Well Said Ali.
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Well Said Ali.
Sue, it sounds to me like what's going on in your relationships is classic Karpman's Drama Triangle interactions. In the drama triangle, there's always a victim, a persecutor, and a rescuer. Many of us tend to play out relationships in this way, and we often switch roles (though we usually have a preferred role such as victim). It's up to you to claim responsibility for both your feelings, and your actions, in order to get off the triangle of misery. In your case I have observed you play all three roles, but your primary role seems to be victim. (No judgement here, I too have struggled with this in my life and many of us do, I'm just calling it as I see it).
Here's some info on it. (sorry, it's long). I think a few ppl will find this interesting.
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Karpmans model puts forward the idea that people often take on three psychological roles in situations in daily life. The three roles are:
Victim – (Power Position) claims to be helpless, powerless, accepts very little responsibility, inadequate.
Persecutor – (Power Position) always knows better, stands over, finds fault, critical, unpleasant, rigid bullying style, power may be covert.
Rescuer – (Power Position) stressed, works hard to assist others, I function - you don’t, intervenes, saves instead of empowers, doesn’t allow responsibility, rescues the vulnerable.
Karpmans model is often used to describe dysfunctional relationships. The three roles are not static and a player will move from one role to the other in the course of an interaction. This is called the switch.
Players will change roles very quickly (switch) creating a tension filled and often unfulfilling interaction. This sort of interaction becomes an established pattern early in people’s lives. It is unconscious and unplanned. And it can lead to many negative and destructive actions and consequences for all involved..
“The Three Faces Of Victim” by Lynne Arnold
Most of us unconsciously react to life from a position of victim-hood. When we refuse to take responsibility for ourselves, we play the victim. This leaves us feeling helpless, duped, angry, unable to change; regardless of our situation. Victim-hood consists of three positions outlined by Stephen Karpman, a teacher of Transactional Analysis, on what he called the "Drama Triangle". Having learned of it some thirty years ago, it has been one of the most important tools in my personal life, as well as my professional life.
As my understanding of the Drama Triangle has expanded, so has my appreciation for this simple, but powerfully accurate instrument. I call it the "shame machine" because through it we unconsciously re-enact our vicious cycles, thereby creating shame. Every dysfunctional interaction takes place on the Drama Triangle! Until we make these dynamics conscious, we cannot transform them. Unless we transform them, we cannot move forward on our journey towards re-claiming our spiritual heritage.
Karpman named the three roles on the Drama Triangle, Persecutor, Rescuer and Victim and placed them on an inverted triangle representing the three faces of victim. Even though only one is called Victim, all three originate out of and end up back there. Therefore they are all stopping places on the road to victim-hood, although each have a most familiar, or, starting gate position.
We first learn our primary position from within our family. Although we each have a role with which we most identify, we will also rotate through all the positions, going completely around the triangle, sometimes in a matter of minutes, or even seconds, many times every day.
It's difficult to realize we ourselves are victims when we are in a care-taking or blaming role. Nonetheless these two, Rescuer and Persecutor, are the two opposite extremes of Victim. This is because all roles eventually lead back to victim. It's inevitable.
You notice that both the Persecutor and Rescuer are on the upper end of the triangle. Whenever we assume either of these stances, we come across as one-up. From either position we are relating as though we are better, stronger, smarter, or more-together than the victim. Sooner or later the Victim, in the one-down position, develops a metaphorical "crick in the neck" from looking up. Feeling looked down upon, resentment builds and some form of retaliation follows. At that point the Victim moves into a Persecutor role. Reminiscent of a not-so-musical game of musical chairs, all players sooner or later rotate positions.
Here's an example: Dad comes home from work to find mom and Junior engaged in conflict. "Clean up your room or else," mom threatens. Dad immediately comes to the rescue. "Mom" he might say,"give the boy a break". Any one of several possibilities might follow. Perhaps Mom, feeling victimized by Dad, turns on him, moving Dad into Victim position. They might do a few quick trips around the triangle with Junior on the sidelines. Or maybe Junior joins Dad in a persecutory "Let's gang up on mom" approach, or again Junior could turn on Dad, rescuing Mom, with, "Mind your own business, Dad . I don't need your help!" So it goes, with endless variations, but nonetheless, pinging at each corner of the triangle. For many families, it's the only way they know how to interact.
