[Warning]: This article is a vent… ’cos you know, pregnancy is a wonderful, precious and life-changing… yada yada yada.
Ok, well, now that you're pregnant, you may have noticed that pregnancy is in fact totally and utterly overrated.
Sure, you get a beautiful little baby at the end of it, but the nine months of waiting can be far from enjoyable.
Here are 10 reasons why pregnancy is completely overrated… and please note that this is a completely tongue in cheek, fun piece and is by no means meant to be serious. At BellyBelly we appreciate and are so grateful for the opportunity to be pregnant – we hope you can see the humour…
Why Pregnancy Is Overrated #1: Feels Like A Movie I Know….
Nine months is a very long time to be stuck having the same conversation on repeat. Every single person you encounter on every single day of the pregnancy will ask the following questions: “When are you due? Do you know what you're having? Have you come up with any names?” You end up feeling like a heavily pregnant Bill Murray in Groundhog Day, and that's really not a good thing. By the time you reach the third trimester, you're waddling around with an angry frown on your face and your fists up, waiting… just waiting for the next unsuspecting stranger to dare enquire about your pregnancy.
Why Pregnancy Is Overrated #2: Erm, When Do You Actually Start Glowing?
Where's this famous pregnancy glow? You know, the one that supposedly brings with it thick, glossy hair, baby soft skin and nails to die for. How come no-one ever talks about the pregnancy slick, for those suffering from limp, greasy hair, teen acne and brittle nails? And of course, while you're suffering from the lesser known pregnancy slick, your sister in law, best friend and work colleague are all blooming from their pregnancies. And people keep banging on about it, while staying predictably quiet about the fact that you are swimming in grease.
Why Pregnancy Is Overrated #3: Your Closest Relationship Is With The Toilet
When you sign up for a baby, no-one tells you that you're also signing a tenancy agreement for nine long months on the toilet. You spend all day long sat in a toilet cubicle at work, desperately trying to squeeze every drop out, only to find yourself back there fifteen minutes later. You spend the commute perched over the filthy toilet seat (if you're lucky, chances are it's just a rim where a seat should sit) on your train. The evening is spent trundling up and down stairs to and from the toilet, as you curse every drop of thirst-quenching water you swallowed that day. Then, as your head finally hits the pillow at night, you immediately feel like you might wet the bed. And so, the military operation to get you out of bed, involving a lot of huffing and puffing from your husband as he attempts to lever you out of the bed, begins. The first of many, as you will spend most of the night stumbling too and from the bathroom.
Why Pregnancy Is Overrated #4: It’s Not Funny, Okay?
Pregnancy is a lot like a bad slapstick comedy from days gone by. The sight of a heavily pregnant woman attempting to put on shoes is undeniably amusing, unless you happen to be that pregnant woman. The previously uneventful acts of putting on shoes and socks in a morning become part of a much-dreaded daily ritual that inevitably features a lot of swearing, stumbling and general anger. Pregnant women should be able to walk barefoot at all times.
Why Pregnancy Is Overrated #5: My Body, Your Body. Separate.
Boundaries seem to totally disappear during pregnancy. Not only are people asking you very, very personal questions on almost a daily basis, but now everyone is touching you too. Almost as though the bump is not a part of your body, people will reach out to grab it, desperate to get their clammy hands close to your kicking baby. Friends, family, colleagues, even complete strangers think it's acceptable to cop a feel. Well it's not. Hands off, and that goes for when the baby is born too.
Why Pregnancy Is Overrated #6: Waiting, Waiting…. Waiting. Still Waiting.
Waiting for a bus is inconvenient, waiting for a phone call is tedious, but waiting for a baby deserves a whole new word. Nine months. Nine long months, and goodness, don't they drag? And you can't just forget about the pregnancy and focus on other things because a) you have a giant bump-shaped reminder and b) people won't stop banging on about how long you have left. As you near the finishing line, time slows even further. Your estimated due date, or more accurately, the random date your healthcare provider gives you simply to torture you, is likely to be one of the slowest of your life as you wait for this baby to check his diary and realise it's time to be born.
Why Pregnancy Is Overrated #7: Increased Libido… For What Purpose?
All the experts claim that pregnancy is a sexy time, oh the glow, the increased libido, oh, and did anyone mention your boobs will get bigger? Firstly, as discussed above, not everyone experiences this glow. Secondly, increased libido? Is that another way of saying “haemorrhoids, stretch marks and indigestion”? If so, yeah, that about sums up pregnancy. Far from feeling sexy, you may have gone so long without even seeing anything below your bump, that you don't know whether it's all even still there. It may be so long since you last had sex that you're secretly worried there is now no exit route for the baby. And please, please don't talk about how great it is that boobs get bigger. Firstly, it's patronising to men to assume that would be a great thing. Secondly, if anyone so much as touches a pregnant woman's breasts, they are likely to be met with shrieks, cries and potentially a hand slap, because those big breasts are also likely to be very, very tender.
Why Pregnancy Is Overrated #8: Relax? Don’t Tell Me To Relax!!!
Babymoons, a great idea in theory, but really, who wants to go on vacation with the angry, sweaty, emotionally turbulent pregnant woman who won't let anyone touch her boobs?
Why Pregnancy Is Overrated #9: Haemorrhoids
Why Pregnancy Is Overrated #10: I’ve Gotta WHAT?!
You know that when you hold your baby for the first time, it will all be worth it. The backache, the sickness and the bad moods will melt away leaving you filled with a love so strong you think your heart may burst. But, until then, you can't help but think “I'm going to push a baby out of my what?!”
This article is completely tongue in cheek and has been written for a laugh. We hope you’ve been able to see the lighter side to a tiring time!
BellyBelly wants to acknowledge the many mammas in waiting who are trying to get pregnant as well as the mammas of angel babies. We very much understand and appreciate that there are many women (and their partners) that would so desperately love to be pregnant. We offer our best wishes and baby dust, and hope that your lucky month will come up very soon.