Sometimes I think my baby is going to extreme lengths to try and embarrass me in public.
Luckily for me, I’m on my second child so I don’t embarrass too easily.
As soon as they learn to talk, kids suddenly have more power when it comes to publicly humiliating their parents (especially in public bathrooms where they will talk very loudly about very private things).
Embarrassing Things My Baby Makes Me Do In Public
A little bit of baby embarrassment is fine by me. Well, I say fine by me, what I mean is that I don’t go bright red and start to sweat.
Instead, I just die a little bit on the inside. Here are eight of the ways my baby makes me humiliate myself in public:
#1: Look Crazy
I have one of those chatty babies. You know the type, constantly screaming and screeching and chattering away. We have whole conversations where she just screeches back to everything I say.
I always talk back to her, it’d be rude not to, right? Well, she doesn’t think so. She is more than happy to ignore me when she thinks it will be funny. It usually goes something like this:
Me: We should buy some potatoes.
Baby: screech squeal chatter.
Me: Would you like that? Do you like potatoes?
Baby: Giggle scream weird excited gasping noise.
Me: Yeah, no wonder, probably because you look like a potato.
Baby: …*sad stare into the distance as an old lady walks past shaking her head disapprovingly at me for saying my baby looked like a potato*
Failing that kind of hilarity, my baby just goes completely silent and looks away so I look like I’m talking to myself. She always does this when teenagers walk past.
#2: Flash My Tummy
I’m going to be honest here and say my stomach has never been made of muscle. It has always been on the chubby side, but things have definitely gotten worse. Now, the skin is saggy and stretched.
My baby is still young so my stretch marks have not yet faded to silvery whispers, instead they are still dark and angry. It’s the kind of stomach I’d prefer to keep hidden, but my baby allows me no such luxuries.
Instead, when I go to wrap her in the sling she somehow tangles my top up in her legs so my entire belly hangs out. Sometimes I don’t even realise it has happened until I feel the cool breeze on my bare skin.
#3: Look Like A Weirdo
My baby finds herself to be hilarious. One of her favourite games is called ‘what the hell is this woman trying to do to me’. Or at least that’s what I assume it’s called because my baby can’t actually talk yet.
Sometimes, when we are out in public she screams and cries with hunger. Then, when I whip out a boob to feed her, she recoils in horror from my approaching nipple.
She acts as though she has never been breastfed in her life, and actually she isn't even my baby so why am I trying to feed her?
I'm probably imagining it but I swear I can feel people watching me, wondering if I'm a weirdo who just likes to flash my nipples at innocent bystanders.
#4: Look Like It’s Take Your Baby To Work Day
We’re doing baby led weaning which basically means my baby is consuming very little food but having a hell of a time hurling it around the room. Life would be much simpler if I could hibernate for the next few months until she gets the hang of eating.
Instead, I persevere in my quest for a normal life and simply take her out for pub lunches, afternoon teas and evenings meals. This is, quite frankly, ridiculous because she inevitably ends up covering the entire floor around her highchair with whatever food I've ordered for her.
Steamed veg, pasta, pizza – whatever it is, she smears it across the table, wipes it in her hair and then throws it onto the floor beside her. By the end of the meal, her highchair sits atop a carpet of neglected food.
I end all of my meals out by asking the serving staff if they have a dustpan and brush I can borrow, then I proceed to sweep up the mess as though I am a member of staff and it’s take your baby to work day.
#5: Laugh Really Loudly
My baby has this amazing little laugh. It sounds like a fake laugh. She does it to all my jokes and it makes me feel a bit like the funniest person in the world but also a bit like maybe she is more intelligent than me and is already making fun of me.
One of our favourite games is to fake laugh at each other. She laughs at me, I laugh back then she laughs back. It brings us great joy.
It’s also a game that should be played at home alone, except my baby didn’t get that memo so she insists on playing it when we’re out and about.
We’ll be walking down the street or sitting in a busy cafe and she’ll suddenly laugh loudly then look at me expectantly. I can’t leave her hanging, she’s a baby, so I’m forced to join in no matter how humiliating it might be.
#6: Tell People She’s Sucking Their Shoes
I wish I could write this as though it had only happened once, but I’d be lying. This has happened three times now. What can I say? My baby loves shoes.
As soon as she learned to crawl she headed straight for the shoes. It doesn’t matter whose shoes or whether they’re wearing them at the time. If she sees them, she’ll suck them.
On three separate occasions (I think you’ll agree this is too many), I have had to apologise to women at baby groups and explain that she is sucking their shoes. Usually, the women haven’t noticed until I drag my shoe-licking baby away from under their chairs. I actually think we’re starting to get a bit of a reputation.
#7: Flash All The People
I think everyone in my village has seen my boobs at some time or another. It’s just impossible not to flash them when you have a baby who whips them out at every opportunity.
I took her swimming once and she lifted my swimsuit right down so that a boob fell out. The right one, if you must know. That is the only time she has ever been swimming.
She is also to blame for my flashing the delivery guy, the postman, the bartender and my hairdresser. Yeah, cheers for that, kid.
#8: Cover Myself In Snot
I am always covered in snot, it is one of the perils of babywearing. And breastfeeding. If she’s snotty (which she always is), I’m snotty. It gets on my top, in my hair, on my nipples, on my mouth (never kiss a poorly baby before checking they are not covered in snot. Gross).
No matter what I wear, my clothes glisten with the slime of fresh snot. What am I wearing? Motherhood.