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Thread: 8/9 year old girl behaviour

  1. #1

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    Question 8/9 year old girl behaviour

    DD2 & all her friends are going through a rough patch. *****iness & nastiness is never ending. One minute they're best friends, the next they don't want to speak, are leaving other kids out of the group & being plain nasty.
    It's only when there are more than 2. DD1 & her friends did the same thing at the same age. I remember it happening back when I was around the same age.

    But none of the other parents involved have had a child this age before. And I personally think they are taking it on more than they need too. Yes we need to teach them to include everyone, yes they shouldn't say or do nasty things, but other than isolate your child, I think you just have to teach them how to deal with it & deal with the things they are doing wrong. We are in a tiny community & the kids can't really avoid each other, because there aren't many the same age.

    I don't know, am I wrong? Should I be letting 8 year old *****iness rule my life & isolate my children? Or should I just use it to teach DD the signs of someone not being fair & to not go along with that person at that time?

    DD is pretty oblivious anyway. She doesn't really get that its happening. She's usually in the middle, coz 2 friends are fighting OVER her. 'Come with me', 'No, come with me' & all she's seeing is them wanting to play with her, not that they are being nasty to each other.

    She's been too involved though... taking on one friends advice (her cousin) to rub the other friends shoes in the mud... And she got in trouble & I told her she'd be buying said friend a new pair of shoes.

    The parents are just too involved for me. I get a text from SIL that cousin DID NOT tell DD to put the shoes in the mud & that she'd seen DD with them & told her to clean them... yet didn't let me know what was going on?

    Now the friends mother (who is one of my closest friends in town) hasn't replied to my text basically telling her she's stressing too much over it & that the best we can do is teach our kids that what ever is going on AT THAT TIME is not acceptable & how they can behave better/deal with the situation. I can't control how another person deals with her child etc...

    This person was an only child, who didn't have many friends growing up & this is her oldest of 2 DD's. So she's more OTT about it than I am. But I'm wondering just how much. To me its not worth losing a good friendship over. But I think she might be leaning that way.

    Am I as seriously wrong about the situation as she thinks I am? Should I be over reacting & banning DD from socialising to avoid the drama they carry on with? Maybe other kids don't do it??


  2. #2

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    I agree with you, sometimes parents do need to step back and let the kids sort their issues out themselves. Kids argue and fight, then two minutes later it's all forgotten and they're the best of friends.

  3. #3

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    Often in these cases the friendships that are destroyed are the parental ones. As Tinks said, they fight & make up in a short time....end of situation.....until the next time. All you can do is deal with your child and if they are nasty apologise for their behaviour. How another parents deals with the situation is out of your control.

    This will happen again in secondary school so how they learn to deal with nastiness now will help later in life. As you get older, many of the lessons learnt when young help shape you later in life

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    Thank you both.

    That's exactly how I feel Riv. Dd needs to learn that she is independent, her own person. If someone is telling you to do something wrong, stand up & say no! Don't allow them to tell you what to do.

    And that if they threaten to not be friends with you because you won't, then you don't want their friendship.

    Dd is non judgemental, but easily led astray... Will be interesting.

  5. #5

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    I had the exact same problem with DD12, started in grade 3 and has continued until now. If this is happening in school I would be letting her teacher know and definately not deal with the parents. The school has helped tremendously and now DD has the tools to deal with these situations when they arise, she has developed so much confidence and I feel she is prepared to deal with similar situations if they arise in High School. All the best.

    Regards,
    Dianne

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    Omg. This friend of mine is driving me up the damn wall. 'So & so told so & so they have nits'...

    You are an adult. Kids get *****y!! Stop over reacting to it & let your kids learn to deal with it!!!! She's making things a big deal that her kids don't actually care all that much about & I can't handle it!

    Was on the phone to kids other grandmother, so didn't reply & got 'ingore me soz!!'

    Where are all the normal people in the world????????

