Biting: need new strategies

So, DS2 has turned into a biter.

He bites in frustration and anger mostly. If another child takes something off him, or has something he wants (toddler rule #2 - if you have it, it is mine ) or is annoying him, he will get upset, grab them or their clothes and chomp. He also throws things or hits with whatever he is holding, in similar situations. But mostly bites.

Clearly in these situations prevention is better than cure. So I am generally right there with him and when I can see it escalating I will deal with the situation before it reaches that point. When we have friends round with kids that I know might be a problem (generally the same age are the difficult ones - older kids will go play with my older two, leaving him and the littler ones together) I will stay with him wherever he goes and make sure nothing happens, or stop it before it does.

I know he doesn't know how to share and I am also of the "you don't have to share everything" school of thought, so I respond by working out who had the item in demand first, lots of cuddles and "I know, it is tough when your friend wants to play with your special toy, isn't it? Let's get it back/find something else" (whichever is appropriate). This works, mostly. Should I be doing something else?

But when it is just him and one or both of his siblings, I obviously can't hover around the entire time. I need to do stuff around the house... go to the loo... etc. If I can get to them before it happens, great, but often it reaches that point too quickly for me and next thing I know DD or DS1 is running to me crying that DS2 bit them.

Poor things, they've really copped it. Sometimes they are upsetting him, either intentionally or by trying to protect a precious toy or artwork, but the other morning DD was playing with him, rolling around together and it seemed to be out of the blue, he bit her arm. I am not sure what she was doing but there wasn't any crying, he sounded happy, then she was screaming.

I didn't react well to that one. Not my finest parenting moment, I yelled at him and put him in the thinking spot. Which I am sure was pretty ineffective.

So, what else can I try? Mostly it is a result of frustration. I'm just at a loss as to how to stop it. I hate being on tenterhooks any time he's with other people's kids. Should I be more directive on what he should do in those situations? I say "that's not how we play with our friends, we play gently" but I don't know if that's really getting through...

Gah, biting is such a tricky one! As you know, DS is much younger than yours but he has in the past been a biter too If it were me (with DS older) I would have done exactly the same as you, after that if things weren't improving I would turn the ball around and tend to the other child instead. Fussing over the bitten child, checking if they are ok, making a generalised fuss. Basically ignoring the less than desirable behaviour but showing DS that when he bites he isn't in trouble but that he wont get the reaction he expects either. I know that is isn't very eloquent and I apologise but I hope I have made a bit a sense!

FWIW DS used to bite for attention, out of irritation, to get your attention but also he was 'over loving'. He would get so cuddled up and excited with love and cuddles he would end up nipping out of love he had such an overrun of emotions and didn't know what to do with them ITMS

I'm not sure there's much else you can do. Being right there and stopping him is the best strategy, probably, but unfortunately it's his siblings who will cop it mostly. It's a horrible feeling being *that* parent, so you're doing a great job to keep on top of it. I think they tend to just grow out of it with a bit of time.
It's good to model alternate behaviour, and to talk to him about the way to behave, but with little kids and their low (no!) impulse control, it really does come down to physically stopping them much of the time until he gets a bit older and can begin to regulate himself.

Thanks guys... Appreciate it

DS was a bit of a biter, but due to proximity/opportunity mainly - like the situation with your DD he would be totally happy and then a body part would end up near his mouth and was like he couldn't resist the urge to have a chomp!! I just taught DD to do her best to avoid arm/leg etc and mouth closeness and that helped. It seemed to come and go a bit maybe associated with teething.

Make up a song about biting is for apples...yeah yeah yeah...do we bite our friends...no no no. Try to remind him and then hang in there until he grows out of it.

I'm dreading that phase again.

Arcadia reminded me - i have a book called "teeth are not for biting" if you want to borrow it. also have "feet are not for kicking" and "hands are not for hitting"

HotI I might have to borrow those...!

We don't have biting, but we do have the escalation of a minor dispute into a physical free for all between the almost 5 and 3 year olds. What I have been trying lately and am having success with is letting them own the problem. So instead of rushing in there and telling them who something belongs to and who had it first etc and solving it for them, I ask what is happening and they will tell me, then I will say something along the lines of "so that is the problem, what is your solution" and then they have to come up with a solution. If they are being stubborn I suggest something, like turns or an alternative item but more and more they are coming up with the solution on their own (with me standing by). It is music to my ears when they want the same thing and instead of grabbing and pulling at it (and each other!) I hear one of them asking if they can have the next turn with it with no help from me. Obviously it doesn't work all the time and you have to factor in tired/bad mood/stubbornness etc but we are making progress.

I think it is about giving them the tools to solve their own problems and then supporting them while they learn to put it into practice. It is hard though.

Have you considered acknowledging wants and feelings consistently? I think that biting can be lots of things- frustration, excitement, not having the words to speak up for yourself, development, an expression of strong feelings etc. it's my understanding that it'll pass with brain maturity. I think Janet Lansbury has written some good stuff on the topic. Xx

DS1 was getting really consistently bitten at daycare for a while there, and so they ended up doing a seminar after hours about biting. Some things that I remember (or have been able to google...) are:-


1. Google "yo gabba gabba don't bite your friends" and see if he gets it ...

2. Figure out why he's biting (you've obviously turned your mind to this already). Ones we looked at include:-

• Doesn't have the words to convey an emotion (anger, frustration, joy)
• "Punishing" someone/something (my sister used to bite the furniture that didn't "talk back" to her, so everything other than the old big radio stand has little toothmarks on it ...)
• You are standing too close to me
• I am really excited (I love it so much I will eat it)
• I want to play with you / I want your attention right now
• I am sensory-ly overwhelmed / frightened right now
• I wonder what happens if I do this ...
• I need more active playtime
• I am over-tired
• Teething / need oral stimulation

3. Patience. Very few children are still biting others 12 months down the track, and I gather those who do end up being very famous boxers and soccer players, so all's well that ends well ... right?