Funny things you said in labour

This is the funniest thread I have ever read!!! All 7 pages, LOL.

I can't really remember much about my first three, lol, but with my last I just kept saying "I can't do this anymore, I want to go home" and "how much longer, how much longer"...I'm sure I said that a million times.

Near the end during every contraction I was just kept repeating "f**k, f**k, f***********k", and between contractions I would apologise the whole time for swearing and then start swearing again with the next contraction, LOL.

Every time the midwife told me to push I would try and push but I would also try and cross my legs, LOL. The midwife kept telling me "you can't cross your legs, the baby won't be able to get out" PMSL. (I think I was subconsciously trying to keep him in there cos I wanted a May baby...I have no idea why, LOL). I ended up pushing him out with one midwife holding one leg and my other leg up over another midwives shoulder. (pushed him out in 9 minutes, thank god!!!)

This Thread is HILARIOUS~! Thank you girls!

I did the whole usual i'm never having kids again speech... told my step dad he can stick future grandchild up his *^*^* when he asked how i was going, i should point out my signature at this point and you'll see im 31weeks preg lol!... Just after Izzy was born the m/w told me she wanted another push i asked Why? (der the placenta hahaha)

Can't remember anything else :) will come back in a couple of weeks lol!

I was my sisters hand to squeeze when she went into labour at 34 weeks.
She basically said
" Thank god this baby is prem or i wouldnt be able to s@#* it out"
then with her second she said
"GET ME MACCAS! I want a quarter pouder with connnnnnnnntracttttttttttttttttttion and a chocolate sundae"
it was very funny.

This thread is so funny!

During transition with my DS I told the m/w that I was just so tired and that I just needed to rest and go to sleep, she said she could offer me some pethidine, ( they didn't really believe i was in labour at that point), I said no I don't think you understand I don't need pethidine I actually needed a general anesthetic. BTW I had DS 20 mins later!

While I was pushing, I said F#@K twice and then apologised quickly saying " Sorry i know I sound like trash". :redface:

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Just after Izzy was born the m/w told me she wanted another push i asked Why? (der the placenta hahaha)

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LMAO! I remember with Angie (the one where I was high on gas) the Middie said "Now we have to get the placenta out" and I was like "WTF? Its not over yet????" I also remember asking if it was going to hurt as much! Ah to be young and naive again... How else did I think I was going to "disown" the cord hanging out of my whooha!

hehehee great thread.

This is not me being funny but my midwife.

I had completely lost it and had been telling my husband and my midwife that I wanted to to skip gas and anything else they had to offer and go straight to the C/S. My midwife kept gently, calmly saying 'no, hun, that's not what you want'. When I kept pleading she eventually said firmly 'Look. You really don't want me to give you a cesearean. I've got no surgical training and I'd just make a terrible mess. I'm not that good with blood either and I might just pass-out or spew!'. I was so out of it, I barely registered that she was joking. I just thought she was being really difficult. DH laughed though!

Later, when the doc came in and said he wanted to examine me, I said 'watch out, I'll tell my baby to bite you'. He didn't get it at all and just said, 'if she can bite me, she's in a really bad position'. Dumb*ss!!

I find it pretty funny that I apparently only swore once during labour - I have a filthy, FILTHY mouth and DH and my mum were expecting a four-hour long string of expletives :) But I managed to behave myself even though I was in so much pain!

I think the midwives were a bit taken aback at my reaction to the gas - I've never had it before, and was astounded at how similar it feels to being high on pot. I sucked down a few mouthfuls, starting giggling and announced to DH, 'OMG you HAVE to try this, it feels like I've just pumped down ten bongs - I need to eat it off or something... arrrg, the dries! It even gives you the dries! It's just like dak!' lol... (ftr I quit smoking pot when DH and I got together and haven't touched it since lol, I just couldn't believe how similar the feeling of gas was to being stoned, right down to that weird headache behind your eyeballs!).

And then there were the multiple requests for 'ciggie breaks' lol... I was DYING for a cigarette and just wanted to hop up off the bed, go down to the courtyard (designated smoking area near the ER) and suck down a nicotine hit to get me through... I must have been off my head with the pain because I got annoyed when the midwives told me there was no chance of that happening lol :) Even as I was haemorrhaging 3 litres of blood I was asking if it was alright to get up and have a shower and a cigarette...

Gothmum!! What a crack up!! I love it!

I also have a filthy, filthy mouth, but for some reason was able to be quite a pris. Dunno what the heck happened there.