  7. #7

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    This is happening with my just turned 7 year old. All year! She's in grade 1 for Pete's sake! The only reason I know about it is cause she was feeling 'sick' and not wanting to go to school. So I approached the teacher who told me that there is a social issue with her two besties. Again it's only a problem when the three of them are together. They are getting split up into different classes next year. I mentioned this to one of their mums this week, and she didn't know anything about any of it. So it's only been a drama for me and my child for the last year! I think the teacher could have helped all three of them more if she told everyone and not just had us focusing on these issues. Anyhow.. Sorry to vent/ hijack!!

    Girls ey!

  8. #8

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    I guess the only thing you can do is ignore her. I know how annoying it is though, my DD's friend's mother is the same. Except they're teenagers Hope she calms down before then lol.

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    She's the only friend I have in this town at the moment. I have plenty of people to chat to, but the only one I can have coffee with & vent too when needed. But even that isn't working out for me. I vent about the kids & she gives me unwanted advice (understandable once or twice, but its every time & I have made it clear I will not leave my 3yo to scream in her room just coz she wakes over night).

    And if they do something I want to have a whinge about; 'well did you smack him?' 'did you do this or that'. I'm venting. I don't need to be asked how or if I disciplined my child. I just want to vent about what happened.

    *sigh* if I had the money I'd be back in nsw by now. Putting up with people's annoyances is easier with a partner, coz these people aren't all you have...


    2CheekyMonkeys - I'm the mother who doesn't really know its going on. I wouldn't know I don't think if the other mother hadn't told me just how detailed it is. And I never went into detail with my mum about the *****iness when I was a kid either. Not like I'm hearing from this other mother. It is her DD not wanting to go to school. But telling me 'the girls are at it again', or 'DD2 has been a bit nasty to DD' would be enough. Not 'DD2 said this & this & that in this way to my DD'.

    I had her DD here yesterday & the kid from up the road turned up. This is a trouble maker & causes a lot of the problems with the girls, but they were all just playing in the loungeroom. I was on the phone & she came to get her DD. I don't know what she heard, but she walked in 'get out, in the car, now' etc. Her DD looked confused & tried to tell her they were just playing, but she wouldn't hear it. Just coz the other child was there I think. I really don't bloody know.
    Last edited by ~clover~; November 20th, 2013 at 10:24 AM.

  10. #10

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    As the mother of a 10 year old girl who has had a miserable year due to 'social issues' and has cried on the way home most days and refused to go to school most mornings, I'd like to offer a view from the other side of the fence. Reading this thread, I get the picture that there are many small incidents between the girls and that the result is that your friends DD is now at the point of school refusal? If one of my friends was the parent of the child whom my daughter was having issues with - and we had reached the point of repeated school refusal - I would be pretty damn peeved that my friend held the attitude of 'girls will be girls'. Yes, girls will be girls - but they don't need to be *****es and the situation has clearly reached the point where adult intervention is required if one of those girls is refusing to attend school because of those issues.

    It is really important that we teach our children to be resilient and give them the tools to deal with hurt or disappointment. It is equally important that we teach our kids to be kind and considerate people who behave in a manner which is not hurtful. Usually, in situations such as these there is fault on all sides. When the children are unable to resolve the issues themselves, they require direction from the appropriate adults. Clearly, your friend doesn't feel that you have taken the situation seriously and helped to resolve it. If you were my friend, that would make me both hurt and angry.

  11. #11

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    The thing is nickel, my daughter isn't really as involved as this person says she is. There is another girl at the school who is a year older & she seems to be manipulating the 3 girls involved by getting between them & causing a lot of the trouble. Yes my DD is caught in the middle a lot. But DD is very niave & isn't seeing it the same as the other kids are. DD isn't doing the 'play with me, not her' DD is the one getting that thrown at her (BY this persons DD). One friend each side saying 'play with me', 'no play with me'. I've actually seen it for myself & tried to get the girls to either play together, or don't play at all. As I'm pretty sure I've said already, I am using this to teach my DD that it doesn't matter who says what, your friends are your friends & its not ok to leave them out.

