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Thread: I need some advice, prayer and support

  1. #1

    Default I need some advice, prayer and support

    I know I need to post this, just not entirely sure where or how to start. Point form may be best, I can always expand on things later.



    This all came to light yesterday when I started examining my reasons for feeling insulted that the school was making the whole staff sit through a Christianity Explained course. I don't need a refresher course on the basics, I need someone to tackle a really tricky subject with me, but I've got no idea who to approach for help or how to approach them.

    As a teacher in a Christian school, part of my job is to do devotions with the small group of kids that are my homeroom. I have been struggling with this for a long time.

    The reason I'm struggling is that for a fairly long time I've been in a dark place spiritually. Not necessarily always being distant from God, but a whole lot of being angry and upset with God, and it's really hard to try to reach out to people to bring them closer to a God you're angry, upset and frustrated with.

    The cause of said anger and frustration? My battle with infertility. So it's really not possible to be open with the kids about where I'm at and to push on through that way. I can't pray with my kids in homeroom because I can't pray about the things I need to. You'd think I could just leave that part our of my public prayers, but it's such a huge thing that I really can't get past it and leave it out. It's become a pain in my heart that I can never get out of the front of my mind. To draw close to God, to speak to God and not mention it feels like a lie.

    My faith is such a strong and important part of my life that I just can't fake it when I have to. I know many people do, but I just can't lie to myself and lie to God. But is it worse to just stop and do nothing, rather than faking it to fulfill the requirements of my job?

    When it comes to the battle with infertility, that old question has popped up again. Is it really God's will for us to have children? Is the reason we've had three miscarriages and our last FET cycle didn't work at all because God doesn't want us to have children?

    I have such a longing and emptiness in my life... I want to share my love with my husband with my children. I want to bring up children to love and know God the way my parents didn't do with me.

    Simple solution - pray and ask God to remove the longing from my heart if it's not His will. Yet I'm scared of doing that just in case it will happen. I'm stubborn, and I don't quit easily, so walking away from IVF isn't going to be easy. Even if the longing for a child goes away, it's quite likely to be one of those things that I can't stop fighting because it's a battle, it's something to prove that I CAN do it! I simply can't imagine life without wanting a child - it's been something that I've longed for from the moment I married my husband nearly ten years ago.

    So... who to talk to about this... Going to church, working in a Christian school, I do have many people I could approach.

    The pastor of our church - no. He knows, his wife knows, but they very much don't seem like they want to get involved, and really don't understand what it's like for us. They are at the playing with their grandchildren stage of life.

    The associate pastor of our church - hell, no! Again, he knows. He's been quite nosey with DH and DH has basicly told him off and never to speak to us about it again. They have young kids and have fallen pregnant first time both times so have absolutely no understanding or empathy of what we are going through.

    School chaplain - NO!!! Again, he knows. When I told him we were starting IVF (I'd been listed to do devotions for the staff during the week I expected to be going for my first EPU) I was told "you should have spoken to me earlier. Everyone I pray for who wants to get pregnant ends up pregnant, if you'd spoken to me earlier you wouldn't be doing IVF". Again, not a single clue!

    The minister of the church attached to our school - nope. No relationship there at all, feels like a complete stranger. Same goes for the other man who is vaguely attached to the church in some way and does some of the christian living classes in our school along with the other minister, the chaplain and the absolute cow of a woman who is also my direct superior in terms of the pastoral care ministry in our school. I've told her, but she's incredibly nosey and insensitive so I've had to firmly close that door and I'm not in any hurry to ever open it again.

    Finally, there's the minister the school has brought in from yet another church to run the Christianity Explained course. He's married to a woman who used to teach at my school. They had several miscarriages before finally having success with IVF and they now have a young son. Obviously, he seems the ideal person to approach about this, but how do you walk up to a complete stranger and say "I know you've been through IVF, and I'm really struggling with stuff related to my IVF journey". I'd freak if someone did it to me!

    So... has anyone made it to the end of this rambling post? Does anyone have any ideas that can help me find my way out of this awkward place I've found myself in?

    I'm under no illusions that this is going to be a quick and easy fix...

