How funny is it that once I had the epidural my first thought was I can't wait to be sharing my birth story on BellyBelly, yet now every time I try to write it I don't want to let go of it, like writing this is the final chapter in my pregnancy"

I am mourning my pregnancy and feeling my bubby inside me and having her all safe and close to me" I want to share my story tho so I will try to make it a good a read as possible. Sorry its so long, I tried to shorten it but this is it"
At 35 weeks and 6 days I lost a small amount of my show, this sent me straight to the laundry to wash all of her clothes and nappies"
But then nothing else happened"
At 38 weeks a little more show"and some pretty real Braxton hicks
Then at 39 weeks and 4 days on the 30th of December I started to have contractions. They were straight away at 3-5 mins apart lasting 60 secs"this went on from 6pm at night till about 5 in the morning". Then out of complete exhaustion I tried to sleep for an hour or so" I have never wanted to feel period pain so badly in my life, but they sorta eased off into nothing".
Hubby was given the -have sex with me' orders as I was sad that they had stopped, he obliged and they started up again".
Later that morning on the 31st of December we went for a swim at my dads hotel, dad was sitting on the side of the pool timing the contractions" they were back up to 3 mins apart. It was so nice to be sharing this special time with my dad. We are very close and he was so cute sitting there with his little watch and being concerned and, well, just perfect"
We went home after a while as they had eased off again" more sex was on the menu"
Dad was coming over for tea that nite before they went out for New Years" the contractions came and went, sometimes worse than others but all bearable caz I knew they were for a purpose". After dad left hubby and I watched Ab Fab dvds and The Young Ones dvds"I think I may have slept between 11pm and 2am.. and woke up confused and not feeling myself"
I said to Paulie(hubby) we have to get this show on the road I cant keep having no sleep". So we went for a big walk along the Gold Coast highway".BIG MISTAKE. There I was, cranky at on again off again contractions, and every drunk man and his dog were slurring us a happy new year" grimacing between more painful contractions I tried to return the festive cheer, I-m sure I wasn't too convincing"
We got home and more dvds" Then at 10am the next day- the 1st of Jan, we had two electricians putting ceiling fans in" this was perhaps the least suitable situation to be in". our two toy dogs were barking there heads off, drills and banging and hurly burly mens voices" and I was upstairs in our bedroom with the two dogs rolling on a fit ball as the contractions were getting more and more painful"
It was such a crazy time but looking back I was so focused and ready it didn't phase me half as much as I thought it would"
At 12pm Paulie rang Rosie my midwife and said we were thinking of coming into the birth centre… she said see you at 12.30!!!
Ooooooooooo it was all happening, I gave the dogs a big last kiss and cuddle as my last time as just their mummy and we were off"
At the BC at my first VE I was 5cm dilated and Rosie was so happy at all the work id done at home" but then she said, oh but she's in a really crap position, she's posterior"
So she had me on the fit ball bouncing from one butt cheek to the next" after an hour of this I felt too queasy to continue so I had to rock my pelvis during each contraction in a standing position"
I was in too much pain to do the circle correctly so Paulie had his hands on my hips guiding them correctly".
An hour or so into this I started getting really teary, partly from the increasing back pain and partly because I was reflecting on my life and mum and sister and people I love and I just felt so in touch with my feelings that I just let the tears flow" It felt good and cleansing.
It was at this point that Rosie stepped in and comforted me with words and rubs and love. She helped me to stay focused and I gained so much strength from her. It was so important at this time that she was female and gentle and caring.
Next a shower was in order as the pain was starting to make my legs buckle.
I asked for Rosie to keep being with me , I was in the shower for 2 or so hours?" the pain becoming hideous at this point"
While I was in the shower the bath was run, as I had planned for a water birth" when it was ready I hopped in, it did give me relief in between the contractions but the time between was so short " I could sense them slowing down and Rosie ordered me out of the bath as this wasn't what we wanted. Next I was on the bean bag" Making quite a racket at this point" I started to pass out with the height of each contraction; the pain was making me feel like my spine was breaking"
Rosie had me up on the bed for another VE, it felt like her fingers were knives and then she said you are only 5cm still" 6 and half hours later and no progress". So she broke my waters and I screamed in agony".