Both my mum and DH were with me when I had DD. I think I might have said to mum "I'm not doing this anymore, you can do it for me"

I also remember one time looking at the clock and saying "I have to go home and feed the cats"

When I first went into labour and the midwife came to my house to see how I was going, I told her that I was going to have the baby by lunch time that day. My waters had broken at 2am that morning. She just said "we'll see" lunchtime came and went and then I decided I would have the baby by dinner time and be in my room able to have dinner. Dinner came and went as did breakfast the next day!

LOL i love this thread!!!

Yes i also thought i sounded similar to Darth Vader when i had the gas!!!!!
During transition i told DP to call my sister because i all of a sudden didnt want her there anymore as i was in too much pain lol....

I remember asking for an epidural and the midwives said 'oh no we will just try the gas and then maybe the peth.... i turned to DP and yelled THEY ARE NOT ****ING LISTENING TO ME!!!!!! lol oopsie ;)

Also i needed to pee really bad while i was in the last stage and my student midwife said 'oh do you want to hop off the bed and go to to the toilet?' i replied 'THERE IS NO ****ING WAY I CAN WALK TO THE TOILET RIGHT NOW - GET ME A ****ING BEDPAN!!!!!!! lol

ummm also the usual i cant do this, im never EVER having sex again, get your hands away from me!

OH and.. Im pooing!! 'no your not!' YES I AM!... no laura you are not pooing... IM POOING I CAN FEEL IT IM SORRY!!!!... FWIW i didnt actually poo.....lol

After I had my epidural I could hear the lady in the next room screaming and kept telling my midwife that 'that lady reallllly needs an epidural' and 'someone should go and tell her how good this is . . . she needs an epidural'. Apparently I was quite insistant :redface:

After both my births when they lifted each of my babies on my chest, I am another one who kept saying over and over again 'it's a baby'.

While I was in labour with my 2nd The Bold and The Beautiful was on tv. I was watching it to keep my mind off things, anyway it was at the time when Brooke was going to tell Ridge that Bridget wasn't his child but was in fact Erics. At the end of the episode she chickened out and didn't tell him. I yelled out mid contraction "I KNEW SHE WOULDN"T TELL HIM!!" Everyone in the room was in fits of laughter.

The funniest thing that I realised years later, is taht called that baby Brooke! She was not named after Brooke on B&B.

When I arrived at the hospital I had to lie on my back for monitoring which was the most painful part of the whole labour, I grabbed my husband by the scruff of the neck an said "Nicole Kidman is never going to be able to do this"!!!!!

I remember saying "I cant do this and i want to go home" and my doula said to me, remember what the books said, you're going through transition and i said to her, Dont you DARE lie to me, i have only been labouring for 5 hrs so there is NO WAY i am going through transition yet- i then promptly continued to spew in the bag they'd given me :D

I also remember at this time that the middie said, well i think its time to move to the birthing suite (i had laboured in my hossy room) and i said What for?? - She said well you want to have your baby dont you? and i replied, well i am not walking to the birthing suite and the middie said, no hun you won't have to walk, ill get you a wheel chair - i laughed at her and said you WILL NOT be able to find a wheelchair in a maternity ward cause they are only for people who have broken their legs WTF??! - Anyway, by the time my OB arrived to watch me birth DD the profanity had set in and when DD was crowning - i actually sang "Mother ***ker this hurts" to the tune of happy birthday?! - My OB said he wished he'd brought his dictaphone to record it, he had never heard anything so funny :redface: - My DH said he could not believe it when he heard the lyrics coming out, he thought i'd lost the plot :D

When DD was crowning, the midwife asked if I would like to touch her head and grabbed my hand to guide it. I yelled "WHY THE **** WOULD I WANT TO FEEL THAT?!!" and jerked my hand away from hers, hitting her in the boobs!!

I remember the birth of dd3 - Hannah, was going quite fast, and i was pushing. The midmives told me to wait for my Ob - and i said "Can't you guys just do it!!!!?"

another funny one wasn't while i was giving birth but after it. My bottom was sore - roids- and a nurse came in with a suppository - i think i must have gone incredibly pale and said -" nothing or noone is going near any of my holes again!!!"

In labour with my son I told my mother that I knew I had to give birth but that I didn't want the baby anymore and that she could have it! My partner looked very surprised!

And with my daughter two weeks ago I told my partner 'dont touch me!' to which the female ob answered 'I say that to my boyfriend all the time and I'm not pushing a baby out!' Even I laughed!:lol:

haven't read everyone else's, but I said a fewtimes, bout the 8cm mark 'I want to go home. I'm going home now. I'm tired'