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Thread: Dd1 has a bf. My parents are having a fit.

  1. #1

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    Default Dd1 has a bf. My parents are having a fit.

    Dd is 13 (today), she has a boyfriend who's 15. And aboriginal. My parents have lost their minds.

    As far as they're concerned it needs to stop. Now. I need to make it stop. She's boarding at a co-ed residential college. I need to contact the school & the college & get them on my side to stop it. He's 15 & the aboriginals from *that town* are bad news.

    When she first told me (I already knew), she did it in front of them. They went to work the next day & talked to everyone they worked with about it. Did the whole 'he needs to see that she isn't like so & so, who'll do what he likes. She has a family who won't stand here & say nothing'. 'You better get her on the pill'.

    So I took my daughter away from them. And I actually talked to her. There are no texts between them on her phone. He has called twice over the holidays & last I looked there were 3 messages between them on facebook. There's nothing on his fb to indicate the type of kid he is (I've done my stalking). I haven't met him, but I'm not sure I even will. I don't know how many parents are actually told about their daughters first boyfriend. I didn't tell mine. For this reason.

    I want to trust my daughter. I don't want to push her to hide this from me. And having them decide to keep it secret down there will just encourage them to find ways to be alone together... that's not something I'm exactly wanting. I let her know that boys his age, & girls her age, want different things, and that she's not to ever do anything she's not ok with, but I can't see her going that far. I can't put her on the pill anyway, since she doesn't have af yet.

    I thought this was all over when she told my sister they were friends & that he was nice to her. They just figured she was stirring me. Today I receive a new text about it;

    ' Just wanted to let you know, ***** said ***** is definitely *****'s boyfriend and they 'hug really weirdly'. I might drop up to talk to them at the hostel'

    I have no idea what 'hug weirdly' means. They have supervisors with them constantly at the hostel, so I can't see them doing anything exciting without someone putting a stop to it.

    At dd's age my mother made me feel like I was a little tart. She actually called me that. Me wanting to go for walks all the time was me 'tarting around'. What ever the hell that meant. I didn't lose my virginity til I was bloody 17! But then I truly believe the reason I stayed with ex for so long is because of the way they were. I needed to prove that he was good enough. I don't know who she'd have preferred tbh, but his family were white trash in her eyes. I had to prove her wrong. Didn't I mess that up :/

    I won't do that with my daughter. I refuse to let the same happen. I want her to know what's healthy & what's not. Rather than just saying no.

    Am I wrong? Maybe I am, but if I wasn't feeling bullied & belittled by them I might feel differently.

    I don't know. I just want to do this my way & not have everyone throwing their opinions at me. Making me feel like I know nothing & that I obviously can't do this alone.

  2. #2

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    Default Re: Dd1 has a bf. My parents are having a fit.

    Personally I think that you are handling it perfectly. Your daughter felt comfortable enough to tell you about her first ever boyfriend. That is a big deal.

    I would ignore any "well-meaning" advice from family, especially since it has caused you so much angst in the past.

    Your instincts sound spot on. Keep raising a beautiful, healthy and happy girl who is confident in herself and knows she can trust her mum.

  3. #3

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    Default Re: Dd1 has a bf. My parents are having a fit.

    Your parents need to back off. She's not their child and I think you're doing the best you can to handle it. Honestly, I would be worried about the boarding hostel though - they aren't supervised as much as you think they are. But that said, it's not going to matter where they are, if they want to actually *do* anything, they will find a way to do it. They rae young and it's likely to end of it's own accord if everyone (ie your parents ) just calms the hell down and backs off. You know yourself that the more you speak out about it the more it will make her want to be with him.

  4. #4

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    Default Re: Dd1 has a bf. My parents are having a fit.

    Agree with all above.
    On a side note when I first read your thread title I thought you meant breast feed! I was totes confused for a bit lol

  5. #5

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    Default Re: Dd1 has a bf. My parents are having a fit.

    You know your DD better than anyone and sounds to me like you are handling it really well.
    I felt sad about your mum saying you were "tarting around". My daughter turns 13 this year and I can't imagine why anyone would say that to a 13 year old. Sorry that your parents are still trying to "bully and belittle" you.

  6. #6

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    Default Re: Dd1 has a bf. My parents are having a fit.

    She's back at school tomorrow. Yesterday I told her maybe it'd be easier if she gave it up, just put it off & if they're still interested when they're older they could try again.

    But this morning I realised that I was laying down & letting them make me feel like giving in. So I let her know it was up to her what she does, but that there was one rule. They're not to be alone together. Which they're not doing yet anyway.

    I really hope my mum backs off though. I'm so sick of her making me feel stupid & useless.

  7. #7

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    Default Re: Dd1 has a bf. My parents are having a fit.

    Quote Originally Posted by ~clover~ View Post
    She's back at school tomorrow. Yesterday I told her maybe it'd be easier if she gave it up, just put it off & if they're still interested when they're older they could try again.

    But this morning I realised that I was laying down & letting them make me feel like giving in. So I let her know it was up to her what she does, but that there was one rule. They're not to be alone together. Which they're not doing yet anyway.

    I really hope my mum backs off though. I'm so sick of her making me feel stupid & useless.
    I think the rule is great!!

  8. #8

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    Default Re: Dd1 has a bf. My parents are having a fit.

    I think you are doing all the right things, keeping the lines of communication open with your DD is the most important thing here, you want her to be able to come to you about anything! Your parents need to back off!
    You know your own DD and what she is doing...keep doing what you are doing and ignore the crap from your parents and tell them to leave your DD alone, YOU are dealing with it!

  9. #9

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    Default Re: Dd1 has a bf. My parents are having a fit.

    Thanks all. Im sure if this was my brother & his partner they'd be left to do this between themselves. Because I'm a single mother I must be incompetent.

  10. #10

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    Default Re: Dd1 has a bf. My parents are having a fit.

    My ds is 15 his gf is 18 (by only a few weeks)
    We were worried but he has been completely open and honest with us. So we too have 1 rule - there not allowed to be alone together.

    Funny thing is she has been good for him, helping him do the right things.
    If we told him he couldn't see her he still would have except he would hide it.

  11. #11

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    Default Re: Dd1 has a bf. My parents are having a fit.

    I definitely think you are doing the right thing. She trusts you and is communicating, and you have set boundaries.


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