    BW

  2. #2

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    First

    Its hard when you are walking in a dark place. I know when I've been there I've felt frustrated with those around me especially those who are "supposed" to support me through it. I've suffered with depression and often had issues with my church family through the bad times. I've been told to "just get over it" or if I prayed more I wouldn't have it.... honestly when I'm in a good place I can sort of understand where they are coming from, but that doesn't mean what they say is right.

    Anyway, this isn't about me. I haven't had to walk a minute in your shoes. My best friend has, but I haven't. I have been with her after having bad news about infertility, I have tried to walk with her through issues, I have seen her be angry with God and I don't blame her. I've been angry with God for her.

    I don't have the answers. I know how hard it is to encourage others when you are the one who needs encouragement. Its hard to feel like you are faking it. But God knows where you are and your heart. He knows where you are and that you aren't walking away, but you are in a valley. Its no help while you are there, I know.


  3. #3

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    Oh sweetheart! I often expect to feel angry with God one day... it seems like everyone I know who has any kind of relationship with him has been there. I wish I could say that I understand... I know that one day I will, it's normal, even Jesus was angry with his father! We are meant to feel pain of this kind because it gives us empathy.... but saying that doesn't help.

    I'm kinda preparing myself to feel this anger and one thing that I have read has given me something to think about. C.S Lewis' book The Problem of Pain addresses this issue very well. Basically it says that a person cannot fully surrender themselves to God if they are content. God whispers to us when we are happy but shouts when we are in pain. The book attempts to explain the paradox of why Good People seem to suffer while Bad people seem to get off scott free. Perhaps God sees the value in "perfecting" the people closer to Goodness than the bad. To be perfected we must be able to relinquish everything. This is why I am scared. God is demanding and his demands are not going to be gentle. He loves us and love often has to be tough. God is not kind. We are "kind" to strangers but we are more demanding of our love regarding our partners and children.

    I'm not sure if this is much help. I've got The Problem of Pain beside me... but there is too much to summerize. it's frustrating because there is much in there that helps me reconcile my pains as a child... I can now make "sense" of them.

    With regard to leading devotions at school; consider whether your students need you? Perhaps there are students that are concealing their own pains... do they need the opportunity to pray? I don't think you are being 'false' by witholding the nature of your pain from them... just as it wouldn't be false if a child witheld a particularly disturbing event in their lives from the class during this time (are the children asked to contribute a topic for prayer?).

    Maybe seek support outside your community. Is there a hospital chaplain that you could speak to? Someone more familiar with this particular type of suffering?

    I have to deal with something right now... but I'll follow this thread closely darl remember it's normal to feel this way but don't despair.

  4. #4

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    Oh BW...it's such a tough one, isn't it?

    I do understand some of what you are going through...as much as you can, I guess.

    I have felt very much the same. I was so angry at God. I mean, He could have solved our infertility problems within an eye blink...and yet He didn't!

    People around us, church friends were on their 4th kids...and we were still struggling with 0! They just seemed to look at each other and whammo...another conception! We slowly found ourselves no longer 'belonging'. All the couples our age were now families.

    And...God still did nothing!

    We prayed, we had people pray for us, we were on our knees, crying...and yet...still nothing! Doesn't it say, ask and you will receive...WELL???

    My only consolation was telling myself "God has a little person for us...it's just not their time to enter the world yet".

    But..I doubted it...I mean, surely it would have happened by now.

    In the end, we just withdrew. Withdrew from church, withdrew from actively seeking God. Not the best solution, but I was just so angry at Him and His 'silence'.

    But eventually...it did happen. God was faithful.

    I wish now, I had been more faithful to Him. But that's so easy with hindsight. When you are going through such a tough time, and see no end to it, it's just so bloody hard!

    I do believe that God supports us through this battle...He does hold our hand (even though it's hard to feel sometimes). He has tailor made a portion of grace for us to get through this...I don't believe He turns away from the desires of our hearts...

    I do believe that God has put someone out there to talk and support you through this. I do believe that the Holy Spirit is the ultimate counsellor and will give you what you need to get through this.

    I will be praying for you BW...I promise.

  5. #5

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    Hi BW,

    I know where you are - I've been there myself in terms of being angry with God.

