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Thread: I need some advice, prayer and support

  1. #19

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    BW- Your posts have got me in tears... i hear your struggle, and i hear your desperation to want to know the answers, and to know what step to take next.. i feel compelled to share with you my struggle with the decision, of "do i keep trying?" Is the world trying to tell me something, and if it is, why do i still have this uncontrollable need, want and ultimate desire to be a mum.....

    I think you know a bit of my story, but i will fill you in on bits and peices that i have found similar to yours...( i am a sucker for details, so please bear with the novel )

    As a kid, i always pictured myself as a mum. My dolls were my first babies of course, but once i was old enough to pick up a real child, any child..... i was addicted to playing and spending time with children. I was in awe of them, and spent every day dreaming of how it would be when i got to have one of my own.. all the games we would play, all the things i would teach my child, all the love we would share.

    I met and married my soul mate early in some peoples eyes. i was 19 when we met, and 22 when we got married. I knew he was the man to be the father of my children, and i was sooo happy i had found him and would now be on my way to my dream of being a mum.

    I have been trying to have a baby since 2003. The day of my wedding (Jan 2003) i threw away my pill packet, and we started trying. Nothing happened for a year, bar being a week late once until January of 2004, we had an appt to see a specialist to see why we werent falling pregnant, and a few weeks before the appt, i got my first ever BFP.

    This pregnancy ended at 18 weeks, when we discovered Darren had major organ abnormalities, he had only one kidney, which was made up of cycts and when he began to drink the amniotic fluid, he retained all the fluid and it went to his brain and caused bigger problems. I gave birth to my tiny angel in may of 2004.

    We were given no "reason" for this happeneing... just one of those things. one dr even said, He probably should have just been a mis carriage, but for some reason, your body kept him going....

    We took a little break for my body and soul to heal. We were given no reason to not try again, even encouragement, it was "bad luck" and the chances are better for a good outcome next time.. things like this dont happen twice.....

    I had started a trainee ship in a local pub in November of 2004.. it was a new world where no one new i had been pregnant, i would disapear into the life of the hotel, serving my cutomers needs like they the needs of my little boy. i was the most attentive bar chick in the world. i gave alot of my remaining love to my job, and the people i worked for, and that love was returned, those people have become like a second family to myself and dh. Our community is small, and i guess in old fashioned ways, the local pub is the centre. and i was at the helm, and enjoying it.
    I was astounded one day when it hit me... i would never, ever have gotten this job if i had not lost my little boy. I would have been at home with a baby. I struggled with this feeling for a long time. It felt so right being where i was, the people i had met, people i now consider family, who had accepted me, all felt so right, and "meant to be". how could i be happy with that knowing what i lost to get it?

    because this was a path laid out for me to follow....

    While still doing my trainee-ship,in June of 2005 i fell pregnant while still on the pill. i may have been a little slack and missed one or two , but didnt think anything of it, until no aF arrived, i did a HPT and was honestly shocked to see it come up positive. I told my bosses right away that this was unplanned and i would try as hard as possible to work my normal shift and not let this effect the remainder of my trainee ship.

    all went reall well, i wasnt sick at all, in fact i showed no signs of being pregnant, which my little head decided was a good thing, it meant this baby was healthy. I was sick last time and had a sick baby, now i feel GrEAT, it must mean that bubs is doing well too!!

    well, not so much. at 10 weels i started bleeding. I was in and out of hospitals for the weekend, all the drs kept saying was rest, and if the bleeding gets worse, come back.

    By monday i was cramping and bleeding heavier, so i finally got a scan which showed a tiny tiny sack, with no heart beat. the dr said it had never had one. it was a missed miscarriage. again my body was clinging to a baby with no future. My body wanted this to happen as much as my heart did.

    The dr said again... 'just some more bad luck' next time it has to work for you....

