What role does the father of baby have in the decision of where & how to birth?

I would say (c) but if there was a sticking point which couldn't be compromised (eg: either it's x or y, and there's no where in between) then (d) for that part, then revert to (c).

At the moment i am thinking e). I am the one who has to be pregnant, labour and birth this child and live with the consequences (physical & mental) of the pregnancy, labour and birth. Why should i (how can i) delegate that decision in any way to someone else? I do worry that going this way may harm our relationship, but i worry more that if i don't listen to my inner self and make decisions that work for me this time, and then something goes wrong that the relation will be hurt even more.

My first birth i was probably b) or d). trying to be a good girl and please everyone else. if everything had gone ok, or if i felt comfortable that the decision was right (even if things hadn't gone ok), i wouldn't even be thinking about it. Because it didn't, i am frustrated with myself for not doing what i wanted.

i'm still digesting some of the comments, and i thank you for responding. Gotta feeling it may be a little while before i have it all worked out in my own head.

I'm somewhere between D and E in my beliefs. I guess I married my husband because he's someone whose opinion I value so I would always take it into consideration. I think he would vote D, but perhaps C because he thinks he "should" to show he's interested and involved. Truthfully though he always believed it was my decision and he said he trusted me and my knowledge of birth options to choose the best choice.

When it came to making the decision I used him as a sounding board but I didn't make the best choice first time around (talked myself out of a home birth and went to a birth centre). Second time around I started to do the same thing and he stepped up a bit more that time and talked me into the home birth (well, mainly he told me I needed to take money out of the equation and choose the option I most wanted).

Interesting question. I'm not sure how to answer really, even though you have clearly given us option a, b, c, d or e to choose from lol I had never really thought about. dh just respected that 'I' would be the one giving birth and he wanted me to be as comfortable as I possibly could be and did everything in his power through the pregnancy and birth that he possible could to make sure that happened. So I guess my answer would be d

Thinking about this more, I don't think I would be married to the person if my answer wasn't somewhere between C and D. It's not just about birth but all the key decisions that affect me - work, contraception, more kids, money.

I think he would like to think the answer would be A! I also know he would hope for B but in reality we are stronger than that.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Personally i'd say D - after DD1's birth i needed to be confident in how i was birthing with DD2 but i also understood that DP missed DD1's birth and he had just as much right to express his feelings towards what would happen next.
In saying that he attended 1 appointment and all the choices were left up to me as in his words "you did it so easily last time".
I would have loved to have attempted a home birth (properly this time) with DD2 but i knew it was something that DP would not handle so i didn't explore that option further.

I agree that YES it is the woman's body and she should be able to choose how to labor but i think that partners should also have a choice in how their child enters the world, i don't think it's as clear cut as 'my vagina, my choice' :rofl:

I don't think you'd be delegating anything to anyone HotI. But to truly just say to someone that you are going to do it your way, irrespective of what their opinion is or feelings are, then feelings are going to get hurt and probably not yours. I just do not think that it is really sensible to do that to your partner when they are going to be the ones you need to support you through the toughest times of your pg, and eventually your birth. I know for me, I *know* I couldn't birth with confidence if I didn't have the support of my DH and if I had to go through a birth with him either sitting in the room with me and being unsupportive because he disagreed with the choices I had made. Or, depending on how much I'd upset him with my choices, not there at all.

And what happens if it all goes to **** again and you need his support afterwards to help you through it again? I'm not saying that will happen at all, but it's something that does need to be taken into consideration. If you alienate him about the choices made for birth, do you think he would help you pick up the pieces if those choices put you in the same predicament again? It would be really hard to go to someone and say 'hey, I didn't listen to you earlier, but now I really need your help to get me through this again' and it may be hard for that person to just forget that they were not listened to in the first place and help you when you need it kwim?

And I think what if the roles were reversed - how would you feel for example if he just said 'My body My Choice' and went and got a vasectomy when you wanted more children? Wouldn't you feel like you should have been part of the decision making process? It comes back to the amount of trust in the relationship. If he can trust you that you will do the absolute best for both yourself and the baby, then it's fine if you just do what you want without consultation, but if he is unsure, then you have to help him work on WHY he is unsure.

Now I do think that you can still retain 100% bodily autonomy because it IS your body and it IS your baby, but it's also HIS baby too and I think that if you truly do want to do things you way, then you at least owe it to him to get him on your side and see things you way so he can support you unconditionally. I think it is a bit of a cop out to blatantly say 'my body, my baby' because it just doesn't work like that. I don't get how women do that and then once the baby is born it becomes OUR baby ITMS. It's not fair to the partner. However I do understand that when trauma is involved, it is a whole new ballgame. That's why I think it is so important that you do have 100% support because you are going to need it. So you can still have E, but just include a little bit of D to start with.