Rosie said gas? And I said no, Rosie said I think u need epidural and I said no". then came another contraction and Rosie said -you have done really well but this baby still hasn't turned and you are in such pain, think about it". Next contraction I said, ok"
So my BC dream and water birth dream gone" I had to be transferred to the hospital.
It took ten contractions to get five metres" I had to walk down the hall to get to the general labour ward. Rosie chucked a warm blanket around me (as I was naked) and said follow Paul down the hall and if you drop this the world will see you.
Once in the new room I climbed straight on the bed on all fours and continued into the constant stream of painful contractions"
Soon Rosie was in there too putting the foetal heart rate thingy on my tummy and telling me to suck on the gas" I don't know how much time passed but soon a very overdressed (I mentioned this to Paulie, how I was completely starkers and this woman even had mitten covers on her shoes) anaesthetist was in front of me blubbering on about what this may leave me with and blah blah blah" I said yes, ok, sure at the end" I barely heard what she said I just couldn't see or hear anything but pain. She went away and then I got propped up on the side of the bed and the anaesthetist said the most hilarious thing I've ever heard" -now you can't move during the contraction as im putting this in"�, I went from staring at Paulie to staring at Rosie" thinking "is this woman serious?"�" she's asking me to stay still while it feels as though my spine is crumbling out my b$".?
But, I stayed still" Rosie, holding my torso and Paulie gripping my hand.
So then it was in and only worked on the left and then she fixed it and then all was calm"
It was now I shed a few quiet tears, I apologised to my unborn baby for letting her down, I apologised to Paulie for not being strong enough, I apologised to Rosie as we both knew how bad I didn't want to be in the hospital bit" and I know I had to have it and I know I disappointed no one but at that point I just felt really down on myself.
Then the shakes started… I was shaking like id been left out in the snow; this made it so hard to relax"
A little while later, maybe 30 min" Rosie goes" oooh what's this? The epidural had fallen out and there was a big wet patch in the sheet- lucky sheet ey- getting all the drugs" But it had done its job enough for me. Feeling started coming back into my legs and it became time for me to push. Rosie told me later that as the anaesthetist was putting in the epidural I had started to bear down and push. But thought it had taken me so much mentally to get to that point that she wouldn't mention it) (I'd dilated the other 5cm in 30 mins!!!) Another midwife was bought in to help feel my tummy so id know when to push, but with the epidural soothing the sheet I was able to feel a sensation that told me when the contraction was.. so at 8.45pm I started to push, and boy did I push (I forgot to tell you BC policy means Rosie can only work for 12 hours at a time and she had to finish at 9pm. There was no way I was doing this last bit without her. She later said she had made the decision to stay regardless as this too was important to her.) Paulie held the mirror for me to help see her coming out" the first little bit of head appeared and I cried, an ache in my heart started, an ache that I will have for the rest of my life". This was my baby girl, I was about to meet this precious little soul" I fell in love with a lumpy skull" so I continued to push and then more and more of this hairy lumpy head was appearing" finally Rosie said slowly now" slowly. I panted out the last of her head and then her slimey slippery body just followed all on its own.
Rosie placed my little angel on my belly and as I type this I am crying (AGAIN) she was there, on me, part of me. My heart and my soul and hers together face to face and she was perfect. So perfect. She wasn't crying just staring and taking it all in. I had prepared myself for a cone headed slimey mess and she was nothing at all like that. Her head was round, her skin was velvety smooth and her big big eyes were so happy to be there. It was the most blissful moment of my life.
My first thought was "thankyou' to Rosie, something special happened in that room, between her and me, she was more than a midwife she was a strong, caring and gentle woman" she gave me the power to do the most important thing as a woman. Then I looked at Paulie and he looked at me and I fell in love with him all over again and I looked down at Eden, and I knew I was going to be such a good mummy. I had been given such a precious birth.
She weighed 3.95kg, 8pounds 11 ounces (and I had no tears.) HC 35cm, length 51 cm.
Born at 9.01pm, only 16 minutes of pushing. It hadn't all gone according to plan but really. And I mean really, it was still perfect. I had unconditional support and trust in Rosie and Paulie and I will do it all again in a second. I walked out of that room a different woman. I love who I have become because of this, perhaps I'll cry easier for a while to come but I am a stronger woman now than I ever knew was possible.