    Again we greived. It brought back everything from loosing darren, i became depressed and sad and this time my new family were painfully aware of my history. Once i knew i was pregnant the 2nd time, i started sharing my story of loosing Darren with some people. they knew that this was my struggle, and they supported me through it. I still did my job, though my smile was forced, and my spirit was flat. they all saw the change in me, and did their best to help me smile. There would be days i dreaded getting up in the morning ,only to walk through the door of the pub to have someone smile so brightly at me and say0 "yay kats here!! now my beer will tatse better"

    I slowly came out of it, and i counted the days and months left on my traineeship as i was going to try again as soon as it was over.

    We got through the busy x mas time of 2005 and i was promoted to the office. I still did the odd bar shift to keep in touch with my customers, but the idea was that i could fall pregnant, and still have a job at the pub doing office work. (thank you to the best bosses in the entire world)

    By april i had fallen pregnant again. We were all very excited, scared and wary all at the same time.

    I struggled alot with my pregnancy, my emotions were all over the place, everyone was sooo supportive and we all waited with baited breath as i past the 12 week mark, then the 18 week scan, all good.

    I got to 34 weeks and 5 days before i lost my daughter due to a placental abruption.

    We had come sooo close only to loose yet another baby.

    From here, my memories are a bit blurry. I was not in a good space. I was adament NEVER to try again. Obviously this was a sign from above saying "DO NOT BOTHER- YOU ARE JUST CAUSING YOURSELF PAIN' My sister even said to me one day, "do you think the world is trying to tell you something, maybe its just not meant to happen for you"

    i fell into deep depression. dh and i both had about 6 months of work, i didnt go out, i didnt see people, i didnt live.

    I pondered why this kept happeneing. why all different things, why me?????? what was i doing wrong in my life? Why was i being punished so harshly. why did i get sooooooooooooo very close to have it all ripped away- literally. Why did i still have this empty hole in my heart, that just kept getting bigger and wider and more empty. why did i still have the inner desire to try again/??????

    but i was sooo scared. was i asking for more heart ache by trying again? yes possibly. what would happen if i lost again? what would my life be like if i didnt try again ,and never knew if it would just take ONE MORE time of trying to get my child.

    Could i live with either decision? Do i keep trying, or do i give up all hope of ever full filling my dream of being a mother?

    Then i found the belly belly web site. it was about june of 2007 i think. i was not ready to try again, but i surrounded myself with those who had been through similar experiences, and were still trying. And better still, people who had tried and failed and tried again and who had succeeded. Mothers.

    I admired their strength and their determination. and i knew we all had that feeling within us that we just couldnt ignore. that desire to bring a child into this world to love and cherish and raise into strong independant little people.

    I fed off thier strength, i shared my story, i grew as a person and i helped others to share their own stories. suddenly i felt the old kat back again. The strong determined woman who knew what she wanted and would stop at nothing to get it.

    It took a few months, but i suddenly felt ready. i was ready to dive back into the boiling pot and hope i cooked.

    I was almost successfull the first cycle, but had a very early miscarriage. it didnt deter me, it made me stronger and more determined.

    After 3 more months of trying, i was ecstatic to announce my BFP to my beautiful friends on bb. I have made it past the mis carriage stage, i have had scans, my little sprout's organs are all good and where they should be, and now its just a matter of getting to the end. i am not there yet, but i know that this is going to happen for me this time. i have faith that everything up to this point has made me the person i am, and put me where i need to be. It hurt alot to get here, but i am a better, stronger person for it. my relationship with Dh has been made better by our unified pain, and we are stronger as a couple then we could ever have been.

    Life has a very strange way of showing us where to go and what we should do. we need to trust our feelings,a nd our desire, as that is the key to following our path, and the universe only throws to us what we can handle, and the more we struggle, the better the feeling of success will be at the end. After such a struggle, i can only imagine how ecstatic i am going to be in july when little sprout makes an appearance to the world. It will make all the pain worth while, and i will have been true to my self, and the desire instilled in me will be fullfilled.