Everyone has a starting-gate position on the Drama Triangle. This is not only the place we most often get hooked, but also the role through which we actually define ourselves; a strong part of our identity. Each starting-gate position has its own particular way of seeing and reacting to the world. Each primary position originates out of a particular life theme and moves around the triangle in its own distinct way.
For instance, although we all eventually end up in the victim position on the triangle, the starting-gate position of Rescuer (*henceforth starting-gate positions will be capitalized to differentiate them from the movement through a particular role) moves through victim and persecutor in a very different way than do either a primary Persecutor or Victim.
The Rescuer moves into victim wearing the cloak of martyrdom with thoughts such as, "After all I've done for you ...", whereas a Persecutor claims victim as a way to justify vengeance “If it weren't for you, I wouldn't have had to ....". Whereas a Rescuer may persecute by withdrawing their care-taking, a Persecutor's rescuing is liable to be almost as painful as when they are in attack-mode. And a starting-gate Victim is perpetually pitiful and incapable. They even rescue from a one-down position "You're the only one who can help me, because you're so talented”…”smart”... etc. Our primary positions are generally set-up in childhood. For instance, if a parent is overly protective, doing everything for a child, then that child may grow up to feel incapable of taking care of themselves, or the opposite, they might come to feel angry and vindictive if others don't take care of them, thereby adopting a primary Persecutor stance. Either way, this sets them up for a lifetime role of Victim.
There are many variations, and each case needs to be individually considered. We not only act out these triangular distortions in our everyday relations with others, but also internally. We move around the triangle as rapidly inside our minds as we do out in the world. We trap ourselves with dishonest and dysfunctional internal dialogue. For example, we may come down hard on ourselves for not completing a project. Perhaps we lambast ourselves as being lazy, inadequate or defective, causing us to spiral into feelings of anger and self-worthlessness. Inwardly, we cower to this persecutory voice, fearing it may be right.
Can you see the persecutor/victim exchange happening? As soon as we begin to blame or insult, a victim is created. And in this case, we're it! This could go on for minutes, hours or days, but sooner or later, there will be a voice in us that comes to the rescue. Because we're feeling lousy and need relief, we start to make excuses,” Well, I would have finished that project if it hadn't been for ...", we might say. Now we have moved into rescuer. Sometimes we rescue ourselves, and others, by denying what we know, "If I look the other way and pretend not to notice, it will go away", we say. These inner dramas perpetuate a vicious cycle of shame spirals and self loathing. Whether through internal interaction or external communication, moving around the triangle keeps the self-disparaging messages rambling.
The Drama Triangle becomes our own personal shame machine. The good news is that we can do something about it. We have to learn to turn off the shame machine in order to get off the triangle. It's simple, but not easy.
Before we can get off the triangle we have to recognize and be willing to relinquish the drama produced therein. We must first become intimately acquainted with the costs and trade-offs of each stopping place on the path of victim-hood. This allows us to not only recognize the various roles, but to realistically evaluate the consequences of being at each dysfunction. Identifying the language and behaviors of each role further helps us to comprehend when we are being invited by others to join them on the triangle. With this awareness, we can choose whether or not we want to dance to the shame generating tune of victim. With that end in mind, let's examine each role carefully.
Rescuer
The Rescuer role is the shadow mother principle. It's the typically co-dependent response we think of as “smothering". It's a distorted version of the feminine aspect that genuinely desires to nurture and protect. The Rescuer is the enabler, protector, mediator; the one who wants to "fix" the problem. Of course, before a Rescuer can remedy a problem there needs to be one. Part of the issue of rescuing is that it comes from an unconscious need to feel important or to establish oneself as the savior. Taking care of others is the only way a Rescuer knows how to connect or to feel worthwhile. Rescuers usually have grown up in families where they were put down or shamed for having needs. They therefore learn to deny those needs, turning instead to taking care of others. This makes having someone who needs them essential.
