It goes without saying that all mothers are as unique and special as snowflakes.
It would be really offensive to stereotype mothers. Labeling people is about as useful as labeling blades of grass, however, if you really want a label (and you promise not to get offended), take a look at this list of mama types:
Social Media Mama Type #1: The Earthy Mama
This mama smells of coconut oil, raves about the benefits of giving up shampoo, and grows her own organic vegetables.
Loves: Natural remedies
Hates: Disposable baby wipes
Can Be Found: Foraging in the garden looking for natural ingredients to soothe nappy rash
Can Be Heard: Joyously discussing her home waterbirth or the many amazing uses for breastmilk
Social Media Share: “Yum, can’t wait to try this recipe for placenta soup.”
Superpower: Her brain is a super database of natural recipes and concoctions that can cure any ailment, from headaches to itchy palms. There is nothing that breastmilk and coconut oil cannot fix.
Social Media Mama Type #2: The Radical Eco Mama
This ‘radical’ mama wears slogan teeshirts, attends rallies and events about birth, babies and the environment, and walks everywhere with her baby strapped to her back.
Hates: Climate change, and the consumerist nightmare that is childhood
Buys: Second hand where possible and organic wherever not
Favourite Family Day Out: Taking the kids on a protest march to campaign against man made climate change
Special Skills: Does elimination communication from birth and aces it
Social Media Share: “Love this article about the parents who did an experiment to not spend a penny on their kids for a year. I do that all year every year! #savetheplanet”
Superpower: Great at giving impassioned speeches
Social Media Mama Type #3: Immaculate Mama
This mama is primed, painted and blown dry to perfection. She turns up to early morning baby groups looking like a celebrity and never looks exhausted.
Always: Has perfectly painted nails and, you assume, waxed privates
Never: has dirty socks stuck to the back of her jeans, or baby sick crusted down her back
Nappy Bag Contains: Nappy bag? Isn’t that her make up bag?!
You Secretly Think: She must have a nanny. How else would she have time to shower more than once a week?
Social Media Share: “Should I get caramel or dark caramel highlights in my hair? Pls help. Can’t choose!”
Superpower: The power to make every other mama in a one mile radius feel completely inadequate
Social Media Mama Type #4: Gender Neutral Mama
This lego-loving, princess-hating mama is a feminist activist turned mother. She’s not letting parenthood get in the way of fighting the good fight.
Hates: Everything sold as ‘for girls’ and ‘for boys’
Rejects: Any birthday presents that do not fit into her gender neutral criteria
Complains: To every toy store dividing toys by sex
Enigma: You are too scared to ask her what gender her kids are or to make references to ‘he’ or ‘she’ when talking about them
Social Media Share: “According to this article about pay differences, now is not a good time to own a vagina. #sexism #feminism”
Superpower: The ability to use every single thing as a lesson in gender inequality
Social Media Mama Type #5: Cotton Wool Mama
This mama is absolutely terrified of something happening to her child. She stays close at all times, sees danger at every turn, and spends most of the night checking her little ones are still breathing.
Stays: Within catching distance of her child at all times
Carries: A first aid kit
Thinks: You are a risk taker for sitting on the (dirty) park bench while your child plays on the climbing frame
Wishes: She cared less about public opinion, because then she could buy her child a helmet to wear at the park
Social Media Share: “OMG I had no idea slides could be so dangerous.Every parent MUST look at this article.”
*Superpower: If performing thorough risk assessments was a superpower, she would be Wonder Mama.
Social Media Mama Type #6: Wise Owl Mama
This mama loves to research. She doesn’t just read articles about parenting studies, she reads the actual studies. She holds a weekly parenting group where other parents can come and share information (i.e. learn from her).
Loves: When other mums ask her questions about parenting, so she can share some of the knowledge she has soaked up
Reads: Every blog, article and book ever written about parenting
Knows: She is a good mama, because she has researched what to do every step of the way
Never: Judges other parents, she sees mistakes as opportunities to learn
Social Media Share: A link to her latest blog post about parenting
Superpower: Knows every single thing there is to know about parenting, and can recall it with a moment’s notice
Social Media Mama Type #7: Maria Von Trapp Mama
Like her namesake, this mama makes her own clothes, makes up her own songs and gets her children to perform mini musicals as they go off to bed at night. She crafts, she cooks from scratch and children adore her.