For me personally, it is D but I know when in labour it was C. Having said that, I am more than comfortable with how my labour & birth went & in particular that DH helped make decisions when I was in labour - I was not coping well & was a little panicked, whereas he was really calm.

My DH would say E. We've had this discussion before (a similar thread was on this site a little while ago) & he told me it is my body, my choice but for me, it is equally important that he is involved in the decision making process, although ultimately it would be my decision.

And in the end i will probably do that Trill. and a little part inside me will die. and if stuff goes wrong another little part will. Is that we women/mothers do, put others needs/wants before ours, even in important issues that involve our bodies and our souls?

(when i say something goes wrong, i am not talking about having a medically necessary c section or any other intervention that i believe is needed. i am talking about not having my beliefs or rights respected)

:hug: hun, I'll come twist his arm. :)
Atleast your DH is willing to give an opinion and research, hoping you can both agree.


Sent from my iPhone, more than likely while I should be doing something else!

So you don't think he's going to come to the party on this with you? Do you think maybe that he is still dealing with a little bit of trauma as well from your last birth? Men handle these things differently to women. From what I have read about the place, men seem to be the ones who tend to go rushing for medicalised birth when there has been a previous trauma because they seem to think that Dr's can stop all of these bad things happening again. But what they neglect to realise is that it is the Dr's who more often than not create the trauma. They don't equate homebirth (for example) as being 'safe', they only see it as being dangerous because if the trauma that occurred last time was in a hospital, how is being at home away from all the machines that go ping going to be any better kwim? Men who seem to be able to understand all that tend to be a rare creature indeed. If a woman had a PPH in a hospital that was caused by interventions etc, a man might only focus on that if you suggested homebirth and start with 'what if you bleed', not realising that when you are away from the interventions, then you are LESS likely to bleed.

I really think that for you to get your E, that you just need to work on him and help him understand why this is what you want. Most of the time fear is borne out of simply not understanding the situation properly and I reckon if you can get to that point where YOU are 100% happy with what is going to happen. You need to start at D to be able to get your E does that make sense? If he understands all that you are telling him and why it is so important that you do it, then he will be more likely to accept that you want to do it your way. If you start at D, he gets a chance to validate his concerns and it lets him have an input.

When I said above that I know I couldn't birth with confidence without DH's support, that is coming from my own situation where there has never been any trauma. I never had that baggage I had to deal with first. I imagine that if I had a traumatic birth, then my whole perspective on this question would be different, especially if some of the trauma happened because I wasn't supported by him or if he let things happen that shouldn't have happened.

So you are coming at this from a completely different experience to what I was and I totally understand that there is a need for some women to completely reclaim their bodies and their births by doing E. I just think that to get to E, you probably do need to work through the others first :hug:

The trauma last time was caused by the doctors though. What does he think will be different about going to hospital this time? Because you're in a MW led unit? Maybe he needs to learn more about transfers and hospital rules regardless of which part you're birthing in.

If my H wasn't on board I'd start moving towards E and offer him support and education so he could understand my choice.

this is such a difficult issue to discuss because everyone comes to it with their own experience and no two situations are the same.

I think Trillian is 100% right in saying that men handle situations differently to women and in the most part, I think they can put their head in the sand with birth issues a bit as it is not being 'done' to them, they do not have the pregnancy and birth on their minds constantly when pregnant in a way we do as women and they don't have a sense of how long lasting the effects of loosing power over your body in such an intimate way can be. It can be incredibly difficult to get to that understanding for some men and I completely understand your desire to protect yourself fiercely in any way you can to avoid birth trauma.

I agree in some ways that one needs to take a partner's opinion into consideration when making decisions that ultimately effect both of you, but there is justification for a line being drawn in some circumstances. I was pretty hardline with my DH about his attendance at DD2's birth and I got into a lot of trouble from my Midwife about that, mostly along the lines of give him time, allow him to be part of the decision etc. Problem was, I knew him too well. I was let down in the first birth and I knew what I needed this time around. I knew that giving him time to come to a decision about the birth would have been squandered as it was last time and that he would not have done any research, become involved in the decision or discussed it with me in any meaningful way. I decided this time to deliver the ultimatum, my way or you are not involved at all. I have never, ever given an ultimatum before and I generally don't believe in them. I think they are disrespectful in the most part, but, this time I really needed to take care of me. I was still open to discussion if my DH wanted it, but I was firm and clear on many things about the birth that he had to come to terms with.

To say he was angry is probably an understatement. That was something we had to work through though. In the end it was a very healing process and I think that all the preparation I did along the way really helped. For me it was a situation where I had to make it mine and make it work. Maybe there is a little of that for you too?