Very often, Rescuers operate out of the hope that if they just take care of others well enough they will get their turn, too. Unfortunately this rarely happens. Often the resulting disappointment sends them spiraling into depression. Martyrdom and depression earmark the victim phase of a Rescuer's dance around the triangle. This is when concerns are voiced such as, "This is what I get, after all I've done for you" or,"No matter how much I do, it's never enough", or "If you loved me, you would be more supportive."
A Rescuer's greatest fear is that there will be nobody there for them. They compensate for that anxiety by making it a point to be there for others, thus encouraging dependency. They make themselves indispensable as a primary way of avoiding abandonment and to receive the validation they long for, as well.
Rescuers are oblivious to the crippling dependency they foster. Through these tactics, they send disabling messages. Everyone involved becomes convinced that the Victim is incapable, inadequate or defective, thus reinforcing the need for constant rescue. It becomes the job of the Rescuer to keep the other propped up,” for their own good", of course. Having a Victim is essential in order for the Rescuer to maintain the illusion of being one-up and needless. This means then, that there will always be at least one person in every core Rescuer’s life who is sick, fragile, inept and in need of their care.
Beatrice grew up seeing her mother as helpless and ineffectual. From an early age, she felt a huge responsibility to take care of her frail parent. Her own well-being depended on it!
As the years went by, however, she could scarcely contain the inner rage she felt towards her mother for being so needy and weak. As a starting-gate Rescuer, she would do all she could to bolster her mother, only to come away again and again, feeling defeated (victim) because nothing she tried worked. Inevitably the resentment would take over leading her to resort to treating her mother with scorn (persecutor). This became her primary interactive pattern, not only with her mother, but in all of her relationships. By the time we met she was emotionally, physically and spiritually exhausted from having spent her life taking care of one sick and dependent person after another.
Persecutor
Like the other roles, the Persecutor is shame based. It's the sort of anger that results from growing up overloaded with scorn. Persecutors have long ago repressed their convictions of worthlessness, covering them instead with indignant wrath and an attitude of uncaring.
In the same way that the Rescuer is the shadow mother principle, this role is the shadow father principle. The father's job is to protect and provide for his family. The Persecutor role is a perversion of that energy, instead attempting to "reform" through force. This role is taken on by someone who has learned to meet their needs through authoritarian, controlling and often punishing methods. The Persecutor overcomes feelings of shame by over-powering others. Domination becomes their most prevalent style of interaction. This means they must always be right! Techniques include preaching, blaming, lecturing, interrogating and attack. They believe in getting even, very often through passive aggressive acts. Just like the Rescuer needs someone to fix, the Persecutor needs someone to blame! Persecutors deny their weaknesses in the same way Rescuers deny their needs. Their greatest fear is powerlessness. Denying their own infirmities, they are in constant need of someone on whom they can project their own unclaimed inadequacies. Both Rescuers and Persecutors therefore need a Victim in order to sustain their place on the triangle.
Persecutors also tend to compensate for inner feelings of worthlessness by putting on grandiose airs. Grandiosity inevitably comes from shame. It provides compensation and a cover-up for a deep internal inferiority. Superiority is about swinging hard to the other side of "less than" in order to come across as "better than".
A client who is also a doctor, exemplifies the Persecutor mentality. He believed hurting others was justified as a compensation when his own pain was triggered. Once in session, he told about running into a patient of his on the golf course. He said his patient had the nerve to ask for on-the-spot treatment. "Can you believe he asked me to treat his injury on my one day off?" he railed. I asked him how he handled it.
"Oh, I took him to my office, all right,” he said, “and he got a steroid shot too," the doctor chuckled,"but I bet he'll never ask me to do that again."
“Oh?” I was puzzled.
"Oh yeah, I gave him a shot he'll never forget!"