    And if the worst does happen, then i will get through it as i have done before, and will no doubt do again.

    I hope my novel has helped you in some way, i would approach the pastor who has experioenced IVF, as Saram said, he is there for you. as a minister, he will feel it is his desire to share his experiences to help others. i beleive he is waiting to help you. Find a way to approach him in a quiet moment, and i am sure he will offer you the guidence and support you are craving.

    Follow your heart BW, and think about it this way, could you live a full filling life knowing that you stopped trying? from what i have read of you, i dont think you could. That is what got to me the most. Regret. we only regret the things we dont do, as we can still learn from trying and failing, where as if you never try, you still fail, and i dont beleive we learn from that. i know i couldnt live the rest of my life wondering "if only i had of had the courage to try once more" what might have been????


    I hope you find some peace with whatever decision you make, and i pray that you live to full fill your desire to become a mother. while you wait, continue to reach to god, and continue to ask him for support in following your heart. maybe encourage your students to pray for their hopes and dreams- whatever they be, so you still have mutual ground to pray together. lead them in asking for help through struggles and pain, and for guidence and reassurance, and share with them that the path is like the yellow brick road. there are twists and turns, and lions and tigers and bears, but with courage, with wisdom and with a big heart you can follow the path and gain strength. The Wizard is always watching over you, and knows where you will end up and how you need to get there, and what you need to endure. he will send Good Witches and Bad Witches as with everything there is good and bad, and we learn from both. But that if you beleive and you stay on that yellow Brick Road, you will get to the Emerald City.

    If you made it through all of this post, you have done well. thank you for allowing me to share, and i hope it has helped give you some more hope.

    best wishes
    starbright
    xoxoxoxo

    Last edited by ~StarBright~; March 1st, 2008 at 10:39 AM.

  2. #20

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    Starbright, thank you for sharing your amazing story. I cried, but it also gave me hope. You are right - if I walk away from IVF now I will always regret it.

    I'm more at peace tonight. I'm not sure exactly what's changed, I just know that it has. I'm remembering that God has been faithful to me in the past, and know that He will continue to be faithful now.

    It's a matter of trusting God. Always. And remembering that everything happens in His time, and not a moment before. I'm focusing on that right now. It helps.

    BW

  3. #21

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    Oh my goodness SB, what an amazing woman you are. I am in awe of you and your kindness in sharing your story with BW in order to help her.

    Spring

  4. #22

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    BW I am glad sharing my story has has helped you. I have been watching your journey from afar, and i am also happy to hear you will continue trying.

    Keep your faith and let it guide you through your decisions.

    All the very best
    SB
    xoxoxo

  5. #23

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    I had a bit of a light bulb moment in church tonight. That moment in time where it feels like the switch has been flicked inside your head and suddenly everything makes sense.

    I guess part of it is the realisation that if a childless future is in store for us, then God will eventually take away that longing. But the IVF process is probably still there to teach us something. God has so often used situations with my health to teach me something. Usually related to using God's strength and not my own because mine is never enough (I'm a slow learner - the first time I learned that lesson, I became so ill I was bed ridden for a month, and a very slow recovery of years after that). Even if the purpose of IVF is not to give us children, but to teach us something, it's important that we continue with it.

    While ever the longing for a child is there, the journey with IVF will continue. While ever we have the money there to keep doing IVF cycles, IVF will continue. God provides all, and if the money is there, it has come from God... when the money is no longer available...

    I feel at peace now. I'm not sure if any of those thoughts actually make sense when you look at them as I have set them out, but I do know that while ever the longing for a child is there, and while ever the physical and financial means are there to continue with IVF, then I guess that's what we are meant to do.

    BW

  6. #24

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    Amen BW!!!

    I think you are so right!

    God will let you know.

    Until then, chase the dreams of your heart. Learn those lessons and know that there is an amazing plan for you and Mr BW.

    I have no doubt.

    Starbright...you are an amazing woman of strength...I wish you the most amazing pregnancy and a birth and baby that truly reflects the beauty of life.

