Our Tandem Feeding Journey

Hi Muuma B

When you go to an ABA meeting there may be a frustrated nanna like me who needs no encouragment to help you with your baby. Every mum at an ABA meeting knows exactly what you are going through, that is why ABA is so great. I was a member for 19 years and now my beautiful tandem feeding daughter is a member and loving it. I get my ABA fix from her. It is amazing how even the shortest amount of time away from home will make you feel rejuvinated.
My DD only let DS feed when he woke from a sleep. So in the beginning he would feed in the morning and the afternoon. It was a great way for her to get him to sleep in the afternoon because he knew he would get BIM when he woke up. Unfortunately at nearly 3 he has cut out his daytime sleep and only has BIM in the morning. Sometimes when the baby is feeding he asks for a drink, but he is easily distracted. It is quite funny because we are sure he does not really understand that boobies are actually connected to mum and not like a cup. He asked the other day if she could get another one in the middle.
Mr nearly 3 is a happy confident and healthy little boy who just loves his sister and the BIM.
Mumma B I wish I could just reach through the computer and give you a hand occasionally. You are doing an amazing job and your babies are wonderful. Try and get to ABA and enjoy your time away from home.
Have a lovely weekend at home and a great week.

how's everything going mummaB?

I'm in WA Rainforest, pretty isolated over here unfortunately!

I'm still struggling with things a bit.... I've cut back my toddler to BF when he wakes up in the morning, when he goes down for a nap and when he goes to bed at night. The cut backs aren't going too well though particularly when he goes down for a nap, because i have to lay with him and feed him to sleep - whats happening is my baby is waking up several times during this process because i'm taking him out of the carrier and putting him in the bassinette - he seems to know and keeps waking up. This means i have to leave my toddler in his bed, sometimes mid feed and settle the baby or carry him around again for a while, during this time my toddler wanders back out of his room and thinks its time to get up, which is so frustrating because once i put the baby back down, i have to repeat the whole process of nap time with my toddler, which means he wants to BF again! I am not sure what to do about this. The other thing is when he wakes up in the night - anywhere from 1-4 times lately, he also wants a BF, and i do it because he goes back to sleep quickly, i know if i were to offer another milk it would be a long and difficult process, because he wants the boob for comfort not really a drink. My dh has also been going to him but he won't have a bar of that, he just cries and waits for me to come, which if i'm feeding the baby can be up to 10 mins, so its difficult. He is also still asking for bf's constantly, to which i'm offering him rice milk or baby juice, we've had quite a lot of tantrums over this and i feel terrible about it. It's hard to know though how things would have panned out as all this co-incided with him turning 2 and going through all those changes anyway.

I really need to go to an ABA meeting this week and have made that my goal. I just need to find someone else who's been through this because i'm not sure how to tackle the feeding with my toddler - most of it is his personality. Change is a long slow process for him, and in the past we've always had the luxury of time to make changes, but here i don't.

I also took my baby to the paediatrican today and that was frustrating.... we got off on the wrong foot and it didn't make for a good relationship. Firstly she encouraged me to take the baby to the local sleep school for an overnight stay because my constant carrying of him is not good for either of us, she actually told me it is making my baby tired because he isn't sleeping properly... which is so untrue, the only time he does sleep deeply is when he's carried! and while it is exhausting for me, i'm getting stronger and i know this won't last for ever. She also told me he needs to "learn" to self settle and put him self to sleep, both not things i believe in and when i told her this she proceeded to ask me how i was feeling and if i was depressed!!! Which i'm not! i'm just tired and i want to get his reflux sorted out rather than being argued with about my parenting choices! The appointment wasn't a whole loss though, they are testing his poop for lactose intolerance and i have a referral to a gastroenterologist for if the reflux does not improve with the losec. Strangely despite the GP upping the dose to half tablet twice a day, she has told me to drop back down to half once a day and told me it just takes longer to work than i was intially told.

*sigh*

I guess i am just frustrated, i really wanted to excel at this, i had such high hopes for it being such a fantastic experience and that it isnt is disappointing. Its been a learning experience though, i'm not sure what i'll take from this but it'll become clear later on i'm sure....

hi mummaB- shame you're in WA, oh well...

what a shame about the paed not supporting your parenting style and hassling you about irrelevant issues- i really don't think your ds should be self settling at that age either.

do you have a swing or something like that, that you could put your NB in while you bf ds? we had a fisher price swing that rocked and played lullabies that we would put ds in when he was a NB. he absolutely loved it and would lie there contentedly for 20 mins or so- often drifting off to sleep. this would give me a chance to actually put him down, or take him out of the hab!! and actually get something done.

you must be so tired you poor thing :hug:

Mumma - I sooooo understand the frustrations of trying to get the toddler to sleep and dealing with the baby too. DS still needs me to sit or lie with him to get to sleep (altho at this very moment I'm getting him to stay in bed on his own *shock* and he's doing really well!) One thing I managed to do was to transition from feeding to actual sleep, to just feeding and then either lying with him or sitting with him. And I would stroke his arm or his back until he fell asleep. Sometimes he'd lie on my lap like a pillow. This enabled me to get the baby and feed her while sitting next to him.

