Stressing about visitors after birth already!

DP and I are extremely private people, and we both hate heaps of people over any way. I think i'd just let parents and my younger siblings, and my parters little girl (not mine) come and visit, and thats only at the hospital.

Then when we got home, just us. Send out a message to everyone saying we want our privacy for the first week or so. And then after that, call first, dont just drop in, cause if you hit that doorbell and you wake up my newborn, your going to have one p***ed off mum with sore nipples to deal with. Haha

When we messaged people about DD's arrival we said visiting hours are strictly 2-3 (or whatever they were) but please call prior to visiting.

Also the best thing was we made up a sign for the front door that said "Do Not Disturb - Mother and Baby resting" and put it up whenever I was not up for visitors - it kept people away.

If people are at your house and you need to rest or feed just say:

"I'm about to feed, it will take about an hour so you may want to go to the kitchen and make yourselves a cuppa - and while you're at it can you get me some water? You might want to get lunch/dinner/washing up started while you are down there too"

But if people are sensible they will ring first and ask when is a good time. At that point you can give them a date 2 weeks away so they know they can come over - just not yet.

We made the huge mistake of calling someone when I was in labour. It was actually DH. He kept telling me "call my mum and elet her know". I REALLY REALLY did NOT want to talk to his mum but he kept asking me to call her so I called her. Now, of course, they decided it would be a fab time to get in the car and go to the hospital and wait for us. So they were pretty much sitting in the ward when I came up after Claire was born. It was horrendous! I was all groggy because I had had pethidine and here are my in-laws wanting to chit chat. MIL should have known better - she used to be a midwife. They ended up staying for a couple of hours and I just didnt have the energy to tell them to go. I was trying to subtly hint to DH to tell them to go, but he wasnt catching on. He didnt care anyway. Towards the end of my labour, my sister rocked up and they let her in!!!! WTF?? Who does that??? But The one i was more angry about was the IL's WAITING at the ward for us. GO AWAY!!!!

SO, I would recommend not telling anyone tha your in labour (except the people that are going to be there for the birth of your baby). Then when baby is born, maybe sending out a messge to say the baby has been born, but please no visitors until, for example, 3 days from then. I wish I had done that! Alternatively (something I am considering doing for next time), tell everyone youre going to XYZ hospital when you're actually going to ABC hospital. IF they're selfish enough to invite themselves without asking, they're going to go to the wrong place.. HAHAHA funny!

i remember so many people visited! i was overwhelmed! when we have our next, i think i will just make a rule that nobody visits until i am ready! DP's cousin and her DH turned up unannounced when DP has gone home for a shower (i don't even know them well!) and i was so annoyed. they wouldn't go away! i know they meant well but his cousin just kept going on and on about negative stuff regarding newborns and i was OVER IT in the end!!!

ask ANY midwife and they will tell you how annoying it is when people visit all the time! my midwives were telling me i had to be firm with visitors about visiting times. but i felt so awful not being straight up with the visitors. next time though, look out! midwives are so lovely, they really look out for you :p

I was pleasantly suprised when I had both of mine, people came for short visits and then went home. I didnt tell anyone I was in labour, and when I wrote my text I said visiting best between x-y times.
It is def. good idea to make a sign for the door and hang a note pad and Pen up so people can leave you message and you can get back to them at your own convienience. Mine said "Mother and baby resting, Disturb at your own peril!! hehehe

Anyone that just rocks up though, and doesnt realise you need your rest, is a bit rude, so dont feel bad about telling them you are tired and it is time to leave.

I enjoyed the visitors but I was in hossy for 5 nights so I would've gone nuts without them. At home I did find it a little harder, particularly when I was trying to BF & express. I would just go to my bedroom while I did what I had to do and then return to the lounge. Some visitors (like my MIL) come in handy because they will do washing or housework for you. Most people (other than the grandparents of bub) didn't stay long when they visited so it wasn't that intrusive.

SJ, here's my retrospective birth and baby plan.

No bugger is going to know I'm pregnant.

I'll have this baby at home, on my terms. Without bullying from family and health "professionals".

You can hear that there's a new baby ONLY when I want to to visit.

As your family already know you're expecting, just don't tell them the baby is here until you want visitors. And tell people you're doing that.

You have no right to know I'm pregnant, in labour, or have had a baby. It's a secret. And why? Because all your opinions and un-announced visits (in-laws only) and criticisms annoyed me too much with DS.

I didn't want visitors - before OR after the birth (don't believe it when people say you WILL change your mind when you have a baby - I didn't). Thankfully DS slept for the hospital visits so everyone left fairly quickly!

