Why Does My Partner Look At Porn?

Before a baby comes along, chances are both males and females are interested in sex and seek to have sexual intercourse as frequently as possible. When a baby comes along it seems that many females, for the time being at least, do not feel as interested in sex as they previously did. This may potentially have to do with hormones, exhaustion, or the nature of the couple’s sexual relationship. When a baby comes along it seems that males in general do not lose interest in sex. Many of them feel just as interested in sex as they did prior to the baby coming along.

If the male continues to be interested in sex while the female is not, males may feel frustrated and potentially resentful while females feel pressured and potentially resentful. So what are the possible solutions?

  • Male forgets about sex (unlikely) – does anyone know a male who’s not interested in sex? Just because the female has turned off sex does not mean that the male has turned off sex in sympathy.
  • Female provides non-intercourse sexual satisfaction (caring, but unlikely) – she may not be interested in any sort of sexual activity. She may just want a cuddle and a shoulder to put her head on (to sleep).
  • Male seeks alternative partner (unlikely) – this is fraught with difficulties and most males don’t want to start another relationship just to obtain sex. They usually want their wives back.
  • Male engages a prostitute (perhaps, but also unlikely) – this may happen but it is likely that this is the exception rather than the rule.
  • Male masturbates (likely).

Taking everything into account, the most likely solution is probably the last one. It is also the one least likely to result in any serious damage to the marital relationship. However this can result problems that are a by-product of the sexual arousal process.

Generally men become aroused by visual stimulation. That is why there is a huge industry in producing lingerie. Women tend not to become aroused in a similar way. If males want to become aroused they will use their imaginations or tend to look for visual stimulation that is sexual in nature. This may consist of male magazines, erotic/porno magazines, erotic/porno movies or even porno web sites on the net.

Is this something to be worried about? Generally not.

If the female is concerned about the male obtaining sexual satisfaction by looking at erotic/porno web sites, but doesn’t want to have sex with him herself, she needs to ask herself what she is actually concerned about. Is it that she is concerned that her male is ‘turned on’? by another female, real or imaginary? It is that she is concerned that her male is ‘turned on’ by particular images?

Generally the men I have spoken to who make use of porno web sites would far prefer to have a sexual relationship with their wives rather than simply ‘getting their rocks off’ with some image on a web site. The female may request to be involved with the males sexual expression in order to help her to feel more connected with her male and less uncomfortable about the sexual arousal and satisfaction process in him.

However there are some males who develop more of a relationship with the providers of the image that is presented. For example they may become involved in some interactive sort of way (e.g. for a price). If the couple have been involved with others in this sort of way and they find this stimulating, that would be their concern. But if one of them tends to pursue this sort of relationship to the exclusion of the other, this would be cause for concern and it would be recommended that the couple seek psychological assistance in order to help them deal with the issues that may emerge.

Many men may feel that their wives have lost interest in them after a baby comes along and they feel this deeply and take it personally. Some even develop the belief that their partners are having an affair because they are not interested in sex with them. This is rarely the situation. The most common reason is that the female is simply too exhausted to be interested in having sex, particularly so if the male is a ‘car thief’ (gone in seven seconds) as there is simply very little satisfaction in the process for them. See BellyBelly’s article, Why Doesn’t She Want Sex With Me After The Baby?

What many men do not understand is that what a woman craves more than anything else in a relationship is ‘communication.’ An article in the Herald Sun stated that ‘wining and dining is the best way for men to woo women’ and the reason for that is that wining and dining is the situation that offers the most opportunity for communication to take place between the couple. Another thing that many men do not understand is that a women who has been looking after a baby all day and then in all likelihood preparing a meal for their male has been providing considerable nurturance throughout the day. What she values tremendously is to be nurtured in turn. Intimacy is another dimension that often appears to diminish when a baby comes along. Being able to be a ‘soul mate’ and, for example, being able to be able to be together (perhaps holding hands) and sharing thoughts and feelings in an intimate way without having sexual intercourse, is another aspect of relationships that many women value greatly.

Lastly, if the male can be sensitive to the female and what her experience is throughout the process of becoming pregnant, giving birth, and the most difficult process, looking after a baby day-in, day-out (one girl once said ‘If you’ve had somebody on you all day, you don’t want somebody on you at night as well!’) this can be very helpful for the female and leads her to feel more positively and warmly about her male.

By the same token there are several things that the male also wants in the relationship and the couple need to be able to feel comfortable about discussing them and understanding them in a way that does not lead to them feeling alienated from one another. Unfortunately many relationships are not built on a good understanding of various aspects of male-female relationships. However those relationships where there is a good understanding tend to rediscover their previous sexual relationships and find that it has become even better than it was before. A helpful solution for couples who are having difficulties in this area is to obtain some psychological counselling so as to enable the couple to become in SINC. This means that they are able to express the following qualities in relation to one another.

S – Sensitivity

I – Intimacy (not necessarily sexual)

N – Nurturance

C – Communication

There are many other perspectives that may be discussed in relation to these issues but if the couple can address the above four they are a long way along the road to developing an maintaining a positive relationship.

What if my partner looks at porn and I do not have children?

You might like to consider the following:

  • Why does your partner look at porn?
  • Does he understand how you feel about it? If not, why not?
  • Have the two of you gone an had marital counselling? If not why not?
  • Does your partner understand and appreciate what you need? If not why not?

What if my partner thinks that I will / may do some of what he saw in the porno?

  • Have the two of you discussed your respective attitudes and feelings in relation to sex? If not, why not?

I am worried about my partner fantasising about perfect breasts and bodies

  • Is that what your husband expresses? Is that what he is wanting? Have you discussed it? If not, why not?

If you are unable to resolve or communicate these issues to your partner, then it would be ideal for both of you to make some regular appointments with a psychologist who would be able to help both partners firstly explore and then discuss respective feelings, attitudes and wishes in relation to one another.

Danny recommends both partners read the book, “Why Men Don’t Listen and Why Women Can’t Read Maps”.

Written by psychologist, Daniel Chable.

 
Last Updated: March 12, 2015

CONTRIBUTOR

BellyBelly.com.au


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