While your care providers may be fixating on your ‘due date’ and you’re bursting with excitement to meet your baby, it’s highly like that your baby is not going to be born ‘on schedule’. Only around 3-5% of babies are. They really shouldn’t call them due dates. Due weeks would be better, or even due months – that would really take the pressure off.
You see, the problem with a due date is that it’s actually pretty impossible not to get attached to it. Even if you try not to, you’ll end up with that date being the light at the end of your pregnancy tunnel. And that’s fine, until the day itself passes without so much as a Braxton Hicks contraction, and all of eternity looms ahead of still-pregnant you.
It’s impossible to stay cheery on your due date, so don’t even try. Instead just accept that you will have these 10 thoughts on your estimated due date:
#1: It’s Just A Guess Date
Urgh. Why do they give you a due date and then tell you not to get attached to it? I tried my absolute hardest not to get attached, and yet, here I am, expecting a baby to arrive this very day. Such a stupid thing to have a due date anyway. If the baby is anything like his father, it’s unlikely he even has today jotted down in his diary. And even if he does, he’s probably going to turn up late. Argh, I hope this baby isn’t always late like his father. And I really hope he doesn’t have his dress sense.
#2: I’m Going To Have A Baby Today!
You know what though? I’m sure I read that some babies actually do arrive on their due dates, so it’s not totally impossible. I think it was about five percent of babies. That gives me a one in 20 chance of having a baby by the end of the day. I think they’re pretty good odds. And it’s probably even more likely to be more because I did all that yoga during pregnancy and ate a vindaloo last night. I’m almost certainly going to be a mother at the end of the day. Ha, all my pregnant friends are going to be so jealous when they find out how good at timekeeping my baby is.
#3: What Can I Do Today?
It’s a bit weird trying to think of things to keep myself entertained when I know that I will be going into labour at any moment. Still, a watched cervix never dilates so it’s important to keep busy. Good thing I did absolutely everything in advance then… Sigh. Every single inch of this house is tidy (thank you, nesting), all of the baby stuff is ready (thank you, me) and all my friends are at work (thank you, weekday due date). I really don’t know what to do. I guess I could go and meet someone for lunch, but what if I went into labour?! Yeah, I’ll probably just stay home and wait for the first contraction which will probably be any minute now.
#4: I Wish I’d Kept My Due Date Secret
Well, after 23 text messages, three phone calls and seven people writing messages on my Facebook wall, it’s safe to say I regret telling people my due date. What a stupid thing to do. I want to say ‘why did nobody warn me’, but thinking back I’m pretty sure they did. Oh god, another message! My phone won’t stop beeping. I should switch it off, but then what would happen if I went into labour? I mean, my labour is probably going to be so fast that I won’t have time to switch my phone on… right?
#5: Please, Please, Please Don’t Let Me Go Overdue
The nine months I’ve spent wishing and praying that my baby will arrive on time seem to have been wasted. This baby doesn’t want to go anywhere! Oh, please don’t let me become one of those huge, angry pregnant women who are way past their ‘due date’ (pah, due date). I mean, I’m already huge, angry and pregnant; does it really need to get worse than this? I hope I don’t break the world record for the most overdue baby. Oh god, that’s definitely what’s going to happen. Where’s that pineapple I bought?
#6: How Much Bigger Can I Actually Get?!
Seriously, if this baby isn’t coming out today, then does that mean I’m going to get bigger? There is literally nowhere else for this baby to stretch out! All of my organs are already in my throat, that’s pretty obvious every time I burp. Oh, except for my bladder which is absolutely definitely located in the grabby hands of my unborn child who tortures me by giving it a good old squeeze whenever I venture more than five metres away from a toilet. There is no give left in this skin, where is the extra baby going to fit?!
#7: Can That Clock Be Right?
Surely it must have stopped hours ago, it can’t only be that time. It must be nearly the end of the day by now. I’ll just check. Right, great. Obviously my due date just so happens to be the slowest day in the history of days. I am not even halfway through the day and yet I have exhausted every possible activity I had to do. He won’t be home for ages yet. I’m so bored. Maybe I should have asked him to book the picked-at-random-totally-meaningless-because-clearly-this-baby-isn’t-coming day off.
#8: What A Waste Of Energy
If I had known that due dates were simply days of torture inflicted on pregnant women by cruel and hateful care providers, I wouldn’t have bothered painting my toenails. I can’t believe that I spent last night stretching across my bump in a desperate bid to file my nails. And that I asked my partner to paint them for me, and then pretended he did a good job even though the paint is all over my skin. And, while we’re talking about wasted energy. I can’t believe I spent 45 minutes hunched over a crotch-height mirror with my shaving foam and razor, desperately trying to get a pregnancy’s worth of pubic hair under control.
#9: WILL YOU STOP TEXTING ME!
Aaaaargh! 37 messages… that is too many people enquiring about the status of my cervix. The next person who texts me is going to get punched in the face… But I can’t punch my mum in the face. Ah ha! Speaking of being due, my mother-in-law is due for her half hourly update text…
#10: This Baby Is Never Coming Out
Well, that’s the end of the day. It seems like my ‘due date’ should more accurately be called my ‘worst day ever — oh and I’m still pregnant’ day. I haven’t felt a single twinge despite spending the entire day furiously bouncing on my birthing ball whilst eating chilies and twiddling with my own nipples. And replying to the 43 messages to say ‘no, nothing has happened yet’ or something a bit more sweary depending on how late in the day it was. Clearly, this baby is perfectly happy in there and has no immediate plans to vacate through my birth canal. I will probably be the only woman in the world to be pregnant for the rest of her life. I will just continue to get bigger and bigger as the baby grows into a toddler and then a teenager inside my belly.