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Thread: We may be getting a little girl.....

  1. #19

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    Default Re: We may be getting a little girl.....

    I hope you are working through all of the what ifs with your psychologist, as it can be a hard gig.
    My inlaws fostered for years and the things that the children had seen and dealt with, they in turn had to deal with too as well as the difficulty of saying goodbyeetc.

    I don't know you, or your history, besides what I have seen on here, and I'm surprised your psychiatrist thinks that a child in a vulnerable situation is a good "distraction" and a way to help you, but I'm not a psych .



    I really do hope you have something beyond an amazing support system around you, and best wishes for the assessment tomorrow, let us know how you go.

  2. #20

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    Default Re: We may be getting a little girl.....

    I have to say I agree with sahbear. I am absolutely gobsmacked that any psych would suggest a child, especially a foster child who usually comes with their own set of special needs, could be helpful to your mental state. I find that completely irresponsible. Irrespective of you, your situation or your mental health. A child is not a medical aid. And the only reason a foster child should be put in anyone's care is because the carer is able to help the child. Not the other way around. o.O

  3. #21

    Default Re: We may be getting a little girl.....

    There are some awesome points being made here, however I see nothing wrong with Keike going through the process.

    The checks are so stringent that if she gets through it's because it's obvious she has the ability to provide care for special children (some of these little darlings come with horrific back stories and a lot of need for specialised parenting)

    I'm pleased you have something to focus on and work towards. Be prepared for it to go either way and whatever is the end result, please please be sure you have your safety net ready xx

    I do know the detail of the background check is incredible. Not only for the primary carer but also for those in the family who will be in immediate contact with the child. I would assume that the psych felt Keike had met all the requirements of her mental health plan and is functioning well to recommend this. (I've had an almost 3 year break from BB and am only just back in the board this year. Sorry I haven't caught up with everyone's updates yet)

  4. #22

    Default Re: We may be getting a little girl.....

    Keike you are probably feeling unsupported, however this is a huge thing. I've dealt with foster children and foster carers, I have friends who have also fostered. It's not something that I would have thought anyone would have considered healing to someone with mental health issues. I've known couples who have had a baby to mend a marriage, but like Rouge said, a child isn't a medical aid and rarely does a baby repair a marriage because the damaged marriage is still there regardless.
    I would also be concerned, aside from your personal issues, that just a few months ago you were ending your marriage for a variety of reasons.

  5. #23

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    Default Re: We may be getting a little girl.....

    Oh for goodness sake, I think I was pretty specific in what I required from this thread, and one of the things I didn't ask for was everyone's opinions.

    My psych did not recommend getting a child like they would recommend taking a pill, I had asked if she felt it was something I could cope with at this time or if I was overreaching. Her comments were saying that it would not be detrimental to my mental health, and might even prove to be beneficial. I'm not trying to foster a child to make myself better, I'm trying to foster a child that needs a loving and stable home. Hopefully it will be permanently but even if it isn't, at least they will have had some stability. I have been responsible and discussed it with outsiders who will provide me with their assessment of whether or not I can cope, and they feel that I can. DCP will soon start digging into every aspect of our lives, and if they decide that we can provide a safe and loving home for a foster child, then that's what will happen. If they feel that my mental health provides too much of a risk, they will reject me. Either way, I will have done it, and I will know.

    And now, I would like to respectfully ask that if you are unable to answer the questions in my original post, feel free to leave your opinions to yourself.

    ETA - Was typing while others were posting. You're right Ausgirl, except 'unsupported' would be a magnificent understatement, and has been particularly hurtful when coming from people I had considered friends.

  6. #24

    Default Re: We may be getting a little girl.....

    I agree Hun. Nothing wrong with making the application and good for you for a) consulting your health care team about it and b) being realistic with what to expect

    You have some great resources in the first replies, let me know if I can help by asking my friend anything specific

  7. #25

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    Default Re: We may be getting a little girl.....

    I agree Keike, this thread went way off topic. As I said in my first post please feel free to pm me

  8. #26

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    Default Re: We may be getting a little girl.....

    I think you're gonna get a few PMs from me in the future Danita!

  9. #27

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    Default Re: We may be getting a little girl.....