    In terms of asking for help - this post sounds very similar to the one Bathsheba wrote about asking for physical help in her home/with pick up from preschool. The answer was right in front of her - the lady at the preschool kitchen - but she had to have the bravery to ask.

    This is what it sounds like for the last person on your list. He has been there. He and his wife know how hard it is. You just need the bravery to ask. And even if it doesn't turn out the way that it might, at least you know. Good luck.

  6. #6

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    I can't identify fully with your struggle, BW, but I have tasted the disappointments of LTTTC. It took us 16 months to conceive our first, and I did a lot of crying and inward screaming. Why not us? Why other people, who beat, abuse, starve, neglect, abandon, their children? Why those who will abort their babies? Why not me? How could there be a good plan in this? How could this be right? And yet I KNEW that God was good, and he did what was right and best for us. And I had to learn to accept that this may or may not include giving birth to my own children. Good friends of ours - wonderfully strong Christians - longed for babies for many years, but they were not given to them by birth. (They have since adopted three lovely little ones, two as babies. (one at 1 day old.) Of course, that's not the same. I know. But their longing for a family was met by little ones who were also longing for a family.) I'm not saying that this is where you should be going BW - just saying that sometimes, as you know, God works in a way that we didn't expect, or prefer, or plan.
    I was angry, in a way, with God. I felt I couldn't trust him. My cycle was irregular and I wasn't temping or charting, and so any time I went "long" I would get all excited and test, and be disappointed. I felt like God was "teasing" me.
    And yet, the Bible teaches us that the times of struggle and disappointment are the times when we should be leaning most heavily on our Father. He is trustworthy. He does truly love us more than we can ever understand. He is willing and able to give us everything that is good for us. That is what we have to trust. It is in his way and in his time that we receive what we need. He is a Father. And like a father who loves his children, he will not always give what we want. We, being children, don't always know why. It looks good to us. Others can have it. Why can't we? Surely we should have the same as everyone else. But that is not the way fathers deal with their children, and that is not the way that God deals with us.
    I'll tell you some verses of a song that were very helpful to me during that time - you might know them already. Pardon the old fashioned language - it's an old song!

    How firm a foundation
    Ye saints of the Lord
    Is laid for your faith
    In His excellent Word!
    What more can he say,
    Than to you he has said
    To you, who, for refuge,
    To Jesus have fled.

    When through the deep waters
    I cause thee to go
    The rivers of sorrow
    Will not overflow
    For I will be with thee
    Thy trials to bless
    And sanctify to thee
    Thy deepest distress

    When through fiery trials
    Thy pathway shall lie
    My grace all sufficient
    Shall be thy supply
    The flames shall not hurt thee
    I only design
    Thy dross to consume
    And thy gold to refine

    The soul that on Jesus
    Hath leaned for repose
    I will not, I will not
    desert to its foes.
    That soul,
    though all hell should endeavor to shake
    I'll never, no never, no never
    Forsake.

    I found that song very comforting, and I would sing it to myself after some of those BFN's, and when I was so sad and full of longing for a little one. I hope and pray it will help you a little too. It is full of the wonderful, trustworthy, true promises that God makes to us.

    Read the story of Joseph again, and remember Paul's thorn in the flesh. Sometimes He refines by fire.
    I will be thinking and praying for you.

  7. #7

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    :hugs:

    I personally think that it is prefectly fine to be angry with God. Be really angry at him, yell and scream (or just go really quiet and swear at him under your breath)

    I am pretty sure he is used to it and in part I think that that is why he is there.

    I have always thought that there are two kinds of believers. There is the man on the roof in the flood who was sent the warning then the boat and then the helicopter and didn't use it and then there was the man who got in the boat and didn't get to meet God at that time to ask about the flood.

    I don't believe that any amount of prayer is going to get you pregnant no matter how many people are in your corner on their knees but I know that there are people who do believe that prayer on its own will bring you what you want.

    I am very much more of a jump in the boat kind of person. Maybe this minister from another school was sent to teach the class for a reason. I wouldn't even mention that you know he has had issues. I woudl jsut introduce myself, maybe mention that you know his wife, and ask if he is able to chat to you some time as you are have some issues with your faith and would appreciate a new perspective on it.

    :hugs: again for you BW. You really are a special woman.

