Hi my name is Belinda and my husband Matthew and I have been TTC for 3 years. I knew a long time ago that I would need help to conceive as I have PCOS, but didn't know it would take this long. We started with Clomid, then went to AIH and now to IVF. We have been on IVF since October 2003, have had 4 previous unsuccessful embryo transfers. We needed to go back and have some more eggs collected last week (16th July) and we have now had one embryo put back today (19th July).
Monday, 19th July, 2004
All day at work all I could think about was having my embryo transfer done. We were due to have it done at 12.30 and I was just so anxious, I had a good feeling about this one. We arrived at the clinic and the waiting room was packed (as it always is). Matthew and I waited patiently, although I could tell that he was anxious as well. He seems to think this is the one also. After waiting for ages, we went in and spoke with our doctor and the embryologist. The embryologist gave us a look at our embryos before he gave the ok for implantation. They looked good and both doctors sounded confident.
I got up on the table and waited for the embryo to be transferred. After a bit of “digging around” down there, it was done.
I didn't feel like coming back to work after that. I just wanted to go home and spend some time with Matthew. But I did the right thing and came back to work. I couldn't concentrate all afternoon, and of course, jumped onto the BellyBelly web site for some inspiration.
I feel good, but very “full” in my tummy. My breasts have been sore for a couple of weeks, usually due to the drugs that you take, so that can't be any indication of anything yet. I feel very tired tonight, and haven't done anything out of the ordinary, so can't explain my tiredness. I'll go to bed now hoping upon hope that this little life that is “floating around inside me” will attach and turn into a pregnancy….
Tuesday, 20th July, 2004
Counting down, 9 days to go (including today). I know that I have a “shorter” TWW than most, because I know when my embryo is going in, but its still REALLY hard!! I find out on Wednesday 28th July, so still over a week to go.
I still don't feel any different today, still got that bloated feeling. However, I am feeling very happy and optimistic this time. My skin is looking pretty good (which is odd for me) and my breasts are still REALLY sore. Can't even hug Matthew without getting hurt. Couldn't wake up this morning, still very tired. Its freezing cold in our offices, but I'm not cold. My work buddy is complaining about how cold she is, and I don't feel cold at all.
Its really hard being on IVF, because you know that you have a fertilised egg in there floating around, you know that you have “conceived” but its such a waiting game to see if that little embryo will attach to the wall of your uterus and form a pregnancy. Its almost like you are willing it to attach every minute of every day. And because you know that you are “pregnant” its really hard to accept when you get your test back and it says that your not. So hopefully this time will be different.
Wednesday, 21st July, 2004
Ok, so I've got a week left to wait. How gruelling!
Feeling very tired today, slept heaps last night, was in bed by 9.30pm, ridiculous!! Have been having “funny” cramping this morning. Don't know what that's all about. Just want this weekend to come, then that means I've only got a couple of days to wait. Seriously, its all I can think about. Perhaps if I was busier, I wouldn't have time to think about it.
Went out for lunch today, and all I could think about was eating a bit fat greasy kebab – so I did! It was scrumptious, now I feel sick!
Very sleepy again this afternoon, could be the drugs (progesterone). In bed by 9.30pm again, what's that all about??
Thursday, 22nd July, 2004
6 days to go. Went to sleep at about 9.30pm again last night and didn't get up till 7am this morning. That's not normal – surely? I think the progesterone has something to do with how tired I am. Still have tender breasts. I'm sure this won't go away. My nipples have been so sore and so “hard” all the time, so much so that you could swing buckets of water from them!! Ha ha!
Feeling a bit moody last night too, had a few “digs” at DH. Poor thing. He is trying his very best.
Just noticed that my skin is turning black where my jewellery sits. Now that's not normal. And is 18ct gold (wedding and engagement rings) that its doing it to, so not as if I never wear this stuff. Weird!
I've had some “period” type cramping this afternoon and this evening. Oh I hope that's not my periods coming on….
Friday, 23rd July, 2004
Miraculous! I managed to stay up until 10.30pm last night!
Have woken with a stinking headache this morning though, and am not willing to take anything for it, not even panadol, just in case… Took my temp this morning, just for a bit of fun it was 36.79 degrees. Not sure if that's good (elevated) or not, I'll have to get on the net and check it out…
Had a really weird dream last night – well a couple actually. The first one was me asking my deceased relatives if this pregnancy was the one and then I got a flood of yes yes yes, everywhere. So that's good. The second one was that I went to Melbourne with my hubby and we ended up on a boat and he went down below on the boat and came back and was a Brazilian? Weird? YES!!