    That you are being vouched for by the Aboriginal community involved is a big plus for your application. Cultural safety is paramount for vulnerable Aboriginal kids. It will be incredibly testing, particularly during schooling years where the effects of family separation and other things endured will come to the fore (my mum has been involved with Aboriginal kids as both a teacher and a psych with CAMHS in East Gippsland, and I hear similar things where I live in schools, which is why the Learning Stones program - google search - is so valuable and hopeful for all involved) - that will test both you and your husband's relationship quite a bit.
    My DP's aunt and uncle have adopted a child after many years of fostering the child , and are still looking to adopt another child they have fostered for the same length of time. They lost their son (aged 20) about 13 years ago and have an incredible marriage and still have the intrusion into their personal lives.
    By the same token, I know another lady who adopted a boy with her late husband after losing their 21yo twins in a car accident, and a once strong marriage became toxic and abusive after the adoption because of the past they had tried to 'fix'. So, it happens even where there is no existing marital complication.
    The thing is, you WILL get other opinions that don't flow as nicely as your aspirations want them to and it's just something you need to accept, because you will not have everyone in this adoption/fostering process making it easy for you - and it's much harder to take from the people who make the decisions than from people in a forum who are here to both support you and see things from the perspective of the impact on the child, given how we know things have played out for you and your DH. You don't see it as support because it's not in your wish-list. I can see that their comments of 'contraindication' are actually supportive OF you (even if not TO your plans) BECAUSE of the community you have been a part of in BB
    It's a parenting forum that will give you feedback not only on your parenting, but also offer experiences and reflections on welfare issues you might not immediately see.
    Having some involvement in Aboriginal issues, I would just reiterate what you probably already know, and that is that it would be your overwhelming responsibility to the long-term wellbeing of this child to constantly reinforce her belonging to her Aboriginal community and Country, no matter how that goes against your own religious beliefs. I hope that has already been considered and adjusted for between the two of you and the wider network that will be facilitating the fostering. You will be making a lot of effort to not only understand but take part in that culture, and not the other way around, as happens with biological children who have no choice but to be absorbed into their parents' values system. I think you'd find it very enriching, at least! Please do look up the Learning Stones - they are currently being rolled out in one area but are not geographically specific; the education department will facilitate them anywhere there is interest and the potential for the project is enormous.
    I write this not just to you, but for the benefit of anyone else reading this thread who is considering your path - that's what happens on forums; a question asked by one is being lurked by countless other people with the same question So, please also take the other replies in this vein - it's not just for you, but for a wider audience to whom this question is relevant.
    I hope the best outcome for you and the girl is reached, no matter which way it goes.

  10. #28

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    Default Re: We may be getting a little girl.....

    Edited, didn't see Keike's comment before posting about sticking to the OP.
    Last edited by PumpkinZulu; February 16th, 2014 at 11:05 PM.

  11. #29

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    Default Re: We may be getting a little girl.....

    Keike- thanks for the update! I have everything crossed this works out well for everyone. And if this little girl is not the one then it sounds like she has already provided the gift of hope and focus for you and your partner and that's a really exciting time. I know this is a new beginning for you

    I just wanted to add, I'm not sure of all of your history being referred to here. I know vaguely of some of it, but not much. I don't follow the forum a lot though so it could be that but for your privacy I wanted to point out that if these are things you have discussed in the members only forum then everyone needs to keep it there and not discuss it on the rest of the forum!

  12. #30

    Default Re: We may be getting a little girl.....

    Just wanted to say in regards to the comment about these ladies beings your friends, in my opinion, friends do tell you the blunt truth at times, even if it is painful.

    I'm sorry you feel unsupported, as per your request, I won't comment any further.

  13. #31

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    Default Re: We may be getting a little girl.....

    Good point Meow, I do normally post my own stuff in Plat. Luckily I don't have any secrets, cos the supposed privacy of that section has been blown out the window!

    I understand the opposing viewpoints, and none of them are points that I haven't already considered and discussed - the difference is, I discussed them with people who know the ins and outs of my daily life and mental health, not people who only know what I choose to post. I came here for some specific information, and I've gotten some very helpful information. The judgements are unnecessary because they're based on incomplete information.