  8. #8

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    I have been angry with God and it took some time to reconcile that He deemed it time for us to finally be pregnant and then took that baby away before there was the chance to know them. My "God's squad" of some very special family nuns prayed for us to fall pregnant and again when we lost Caitlyn. My DH had an extreme faltering of faith as he felt the novena was broken by one of the group dying and they took our baby with them. I am not sure if his faith is yet back to where it was before.

    I was given a reference to Mary and Jesus at Caitlyn's funeral and although it didn't feel like it helped at the time, it did help later when I realised my mother pain was experienced by the woman God deemed fit to bear and raise His son. There must be reason - even if I don't always understand. Those same special women again prayed for us and continue to do so. We now have our very special blessing of our son.

    There is a reason why this other minister has been sent into your circle. A minister with an understanding of your journey and, potentially, the same anger and questioning of God and his message for you. Approach him with a request for spiritual guidance. Or ask if he has a suggestion for a suitable guide to help you through this journey. He may have found an understanding supporter during his own journey and questioning of God's path for him.

    you get the answer and support you need.

  9. #9

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    Quote Originally Posted by butterfly_warrior View Post
    Simple solution - pray and ask God to remove the longing from my heart if it's not His will. Yet I'm scared of doing that just in case it will happen.
    I don't have much, I haven't been in your position, can't pretend to understand. The only thought I have, is that sometimes, in hindsight, things haven't happened because God's been waiting for my complete, entire submission and trust.
    As I said, I don't understand what you're going through, so you can take or leave that thought.

    Remember some of David's psalms, God can handle your feelings and can be trusted with them. Better to be honest, even if that honesty isn't pretty, than to shut out the God that you need.

    I'll pray too.

  10. #10

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    Finally, there's the minister the school has brought in from yet another church to run the Christianity Explained course. He's married to a woman who used to teach at my school. They had several miscarriages before finally having success with IVF and they now have a young son. Obviously, he seems the ideal person to approach about this, but how do you walk up to a complete stranger and say "I know you've been through IVF, and I'm really struggling with stuff related to my IVF journey". I'd freak if someone did it to me!
    Not quite the same, but I'll tell this story anyway:

    December 2006 I had a miscarriage over Christmas.
    We had been going to a local church for a very long time, and I had quite a few friends there, but one or two of the mums I spent a fair bit of time with were a little stand-offish where my son and age were concerned (I was a mum at 17). That is, until one morning in the parents retreat I just vented and told of my miscarriage. They leapt into support mode, and actually delved into their own stories - one had struggled to concieve, had her first son (high risk pregnancy) then had her uterus rupture in labour with her second, and he died. (would be the same age as Riley), the other woman had found it extremely hard not only to concieve, but to have successful pregnancies, so knew the feelings of miscarriage well. She has one very young daughter.

    So although it was hard to take that first step, and I thought they'd be a bit freaked out about it, it was probably the best thing I ever did! One of the women has moved now so I don't know how she's going now, but the other woman is a very close friend of mine.

    Maybe instead of talking to the hubby, arrange to talk to his wife, women tend to be a little more compassionate about these things.
    All else fails, try the mums, you never know how hard they've had it. Just because the pastors/ministers/chaplains are the 'leaders' doesn't mean they are the only ones you can turn to.

    Sorry if that didn't help.

    Good Luck!

  11. #11

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    Firstly, thank you all for your words. I read through your posts at work yesterday as they appeared, and while some threatened to bring me to tears in front of a class I was teaching, they did help me get through the day.

    Yesterday was a rough day. It started with the person leading staff devotions in the morning talking about "it's our job to go out, get married and make babies". I nearly felt like getting up and walking out, but didn't want to create a scene. I'm trying to do my job, dammit! I can't do my job because God has created us infertile and we've got to get through those barriers first! I am wondering if I can read that comment as it is God's intention for all of us to have children, so hang in there, it will happen at some stage. That just seems a little presumptuous.