To the doctor, his action was justified. His patient had infringed on him. He deserved whatever pain he got. This is a prime example of Persecutor thinking. It never occurred to my client that he could have just said no. He did not have to feel victimized by, or have to rescue, this patient. In his mind he had been treated unjustly and therefore he had the right, even the obligation, to get even.
It is most difficult for someone in this stance to take responsibility for the way they hurt others. In their mind, others deserve the treatment they receive! These warring individuals tend to see themselves as having to fight the world for survival! Theirs is a constant struggle to regain the love that they perceive has been taken from them.
Victim
The Victim is a life role most often taken on by someone who was raised by a dedicated Rescuer. It is the shadow of the precious child within; that part in each of us that is innocent, vulnerable and needy. This child-self does need support on occasion but when an individual becomes convinced that they can never take care of themselves they easily take on a primary Victim stance. Accepting the idea that they are intrinsically defective, Victims adopt an attitude of "I can't make it." This becomes their greatest fear, which forces them to be ever vigilant for someone “more capable," to carry them.
Victims deny both their problem solving abilities and their potential for self-generated power. Instead they tend to see themselves as too fragile to handle life. Feeling done in by, at the mercy of, mistreated, intrinsically bad and wrong, they see themselves as the “unfixable problem". This doesn't stop them, however from feeling highly resentful for their dependency. Victims eventually get fed up with being in the one-down position and find ways to get even. A move to persecutor usually means sabotaging the efforts made to rescue them, as well as other passive-aggressive behaviors. They are very apt players of the game called,"Yes, but." Any time a helpful suggestion is offered, a Victim response might be,"Yes, but that won't work because ...". They may also resort to the persecutor role as a way to blame or manipulate others into taking care of them.
The Victim consumes a daily dose of shame. Convinced of their intrinsic incompetence, they live in a perpetual shame spiral, often leading to self abuse. Perpetual Victims walk around much like the Charlie Brown character, Pig-Pen in his whirlwind of dust, except Victims are surrounded by a shame vortex of their own making. This cloud of shame becomes their total identity.
Linda was the second-born in her family. Almost from birth, she had problems. Linda was a child who was forever in trouble of one sort or another. She struggled academically, was perpetually disruptive and often sick. It came as no surprise to anyone when she got into drugs as a teenager. Her mother, Stella, was a die-hard Rescuer. Thinking she was being helpful, Stella bailed Linda out every time she got into trouble. By alleviating the natural consequences, Stella's earnest enabling deprived Linda of the opportunity to learn from her poor choices. As a result, Linda came to see herself as incapable and became dependent on others to fix things. Her mother's well-intentioned rescuing sent a crippling message which promoted a life long Victim stance.
Projection and Shadow of Victim-hood
As individuals grow in awareness and begin to alter their behavior, they often change their starting-gate positions. Becoming aware of a primary position, they may commit to change but often merely switch roles instead. Although they may be operating from a different place, they are nonetheless still on the triangle. This happens frequently and may even be an essential part of learning the full impact of living on the triangle. Placing the three positions on a straight line with Victim in the middle, is a way of demonstrating that Persecutor and Rescuer are simply the two extremes of victim-hood.
Persecutor ------- VICTIM ------- Rescuer
All three roles are merely the perverted expression of positive powers we possess, but deny. The primary face we assume determines which of these traits are denied. The Rescuer embodies the gifts of mediation and problem solving, yet intervenes in unhealthy ways to those who elicit these characteristics. It might be deemed a feminine aspect. The Persecutor, on the other hand, is the part of us that knows about the use of power and assertiveness, yet exercises these gifts in distorted ways. They might be considered masculine attributes. When these essential qualities are not fully acknowledged and claimed, they are repressed into the unconscious, where they become the perverted expressions we see on the Drama Triangle. In other words, because these aspects are denied, they are expressed in unconscious and irresponsible ways.
When we suppress both our problem solving abilities and our willingness to initiate assertive action, we take on the role of Victim. When we see ourselves primarily as mediators and caretakers, we deny ourselves by setting inappropriate boundaries. We occupy the Rescuer position. Persecutors on the other hand, have hidden their caring, nurturing qualities, and therefore tend to problem solve through anger, abuse and control. In essence, the victim's dance is a constant, unconscious surfacing of unclaimed aspects of ourselves that produces perpetual drama.
