They may look sweet and innocent, but toddlers are a force to be reckoned with. Behind those gorgeous big eyes lies a very devious mind, and anyone who has ever come into contact with a toddler knows this is truth!
Your toddler is sweet, loving and funny. But he’s also an evil genius who publicly shames you on a daily basis. You’ve probably grown so used to the daily embarrassment that you’ve stopped noticing it.
You could put the humiliations down to a lack of social filter, or simply an immature understanding of society. But you also can’t be blamed for suspecting that your toddler is doing it on purpose for his own amusement… and that he tells all his toddler friends about it when you nip to the bathroom. If you ever enter a room to find your toddler high-fiving one of his friends, you’ll know why.
Here are 10 ways toddlers have humiliated their parents:
#1: By Swearing
He might not have grasped the word ‘yellow’ yet, but he can perfectly pronounce that swear word that slipped past your lips that time in a moment of frustration. One minute you’re rubbing your poor stubbed toe, hoping your toddler didn’t hear what you just said, and the next you’re apologising to the other parents at preschool for your child’s bad language. And blaming it on his dad, obviously. Your toddler will never swear when it is just the two of you. He will only whip out those X-rated words when he’s with grandma, at preschool or hanging out with the children of your most upmarket friend.
#2: By Telling Everyone You’re On Your Period
Toddlers love periods, that’s just a fact of life. They spend a lot of time following their mamas to the bathroom, and therefore are no strangers to sanitary protection. On probably more than one occasion, you have had to peel an unused sanitary towel from the back of the door, the fridge, or the cat’s head. As soon as your toddler sees you with a tampon wrapper in your hand, he knows it’s time to start talking to strangers about periods. He will tell everyone he meets that you’re on your period, and he may even explain exactly what you do with tampons to them, if you’ve been naive enough to share that knowledge with him.
#3: By Telling Grandma What You Said About Her
Remember when you had a baby, and you could say whatever you wanted without ever worrying about it getting repeated? Yeah, those days are over. Now, every word that crosses your lips will be repeated, especially the ones you instantly regret saying. Your toddler will definitely break the news to your mother-in-law that you don’t like her cooking, hate the painting she gave you for Christmas, and often moan about her for being late. Your toddler will announce all of this as soon as you open the door to your mother-in-law, and then you’ll have an awkward four hour visit ahead of you.
#4: By Showing People Your Poo Face
You probably weren’t even aware that you had a poo face, until your toddler did an impression of it at your birthday meal. You know, the meal with all of your friends and family, where everybody was staring at your adorable offspring to see what he might do next. Nobody suspected he would pull that face and go so red whilst making a strange noise, like you do in the privacy of your own bathroom, apparently.
#5: By Offending Strangers
Toddlers have no tact. Seriously. Your toddler’s favourite thing to do is walk around the neighbourhood offending as many strangers as he can. Strangers to him, of course, but you probably see these people all the time. “Fat man!” your toddler will shout at your neighbour as he crosses the road. “Thank you, lady,” he will say to the man on the checkout at the corner shop. And “Look at that man!” he will shout at the lollipop lady, while she haughtily hurries you across the road. You will spend at least a year of your life simply apologising to strangers for the gender confusion. And don’t even think of taking your toddler swimming, “Oooh, look at that man’s little penis!”
#6: By Outing You As A Wine Drinker
Oh yeah, toddlers just love to tell the whole world how much wine you drink. A lot, apparently. No guesses as to why. Every time you walk past wine in a shop, your toddler will loudly ask whether you need more wine because you drink it all the time. And, of course, your toddler will totally exaggerate how much and how often you drink. If you pop to the shop in the morning to buy bread, she will announce to everyone you pass that “We had to come to the shop because mummy ran out of wine and was thirsty.”
#7: By Telling Everyone You’ve Done A Poo
Remember when your bathroom habits were private? Wasn’t that wonderful? Sigh. The good old days. These days, everything that happens in the bathroom is immediately and loudly discussed with anyone and everyone who cares to listen. Your toddler will announce it loudly if he thinks you are doing a poo in a public bathroom. Everyone will hear, and he won’t correct himself if it turns out he was wrong. And obviously, you can’t correct him because everyone will think you’re lying. If you sneak off at a family party to use an ensuite in peace, he will announce it to the room as you enter. “Mummy did a poo and it took ages and smelled bad.” Erm… Birthday cake, anyone?
#8: By Undressing You In Public
It doesn’t make any sense, because they are tiny and not very strong, but toddlers are always undressing their parents in public. You will be chatting away to a friend, with your toddler clinging to your legs, only to look down and discover that he’s somehow managed to pull your fly down. Or, even worse, he’s somehow pulled your trousers down a bit and now the top inch of your not-so-private place is on show to a room full of your friends and their children. Don’t even think about wearing anything as skimpy as a vest top, unless you like the idea of flashing your bra at strangers all day because your toddler will think nothing of whipping that top down whilst you’re not looking.
#9: By ‘Pretending To Be You’
As soon as he’s old enough to get lost in imaginative play, your life is over. Now, everything you have said or done in front of him over the past few years will be aired in public during impromptu games of mummies and daddies. You know those private things that happen within your home, but that you probably don’t talk about with other people? Your toddler is about to start acting those out with his friends on a regular basis. The fights about using all the toilet roll, the talking to yourself in the mirror, and the names you call your partner when you think he’s not listening, they’re about to become public property.
#10: By Having A Tantrum
Toddlers are really good at picking when to have tantrums. Sure, most experts think that tantrums are a result of a basic need not being met, but then how do you explain the epic timing they have? Just as a stranger stops to compliment you on your well behaved and beautiful child, he will seriously lose his cool and have the world’s most epic tantrum. Obviously, the invigilators from the Guinness Book Of World Records won’t be in the supermarket that day so it won’t get featured in the book, but you will still know it was world’s longest and most humiliating tantrum ever.