    I guess I know the logical thing to do is to speak to the CE leader. It is difficult, as I know I'd probably be rather hurt if a stranger walked up to me and started asking about my IVF journey. The other difficulty is that any conversation that starts with him will be started in front of the entire school staff. Contrary to my perception last year, the gossip mill hasn't lead to every single person in the school knowing anyway. I've vaguely thought of approaching it by asking him, during question time, about what he would say to a friend of mine stuck in such a situation, explaining that it's not the basics of Christianity that are the stumbling block to faith, but the more complex issues and I feel unable to help because I too struggle with some of these complex issues. The pain, the longing, the struggling to know God's will... it at least allows me later to approach him quietly and admit that the friend is actually myself and that it's often easier to talk to a complete stranger about such things as you then don't have to live with the pity in their eyes as you see them every day. On top of it all, I'm also painfully shy. Kinda ironic that I'm a teacher, really.

    I don't really have the words to respond in full to everyone. There's still much in everyone's words that I'm still processing. But please know that your words and support and your simple presence is helping me through these issues. Perhaps it's the simple fact of bringing the dark stuff out of my heart and putting it in the open to be looked over, discussed, poked, prodded in the cold light of day... and the corresponding discovery that it's not as dark or as large as it felt when it was just mine. It may take a while to be able to respond in full, but it does help to know that there are people who have been where I am. And that even the people who haven't been there are willing to offer support and a shoulder if necessary.

    BW

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    Hi BW, I read your post yesterday, but I have been thinking & praying a lot about it before replying. You have received some wonderful supportive and wise replies from the lovely ladies here

    First of all I have to say that I have not walked in your shoes so I can only imagine the struggles you face and the strength it has taken for you and your DH to persevere. I really admire your honesty and inner strength.

    Like most people, I have been through some large struggles in my own life (including a frightening miscarriage in Jan of last year and learning to overcome my fear of childbirth after a traumatic first experience) so I will just speak out of what I have learned from God during those times.

    Simple solution - pray and ask God to remove the longing from my heart if it's not His will.
    For you, it is definitely not that simple and you don't really know if that's what God is asking you to do. I think it is really important to find out what He wants of you.

    During my hard times (I'm having a lot lately!) I have learned to stop and just listen to God. Sometimes I find myself telling Him how things should be done and ask Him why He isn't doing things that way! Poor God doesn't get a chance to get a word in LOL! When I stop and listen I hear him say "Trust in Me". Such a well worn phrase, but one that needs to be said. Now, this is not all He is saying, but it is the place He wants us to start.

    I find He answers my prayers in ways I don't expect, but I need to lay down my own ideals first as I tend to put God in a box.

    I would suggest to you, spend time daily with God and reading the Bible (I'm sure you already are). Aim what you are reading towards your situation and you will be amazed at how much God is talking to you through His Word. View your current situation as a journey with God that He will use to strengthen you and to teach you amazing lessons. He purifies us with fire.

    I really hope that what I have said kind of makes sense and doesn't sound like I am minimalising what you are going through. As I said, I cannot even fathom what you are going through and I can only share with you from my own personal experience. I'm not very good at putting my thoughts together very eloquently, so sorry if my post seems all over the place!

    I am thinking of you and praying for you

  13. #13

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    BW first of all I can feel the pain in your post... how difficult this situation is for you right now.

    I wasn't going to post this, but it keeps coming back to me so I will post it. Please disregard it if you think it's way off-track.... I received an email from a mailing list I belong to just ten minutes before I read your thread and it's p rickling my mind...so here's a portion of it (the author was talking about God's promises to Abraham)

    * God is on the other side of your wait. God is as faithful with his promises as the sun is faithful to rise every morning. Although we often wonder, during the wait, if God is going make good on his promise, the question we should be asking is why we doubt God will do what he said he would do. This question is not meant to trigger condemnation, rather to encourage growth. God wants you to grow in your faith, and he'll help you grow in part, by asking you to wait for the appointed time.


    * Nothing to do but wait ? Let me be candid and tell you that over the past few months, I've been waiting on God to fulfill a promise. It wouldn't be an exaggeration to say I am desperately waiting over a desperate need. Perhaps you can empathize, and perhaps you understand when I say that, at times, I've been angry, frustrated, depressed. I've demanded God provide for the need on my own timetable. Several times I've even tried to push the door open in my own strength. Then, a few weeks ago, I realized that there was absolutely nothing I could do to make this thing happen. I was totally and wholly dependent upon God to fulfill his promise. Not dependent because I obediently submitted everything to God, but totally dependent because I'd exhausted every other possibility. (Ha! Perhaps you can relate!)