We live in a Victim based society. In the United States, we think of ourselves as Rescuers. For many years Russia was the Persecutor with third world countries being the under-dog, or Victim. Several years ago, Russia's President Gorbachev allegedly told President Bush,"I'm about to do the worst thing imaginable, I'm going to take away your enemy!" He innately understood our country's need for a scapegoat, which provides us the chance to say,"It's those bad communists again". Otherwise, we, as Americans might be forced to take responsibility for our own perpetrator tendencies.
Our very history is built on persecution. Within a few years of arriving in America, our forefathers began to systematically oppress, subjugate, and even kill the Native Americans who had been living here for centuries,yet we resist seeing our role as any other than Rescuer. Our cultural identity is tied to being the good guys of the world, however distorted. It is always difficult for Persecutors to perceive themselves as Persecutors. It is much easier to justify the necessity for persecution than to own the oppressor role.
The cycle is: "I was just trying to help (rescuer), and they turned on me (victim), so I had to defend myself (persecutor).” Persecution is always justified as a necessary defense, although it is the role most often denied. After all, who wants to admit that they mistreat people?
The Rescuer, on the other hand, has no trouble identifying with their helper roles. They are generally proud of their position as caretakers and fixers. They are socially acclaimed and rewarded for “selfless acts" of helping. They believe in the goodness of being caretakers and see themselves as heroes. What they deny is the ill-begotten consequences of their enabling/disabling acts. But what these “do-gooders” can’t see is how they, themselves, end up as victims. It's very hard for a Rescuer to hear themselves referred to as victims even while they complain about how mistreated they are!
Triangular Pain
Living on the Drama Triangle creates misery. The primary commonality is that none of the players know how to take responsibility for themselves. The cost is tremendous for all three roles and lead to emotional, mental and even physical pain. Evading responsibility and/or attempting to protect oneself or others causes angst, and yet it becomes the primary goal of those caught up on the triangle. The simple truth is that the greatest pain is created in trying to avoid accepting responsibility for ourselves or to allow others to accept responsibility for themselves. When we try to shield others from the truth, we discount their abilities. Everyone involved ends up hurt and angry, no-one wins.
As long as we chase ourselves and others around the Triangle, we relegate ourselves to living in reaction. Rather than living vibrant lives of spontaneity and choice, we settle for a dull life ruled by others’ agendas. To experience a fulfilling life requires a conscious willingness to get off the triangle and extend grace to those still encumbered by their drama.
Denied Feelings
Frequently we find entry onto the triangle through the port of denied feelings. Whenever we deny our own or another's feelings we inevitably end up playing a role on the triangle. We rescue others anytime we attempt to keep them from feeling bad, such as, "I can't tell Jim what I think because it'll hurt his feelings.” So we keep our opinions, feelings and thoughts hidden which inevitably creates distance.
Parents who grew up without permission to acknowledge or express feelings often deny their children the same right. Repressed, these denied emotions become secret shame pockets, alienating us from others and sentencing us to life on the triangle. Feelings, although changeable, are nonetheless real.
Anytime we deny our feelings we set ourselves up for a victim perspective. We cannot take responsibility for feelings we have not allowed ourselves to acknowledge, therefore we end up on the triangle.
Shame and Core Beliefs
As we interact with other triangular participants, we generate shame. Although each role moves around the triangle in their own distinct way, each starting gate position possesses core beliefs that generates this shame-based interaction. These unconscious attitudes are what creates feelings of worthlessness, inadequacy and defectiveness. The triangle is the way we reinforce and perpetuate beliefs.
Rescuers, for instance, believe that their needs should be denied as unimportant and irrelevant. The only way they can legitimately connect with others and feel valued and have their needs met, is by taking care of someone else. Rescuers chastise themselves when they aren't care-taking others. Their primary myth is; "If I take care of others well enough and long enough, then I will be fulfilled and feel loved”.
