need help - horrible mistake

Oh Kate... big hugs to you, sweetie. What a mess - but, as with all mistakes, you'll survive. I'm sorry you've found yourself in this position, it's such a tricky one!

I have no personal experience with a situation like this, but I have heard a few times that it's nearly impossible to do DNA tests before the baby is born. There is the possibility of amniocentesis (sp?) or a similar test where cells are taken from the womb and tested, but be aware that these types of tests do tend to carry quite a high risk of miscarriage, so tread warily if you can and want to take that option.

I personally have no strong feelings either way about termination, only the woman involved can decide whether it is best for her or not as far as I'm concerned, so if you do decide that termination is your best option in this instance (and, tbh, if it were me I would probably choose to do so rather than 'dupe' my husband into raising someone else's child, or ruin the lives of the other man and his partner by having it all out in the open, kwim?), you have my support at least. As someone else said, there is a support group for those who are considering or have had a pregnancy terminated, they are a wonderful group of ladies who can share personal experiences and help you come to a decision that works for you.

And again, only you are the best person to know whether or not this should all be aired - I agree with others that a relationship based on lies is not preferable, but then nothing is black and white... you know your situation and you know what kind consequences would come from this, so whether you tell your husband and/or the other man involved is entirely up to you - again, you have my support in that.

I have sadly little knowledge of ovulation and fertilisation periods lol, I've never been 'regular' and conception has happened for me the minute I stop taking the pill so I've never had to do my charts etc, so I'm sorry I can't offer much advice on whether I think the bub you're carrying is more likely to be your husband's or the other man's.

Feel free to PM me if you want to chat about anything, I wish you the best of luck and I hope this situation is resolved with as little pain as possible. Stay strong :)

Kate - huge hugs. I have been to hell and back in my marriage due to a huge breakdown (resulting in a year apart) so hopefully my advice is helpful.

Firstly, no matter how bad things seem, they do get better. Everything happens for a reason, we all make mistakes and the wise ones amongst us learn from our mistakes. I'm sure you will too hon.

Like one of the other girls mentioned, I'm not 100% sure that telling your husband is the right thing to do - at least not yet. I would firstly see a counsellor (Relationships Australia are a good, easy choice) or see a clinical psychologist. I saw a psychologist for 18 months (I'm not saying you have to see one for that long though) and to this day, it's one of the best things I've done. I learnt SO much about me, my relationship and life in general. Boy did I grow. One thing my shrink said to me has always stuck in my mind though was 'telling the truth in some situations only relieves our own guilt and can cause a lot of unnecessary hurt to others'. Believe it or not, there are some situations where telling the truth is not the best option and hearing this from a trained psychologist was very interesting. Yes, he had my best interests at heart but hey, it was a VERY open 18 months and I had nothing to hide yet there were some things he just didn't see necessary for me to share with others. All humans have secrets - no one can deny this. Anyway, his words will always be clear in my mind. Get some professional advice and continue (if you can) to get advice. I think you will need it and really benefit from it too.

Listen to your heart too hon - trust your instincts. Don't listen to or get bogged down in what society says is 'right' or 'wrong' - there is no right or wrong. Believe in yourself and remember anyone who is judging you doesn't have a leg to stand on until they have walked in your shoes. You may be surprised where your instincts take you but more often than not, it's the right way.

I know that the situation seems like the end of the world now but there is a light at the end of the tunnel, it's probably just not 'switched on' yet. You will look back on this and be amazed at how you got through it and you will only be a better person for the experience.

Sorry for all the philisophical stuff but I'd like to think my tough times can somehow help others now. My main message to you is don't make any rash decisions and seek help from an unbiased source - such as a counsellor or shrink. They are trained to help with these situations and will not judge you under any circumstances.

It does sound like you DH is most likely the dad but it really could go either way. Yeah, the more I think about it the more I hope you see a professional for help. You have so much to digest and think about hon, don't try to do it on your own.

Good luck with everything and remember, you're not the first and you won't be the last and all bad situations DO get better :hug:

PS: on a positive note, DH and I have a better relationship than ever now and we're both grateful that I had my breakdown as it taught us an awful lot about ourselves and our relationship.

Through CVS or amnio it is possible to test the genetics of the baby. This is how prenatal testing for inherited conditions is done. At least one of the potential fathers would have to provide DNA.

However, you would most probably have to consult a geneticist or genetic counsellor to discuss the ethics of doing the procedure due to the small chance of miscarriage. This could help you work out if it is what you want to do, but i think the laboratory/health care provider would also have to consider their role and whether they would be comfortable to offer the procedure (when its not done for medical reasons).