    * Then, I had what I call a "Meshach moment", A moment where I had to say, like Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, If the God we serve exists, then he can rescue us from the furnace of blazing fire, and he can rescue us from the power of you, the king. But even if he does not rescue us, we want you as king to know that we will not serve your gods or worship the gold statue you set up. (Daniel 3:17-18, HCSB; emphasis mine) Could God be steering you toward a "Meshach moment," bringing you to a place where you are wholly dependent upon God and faithful even if the answer does not come?

  14. #14

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    Christine, it doesn't seem off track at all, so thank you.

    I'm still struggling with all of this - I have good days and bad days. Today's been a bad day, but it often seems to depend on just how much my life wants to rub up against the sore bits in my soul. I am getting closer and closer to finding the words I need to express everything, which is certainly helping.

    Christine, you've reminded me of a moment I experienced over 8 years ago in church, and had all but forgotten until now. I'd just finished my Dip. Ed. and was looking for a school to teach in. At the time we lived in Newcastle, were very settled and happy in our church involved in different ministries that suited each of us. DH had found a TAFE course that he was happy with and had completed phase 1, and was about to embark on phase 2.

    The only thing that was missing was a teaching job for me. Teaching jobs in Newcastle are very hard to come by, or they were then, anyway. I'd registered in a few places and kept getting phone calls from odd places begging me to apply for a job and consider moving - Gympie, Deniliquin, and North Richmond were the main ones, and I kept telling them no, we weren't interested in moving, we wanted to stay where we were. The North Richmond one was at least close enough for me to agree to receive their application forms and other information, but I still wasn't really interested. I guess it was around mid-January.

    Just after the phone calls from schools in odd places began, I was sitting in church, only vaguely paying attention to the sermon as I tend to do at times. But something caught my attention. The person who was preaching (I can't even remember who it was, my memory keeps superimposing a pastor from our current church over the person who was speaking then) was talking about the way we tend to limit God in saying "yes God, but..." - about how we are willing to follow God and do His will, but on our terms.

    And then there was that horrible, heart-pounding moment. The preacher invites anyone struggling with this sort of thing to come to the front for prayer. I realised that I'd been telling God that yes, I would go teach, I'd followed His guiding me into a new career path and I was ready, willing and able to go out into a school and take on the world for Him... but only if I could do it on my terms and stay in Newcastle where everything was safe, familiar and comfortable. I've never really been one for altar calls, and I'll often do everything I can to avoid taking that long walk down the aisle of the church, feeling like you have the eyes of the entire congregation boring into your back wondering what her problem is. In particular, I'll NEVER, EVER be the one to take that walk first. But that night, the prodding, the insistence that I needed to go and get prayer was strong. I simply could not ignore it, no matter how hard I tried. I'm sitting at the back at the sound desk with DH as usual, so I'm madly looking around for someone, anyone to take that walk first... I'm praying for someone to walk down first so I don't have to lead the way, but all that happens is that the insistence that I go got stronger and stronger...

    God got His way in the end. I took that walk down to the front of the church. I wasn't just the first person to go, I was the ONLY person to go. But I sat, talked and prayed with some beautiful friends that I really looked up to at the time (and I'm crying now, because I've lost those connections and I don't have anyone like that in the current church). We talked about how I was limiting God by saying yes I'll go teach, but only if I can stay here. We talked, we cried, we prayed... The application forms arrive, I send them back (filled in, to my surprise!), they call me down to Sydney for an interview, and I come home from that feeling like I've got no hope and I'd really messed up the interview. Friday came and went, Saturday came and DH and I went into a blind panic and we ended up spending the day with our pastor and his wife and a couple of other friends talking through everything, struggling with the decision of stay or go.

    It's hard to describe that place we were in. We had a choice before us, and there was no guidance from God about which way we should go. Just the knowledge that there were two very different lifestyles to choose from. In the end, we decided that we'd go if they offered me the job. We could always come back if it didn't work out. We pretty much assumed that I wasn't going to get the job. It was Saturday, school resumed for the staff on Monday, with the students following a week later. Saturday night came and we went to bed, figuring that the door had closed.