Saturday, 24th July, 2004
Not feeling very well today, have a bit of diarrhoea – have had a little bit on previous days too, but not like this morning. Feeling a bit faint and not in the mood to talk to anyone as well – just a bit sooky I guess, possibly from the drugs, who knows? Have to use a cream called Crinone (inserted into my vagina) each night and it is a progesterone based cream. So its really hard to know what signs are pregnancy signs, and what are caused from the cream. Its really hard doing IVF, like I said before, you know you are “pregnant” but you don't really know…. And all the drugs that you take can mimic early pregnancy signs, so there is no sure way to know what's really going on. I have a Ball on tonight, so that will take my mind of the waiting. Have plenty of preparations to do for that.
Got my Ball dress on tonight and felt FAT! Arrgghh! Feeling very bloated and hope I don't get too uncomfortable during the night. Can't drink either, so hopefully I will still have a good time! My breasts are still really sore and they are seriously nearly spilling over the top of my dress. Ridiculous!
Sunday, 25th July, 2004
Last night was a good night after all, and I didn't feel too bad once I got there. Had a fairly late night and felt ok. Thought I might be tired again, but didn't get home until about 1.30am. Very glad to get out of my dress and get into my comfy pj's!!
Feel ok this morning, have a few slight “twinges” in my belly. God I hope its not period pain coming on.
Have decided to lay around all day and watch DVD's. DH is pretty “sick” today, but self inflicted so I've got no sympathy. Its about lunch time now and I've got a sore lower back and still have those twinges. I feel ok though, not sick or anything. But the pains are getting a bit more sore now. God I hope its not my periods. It seems to be on one side of my belly though, which is not like period pain. Its all on the left side.
Late in the evening now and still have those pains. They are more like period pains now. Oh no, what am I going to do if its my periods?? Just try not to think about it and hopefully it will go away! Still on the left side, but sorer than before… Not going to take anything either, just don't want to risk taking anything. Its not worth it.
When I get up tomorrow morning, I will only have 2 days to go (well 2 and a half actually, I find out after lunch time on Wednesday 28th).
Monday, 26th July, 2004
Still got those funny pains in my belly. Its kinda weird. They're nowhere near as bad as yesterday though, but still there. Its more like a dull ache.
Back at work and that's painful enough, so I won't think about my sore belly today, I'll just feel sorry for myself for being at work.
I am in a bit of a funny mood today. Just don't want to be bothered with anything, very unmotivated. I'm not cranky or anything, but I'm getting annoyed at silly things at work, like how I am treated by colleagues. A bit thin skinned you might say. I have just felt really sooky the last couple of days. I just want to be at home with my dog and my cats and curl up on the lounge and watch daytime soaps. Other than my sooky mood and my belly pains, I feel ok health wise. Just really hope they aren't period pains I'm getting.
Tuesday, 27th July, 2004
Tuesday, one day to go. I'm so anxious to find out, I feel like going and getting a home pregnancy test, but I know it would just jinx me! Feel ok this morning, still in a funny mood though and just want to be at home, I guess its partly because I'm so anxious about all this and just want to know!
Been a bit constipated the last few days, after my bout of diarrhoea on Saturday. Maybe that's where the pains are coming from???
I'm in a foul mood today, I think if I wasn't at work I'd be ok, but I am here, so – BAD MOOD!! Just about to leave for the day, so hopefully my mood will improve.
Been feeling funny today towards food, hungry, but just don't know what I want to eat, and nothing is satisfying my hunger. Also, I don't know if its just me, but everyone around me seems to have bad breath – eww!! Its making me sick.
Gonna go home now and get out of this foul mood. Tomorrow is the big day and I can't wait to find out, but on the other hand, as long as I don't know for sure, I can at least still hope that I am pregnant….
Wednesday, 28th July, 2004
D day. I'm so scared of getting this result. What will I do if its negative? I am really starting to think that it will be negative. Oh this is horrible, I just want to know! I went and had my blood taken this morning at the fertility clinic and they don't get the results until after 2pm. Its now 2.41pm WHERE IS MY RESULT????!!!
I just phoned them, couldn't wait any longer. Apparently there is a problem with a machine over at the pathology labs, so no results yet. I have been told they will call me once they have their results. Oh this is pure torture!
I was told that I need to learn patience, well this whole process has taught me that, that's for sure! Having to wait 3 years to get pregnant, and now going through IVF 4 times previously (this is our 5th go) and now today, waiting waiting waiting!!! Aarrgghhh!
Other than frustration, I feel fine today. My breasts are still a bit sore, but not like they have been in the last couple of weeks. Maybe that's a sign that I'm not pregnant? Oh for goodness sake phone, ring damn you!!
Well, just got the phone call, its a BFN (Big Fat Negative). So disappointed and depressed – I'm going home….