are just feeling all touched and used out. A baby is so demanding on a woman’s body, she needs to make sure she gives back to her. A full cup will overflow with giving. An empty cup will… well, it’ll just wait for fullness. This article is great, give it a read 😉

      http://www.bellybelly.com.au/men/when-she-prefers-sleep-over-sex/

  17. Great article, I read it a couple of time hoping that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I want to say I believe in all this but that does not make it necessarily easier for me. I tried many of these but 6 months after birth it’s still very difficult – we must have had sex (whatever type) perhaps four or five times after delivery, and that was after 2 years TTC and the hit of discovering male factor infertility. Now it’s been almost two months without, and I have tried/am trying many of the above, including having help at home, taking her out on dates, massage, flowers, cooking, etc. We’ve talked about it a couple of times but nothing really changed, I think I will not try again as talking about it just makes it feel heavier to bear to both of us. She says she loves me and it’s sleep deprivation, and I believe her of course, but it feels lonely and I’ve stopped trying because I can’t stand the feeling of begging for it or hearing a no. I will continue to support her but I am afraid if this doesn’t change sometime, somehow, it can cause serious damage to our relationship. We both wanted to have a child and I love my wife and my son, but honestly I did not know that signing up for this I had checked out of being a couple.

    1. I feel for you, it is very difficult because both partners feel they desperately need something. Can you think of any ways you can help her to get more sleep? How about some paid help around the house or a post-natal doula? Mamas these days are so overstretched without the community that once helped the mother to recover and raise a child. It gets very lonely and exhausting. Try and focus on solutions rather than the problem. Maybe even tell her you want to sit down and have a serious chat about things, and let her know you want to focus on finding some solutions to the issues – not complain about the problems. Both of you put your feelings and needs on the table and see where it can match up. Don’t forget to say “I feel” not “You xxx” to avoid it turning into a blame game. Good luck!

  18. It is wonderful article. Truely couples need to understand each other after birth. Particularly the husband have to adjust the drive towards sex. Faithful and care to the breestfeeding mum is the great tool for the prosperity of the generation to come. I love this.

  19. Let’s say I’m going to try to follow this guide. But I find my situation a little bit nasty.
    -My baby is almost 2 and in the meantime we made love no more than 5 times.

    -She is still breastfeeding. I spent 6 months when my baby turned 1 trying to convice her that she should stop then I stopped as it was not working.

    -I moved to her country, where I don’t know anyone, and I’m taking 1 year off so she can restart her professional career.

    -We live close by (50 mt) her parents and her brother who has a 5 years old daughter but we don’t get any help from them as they are too busy getting fat.

    -We talked about sex but she told me she doesn’t have any sexual instinct (we were having sex 5+ times per week before the baby arrived)

    – I tried to tell her that I’m pretty depressed as I don’t have any social life and I don’t know anyone in her country. But instead to try to support me she said that for her is the same as she doesn’t have a great relationship with her family and as she was living abroad for 6 years she lost a lot of contacts. I just wondering why we moved here then.

    So I’m stucked here till situation change or I’m going to give up. I helped her with the baby as much as I could: cooking, cleaning, working was on me for the past year. If I was not cooking she was not able neither to prepare some food for the baby and she was buying baby food. The only thing I didn’t help at all was keeping the baby at night, I tried but I was just too destroyed at work then. What make me really sad is that in case of divorce I have nearly 0% chance to have the baby and I love him a lot.

    1. Awwww man that’s a really tough situation. I really feel for you. You’re both desperately needing support, connection, networks and nurturing, so it can be a vicious cycle to get out of, because all you have is each other and that’s not working out for both of you.

      I can share with you some resources and networks to help get some support and information from other great men and fathers, as well as to help you work out a solution.

      Firstly, join these Facebook pages, especially the Becoming Dad page (there’s a men’s only closed page, please join that and connect with the dads there).

      http://www.bellybelly.com.au/men/8-best-facebook-pages-for-dads/

      You need to do something for you – it’s no wonder you’re depressed. Both partners need an outlet with others, a passion or hobby. Is there something you enjoy you could take up once a week? Going to the gym can also help boost your mood and testosterone levels. But is there a sport you once played? Activity you would like to try?

      If you’d like to speak to a great men’s mentor/counsellor, I can recommend someone fantastic for you too.