    Yes girls will be girls, but I know my DD is pretty clueless with social cues. I've seen her have her turn of being nasty. She does occasionally say nasty things because she's following what the other kids are saying & she has been in trouble & banned from playing etc with them. And I've tried to make it clear that it won't be accepted. If I don't see it though, I don't know its happening, so that's not so easy to deal with.

    But I can only deal with my child. There are also 3 other parents involved here. SIL knows DD well & agree's that she's a follower & doesn't really see the *****iness that is going on. The other mother is one who really doesn't see a problem & hers is the older one... The friend of mine is a very sensitive person who reads way too much into a lot of things. Her own life is quite depressive because she is like this. I try to be supportive, because my personality is similar, but its getting frustrating when she refuses to pick herself up & get on with life. I will never let her know I feel this way, but its starting to drain me. Her DD isn't an angel either. She has a very similar personality to the older girl & is quite manipulative herself.

    If this is such a problem between ALL of them, then there are other parents she needs to address as well. My dealing with DD is not going to fix the whole problem. Everyone else needs to deal with their kids as well. She has spoken to the school & they've said they're keeping an eye on them. To me she seems to be solely blaming my DD, when hers can be pretty good at being on the other side of DD saying 'me not her'.

    I know how it feels to be on the other side also. My DD1 was the one who was left out back around that age. But we got through it & now she's a popular, happy, confident girl who is friends with everyone, because she doesn't treat ANYONE differently, even though other kids at school do.


    If there is more I can do, please, let me know. If she feels I'm not doing enough, its because her advice seems to always be 'did you flog him/her?' I'm not into abusing my children. She has no right to think I'm not disciplining my kids to her 'standards' while she lets her children walk all over her. That's a whole other issue I have though. Maybe she does feel that way, but her DD isn't as innocent as she seems to think she is. While I will not deny mine has been at fault, she's not the only one & she has never, ever been a child to show nastiness to anyone, ever before.

    But hopefully DD is learning that she is her own person, who can make her own decisions & play with whoever she likes, no matter what the other kids think. And keep being the non judgemental, happy, loving child she has always been.
    Last edited by ~clover~; November 20th, 2013 at 12:05 PM.

  12. #12

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    All kids are capable of being unsavoury. And I think the best thing is to focus in ways to make things better for everyone. Not just one individual. I think when you lay blame or avoid blame even it causes problems. I don't think there is anything wrong with getting involved. Depending on how it is.

    I have to say though I hate the idea though that this is normal behaviour. It isn't, or should I say it doesn't have to be. It's another opportunity as a parent to teach your child through example and discussions on how to deal with social situations as well as how to respect others and have a little self respect.

    Not every girl goes through this. But it is a problem. I remember my DD's teacher telling me how there were pockets of girls that were problematic and had to be talked to about their behaviour nearly ever day. This was at the start of this year. My daughter is in grade 6. It starts young and it can go right through to high school. But I don't believe that just letting it slide or letting it sort itself out is the best way either. And I'm not suggesting getting involved with the kids yourself. That's just asking for trouble. But give your child the tools to be a bigger, better person and try not to play the blame game. And be empathetic to all children. It's never cut and and dry. Some just struggle with social interaction than others (and IMO the *****iness is a lack of social maturity too).

  13. #13

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    I just didn't think this would start so early on!! :-(

    I just feel a lot of these things wouldn't get to boiling point if the teacher would give EVERYONE involved a heads up so that EVERY family can tackle it. Maybe a chat with the teacher? maybe a chat with the teacher and other parents. I have no answers but I am sympathetic.

  14. #14

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    Default Re: 8/9 year old girl behaviour

    This is all still going on. But on mine & SIL's end it seems better

    I've learnt so much more about the other mother involved lately :/ she seems to like playing the victim. If the kids are having trouble & her dd comes to her with it, she listens & makes a big deal out of it... if she sees my dd come to me she'll shut her down, tell her they're all doing it & send her away. When we have the proof that her dd started it all, her answer is 'but so & so isn't innocent either'.

    I've seen this child cause trouble & lie to her mother's face, then the mother overdramatises it all & blows it up further. She refuses to accept that sometimes her dd does this all on her own. There's always an excuse. There's always a reason for her child to act the way she did. And she will stand up for her child, yet God help anyone else who stands up for their own.