I didn't tell anyone I was in labour and DP texted a message to everyone later.

I only allowed a small number of visitors. THere were a few of his rellos that really wanted to come but I put my foot down and told DP that I'd be putting the Do Not Disturb sign up so tell them not to because they's be wasting their time. They DID come but weren't game to breach the DND sign! Next time, I think I'll reduce the number of visitors even further. I didn't even talk to my folks (who live in the UK) until about Day 6.

My friend actually came up with a really cool plan. She was lucky enough to be able to transfer to a hotel from her hospital so she texted everyone and told them that they could come meet her new daughter between 6-7pm in the bar. That meant everyone could come who wanted to but she got through heaps of people in just one hour.

Since we're having a homebirth i have decided not to let people know i have had bub until day 3 (ie, if bub is born on wednesday, i'll let them know on Saturday) MIL will be here for the birth and is staying for a few nights after which i will find a blessing so i can feed bub without distraction and she can entertain the other 2 kids. But other visitors will p*ss me off especially on day 2 i am asuming, as both times i have had bad baby blues on day 2.

Also you need to remember, even giving set times for visits doesnt mean you wont be feeding bub at the time as bub will feed whenever they want as they wont have a set routine yet, IYKWIM? So these people need to know this and if they come and 5 minutes later bub is hungry, you have every right to tell them to rack off (kindly lol) cause you shouldn't need to feel like you have to go into the bedroom to feed just to get away from them. Breastfeeding is hard enough without the 'advice' and gawking eyes of well meaning people.

Such a hard one this issue..

For us we didn't tell anyone except my parents, sister and my hubby's parents that I was in labour. Just the immediate family (both grandparents, my sister) came after the birth and only stayed about 40 minutes. Luckily DD was born 4.22pm so by the time I got to my room it was about 8.00pm and everyone left. I called my close friends from delivery to tell them my news but as DD was in nursery and had feeding tube the first day I let everyone know that I spoke to who said they'd visit that they couldn't hold DD. As for BF'ing I just did what I had to do. I told people when I was about to and if anyone was uncomfortable they'd leave (no one ever did but I didn't fuss as I'd had heaps of practice while in hospital and would just be relaxed about it, no hiding in my room).

Also our hospital had GREAT visiting hours and really strict about it. Only 2 hours in the morning and 3pm till 8pm. I was in hospital for 5 nights (by choice as my milk didn't come in until the 4th day) and we really didn't have a great deal of visitors either in hospital or once we got home.

Our birth announcement was sent via email to all friends/family and went out with my hubby's mobile number on it saying if they want to find out visiting hours to call DH. DH had 2 weeks off once I got home and as our DD was a treasure and slept so well we literally got bored and ended up asking people to come visit us. Can also just ask people to call you before visiting to make sure you are up to visitors. One of my friends actually made a sign for her front door that said "Mum and Baby Sleeping. Please visit us again soon." She would hang it up in case of unannounced visitors and it solved that problem.

It can be such a swing on both sides of the extreme so I say just have some ideas and go with the flow once the events happen. It is such an amazing time that it's better to be relaxed about it and go with the flow.

Hi SaraJane :D,

I hope your delivery goes well. I understand where you are coming from, hopefully it works out for you and that people respect your privacy during the first few days. Good luck!

Thankyou for all the advice girls!! Omg, I can't believe what some ppl have done!! Some ppl are just rude and selfish!! I really hope I am pleasantly surprised like some of you have been and there's actually no problems at all!!

What about everyone wanting to hold baby? Did you find that annoying? I don't know how I'll feel but I don't think I'll want them being passed around to anyone and everyone that comes to visit.

SJ -I was in for 5 days too so I actually enjoyed having visitors and the days that I didn't have any dragged for me! When we got home it was pretty quiet too, and most people rang and were respectful and stayed for short visits and left. My hospital was VERY strict on visiting hours too so that really helped. I think having the sign on the door is a great idea for people who pop in - we had most people call beforehand - I think it's a bit rude just to pop in without letting people know you are coming over, when they have just had a baby, but I guess it does happen.

I think it is such an exciting time and for me I was pleased to be able to share that time with close family and friends. Having said that, we both have small families and don't have hundreds of friends so it wasn't an issue. I found that we had to convince some friends to stay for dinner at times, we were happy to have them and they wanted to leave! :)

As far as holding goes, if you are holding bub when people arrive and they are asleep you can just say, oh he/she just fell asleep and I would prefer not to wake them up, or if in bed same excuse. You can always also say you are about to feed even if you aren't. Again, we didn't have that many people over, so the ones that did come I was happy to have them have a little cuddle while we chased Izzy! Good luck with it hun, and it is your time and your baby so just be firm and it will be fine.