      1. Hi can you raccommend me the men’s mentor/counsellor.
        Things didn’t improve at all.
        -Baby is 2 and she promised me that at 2 she was going to stop breastfeeding as the studies she was reading where on that direction. I would like to joke about the fact that fresher studies move that boundary but… She was shameless enough to claim exactly that.
        -She is working all day leaving at 7am and coming back at 8pm.
        -I managed to stop using the dummy with my baby but as long as she is home she gave him the dummy and then breastfeed him.
        -I was promised to have some time for me after 8 to do some jogging and some work but this never happened. She joined a gym and to the even when she was home I was taking care of the baby for one hour so she could go to the gym. I’ve to admit that before we lived in a country with better work-life balance but still I don’t find it fair.

        We finally bought a car so we can go somewhere over the weekend but:
        Even if the baby is used to stay on his seat when we are just me and him, he’s never on the seat with his mum. We had a big discussion about it and she said the baby is gonna use the seat when he would like to use it. I propose her to sit on the front with me so the baby can be used to stay by himself on the back but she doesn’t want listen the baby scream neither 1 minute.

        -For the above reason I’m the only one who is driving and as in this country the distances are huge this is getting pretty tiring.

        1. Hey Bob, it is a huge thing post-natally. I feel it’s become a bigger problem than ever, because these days, more women are working (and longer hours at that) and we have overwhelm from technology too. I find too much time online gives me some sort of sensory overload, and I want space – but it’s my job to be in front of a computer.

          I highly recommend following these Facebook pages:

          * Becoming Dad (which has a private mens only group – VERY supportive men)
          * Follow Graham White’s page Modern Masculine Man which has great advice and posts on getting your life sorted. He runs closed group for men only too and it’s a powerhouse!

          There are some great books for relationships post baby too. If you’re interested in reading let me know. But the above two are a good start, counselling is tricky because you need to find the right person with the right knowledge. If you’re in Melbourne I can recommend a great counsellor for men. Graham also does counselling but he’s not cheap – very worth it though. If you prefer you can email me with the details on our contact page.

  20. I was searching online for MY reason, which is missing from this article… not wanting another baby so soon (or at all)! We had sex tonight, just days before my period, and we didn’t use our normal contraceptive method, and so…now I’m extremely scared about having another baby. I didn’t realize how bad it would feel until afterward, when I started crying uncontrollably while trying to clean up. Just the thought of having another one so soon made me so sad…. For starters, I love my little guy so much I cannot even imagine having to share this love and attention with another baby, I’d feel too guilty! I want all my time and affection to go to my little baby (well of course, my hubby too), but I mean, babies take up SO much time, how could I possibly divide it between two babies??! And force them to take turns breastfeeding, making one cry who has to wait….oh no! And then the nutrition in my breastmilk going toward the development of a new baby instead, lowering the nutrition of food for my current baby (I read that somewhere). I don’t want another baby. And after our scare tonight, I’m not sure I ever want unprotected sex with my hubby again. Or maybe even any sex until the current baby is done breastfeeding, at least. Maybe he’ll be happy with BJs for two years? Hmmm.

  21. One thing I was worried about with post baby sex was my breasts leaking milk during sex. I was scared it would be a turn off for both of us. Perhaps reassure wives about that. After being a size 8 with a good figure I felt very self conscious about how I looked. Are you helping her to feel ok about her body, ( not just suggesting exercises) What you say as well as what you do counts.
    My husband was a breast feeding Nazi and made me breast feed even though I had problems learning how and my baby wasn’t getting enough milk. This made me resentful towards him and we know resentfulness isn’t an aphrodisiac. I agree with a previous comment that gratefulness is much more likely to inspire interest.
    Am sad about the cheaters comments. What greater commitment could your wife have to you than having your baby (yes hers to) and you cheat on her?

  22. thats why its important to not have children seems kind of selfish women want children in the first place, meaning you are not good enough on your own but we need to complicate our lives or something, or if of course you do mistakingly have children which is how most children happen BY PURE LUCK because i can tell you i have had lots of sex with many women without condoms and ejaculated into them and never got one pregnant at all, Im probably shooting blanks(infertile) anyway if i did have children and I was getting no sex i would put it to my partner that I find someone to fit my needs as the world as you know is abundant and if my partner wanted to selfishley do that to me deny my freedomks well i would leave her give her a few crumbs in child support, also I would still make my child financialkly stable as that is something i was denied even though i hail from a wealthy family, oh yes they made up some lies for me i have a trust fund etc… yes all lies, I would definatley open trusts for my children for their benefit, most parents are BOTH SELFISH i dunno im 42 and single, women will never see the mqale point of view calling us stupid , thick etc if we see the world differently ARE we most major inventions and science has derived from man probably because we got sick and tired of being bored by womens lies

  23. All of this is spot on. Thank you for putting into words what I had been feeling. Now I can have an honest discussion with my spouse. I know we can find some middle ground where both our needs are met and we both feel appreciated. Thank you.