    This child called ds names on a camping trip, flicked sand in his eyes then when he kicked her she pushed him over & went running to mum. Next thing I heard was the mother 'I'll punch him in the head'.
    When I said something I got 'I'm not gonna stop that girl standing up for herself'... I'm sorry, but 1, that's NO excuse for you to threaten violence towards my child & 2, when does my boy get to stand up for himself? Kicking is not acceptable, but neither is the rest of what happened.

    *sigh* just venting. Another episode tonight. The mother wants to spend all our spare time together again. I don't. There's enough going on without her feeling comfortable telling me details about her partners abuse :/ I can't do it anymore. I have my own **** to get over without taking hers on.

  15. #15

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    Default Re: 8/9 year old girl behaviour

    My parents had a rule when I and my siblings were growing up - let the kids sort out their own problems. I've adopted this - unless of course it is an issue that warrants serious intervention. I'll dole out advice if asked and leave it at that.

    I am of the opinion that by time you interfere in your child's dramas they are over them. Let them do their own thing.

    I remember when DS1 was younger and there were a few parents who were very hands-on. They got involved in every aspect of their child's life. One mother rang me to set up a playdate because she said that my son wasn't playing with her son anymore and she thought that we should bring them together away from the school environment. She was quite put out when I told her that my child could make his own choices about who he played with and when he played with them. If he wanted to invite X over that was ok. If X invited him over and he didn't want to go then I certainly wasn't going to make him go. I couldn't think of anything worse than having to endure a visit from someone who I didn't want to socialise with.

    I really do like Rouge's advice in giving your child the tools to work through this.

    Let your daughter know if you think that her behaviour is unacceptable. Teach her by showing her, not just 'telling', what is appropriate. If she comes to you ands asks for your opinion or advice, give it to her. Sometimes children just want to vent too. They might have had a fight with their friend and are just telling you about it to get it out. Just because they've complained about them doesn't mean that they don't want to be friends with them.

    Lordy, the number of times I've whinged about my husband not doing or doing something I don't like....certainly doesn't mean that I'd want to live with out the gorgeous man!!

    Anyway, I've probably gone off the beaten track a bit......

    I truly hope that you and your daughter get through this soon.

  16. #16

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    Default Re: 8/9 year old girl behaviour

    I'm doing my best. There are only 4 or 5 girls in this age group, so they don't really have others they can just go off & play with. If one is left out it is very noticeable.

    But I am the same. DD doesn't want a lot to do with this kid anymore, because she's always causing trouble.

    DD & the other child are 1st cousins. To us that relationship is important & these 2 have only ever had issues when the 3rd one tries to separate the other two. And we have witnessed it to know that even though our girls do have their moments, this one just causes so many of the drama's herself, then dobs & it all goes too far.

    I have told the mother I refuse to get involved in 8 year old drama. But she won't let it go. Her dd told my dd she wanted her dead & that she'd laugh when it happened. That time I did tell her to speak to her. She went too far IMO.
    My reply was '*** isn't innocent either you know'.

    The meeting at the school was about getting the girls to deal with it, work it out & if it keeps going then approach a teacher. Now I've been told the other child feels like she has no one to talk too.

    I want dd to have the choice & choose her friends. The other mother seems to think that it isn't acceptable.

    The mother herself is an extremely depressive person. I have been continuous support for her over the past 2 years, but I can't do it any more. She's bringing me down & draining me.

    It sounds horrible, but I lived 12 years in the same, or worse, relationship. My own mental health has suffered severely. I am trying to move on & get myself back to normal, but I can't do it while trying to be constant for her. When I'm feeling good, I don't want to be brought down by someone else's life constantly

    *sigh* again...

  17. #17

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    Default Re: 8/9 year old girl behaviour

    Way way way too many parents over interact in their kids relationships. It's terribly frustrating. Oh course you teach your children to be nice and include other. Beyond that STAY OUT OF IT is my opinion. So so so many times its the parents that make things continue well past when the gigs would be over a tiff.

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