The birth story of my second little alien princess ~ 03/12/14

I need to get this down sooner rather than later, I need to get my true feelings and emotions out before I forget/block them out. Mainly before I do start feeling ok about it (which is already happening) because at the time I was far from ok about it all...
Unfortunately this story isn't empowering like Spock’s was. One day I am sure it will be, but at the moment I have a lot of parts that I’ve had to move through. In saying that, despite all my things I want to change and am currently angry about my lack of being able to, this is still the story of my daughter’s entry to the world. And I am confident one day I will celebrate it as much as she deserves me to.
Also, this is my experience and my thoughts and feelings on a C-Section. If it offends anyone I have to say too bad. Because it is just how I feel and I can’t get past that just yet.
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We originally planned to TTC when Spock turned 1. With our history and unsure and really expecting it to take a while again like Spock, I was keen to start asap. Unfortunately my body appeared to not be ready. Despite my having regular periods since giving birth (I never skipped a beat), the Fertility Specialist tests showed I wasn't actually ovulating on my own (or at least didn't for that one cycle they tested). I was still demand BF Spock around the clock and the FS said they could make me ovulate, that was easy, but they would need me to wean, as it wasn't guaranteed to even work with my BF hormones, and they weren't sure exactly what would go through my milk etc... I had to make a choice. I wasn't ready to wean Spock in the slightest. So decided to wait another 6 months and see what my body was doing then (and how Spock and my BF relationship was going then) and go from there.
6 months came and went and they happened to be the worse 6 months of our lives, a lot of stress and trauma making it impossible to even consider talking to the FS again. One of the main issues was money and my not having work, despite my best efforts...(and a specific traumatic experience in November). But jump forward to February I finally had a job, and had worked a couple of weeks and gotten a pay slip. This was enough for me to finally accept that yes this one would work out, and I was employed. I couldn't wait any more to TTC though. I know I should have, but I had already waiting nearly a year longer than planned. And needed some positive back into our lives. Plus once again I expected it to take a few goes and just cause we started to get the ball rolling to TTC, didn't mean I would be pregnant straight away.
Oh how I was (amazingly and happily) wrong =). We did a FET with an embryo left over from Spock’s batch and WHAM! Took first go =D I was so excited and couldn't believe it!! I did get uneasy feelings because it did work straight away, with Spock, I felt that getting pregnant was our challenge, once we were pg everything would be ok and perfect and smooth sailing, because we had already had our hurdle (and it was.) so because this one worked straight away I was expecting another hurdle... I talked myself out of it quickly though and like Spock, Quark’s pregnancy was easy.
I’m a boring pregnant woman, textbook and easy. My body thrives on being pregnant. I had morning sickness and nausea, but handled it, and it went by 16ish weeks. Worse for me is my normally low BP, all that meant was I couldn't stand up for too long without walking, or going to sit down otherwise I felt faint. I also had extreme tiredness, but all of that faded by 20weeks. Then all I had was heartburn, extreme heartburn, so I just lived on fruit tingles for the remainder of the pregnancy (had the same with Spock, and neither of my babies have hair so that is and old wives tale and far from true in my case =P )
We live in a town of about 900 people. The nearest hospital that does births is 35km away in another town. It is a Base hospital, and I have a very bad history with it. Long story short (without all the messy traumatic details) I am a midwife, I use to work there, after 6 months it made me not want to be a midwife anymore. So many issues, mostly with a few staff members. With Spock I gave birth over 270km away so there was no chance of me having to go anywhere near this place. With Quark, despite the situation only getting worse with the hospital (despite my not have worked there for 3 years, I am still having issues with it and some people...) To sum it up, I felt more safe, comfortable and supported giving birth on the side of the highway, in the mud, than giving birth at that hospital (I need to emphasis this, as this places a vital part in what comes later). I work about 110km away at the next hospital that does births. This hospital though is only a small one, so only deals with low risk, and anything deemed high risk must go to the hell hospital. Occasionally we have to transfer women to the hell hospital even if they are low risk due to lack of staff and facilities at our hospital.
Spock’s labour was only 5 hours, and she was OP (spine to spine). I also had a massive PPH (bleed) with her, where I lost 1.8L of blood and my blood level when low enough for a transfusion (I didn’t have one though). So this made a lot of people (my family) stress that my having to travel far again for the birth was risky. We live in a big black hole of maternity care... home birth isn’t an option here (only one homebirth midwife who I have a professional relationship with and again not comfortable with her being my primary care provider) my option was free birth (which I did consider as I am a midwife) or to travel. I chatted to a friend of mine, who happened to be a student midwife (doing bachelor) who already knew all my history and trauma with the hell hospital (where she is actually doing her training). She understood exactly why I couldn’t go there and made the decision I did, and with her as my support person (unofficial doula I guess), I felt more comfortable that if Quark did come before we were at our place of birth, I had backup. I would still be free birthing, but if I did have another massive bleed, I knew she knew how to rub my fundus etc before an ambo arrived. I did intended though to make a serious effort to be at the hospital in time though (or at least in that town – as my parents live there, so the option to stay at their place before labour was open too). Also with her by my side I felt maybe I might have been able to step back inside the hell hospital, as I had her with me and she knew the people I had problems with and I felt would be a great body guard/advocate for me if I needed it. I was comfortable with my plan, I don’t think my parents were, but I was =P
So I plodded along being pregnant, nesting like a trooper, getting Spock ready to be a big sister, monthly appointments with my GP/OB who officially my primary care provider (as that is how the system works out here (you labour with the hospital midwives then when birth is imminent they call the GP/OB who did all your Ante natal care, they swoop in catch the baby and take the glory....anyway....I did at least get continuity having my friend and the same dr))
My biggest fear this time was I was too relaxed, too co placement. Labour with Spock was so easy and painless I wasn’t stressed about labour at all, in fact I was really looking forward to it, excited at the thought of doing it again. But the reason Spock’s was so easy, was cause I prepared myself so well. This time I didn’t, because I didn’t think I needed to cause it was easy last time...so I was worried because I wasn’t worried if that makes sense.