    Take care.

  7. #25

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    That's grouse BW. I guess the trick is to keep in step with God's spirit, so that our will becomes more and more like his.

    Thanks again guys for sharing your stories and journeys. Hopefully I'll be able to draw on your examples as an encouragement if/when we hit rough times. xo

  8. #26

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    Phew! It was such an amazing moment of clarity that hit me in church (and then I couldn't sing any more because I kept getting all teary), but when I tried to put it into words, it didn't really work and sounded all jumbled... I'm glad it made sense.

    I guess I could sum it all up with it's not about the destination, it's about the journey to get there.

    The most important thing of all is that I am calm, happy and I've found that sense of peace... and perhaps a little excitement about the next step in the journey of TTC, and that's what I've been craving for so long. God is amazing, God is faithful, He IS there... we've just got to sit quietly enough for long enough to listen to what He has to say.

    I just want to say thank you to everyone who's helped me through this. It has really meant a lot to me to have your support and encouragement and your prayers. I know I'm not at the end yet, but I'm in a peaceful place where I can rest for a while before the struggle begins anew.

    BW

  9. #27

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    BW... I am in awe of you, i am so happy that you have found the peace and strength you were looking for. I think sharing with other women and just the sense of knowing you are not alone in this journey makes a huge difference. We are all here to help eachother!!

    It is so nice to hear that you have found some excitment in looking forward to your next TTC step!! That is wonderful and a beautiful frame of mind to keep you going!!

    That too is where i came to, while i can still try, i will. And look where it got me!! Imagine if i didnt have the courage to try again.. there would be no little Sprout growing in my belly right now!!

    We will be very special mums one day soon. I beleive it.

    I cant wait to hear you announce when you are ready for your next cycle, when ever that will be, i wish you all the best!!!

    Take care
    SB
    xoxoxo

  10. #28

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    Interesting development today... I realised there was absolutely NO way I could possibly ask the necessary questions in front of the entire staff, and today the CE leader made arrangements for us to get anonymous questions to him. Rather tempted to drop him a note, but with the way things went last night, I'm not entirely sure it's necessary. I will think about it during the week.

    Starbright, with the way my FS has me do our frozen embryo transfers, I could very well be in the midst of a cycle right now. He prefers natural cycles so I don't have to take as many medications as some women do for a FET, but I do need to take drugs to induce ovulation. When not cycling, it's a choice of being on the pill, or continuing to take the ovulation induction drugs, and I feel much more normal when I'm not on the pill... So my FS appointment is on Thursday, which is day 13, and I'm going to be pretty much right to decide then and there whether we'll transfer. From there, it's a couple of blood tests and then we're good to go.

    I do think it's amazing just how quickly you can find yourself under spiritual attack when you think you've got things going the right way again. The fear is setting in tonight. The fear that my last two frozen embryos won't survive thaw and I'll find myself in another stim cycle way quicker than I ever would have thought possible. The fear of OHSS, the time in hospital and the time to recover again is immense. I guess it's just a matter of praying that we can avoid it this time, IF it becomes necessary.

    BW

  11. #29

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    BW - I've been following this thread with interest for a while now, but haven't posted as I'm not sure if I could add any good advice.

    But, I wanted to write and say that your story of faith, perseverence and trust in God has ENCOURAGED me. See God is working for our good through your experiences, even though it might not always seem that way for you. We must press on in our journey, looking forward to the day when Jesus will return and trusting in Him in the meantime.

    I just wanted to let you know that while I don't have any answers, we are privledged to have a God who is in control of all things, so I'll continue to remember you in my prayers.

    I really wanted to post a Bible verse here as well, but I don't want it to seem trite or like it's an easy answer. However, I wanted to share with you this verse which has always been very dear to me:

    Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.

  12. #30

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    Ruth, thank you so much for your post. It is encouraging to know that my struggles are helping and encouraging others - it makes you feel as though there's actually a point to what you're going through.