Do you have a rocker, or a swing or something you could bring into his room for the bub to sit in while you put him to sleep? Perhaps don't try to have them sleep at the same time? (as LOVELY as it is to have them sleep at the same time, sometimes it just doesn't work) ETA: snap Rainforest! heh

Does your baby take a dummy? I was never a fan of the dummy, but now I love it LOL. Kayla does self settle wrapped with a dummy (most of the time.. not always) and I seriously don't know how I would have managed if she was as reliant on me as DS. So I really admire your efforts with all this given how much your new baby needs you with his reflux.

Lets hope some of those tests give you some answers. And I hope you can build an ok relationship with your paed. I questioned my paed on our 2nd visit about what he wanted to do for kayla, and from there on we pretty much have an understanding that I know what I'm doing and am happy about it.. so I don't want help with parenting.. just if there's any medical issues! Which we don't have, so like I said in another thread.. not really sure why we're still going LOL.

Stay strong.. you're doing well, and I hope your toddler starts to understand a bit more when he can and can't have boob. *hugs* again.

Could you put a big mattress on the floor of your toddlers room, and have all 3 of you in it for feeding and sleeping during the day??

mummaB

thanks for sharing your journey, i feel for you. You have this clear idea of what you want to do (which i relate to, just in other areas cos i only have one child), and you're troubleshooting as you go, like we all have to, cos you just never know what sort of bub you're going to have (one with reflux, colic etc).

your two are beautiful children

i'm struggling to find health professionals who respect my parenting choices too. I am quite in the middle with my choices, so goodness knows how they would react to someone at the total end of the spectrum. SOmetimes i feel like they hear me say "breastfeeding" and "the age of my bub" and they react like i'm feeding her poison!

My 21 month old is on a food strike too, it's so frustrating. Her week keeps going between low 10kgs and hig 10kgs. Last week, it got to the point where she had awful constipation - just what i need - so anyone i mention it to (cos i'm worried and need to vent) i cop the tired ol "well if you weren't breastfeeding her . . . " - as if Breastmilk were the root of all evil (well health problems in babies in this instance).

i'm also in a city of one million, without family support and almost given up trying to find any official help (that won't advocate all the things that are anti=attachment parenting). so that feels quite isolating. I've met some lovely attachment parenting type people, but we all live so spread out, can't get together IRL to make regular friendships.

it's amazing how medico's make the leap from "this person isn't toeing the line e.g you can think for yourself" to "you must be depressed" - as if the sleep deprivation and their lack of respect (for anything other than mainstream parenting) isn't enough to drive you round the bend.

Having your dh come home that late each night must be really hard. I am climbing the walls by the time my dh comes in at 6.30pm, and i only have one.

I think you are an inspiration

my child isn't quite two, but is really pushing the boundaries right now, i can WELL imagine your older DS pushing your newborn OFF you. My child gets this murderous look in her eye, if another little child comes anywhere near me (innocently just standing there), as if she were about to LOSE her mummy.

i cannot imagine having all the "distractions" ideas happening, ON TOP of the sleep deprivation and keeping two kids being cared for.

I once went to an ABA meeting, laid down to feed in someone's lounge room (the meeting was outside, and i coudln't feed comfortably in any outdoor chairs) and FELL ASLEEP!!! When i woke up, the meeting was over! They all understood and were glad at least i got some rest LOL. So the ABA people truely do understand. I hope there will be someone at your local group, who has or is tandem feeding, so you feel a connection there.

thanks for sharing your journey mummaB, i'm glad you did.

It sounds like everyone is having a hard time adjusting to the new situation mummab.
Please keep in mind that what is best for you is also best for both your boys so while your older one is adjusting to sharing you & learning what the new boundaries are he will get there & it sounds like you really need them for your own peace of mind.
I wish I could wave a magic wand for you to stop time so you could get some sleep.
Sending you lot's of hugs & hoping both the sleep & reflux settles soon... :hug::hug:
Have you thought about cleaner or someone who can help watch your older boy for a few hours while you rest with ds2?

Finally got a pic: https://www.bellybelly.com.au/forums...php?photo=9019 :)

Thank you for all your support....

Its been really difficult since i started restricting my toddler, his reaction to it has been getting worse not better, especially when he's tired and frustrated. I'm finding that not being able to comfort feed him through those emotions is making his behaviour worse. When he's needing attention now he's squealing/throwing things at me or the baby, i try to react with gentle words and distractions but none of that is working. Plus for me it feels awful to constantly refuse him, he cries, he stomps away and its not much a better situation than the constant feeding..... so i'm thinking maybe i should just go back to doing him on demand because this isn't really any easer. I don't know, should i stick with it? how much longer would it take for him to understand and accept just having BF 3 times a day? my instinct and heart is just saying feed him when he wants it... i feel like the constant saying no and trying to re-distract is negative. He also refuses the rice milk i offer and most times throws it at me.... all this co-incides with him turning 2 and going through the challenging time of processing his emotions, so i'm thinking maybe i need to continue feeding him on demand to support him through it... what do you think?? As hard as the constant feeding is on me, i can get through it if need be. The alternative hasn't been easier.