Now here is where it all turns to ****...well at least deviates greatly from my plans...
On Friday afternoon I was 39+2 weeks, I had a drs appointment with my gp/ob. (an appointment mind you I made 2 weeks ago and it was the first one available...she was becoming too popular, which afterwards we decided was a problem for her antenatal women and she is going to see they get priority.) We had a massive discussion about my risk of having another PPH. What she wanted to do in prevention I wasn’t comfortable with as it wasn’t evidence based. I really wanted a physiological third stage, but knew that wasn’t an option anymore (she even said if I chose that she wouldn’t be able to be my care provider) so we compromised in the middle. It was a pretty serious deep conversation about how we both felt etc... and took a long time to sort out a comfortable common ground. We then did the physical part of the appointment. She palpated me, she appeared confused, and kept going. She then said she knows for sure that Quark is not head down... where the head is? She wasn’t sure, but was sure there wasn’t anything in my pelvis. She then said she needs a scan to be sure, so called the other gp/ob in the centre to tell us when he was next available for a minute to confirm position.
A few weeks ago I had palpated myself and thought I felt a head under my left ribs. But I shrugged it off. No one had ever mentioned the possibility of breech, so I thought I must have been mistaken. It is hard to palpate yourself, you are upside down, you can’t see what you are doing. And I was getting Quark’s heartbeat right down low on my right hip. I look back and I feel like an idiot for not knowing, for not trusting my instinct. I’m so angry for trusting others ...I’m not a person who does that, if I want something done I just do it myself. Because then I know I will do it properly and right. I have been like this my whole life. I should have trusted myself and followed up. Had I done that I would have had a few more weeks up my sleeve, and a million more options. Alas I didn’t.
We had the scan on a tiny fuzzy old machine. Which confirmed that was in fact Quarks head up under my left rib. We couldn’t tell what the presenting part was, just that Quark was breech. Not something you want to find out and confirm Friday afternoon before your due date...(when you live in rural NSW in a black hole of maternity services and options).
My dr wanted to section me Monday. They were worried I would go into labour. (So was I cause I had been feeling stronger BH and had already had cervical changes from self VE checks). Basically my options were an elective C-section at my hospital. Or if I went into labour or anything changed between now and then I would have to go the hell hospital. They booked me in, and turns out there wasn’t enough staff available for Monday. Only 1 time slot was available. Wednesday, on my due date. That was it. Anything else I would have to go to the hell hospital.
That night I went to my friends house for a debrief and cry (not that I did cry), we chatted about everything, we called a mutual friend who is a midwife on the coast about her thoughts. We then cold called hospitals in the area to see if any of them would consider a breech vaginal. None did, the closest hospital that did them was 6 hours away (where our mutual friend actually worked, so she offered her home for me if I wanted, but it wasn’t practical, it was too far and with Spock as well, and all my family here). Another thought was ECV, the hell hospital did them. Not normally as late as 39 weeks. But they wouldn’t touch me on a weekend. And they would need my gp/ob referral and I would need to get formal ultrasound. It wouldn’t be until wed they could do it. And even then they said it would more likely be too late to be effective. And if I went down that path I would have to give everything to the hell hospital. I would miss my window to give birth at my hospital. After a very had long decision, I decided my best option was to have the elective c section at my hospital. At least then I knew all the staff, they knew me, they knew how hard it would have been for me, and would make sure I got some requests and make it as pleasant as possible. The last thing I wanted was a C-section, but it was the better of all the evils. I then spent the weekend grieving my loss of labour, terrified of going into labour now knowing if I did where I would have to go. I hung myself upside down, did acupuncture points etc hoping against all hope Quark would randomly flip. Spock and I made muffins and put the Christmas tree up, just us two. I really really struggled with knowing what day Quark was going to be born. I couldn’t stand people knowing. So I didn’t tell anyone. DH, My parents, My support person and my best friend knew. Even that felt like too much. On Monday I did message my women (my support circle who were at my blessing way), to say I was having a c section, I was struggling with it and would need help. But didn’t tell them when. As it was alot didn’t fully understand. It wasn’t the C-section I was scared of. It was my grieving my loss of labour and birth, my lack of control, my lack of choice, knowing what Quark would miss out on by my not having labour and just getting pulled into the world with no warning.
Monday we went to stay with my parents, I had an appointment with the anesthetist, who I regularly worked with and get along great with. He had a better ultrasound machine and was able to tell me Quark was frank breech. Tuesday I had to get my bloods done. Then it was Wednesday... I go a few messages from people that morning wishing me good luck. And It made me sick to my stomach, I shouldn’t know today was the day, others shouldn’t know (especially seen as a couple of them I hadn’t told. – like a chick DH worked with who knew he had taken the day off), they meant well, but I hated it.
I made a list of things I wanted during the C-Section, and everyone was really good at following them through. I had a spinal, and was strapped down. The actual surgery was the worst experience of my life. My worst fear is being buried alive, and that is exactly what it felt like. All I wanted to do was wiggle my toes, but I couldn’t, I was stuck and couldn’t move. I hated it. Never again. My blood pressure also kept dropping, about 4 or 5 times throughout. The anesthetist had his special stuff to fix it straight away, but that was a horrible wave that kept coming, feeling sick and faint and not being able to move. I never saw it either (they did pull the screen down but I still couldn’t see anything), the surgeon nicked something and I squirted across the room. Took 5 clamps to stop it. I later learnt I have insanely massive pelvic varicose, basically varicose veins but on my uterus.
I lost 800ml of blood, which is a lot for a C-section, and is mostly from my squirting blood vessels. My blood levels the next day were exactly the same as Spock, also at blood transfusion level. But this time I don’t feel symptomatic at all (I did with Spock). So they have left me be, I just need to keep pumping the iron into me.
I definitely have felt a disassociation to Quark. I didn’t get that over powering love feeling I did with Spock. I still feel it now. I’m slowly getting that connection, but it’s taking it’s time. But she is here. And I have a beautiful second daughter. Who looks identical to her sister, except she is fair (her sister was dark). Next time (if there is) I am going to have a VBAC. I would still choose vaginal birth over C Section.

