Nobody expects new parents to show up on time.
If you have a new baby and you manage to get there on the right day, you’re golden.
The normal rules are out; you can be as late as you want. After all, your beautiful baby is the perfect scapegoat. You can blame her for anything – she can’t stick up for herself and she’s too cute for people to get mad at.
You don’t even need to offer excuses to your parent friends. They know, they’ve been there.
For your other friends, however, you may want to consider selecting one of these perfectly acceptable excuses for lateness:
#1: I Was Busy Staring Lovingly At My Baby
Eeek, so sorry I’m 40 minutes late. I don’t know what happened. We were all ready to go early, and I sat down for a five-minute rest. I started looking at my new baby, she’s really so perfect it’s hypnotising. I was gazing into her eyes, admiring that beautiful little nose and stroking those outrageous soft feet. And, well, then I looked at the clock and realised I was late. Apparently I’d been staring at her for half an hour, but it really didn't feel like it. Here, touch her feet, you’ll see…
#2: I Couldn’t Find My Car Keys
I’m really sorry for running late. I was all ready to go, then realised I didn’t have my sunglasses. I eventually found them in the fridge, ha! Baby brain, much? Anyway, then I couldn’t find my phone so I spent 10 minutes searching high and low only to discover it was in my hand the whole time. What can I say? That’s what sleep deprivation does to a woman.
Then I went out to the car and realised I didn’t have my keys. I looked everywhere I could think of, but there was no sign of them. I checked under the sofa, in the microwave, in the garden and in the bathroom. Eventually, just as I was about to call you and say I couldn’t come, I spotted them in the car seat, snuggled up next to my sleeping baby.
(Baby brain is real, by the way!)
#3: I Needed A Last Minute Outfit Change
Now, admittedly, I’m not really all that up to date on brunch attire these days. I’m a little rusty, you see, now that I have less time to read fashion magazines.
I am, however, pretty sure that vomit, snot and tears are not this season’s must wear patterns, and so I needed to change. Twice. Before I could leave the house. Baby sick really isn’t my colour.
#4: I’ve been Watching You From The Car
I actually got here on time, would you believe it? The baby fell asleep in the car and, well, I just didn’t want to wake her up. So I’ve been sat outside for half an hour, just watching her sleep. Sorry. She just looked so peaceful.
#5: It Took Me Ages To Decide What To Wear
It’s actually really difficult to try and find a breastfeeding-friendly outfit that actually fits me and is clean. Most of my clothes are too small, apart from my maternity wear which is too big. And the few clothes I do have are covered in sick, poo or wee. That’s why I’m wearing yoga pants, okay?
#6: The Baby Did A Poo…
We were ready to go on time, and just as I was about to step out of the front door, I heard the baby let out an enormous trump. She had a face of pure concentration which can only mean one thing. So I took her out of the car seat, undressed her and, sure enough, discovered a ginormous tsunami of poo. It was everywhere. I had to change her entire outfit after I’d put her in a fresh nappy.
#7: … Then Decided She Was Hungry…
Excavating your bowels is hungry business, so as soon as all that was finished, she started crying for a feed. I couldn’t really leave her hungry, so I had to give her a quick feed. Well, I hoped it was going to be a quick feed, but actually it took half an hour and wasn’t quick at all.
#8: … And Then Pooped Again…
What comes in, must come out. Whilst I was feeding her, I hear yet another eruption in the downstairs department. I finished feeding her, surrounded by the stench, and then quickly ran upstairs to change yet another nappy. Then I had to put a wash on because we were running out of modern cloth nappies.
#9: … And Then Threw Up All Over The Car Seat
Yep, it seems that half hour feed was just a little too filling for my little angel. So she promptly spewed it back up all over herself and her car seat. Not such a big deal, I hear you say?
Well, the car seat cover isn’t removable (cheers, car seat manufacturer), so I had to wash it and then dry it with a hairdryer. And then get the baby changed, again.
#10: Because I Couldn’t Be Bothered
Even without all of the aforementioned catastrophes, we would still have been late because, quite frankly, I just couldn’t be bothered. I like wearing pyjamas at the moment.
All I really want to do is snuggle up on the sofa with my baby. I want to wear comfortable, unflattering clothes. I don’t want to put makeup on, or try and find an acceptable outfit. I’m just so tired, I want to be asleep.
Recommended Reading: Being a new mama isn’t always easy, but if you follow the following rules, it’ll be much more fun. Check out BellyBelly’s New Mama Code: What All New Mamas Should Live By.