CVS can be done earlier and has a miscarriage risk of 1%. Amnio is performed later in the pregnancy and has a miscarriage risk of 0.5%.

iv got no advice hun, just huge hugs...this is not a easy desicion...but you will have support from us...let us know how things go.
love rach xxx

ok just got back from the dr's and as i expected they said its 50/50 as to who the father is. so have decided to go ahead with a termination and spoke to the dr about it. it was good to talk to someone and as much as i said i wouldnt cry i sat there for about 10 mins balling which was quite embarrassing! she was very non-judgemental which really helped. feel better about it now that ive made a definite decision and am going to call the clinic on monday and discuss my termination options, have read you can get it done anywhere from 5 weeks onwards and im 4 and 1/2 weeks pregnant so hopefully i can get it done in the next couple of weeks and forget this ever happened and move on with my life! thanks everyone who gave me their advice! and im sorry to those ppl out there who dont agree with abortion but i see it as my only option now.

its great that you've come to a decision but please still consider see a mediator or counsellor just to talk through the process with both before and after....i think this will also help you act normal around DH and move onfaster....hugs hunni

Good on you for making your decision. Personally I think it's the right one. As far as I know DNA tests for this purpose are not done in Australia (whilst pregnant) so you would not have been able to find out who the father was til after the birth. Imagine if bub had come out looking like your friend (this happened many years ago in a hospital near where I used to live and the delivery room was wrecked by the guy who thought he was the father, cos he just went nuts). The consequences would've been enormous for you, your hubby & your friends.

Who are you going to get to go with your to get it done? You are going to need a support person and it's obviously not going to be your hubby. Make sure it's someone you can trust 100% (maybe mum, sister or best friend) or it will get back to him.

Good Luck chickie - you gotta do what you gotta do xoxoxoxoxo

I too think you are doing the right thing for you... Please take someone along with you, be perpared to be feeling quite low, you will have to think up something to tell your DH, I would proberly go with saying you had a M/C ( dont shoot me everyone ) as that way you can openly grive your loss... and would explain the blood loss and lack of BDing, until you feel ready for it... :hug:

I dont think I would tell my BHL, as I know that I wouldnt want to know, if he did this too me, If he felt racked with guilt and knew in his heart and soul as you do that he would never do it again then I wouldnt want to know... I wouldnt want the hurt or the pain of knowing and not trusting him, I know this isnt how everyone feels but its what I would feel, I would want him to keep it to himself and deal with his own guilt on his own...

Best of luck over the next coming week

Best of luck hun, hope everything works out for you the way you want it to. I would still recommend having a chat to a counsellor just to make sure your head is totally clear and to help you confirm within yourself you're making the right decision (and, personally, I think you are but I only know the basics of your situation so you are the only person who can say what is right for you) and to establish that contact so that if you need to talk about things afterwards, or something goes wrong (eg someone finds out about the whole thing) that you know you have somewhere to go to talk about things...

Best of luck with your decisions and moving on from here, feel free to stick around BB (you mentioned you and your husband were TTC, so maybe we can be there for your journey if you decide to go ahead with that once all's said and done with this situation!), we're happy to help you talk through things and give you the support you need during such a stressful time :)

Again, good luck, let us know how things go :)

Just wanted to wish you luck. Everyone makes mistakes. You've been so brave coming here & opening your heart up knowing that some people may judge or attack you.

Please make sure you have support from someone you can trust throughout the next few weeks.

:hug:

Hope it all works out. There will be a counsellor at the clinic -it is a legal requirement. You sound like you have come to terms with your decision. I do hope you seek some counselling afterwards.

Happy you have a decision hun :)

Only you know what's best for you and your situation, it's not for anyone to judge ;)

Good luck i really hope it all works out well for you, and that life goes on as you planned it :)

Just wanted to send some hugs to you. What a terrible situation to have found yourself in.

I am glad that you have made a decision, and hope that it brings you peace. I had a termination many years ago (different scenario), and really struggled with it, even though I am VERY pro-choice. I second the posters who advise counselling, but I also agree that you should act quickly. And i was one of those who then had probelms TTC (although this was due to my age and not due to the termination).

yes this is a potential baby, and yes you long for one, but you have posted some excellent reasons why you dont want your mistake to impact on everyone else, and I understand that fully.

I wish you luck with everything and hope you find some peace.

good luck with every thing kate!! take care hun xoxo

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I too think you are doing the right thing for you... Please take someone along with you, be perpared to be feeling quite low, you will have to think up something to tell your DH, I would proberly go with saying you had a M/C ( dont shoot me everyone ) as that way you can openly grive your loss... and would explain the blood loss and lack of BDing, until you feel ready for it... :hug:

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:yeahthat:
Good luck with everything, i dont have much to say as everyone has said it for me.
Let us know how everything turns out xx
People make mistakes, it turns us into who we are today!!

Take care Kate :hug:

I really hope you have a good friend or family member who you can trust and talk to, it will be a tough time afterwards and you will need some support.

Sara

Just one last thought on this. When you do eventually have a baby with your hubby, if you haven't told him about this then you are going to have to be very careful about him going to hospital or OB appointments with you - particularly the first one at each where they go through your history.... it will come up. At my hospital they asked if I wanted my partner to leave the room while they did that part, but I don't know if all hospitals do that. Just something to keep in mind if it's still a secret when you get further down the track.