Loves: Everything homemade
Always: Makes her own bread
Loved by: All children, especially yours
Hated by: Other parents, for actually finding the time to do each and every craft activity that pops into her head
Social Media Share: Can be found on Pinterest most evenings, pinning craft activities for the next afternoon
Superpower: She can tame any unruly, feral or tantruming child
Social Media Mama Type #8: Germ-free Mama
You know how most cleaners claim to kill 99.9% of germs? This mama really worries about that 0.1%. Her kids are wiped at every opportunity, while other kids toddle about with day old icecream caked to their face.
Carries: Hand sanitiser at all times
Owns: The most pristine changing bag you have ever laid eyes on
Greatest Challenge: Not wiping the day old ice cream caked around the mouths of her friends’ children
Always: Chooses where you meet for lunch
Social Media Share: Posts reviews of baby changing facilities wherever she goes
Superpower: The ability to spot dirt from a two miles away
Social Media Mama Type #9: Social Media Mama
This mama eats, sleeps and breathes social media. Every aspect of the conception, pregnancy and birth was documented online.
Instagrams: Her child’s first poo in the potty. Yep, she loves to overshare.
Tweets: Her way through labour and birth
Pins: Competitions, blog posts and craft activities. Anything you can pin, really
Facebook Status: Her statuses tell the story of motherhood through her eyes
Social Media Share: Shares who conversations with her kids, and waits for the likes to build up
Superpower: The power to turn a boring daily event into a funny Facebook status that will get lots of likes
Social Media Mama Type #10: Never Did Me Any Harm Mama
This mama hasn’t picked up a pregnancy or parenting book in her life, and has no immediate plans to. She thinks parenting has got out of hand these days, with authors trying to make a quick book, and harks back to the good old days.
Parenting Icon: Her own mama, that’s why she’s planning to do everything exactly the same
Hates: People who read about parenting – after all, it’s not like you’re going to get tested
Can Be Heard: Loudly talking over healthcare professionals, justifying her actions with, “Never did me any harm.”
Wants: To give her kids the childhood she had
Social Media Share: Pictures of her kids doing controversial things, and arguing in the comments against anyone who questions her
Superpower: The ability to turn the saying ‘ignorance is bliss’ into a life motto
Social Media Mama Type #11: Overwhelmed Mama
This mama is tired, so tired, and on the edge. Every little thing seems to set her off, so people tread on eggshells around her.
Feels: Emotional, hormonal and like she’s about to cry
Can be found: On the verge of tears
Can be heard: Apologising for her appearance, her child, her lack of conversation… everything really
Needs: Someone to make her a hot cup of tea, and listen to her troubles
Social media share: “Having such a hard day today. Exhausted isn’t the word. Roll on 7pm.”
Superpower: The ability to keep going, even with no sleep and little patience
Social Media Mama Type #12: Competi-Mama
This mama is better than you. Her child is better than your child. No matter what you talk about, she always outdoes you.
Loves: Feeling superior
Hates: That your child learnt to crawl first, and her doctor was unable to diagnose the problem holding her child back
The Future Holds: Many years of competitiveness. Best schools, best exam grades, best wedding… it will be never ending
You Think: Her children are probably under a strict training regime to win at life
Social Media Share: “Here’s Othello’s collection of gold medals for playing the violin. So proud of my clever little toddler!”
Superpower: Exudes smugness from every orifice
Social Media Mama Type #13: Friend For Life Mama
This mama is just like you. You share a sense of humour, celebrate parenting milestones together, and support each other when times are tough. She’s always on hand with a bottle of wine to make you feel better.
Loves: The same things as you
Shares: In every moment of your children growing up together, without even a hint of competition
Hopes: Your kids will grow up to be the best of friends
Attends: The pub/cafe/park every Thursday for lunch with you during maternity leave
Social Media Share: Shares photos of your kids holding hands at the park with the comment “<3 <3”
Superpower: Always knows when you need wine