My Caesarean Scar says...

I have had 5 natural, drug free births and then had to have 2 emergency c-sections, one classical which meant that I could never have a vaginal birth again.
When I fell pregnant with my 8th bub I was very disappointed that I would have to have another c-section, it was hard to accept.
But unfortunately my baby passed at 17w2d and they allowed him to vaginally...which I was grateful for.
My views have changed a little and if things could be different I would take that chance at the c-section with hands open if I could have him in my arms.
This is no disrespect to anyone, I know how emotive this topic is, this is just my experiences.
Birth disappointment is a type of grief, you grieve for what the dreams and hopes you had.
Hopefully Charlotte your grief has eased with time.

I can't look at mine, nor can I think directly about it. I can talk about me c-sections, the scar itself is another matter.

I have scars from the births of both my precious children.
My DD was born sleeping at 41 weeks and I carry a scar on my heart for failing her so terribly and not noticing in time that she'd stopped moving.Her's was a VB but was induced.
My DS left a scar on my belly by his arrival proving I am a failure at live VB. His scar is the one other people might see, yet the scar left by my DD death is deeper. I let him down by not being actually able to speak and demand skin to skin immediately. I let him down because I was so terrified of the c/s I literally could not speak. ( I am highly allergic to aneasthetic(sp)) I let him down because he did not enter the world in his own time as I wanted him induced so he wouldn't die like his sister.
My scars prove I do not make good choices about birth. I was offered induction with DD and held off. I rushed into induction with DS and ended up with another (slightly less traumatic) scar.
Typing this brings tears to my eyes.
I try not to look at the scar I can see but I do look at the many stretch marks on my body as beautiful brush strokes left by my children while they were safe inside me.

Well I have more time to reply now, so here goes. And this is just my experience and my feelings towards my scar. In no way am I telling other people how to feel or judging anyone, cos that's not how I roll...

Anyway, I am very grateful that DD is alive and now well after a very full on year between intensive care and other medical specialists as well as therapies, and it's still not over!

When I look at my scar, I feel like a failure. MY body failed her. I had a whole birth plan typed out, even printed and with my hospital records. I wanted a vaginal birth with as little intervention as possible. Instead, I got the whole ctg, bedrest, no induction, wheeled straight into theatre for am emergency c section... I had to fight to have a epi/spinal put in instead of a general. I was by myself. It was a very scary time of my life, and we didn't know if our baby would make it through the trauma of a Caesarian, let alone the night. So I can not look at my scar without feeling guilt, resentment (about my.birth plans not even being considered) and pain, fear, hurt, upset and a whole lot of other emotions.

Bringing a child into this world is supposed to be a happy time. Not guilty, fearful, unknown...

So, yeah. That's why I can't even bare to look at mine. I got feeling back in it about a month ago, and even the feel when rubbing vitamin E cream into it triggers the emotions. :-(

It makes me sad to read that, like me, so many women feel like they/their body failed them. I really try not to feel like this as it adds to my poor self image, when rationally no one but me really cares how I birthed my babes. The scar in itself doesn't make me feel this way. in fact my second scar (on top of the first) makes me wonder if I could have vaginally birthed my DS without trauma as it was extended mid operation due to shoulder dystocia. Gosh, if his shoulders couldn't come out the c/s incision, could I have ever VB him???? Who knows. The cord was also tightly wrapped around his neck twice.... I wonder how that would have impacted labour? Maybe my body didn't fail, but somehow by NOT going into labour protected my baby? These are things I think about when I'm telling myself I didn't fail. I was well informed and desperate not to have a c/s, I tried everything to turn my breech bub and then everything again to naturally induce labour when I was 12 days over trying for a VBAC. I consented to all interventions, my experiences were not traumatic or rushed. I was as prepared as i could be and feel I made the 'right' choice for my babies, but some days I still ache for the lost opportunity to have a VB.

My Caesarean scar says...

...That I had a caesarean.

I don't assign emotions to it, I can't see it most of the time anyway and really have to look for it to see it. But it is just a scar. It doesn't define me, or how I view my birth. Even when I struggled with the whole idea that I had had a caesarean, the scar itself was never a trigger, nor anything that stirred emotion.

I have many scars and they all have stories, and most of them inflicted pain when I did them, but I don't invest emotions into them.

My c-section scar says I had two beautiful kids the only way I can, and that they are earthside and happy.

Then again, my scar is pretty faded.

My scar says different things depending on the day. Most days it just reminds me that DD is here alive and healthy!

We're currently not talking.

My scar says ..... 'Hey fat lardy stomach quit leaning all over me!' ;)

Mine is pretty much invisible - you have to look for it to see it and most of the time I don't notice it or think about it.
So it doesn't say anything much. I didn't fail. The system didn't fail. My gorgeous baby was born safely without serious injury to himself or to me.

Six years ago my scar was bitter sweet, disappointing but essential, I felt glad and blessed I was smart enough to listen to my body and my baby and know that was her safe way out.

Two years ago they cut that scar out and both my girls now share one scar
I love that they share it.
Between my two girls I had major surgery making VBAC impossible medically impossible so my scars remind me there is a purpose for c-sections and my two beautiful girls are proof of that.

I am about to meet my next OB who is supposedly a CS master so expect a very pretty scar in 8 months.

my scar says,

inspite of planning for a home water birth,
inspite of labouring for 29 hours in the pool, inspite of trying so hard to deliver naturally, at home,
Bandl's Ring happened to my uterus during labour,
and it cannot be diagnosed or acted on, without a c-section,
so the decision to do an emergency c-section (in a hospital with bright lights, many complete strangers, with "lost" hospital records, without my midwife who flew interstate on the day),
made it possible for the medical people to realise Bandl's Ring was occurring,
and to do the things they had to do to react immed and save both our lives.

It was very traumatic, painful,
made recovery take many many months,
it was not easy being an invalid, when you need to look after your nb simultaneously
i could not even stand up long enough to bathe my own child, for the first year.
But she is alive, and i am alive.

i still cannot bring myself to look at the scar (six years later).

i had one chance to get it right, and i blew it.
Some people said to me after "what did you expect, you left it too late". like i CHOSE to have my one and only child, at that age.