    I'm really surprised by the little details I can remember now. Sunday, after church in the morning we were going to visit one of my aunts. She'd broken her ankle, and my uncle was studying massage and was trying to help fix a shoulder problem I'd been having for a few years. We'd diverted the home phone to the mobile, it rang and I went into a panic and hit the wrong button. It was a call diverted from the home number, but they rang the mobile directly after that, offered me the job, I accepted. They asked me to be there on Monday morning. I told them I'd be there Tuesday because I had to wash and pack.

    It wasn't more than two weeks, perhaps it was only one week, but it was a very, very short time between that scary, heart-pounding, solo walk to the front of the church for prayer and then standing at the front of the church being farewelled with very short notice. We were there in the morning knowing nothing, there at night telling people we were about to move 200km away in 2 days time so I could start a new job a day later than they wanted me there. I stopped saying to God "yes, but..." and just said "yes". I took away my limits, my restrictions and surrendered fully to where He wanted me... and the job we'd been praying for landed in my lap extremely quickly after that. The first few years were hard, and we were always expecting to just pick up and race back to Newcastle at any minute, but eight years on and we're still here, and strangely enough it feels more like home now than Newcastle ever did.

    Christine, your words and my very long-winded (and probably fairly pointless) story are reminding me of the need to fully surrender to God and let Him take control. Not an easy task for a control-freak like me. I'm also reminded of the words of my FS during one appointment when I was expressing my impatience and frustration with how long things were taking. "I don't doubt that you'll get a baby out of this. It will happen, just not in the time frame you're hoping for".

    I'm left with the odd feeling now that when I manage to surrender this to God, things will work. When I can manage to stop trying to control things and force my fertility to work to my timetable... I won't necessarily get the baby I want, but I will at least find the peace I so desperately need. More tears now, because a childless future stretching out before me is something that has such a sense of wrongness to it. More tears, because giving up control is so HARD. But there's also that certain sense of irony... who am I to think that I can control that miracle that will create life? Who am I to think that I know better than God when the right time for us to have children is?

    I'm getting really good at coming up with long, rambling posts that probably don't mean much to anyone else (but will probably completely give away my identity to anyone that happens to know me if they read this), but they are helping me process my thoughts and get things straight in my head. This is, very slowly, helping me find my way out of the desolate place and back to a place where I can be in a right relationship with God once more.

    BW

  15. #15

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    BW you may have lost contact with some of your strong support group over the years, but know that some of the women here are standing in the gap right alongside you

  16. #16

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    BW I feel very honoured to be able to witness your journey - and I think witness is a great word, you might not feel in a strong place, but you sharing your experiences is a witness to me in so many ways. Thankyou for allowing your struggles to be a blessing to me.

  17. #17

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    Hi BW -

    I don't have a lot to offer my brain is mush at the moment but one thing that struck me in you post - You've got the perfect person to talk to, the minister who has been there and shares your faith and you know what he is just waiting for you to talk to him! You really can just walk up and say HI we are doing IVF and I'm struggling with it! That is why God has put that minister their to help you walk your journey.

    It's just my take on life but I believe that God never send you something you aren't strong enough to cope with, having said that I also believe that every moment that brings us pain brings him pain too and he is constantly offering us that open hand if we can just find it - it's like that old joke about the boat and the flood and the man who believed God would save him but he kept rejecting the offers of help.

    Talk to the minister and see where God is guiding you?

    Thoughts and prayers to you

    Sarah

  18. #18

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    BW. It's a struggle isn't it. It seems to me that you are heading in the right direction. Remember that the church is a body - if one member hurts, the whole body suffers. Turn to that body for comfort and support. (Where you can - I'm not saying you have to bare your soul to the whole church, but maybe find a special friend or two and confide in them.)
    I don't think you need to give up on the IVF yet, honey, but you and your DH need to come to your own decision about that. Have you sat down with him and found out how he is feeling?
    And, you might not be ready to consider it now (or ever) but the future doesn't have to be childless, even if you don't have a baby from your own body. There are thousands of babies all over the world waiting for mummies. One could be yours?
    And, if it's any comfort - I have no clue who you are still, IRL.
    Last edited by Cricket; March 1st, 2008 at 10:22 AM.

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