You do what you feel you need to MummaB.

Just thinking.. Is there maybe a compromise so you don't feel like it's a constant denial of breastfeeds? Perhaps you could reward his good behaviour with a feed? LOL - I don't really know.. just something that came to mind while reading your post. That way he might not feel like it's a constant battle to get a feed? If you can catch him being good and offer him a feed when you feel like feeding, it might curb the constant demanding at times he can't have it. Just a thought.

I think the main confusion was coming from the naptime feed, because i was attempting it so many times due to not being able to put the baby down, he was getting confused as the BFs were not limited in a way that made sense. I also noticed a definate change in his personality, being more frustrated and taking it out on the baby and me by throwing things/squealing - i know this is also common 2 year old behaviour but it got worse when i was trying to restrict the feeds. As of yesterday i've gone back to feeding him on demand... things are so much more peaceful here and thats making me feel less stressed. I've also tried to be more positive and enthusiastic with him when he has been nice to the baby and/or shared the boobs - saying excitedly "wow good sharing" etc, and i notice this makes him happy. Its just been so hard on my part to remain positive and excited when going through this reflux gig with my baby and i'm so low on sleep and energy - but i'm really trying.

I have a Lactation consultant coming today and i'm really looking forward to that. I also looked up the local aba meeting and this was the week its not on, its only fortnightly, so i'll be going next week. I really do want to make this work i just need IRL physical support as well.

Good for you. Glad to hear there's a bit of peace in the household. I hope the LC has some words of wisdom for you :)

Good on you hun, I hope the LC has some pearls for you today :) Enjoy your ABA meeting next week, if nothing else, you should be able to have a cuppa while someone else holds your bub LOL! And if they don't offer, hand him over ;) Seriously though, I'm sure you'll find them a great support.

Good Luck... Hope that the LC can offer some advice for you, or at least help out for an hour or so. I just love your ticker photo!

Thanks :) here are the boys again, better photo than the other one https://www.bellybelly.com.au/forums...php?photo=9051

I feel so much better after the LC came to visit today, she was a lovely lady too. Basically we had a long chat about the various issues, reflux, my toddler, the tandem, my feelings, and i feel much better just getting it all off my chest to someone experienced in all these areas. She's shown me some new positions which can help with the reflux and a couple of general techniques to try as well. She's reassured me about demand feeding my toddler and that he's okay not eating food (as he barely is at the moment), she said he will one day 're-join the land of the eating' LOL and to continue demand feeding him feels more natural for me than limiting as i was. She also reminded me about this adjustment being hard for him and that he doesn't understand to wait and not having it developmentally.... she said his increased feeding reflects his need for comfort and attention so i feel that i need to focus more on supporting him through this instead of taking his demanding of it and me personally and becoming frustrated myself. So i just have to get through this period where they both want to feed all the time because as she said, it won't last forever. She also reinforced that it will help getting to an aba meeting and seeing others breastfeeding and even tandem feeding, as i'm just not around anyone thats even breastfeeding which is another reason i feel alienated.

So i have some new found confidence and enthusiasm :dance:

MummaB, I have tears in my eyes reading your post, you sound so good! Your LC sounds like she's worth her weight in gold, I'm so glad she could reassure you in so many ways. You're doing a great job hun, good on you!

You sound much happier, I think mummab as you said we can only give you so much support & you needed some IRL support. I'm glad the LC was so good. I'm glad you have your enthusiasm back & even though it would be demanding feeding them both it does sound more peaceful, happy kids = happy mum. Hope the new positions help with the reflux - is that settling down?

I hope you make it to the ABA meeting as well. As usual sending you lot's of :hug:

BTW love the photos

you sound so much better MummaB, i'm glad.
it's funny how you just get sooo overtired and frustrated and upset and start doing your head in a little bit, and then sometimes just talking to someone who 'understands' makes all the difference doesn't it? i started doing my head in a few weeks ago about ds feeding to sleep too much and people constantly telling me to get him out of my bed. the last few days i pulled out my old trusty Pinky McKay book again and started re-reading it- ahhhh, it feels so good, its like talking to an old friend that 'gets it'. i feel so much better about everything i'm doing- i hope you feel a similar sort of 'renewed feeling'. i'm just so glad at how much more positive you sound today. you soundlike you got some real reassurance and help with all the difficulties you've been having. you're such a great mother to hang in there the way that you have.
you'll have to let us know how your aba meeting goes. haveyou got any close friends around that you could go on a walk with, get out and enjoy the fresh air with your 2 beautiful boys?

What a fantastic visit :) I'm glad you feel better about demand feeding your toddler. Reassurance like that can get all that doubt right out of your head and make you feel so much better, can't it. You've just got to go with their level of comprehension.. my DS was fine being told to wait LOL. He seemed to understand the concept of 'not now, later' so that wasn't a huge issue for us.

Enjoy your peaceful household, and find some good movies to put on while you're doing all this feeding :)