If you're a partner to a pregnant woman, you’ve probably already noticed that having a pregnant partner is, erm, interesting.
The bathroom is always busy, either thanks to her squished bladder, morning sickness or constipation.
The fridge is full of weird and wonderful concoctions that no non-pregnant person would ever want to eat.
And everytime time you do anything wrong, she immediately bursts into tears about what a terrible parent you’re going to be.
And, worst of all, you can’t even moan about any of this because everyone always takes the pregnant woman’s side.
It can be hard work knowing what to do or say at any given moment, to avoid world war three breaking out.
What NOT To Say To Your Pregnant Partner
To help make your life a little easier, here are 10 things you might want to avoid saying to your pregnant partner (assuming, that is, you value your life):
#1: Oh, Sorry, I Ate The Last One
This one is pretty simple. The person who is pregnant gets to eat the last of everything. She gets to eat the last cookie, the last helping of lasagna and the last potato wedge. You don’t eat the last of anything. You don’t even eat the last of the things you know with absolute certainty that she won’t eat. It’s just not worth the risk, what if a craving kicks in just after you’ve enjoyed the last morsel?! Just don’t do it. Put the donut down, walk away.
#2: Do I Have To Go Now?
Let’s just imagine for a second that you’d already eaten the last one before reading #1. Ok, you messed up, but your relationship might still be salvageable. All you need to do is immediately jump in your car, drive to the supermarket and buy her a replacement. And yes, you have to go now. Why? Because of that crazy look in her eyes. See it? Ok, now grab your keys and run for the car. Hopefully you’ll make it before she implodes with rage.
#3: Can You Budge Up A Bit?
Are you seriously asking this question? Do you think she is taking up most of the sofa for fun or because she is the size of a whale and has backache? Don’t answer that. Just know that she is taking up the exact amount of space she needs to take up at all times. Remember, it may look like she’s hogging a lot of space, but she’s actually two people now. You are just one person, it doesn’t take a genius to work out that you need less room than two people, does it?
#4: Urgh. Another Massage?!
Oh no, is the constant strain of having to give the odd massage becoming too much to handle? You have it really tough there. Women get off so easily during pregnancy, they don’t have to give any massages. And they get to enjoy all the good stuff like endless morning sickness, needing to pee 8 zillion times a night and then there's the Braxton Hicks contractions. And, at the end of it all, while she’s just letting a baby slide comfortably and easily out of her vagina, you’ll be struggling against hunger and tiredness in the birth room. Pfft. Women have no idea how easy they have it. But, since it’s only a massage, how about you just stop whining and do it anyway?
#5: Oh Man, I’m So Hungover
Remember when your friend was on a diet, and you ate loads of chocolate, chips and cake around him just to wind him up? That was really cruel. And he wasn’t pregnant.
He wasn’t abstaining from his favourite foods because he was busy keeping your baby safe, but your partner is. So how about you step it up, quit moaning about your hangover and suffer in silence?
Or, you know, quit drinking if you really can’t handle hangovers. Your partner could help you out — she’s already been sober for months.
#6: Why Are You Crying Now??
This is a lesson which is important to learn before you become a parent. People (pregnant women and babies included) cry for a reason, not just for the hell of it.
The correct response to the sight of tears is concern, empathy and love. It's not a sigh, an eyeroll and an exclamation of ‘again!?’
If your partner is crying, even if it seems silly to you, be nice to her. She’s not crying to ruin your night, she’s crying because she needs to. She’s hormonal, anxious and overwhelmed and yeah, sometimes that means she cries because all of her favourite biscuit spread has gone. What of it?!
#7: You’re Very Hormonal
Yes. Ten points to you for understanding something about pregnancy. Hormones are very important during pregnancy, so yeah, if she’s pregnant, she’s probably hormonal.
However, pointing that out isn’t necessarily polite. Yes, she might be screaming at you because you left some dirty socks in the hallway. Yes, she might be crying for the third time tonight because there are no bean burgers left. Yes, maybe she is being a little irrational about that workplace drama.
But, you know what, she’s pregnant. You don’t need to explain what is causing her emotions to be all over the place, you just need to be nice and sympathetic to her when they are. Deal?
#8: No, I’m Not Painting Your Toenails
Yes you are. You are. She cannot see them. She has no idea what her feet look like right now, but she knows it’s bad. All she needs is somebody to help her out by making her feet look pretty. It won’t take you long, nobody has to know you did it, and you truly don’t need to paint your own toes to match. So just do it for her, please, make her feel beautiful. Or buy her a voucher for a pedicure.
#9: Do You Really Need All These Pillows?
Oh, it’s so tough trying to share a bed with a pregnant woman. Not only is her bump massive but she insists on covering herself in no fewer than 15 pillows.
They are sticking out from her thighs, pushed up under her bump and rolled up at her back. There’s not much room for you. It sucks. But, it’s important to remember that the pillows are not there to ruin your life. Instead, they’re there to try and stop your poor pregnant partner from getting backache, suffering from pelvic ache and a million other uncomfortable aches and pains that plague pregnant women.
Oh, and hopefully they’ll allow her to actually get some sleep tonight. So just put up with the pillows (and learn to sleep whilst balancing).
#10: There's Plenty Of Time For That
Yes, you’re right. The baby isn’t due for months so technically there’s no reason why the spare room needs to be cleared out this weekend. You probably don’t need to put the cot up this very minute and no, you’re not likely to need a pram anytime soon. Your partner isn’t asking you to do those things because she thinks the baby might arrive tomorrow, she just wants to get some things ticked off her to do list. Why?
Because it’s huge and it keeps her awake at night. She’s terrified the baby will arrive and you won’t be ready, so please, just do the things on the list.
Recommended Reading: To help keep you safe during the birth too, we’ve also written a list of 10 Things You Should NOT Say To A Woman In Labour (if you value your life).