  24. And I thought I am having an average sex life in my marriage. I think i am completely stupid really. My wife lets me have sex once a month or in two months.. sometimes 3 months. And I get this after trying and trying… begging and begging. The only reason she gives me is that she doesnt want to get pregnant. Well u think that is easy… NOOOO. She doesn’t want to use any of the contraceptive methods at all. She doesnt want me to use condoms or even vasectomy(as we already have enough number of children and we are done)… cos she doesnt trust Condom at all. She doesnt want to take the risk by having sex naturally. I made myself believe that i would be okay if she doesnt ever initiate sex (10 years none ), I m okay for her pushing me away almost all the time when I try to hug/touch her, I am even okay she never ever said that she loves me. But nowadays I am trying to get crazy… I have asked her if we can consult an expert on this or even just her talking to her friends but she refused. Divorce is not an option… I am a practising Christian. I prefer not have sex to divorcing my wife. Don’t assume I dont love my wife… She knows I love her so much. Sometimes i feel cos of this she has taken me for granted.

  25. Well it’s been 11 months I’ve done everything clean cook clean pay the bills . Everything… I’ve touched… held at night and not the first hint of any reciprocation. I’m to the point I’m giving up. I can’t try to hold her anymorr. If it’s gonna. Happen. It going to have to be her that starts it now. I’m tired of getting turned down and not feeling loved. What do I do?

    1. You can use this situation to either grow and become a bigger person, or not…

      Have you read this article, written by a man?

      Also I highy recommend reading the book Way Of The Superior Man by David Deida. It’s life changing and will help you navigate difficult situations, especially with your relationship.

      If you’d like to get support from awesome, switched on fathers, the Becoming Dad private page on Facebook is a great place to ask all your questions about this stuff.

      While it’s common for mothers to lose libido because they are freaking exhausted (and it doesn’t end at the newborn stage), I would look into any unresolved issues in your relationship, which can cause a woman to shut up shop too. It really needs some loving, heart to heart communication and honesty on both parts.

  26. Oh yea not to mention how about all the time on facebook. I’ll say something and get absolutely no reply cause she on her phone on facebook…

    1. Addictions come in all forms. And addictions are a way of numbing/escaping uncomfortable feelings. So people can either choose to fight and get mad at one another or have a serious conversation about what’s going on and the way forward.

  27. My wife and I had a baby 14 months ago. Everything was going great up until valentines day. The wife and I have always been very sexual (3-4 times a week). But on Valentines day I set up a very romantic get away. We got her parents to watch the baby. I went early and set up the room, candles, flowers, soft music. After a great night of dinner, wine and dancing. We get back to the room. And all she does is degrade what I set up for her. We start getting into some foreplay and she just “star fishes.” ( just lays like a lifeless doll ) She has never been like this. Even after the babe was born, she was wanting to be with me 6 weeks after. But for months of just hearing “NO” to any advance kind of wears you down. I have tried talking to her, But all I get from her is ” I’m fine!” then she changes the subject.

    I am not saying its all her. I am in the military and between training and deploying time at home is very short. And when I am home Its daddy daycare. But I know what it means to be tired and warn down and don’t want to do anything. But I embrace the suck and drive on! There has to be a middle ground somewhere. Just because your sex drive stops don’t mean your partners does.

  28. Ok maybe I’m just wired differently, but after each child ( and one labor almost killed me due to DR’s stupidity… Gave me medication I was allergic to bottomed out my blood pressure and ignored our refusals) I was ready for sex. My husband wouldn’t let me have sex till at least the 5 week mark and our first baby left me with 18 stitches ( episiotomy? Heh try ripping up into your clit and having stitches there) my husband was the one refusing sex. He would not have sex with me because he loves me and did not want to hurt me. He knew what the dr said and wanted to follow DR’s orders. 3 kids and 5 years of marriage. And we aren’t even 25 yet. And here you all are blaming each other for this or that instead of taking the time to discuss your feelings with your spouses or significant others.. The most important part of a relationship is communication. If you’re depressed? Talk to your partner. Feeling unsexy? Talk to your partner. Damn, with holding help.. Telling the other to suck it up… You all sound like preschoolers…. The adult thing to do is open your ears and take each other’s feelings into consideration. Men and women both.

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