FWIW, I know this is a little off topic but I found the best way of helping DH understand where I was coming from was watching films and docos. Reading and research just is not his thing for birth. He has enough reading and research in his work. The business of being born, Orgasmic birth and home birthing dvds we got from our midwife really helped Dh 'get it' and opened up good discussions. I would highly recommend them, especially The business of being born!

ETA: I just remembered that I also got a pretty angry response from a number of my friends who thought that my hardline approach to my birth rules were totally inappropriate. But, again, they don't know the intimacies of our relationship, have not walked in my shoes and don't know the full story of why I did what I did. They based their disapproval on their relationship with their DH, on their previous birth experiences and their ideals of what rights a dad has. I don't think they were wrong in their beliefs, I just don't think they should have forced them on to me in such a judging way. With regard to your opening question, it is great to consider this issue and use the responses here to work through the issues but ultimately, I believe, you have to do what is right for you this time. You have to do what you can to birth safely for you and your baby and you need to ask your Dh to support you in that. You have that right.

First time being pregnant and having my DD, I did it all alone so everything was my decision and I know I can do it all without support. I am finding it really difficult to 'share the journey' this time, especially as everything went so well last time, kinda feels like I know what will work for me and what won't. My default is E, simply because of my experience last time but I am trying very hard to be at least a D.

I know my partner would be happy with E. I guess because I do have experience and he doesn't, he trusts my judgement about it more. I wouldn't make decisions without at least discussing it with him and explaining why I wanted to do whatever it was I wanted to do. So far he has understood my thoughts, concerns and agreed with my choices so it is working out for us.

I would have been aiming for c), and going to d) if I had to.

For me it was really important to have DH's support. I knew I would really struggle if we were on different pages, so his opinions & wishes would influence mine anyway. But ultimately, I was the one doing it. I was also the one reading and asking questions; he wasn't. So I figured I was better qualified to make the decisions anyway, and he agreed. He had his opinions but it mostly ended up with me telling him how I wanted to do it.

As for him - I think as far as things went last time, he would agree with me (that it's up to both of us but I get a bigger share of the decision making). But I know if I (hypothetically) fell pregnant again & decided on a home birth, we would have some arguments. And in that case he would probably say it should be a joint decision. So... it maybe depends on how big the choice is, and how much it affects both of us.

I understand completely your worries about how your relationship might be affected if you don't follow your heart. We have been in a similar situation (different choice to be made) - there was my way or his way and no in between. I went my way because I knew if I was pushed into doing it his way, that would be the end of us.

It might not be an easy decision to make, but I wish you peace with it :hug:

HotI, would you have a doula or other birth support person? That way, the birth support roles can be defined and split - for example, when planning the births of my boys, my DH was in charge of emotional/moral support, encouragement, logistics of driving and remembering my bag, calling the hospital and our birth support person (a friend/student midwife). I thought his job would be also verbal encouragement, but in the end I mostly wanted silence, and his presence was enough. It was the other birth support person that I relied on for advocacy, to be familiar with my birth intentions, to have a copy of them, and to remind me and the hospital staff - this is what she wants. To talk my DH around if he turned out to be a bit panicky or unreliable. To fill any gaps.

So for me, I guess DH got to be main support person, on the proviso that he stuck with what we agreed beforehand (and I am blessed that he did, and also handled unexpected issues quite well). The second birth support person was my safety net - if DH fell apart and failed to advocate/support well, or started to agree to things I didn't want, the support person would step in. I'd really recommend a second birth support person - it gave me a huge peace of mind - and I definitely think DH as well, knowing that if he felt out of his depth, he could consult with the other person who knew me and say 'what do you think she needs'. He wasn't alone in an unfamiliar situation.

I'm not very good at standing up for myself. Since having DS I've found one source of strength when it comes to birthing etc and that is my children. It's not just about me and what I want. It's about their safety and wellbeing too. If a mother is not respected, what hope does a tiny, defenseless baby have? I won't be a compliant, good girl if my babies are on the line.
Of course if your baby's safety required it, I bet you'd have the caeser without drugs if need be. But you have to know it's necessary. To know that, you need to be in a safe space, cared for by someone who is not only competent and experienced, but who respects your autonomy over your body and ability to make decisions for yourself, as well as recognising that birth is the mother's responsibility.

Perhaps I'm lucky that my husband is both a fabulous support person and an excellent advocate. If he were not, I hope that he would respect me and my need to keep my babies as safe as possible well enough to support me in making these decisions and finding alternate support people.

For me it is a B). i trust dh's decision making and we usually agree on the 'big issues' in life anyway.