    Thank you for the verse, also. I have a large cross stitch of it hanging on the wall at home, and I do so often forget what it says and what it means and it just completely slips my mind. A friend did that one, and DH wants me to do a few others for us... Should get started on that some day.

    Anyway, I digress... I read your post while I was supervising a test. Straight after said test we had our homeroom time, and I decided to jump straight in feet first. I switched to The Message version (I love bible gateway!) and read Proverbs 3:1-12 to the kids and we talked about it. It actually went pretty well, and I feel so much better for actually having DONE something in there. And I was even sprung by my head of house doing something with my kids, so that was great. Still no praying with them, still struggling with that. Baby steps... But I did want to let you know that it didn't sound trite at all and it did really help. Both with my state of mind today, and in what I'm supposed to be doing in this school! I think I'll do a bit more on that passage with them. There's so much to get out of it!

    I guess it's the bible passages that touch me that I'm best able to talk about and discuss with the kids, so you've certainly sent me off on the right track. And if anyone else wants to offer encouraging, uplifting passages to use in such a way, I'd really, really love it!

    BW

  13. #31

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    BW, I only just found this thread (I'm hopeless!) and have found it amazing! Where are you at in your headspace with God right now?

    While I can't say I know how you feel from the TTC perspective, I, too have felt angry with God and distant from Him, and confused and lost on a few separate occasions. The worst of these was at the sudden death of my Father, who wasn't a christian, and another time was while we were TTC Sebastian. At Bible Study the other night there was a question in the book something like "How does the fact that Jesus is our high priest help us in times of personal struggle?" I think I freaked out most of the members in our group (except for one 50yr old and very wise man) by saying that it doesn't really help much at all! By that I meant that being a christian doesn't necessarily make life easier (in fact sometimes I reckon it makes it harder), it doesn't make the pain we feel any less, we often don't have peace but can be walking around with gaping holes of pain in our hearts. We don't understand what God is doing in our lives and why things are happening to us. When I am in a really dark place, knowing that JC is my high priest doesn't really make me feel any better, or make my struggle any easier. But what it does do, is give me a hook to hold onto - it's the one firm rock in an otherwise overwhelming sea of pain, IYKWIM? What I know, even if I don't feel it, is that God is working his purposes out, and even if I don't understand the current 3 year stretch of time I'm in, I understand his eternal plan. So if I don't have a handle on this week, for example, I know the story of salvation and the coming renewal of the world. It doesn't make me feel any better, but what I have to accept is that God has the right to do whatever He wants, because He is God, and that in the end He is teaching me and shaping me and maybe I'll understand it all someday. I guess I get frustrated at the "Pollyanna brigade" out there who always seem to be happy-happy joy-joy and maybe I'm being unfair to them and maybe their faith is stronger than mine, but I find it is important to acknowledge our pain. Job did. So I'm all for being real and honest and not pretending to be strong all the time - God works more through our weakness than when we are trying to organise our own lives. Admitting my pain and confusion was the beginning of my journey back to Him. Not that I was ever really away, because He is the one in charge of this relationship!

    This post has turned into rather a ramble, and i don't know if any of it is helpful at all to anyone out there, really, but i suppose I just wanted to say good on you for acknowledging your pain. Every time someone admits their brokenness it makes it easier for someone else to admit theirs (as this thread has already proven) and everytime someone shares something REAL about their lives, it leads to relationship building and growth and encouragement. And as far as I can see, that's what the Kingdom of God is all about.

  14. #32

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    My sister struggled with infertility and many failed IVF attempts over 10 years ago. My mother who is a very devoted member of her church once said to her "maybe God doesn't mean for you to have any children". To which my sister replied - "No Mum, God gave the scientists the knowledge to be able to help me with IVF"....

    Take a quiet moment, go somewhere outdoors, somewhere quiet and beautiful and speak directly to the source. Ask God for guidance, support and help to understand his plan for you.

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