    Now let's move on

    Does anyone homeschool their foster child/ren? Homeschooling was something we want to do for our hypothetical biological children, and unless DCP doesn't allow it, I think it would be a better way of getting Aboriginal culture into her schooling. I don't remember learning anything about Aboriginal culture or even proper Australian history including Aboriginal history when I went to school

  14. #32

    Default Re: We may be getting a little girl.....

    With the National Curriculum which roles out this year, there are strong units which cover Australian History and the Aboriginal culture, so check out ACARA to see if this suits you.

    The homeschooling question is probably best asked to whoever is doing your assessment tonight

  15. #33

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    Default We may be getting a little girl.....

    Quote Originally Posted by Bumperstump Cummerbund View Post
    Good point Meow, I do normally post my own stuff in Plat. Luckily I don't have any secrets, cos the supposed privacy of that section has been blown out the window!
    Just to clarify, I'm not platinum, but over the years I have read about your struggles in the open section, in threads from centrelink queries, real estate queries, boohoo's, ttc, medical conditions forums to name a few.

    I also apologise if I offended you somehow from my observations, not what I intended, especially about a subject close to my heart for a variety of reasons which I won't go into.

    I sincerely wish you all the best, I won't comment further.

  16. #34

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    Default Re: We may be getting a little girl.....

    I'd check with all your local schools first, and if there are schools with other Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander enrolments (they'll tell you how many, just not who they are) I would think it more valuable to have her go to school with other Aboriginal kids she can identify and share with. And, as I suggested, if you request Learning Stones the department will need to look into it, as it is already being rolled out very successfully in South Gippsland and beyond. There will be a Koori Liaison Officer who services the school in some capacity. And the curriculum IS changing for the better all the time.
    In fairness, you yourself divulged the psych and the 'fix' as well as the distraction from other issues going on for you, in this thread, when other members asked if it were wise to proceed, given vaguely referred to recent events. If that's of concern, you could go back and edit this information to vague it out whilst maintaining the integrity of your forum question so that it can be valid for others in similar positions.
    The gist of my replies really rests on the Aboriginality aspect, more than anything else, and concerns I have about keeping that connection strong for the child. That would be my priority, and will also help mitigate issues of belonging as the child gets older and all the knock-on effects that notoriously has.
    There are so many resources available to help you with Aboriginal culture and your local traditional owners (if she's from that community). You're vouched for, so information will be easier to come by! And that, Keike, is a massive privilege, of itself

  17. #35

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    Default Re: We may be getting a little girl.....

    Quote Originally Posted by Bumperstump Cummerbund View Post

    Does anyone homeschool their foster child/ren? Homeschooling was something we want to do for our hypothetical biological children, and unless DCP doesn't allow it, I think it would be a better way of getting Aboriginal culture into her schooling. I don't remember learning anything about Aboriginal culture or even proper Australian history including Aboriginal history when I went to school
    I think you're looking at this too much like it would be your own child, and it's not. I highly doubt you would be allowed to homeschool either. I know a woman who does short and long term foster care and she is catholic and ideally she would send them to the local catholic school, but she was not allowed - they had to go to the public school. THat was 7 years ago though so it may be different. If they won't allow foster parents to choose a particular school, I doubt they would let you homeschool.

    What you need to be doing is actually talking about this with the agency people/DOCS, not an internet forum. People can give you all the anecdotal experiences in the world, but they aren't in your particular situation and their experiences aren't going to be the same as yours. I think you've been too harsh on the people who have posted things that you don't particularly agree with. You're the one who has put this out there for discussion and I'm sorry, but not everyone is going to agree with you or only tell you what you want to hear. You can't block out that stuff and only listen to what suits you, because it doesn't work like that. People are just being realistic and if you don't like that, then perhaps don't post and speak to the people who actually can give you the answers you need, not the ones you want.

  18. #36

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    Default Re: We may be getting a little girl.....

    I've got a friend who fosters children and she home schools them all as well as her adopted and biological children. They are in NSW so I don't know if it would be different. It could be a possibility though. As others have said something to check with the agency.
    Going to a school with other aboriginal kids could be good though. I guess if you are successful then you need to work out all the options and go from there.
    Best of luck.

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