I’m sure I will add more to this later, but for now...
03/12/14 at 147pm ~ Hera Yvaine Dawn was born via C Section.
~
Weight: 3.75kg
Length: 52cm
Head Circumference: 33cm

I completely understand how hard it is to have that c section as I was in a pretty similar situation not long ago. Welcome to the world Hera, your mumma loves you so much and and well done on making the tough decisions hun, they may well have been harder than labor

TT40 that sounds really really tough. I suspect I'd feel the same if I were in that situation. I didn't have the labour I had wanted with DD1, it wasn't overtly traumatic but I had that disassociation after too, for a good while. Of course now I fall a asleep dreaming about her with a full heart but it's not nice feeling like that initially.

Welcome to our world little Hera, and TT40 congratulations on making the hard decisions thoughtfully and coming out at the other end with beautiful babe in arms.

Yes, finding out your baby Is breech and there is nothing in the world you can do. I Remember it well. And everyone saying do this do that, but nothing works and no one quite gets why you care about a cs.
I'm still mad and sad nearly 5 years later. The procedure was gross and horrid for me - incapacitated, and being watched by 'hundreds' of people who seemed to be fine with the whole thing.

I hope you can work through it all better than me. Use your experience for bettering care for others like you.

Congratulations on your little sweet baby girl xx

Thanks for sharing TT40. I hope writing it down helps you work through your feelings. I understand the disassociation feelings. X

Beautiful story and thank you for sharing

(ps... Might want to change your signature to say 14' for Quark not 12')

I'm sorry your birth didn't feel like your birth. I hope that as time goes on, you feel more at peace with what happened, but I understand and will support you if it doesn't.
Welcome to the world, little Quark

Hi TT, I just finished reading your birth story. I can understand mourning the loss of a beautiful birth, I would feel traumatised too. It is interesting that you said there is always a challenge with each baby/pregnancy/birth. If only we could choose what that challenge is!

Hope you're adjusting, and starting to fall madly in love with the precious gift that you've been entrusted with. Hugs!

PS, have you ever read "Birthing from Within" ? It has some great advice on working through disappointment with birthing outcomes.

Thank you for sharing your story. Tough choices I admire your honesty. Welcome to your beautiful princess. xx

Thank you for sharing TT. I hope you feel the joy of your DD2's arrival soon.

Sorry tt40, only just saw you had his up....

Sorry you didn't get the birth you wanted. I know the feeling of knowing the day you will have your baby, it doesn't feel right does it!

Hope you have processed it now a bit more

And congratulations on a second girl. They are so special

Xx