Xxxxx

When DD was born my parents and DH's parents came the next morning (she was born 8.59pm). I was fine with that as I wanted them to see her and be involved. Plus it was a bonus that I'd had a good sleep before they came. Our sibliings (DD's aunts/uncles) also came later that day but only stayed a short time.

However it was my extended family that caused problems. My parents rang them when DD was born and told them that they could come for a short time only but not to bring their kids. They turned up on day 3 with their kids and it was crazy - their kids were running around in the hall and my room was packed. People had to stand out in the hall because they couldn't fit in my room! I got fed up and went and told a midwife who came and told them all to leave.

My advice would be to see how you feel after the birth. Be prepared to ask people to leave or get somebody else to on your behalf - get your DH on board too!

Hi SJ,

I've skimmed this post and there have been some great ones!

I was very much like you (not was, still am, but YKWIM!) that I didn't want everyone intruding and playing pass the parcel when it was Shel and my time to be a family.

I needed Shel on my side (which I had) absolutely and completely as I knew I wouldn't be able to actually say "ok, time to leave" to any visitors. We were lucky in that Jazz was born late afternoon so we didn't tell anyone until about 8-9pm and then it was too late for any visitors :lol: We had a cue (which we used for her family :rolleyes: as they were the only idiots who overstayed their welcome) and Shel would say "are you ok? You look a bit funny? Maybe you should rest... why don't you lay down with Jazz for a bit" to which most people will say "we'll leave and let you get some rest". Works every time :D:D

To be honest though, and someone told me this when i was pregnant and I didn't believe them but for me it was so true. On the day after she was born I wanted visitors! LOL! I know, crazy, but I couldn't wait to show her off to my parents (who came up at lunch time).
Didn't have the same enthusiasm to see my ILs of course, but who does :p

I didn't want her to be parcelled around though so we just said that the midwives didn't want Jazz to be moved around too much because we had a tricky birth (again, very circumstantial, so you will probably have to adjust). But that was good so Jazz didn't have a million and one people pawing at her. Of course, i always liked being able to say "ok, she needs a feed now", and just holding her myself. No one is going to take a feeding baby ;) or a baby who isn't "quite finished, she's just having a break and letting her tummy settle" :p

The best advice I have is when you don't want visitors, shut the front door and put a sign up that says "we are resting, please come back later". Anyone who disrespectfully ignores that, well you have permission to let new-mummy hormones take over ;)

Hi
I have already made it clear to family and friends that I am not having ANY visitors (besides husband and kids) while I am in hospital. I have been able to use the excuse that I will be having a ceasar and feeling yuck.
With my previous two births (not ceasars) I found it very tiring, especially not knowing who would turn up at visiting time and felt that I had to at least make a bit of an effort and look a bit reasonable, even though all I wanted to do was sleep.
If you are up front about what you expect it should make it easier for both you and your family. I think the idea of not telling anyone you are in labour is great! And sending a text to announce the birth - stating visiting days and times, is also a great idea. At least then your family all know where you stand and can't expect that they can just drop in whenever.
I didn't mind having my closest friend visit but I did mind other friends and family coming and bringing their noisy and overactive children with them. This can be incredibly draining.
L.B.

I think it's mostly about managing expectations with your family and extended family. The ones that you think will be a problem, probably will be, so give them the worst-case scenario. For example, we knew we were having a c/s and it was scheduled last thing in the afternoon, so we told MIL (who had previously told us she would wait downstairs while I was in labour :rolleyes: and told DP he could then come down and have a cup of tea if he needed a break. Yes, she's a complete nut job and has only gotten worse...) that we would probably be delayed and by the time we got back to my room it would be really late, so not to expect a phone call until after 10pm. Because it was going to be 'so late', we wouldn't be having any visitors until the following afternoon at 3pm and she was welcome then.

We were actually delayed, and that was the time we called everyone in the end. But I felt GREAT the next morning and we rang MIL to tell her she could come and visit at about 10:30am, when it suited us. She was delighted at the unexpected offer and very accommodating on that day.

Our hospital had very strict visiting hours, so although we had plenty of visitors it was only for one hour, twice a day. I had a complication on day 2 and a procedure to fix it on day 3, which interrupted visiting times. Most people were reluctant to pick up a sleeping baby from its bassinet. I found if I was already holding her they assumed I would pass her over. And yeah, blame something medical for not wanting to pass her around. Ask your midwife to pick a few excuses for you that sound believable.

I still managed to p*** off my MIL, but that was kind of inevitable!