Unfortunately, Rescuers are involved with life-time Victims who have no idea of how to be there for others. This reinforces the Caretaker's core belief that they shouldn’t be needy, which then produces more shame surrounding their needs.
Guilt and shame are the driving forces for the perpetuation of the Triangle. Guilt is often by Victims in an effort to hook their Rescuers into taking care of them: "If you don't do it, who will?” The Victims’ shame produces the belief that they are not able to make it on their own. They feel powerless and needy.
Persecutors who believe the world is dangerous, use shame as a primary tool for keeping others in their place. Their primary goal is to feel safe by putting others down. “Get them before they get me!”, is their primary agenda although this is often unconscious. What better way of accomplishing that, then to judge, moralize or denigrate their victims?
Dishonesty
Of course, once feelings are denied, reality and honesty become impossible. Telling our truth first requires knowing it. When we react out of denied feelings and unconscious programming, we cannot possibly know our personal truth. This means that there will be hidden agendas and dishonesty. This is another primary trait of all players on the triangle. Only by knowing our truth, can we begin to speak from a place of personal honesty. Then exiting the triangle becomes possible.
Failed Intimacy
Although most long for a sense of connection with others, many people are secretly terrified of intimacy. Allowing someone to really know us can be frightening. Intimacy requires vulnerability and honesty. Believing at heart that we are unlovable, defective or “less than,” makes it difficult to reveal ourselves. We want unconditional acceptance, but when we haven't accepted ourselves, it's impossible to believe that anyone else could embrace us. Needing to hide our unworthiness makes distance imperative. As long as we maintain hidden agendas and deny our truth, intimacy is impossible. Victim-hood is designed to insure alienation, not only from others, but also from ourselves.
Getting Off the Triangle
In order to get off the Triangle, we must first decide to take responsibility for ourselves. We then begin to allow ourselves to acknowledge and express our true feelings, even when doing so is uncomfortable. As we explore our core beliefs and starting gate positions, we become better able to recognize when someone is attempting to hook us into unhealthy behavior, and refuse to participate. Learning to have guilty feelings without acting on them is a big part of resisting the Victim game. Feeling guilt does not necessarily imply that we are behaving unethically. Guilt is a learned response. Sometimes guilt indicates that we've broken a dysfunctional family rule. Unhealthy beliefs about ourselves and the world, instilled in childhood, become rigid rules that need to be violated. Family dictums such as: don't talk about it, don't share feelings, or it's selfish to take care of yourself, must be overcome if we are to grow. We can expect, and even celebrate the guilt, when we defy these deeply entrenched family rules.
Getting honest with ourselves and others is a primary way to get off the triangle. Telling our truth is a key way of taking responsibility. We then must be willing to take necessary action for whatever that truth reveals. In order for a Rescuer to get honest, for instance, they have to confess their investment in keeping others dependent. This means acknowledging that being a rescuer fills their need for self-worth. In this way, Rescuers learn to recognize and address their own needs.
It can be threatening for someone stuck in Persecutor consciousness to get bare-bones honest with themselves. To them, to do so feels like blaming themselves, which only intensifies their internal condemnation. Persecutors need to have a situation or person they can blame so they can stay angry. Anger energizes them by acting like the fuel within the psyche that keeps them going. It may be the only way they have of dealing with chronic depression. Persecutors need a jolt of rage the same way some people need a shot of caffeine. It jump-starts their day.
Just as with the other roles, self-accountability is the only way off the victim grid for the Persecutor. There has to be some kind of breakthrough for them to own their part. Unfortunately, because of their great reluctance to do so, it may have to come in the form of a crisis.
Ironically, the doorway off the triangle for all roles is through the persecutor position. This is because when we decide to get off the triangle, we are often seen as persecutors by those still on it. Once we decide to take self-responsibility and tell our truth, those still aboard are likely to accuse us of victimizing them. "How dare you refuse to take care of me," a Victim might cry. Or "What do you mean you don't need my help?" a primary enabler enrages when a victim decides to become accountable. In other words, to escape the victim grid, we must be willing to be perceived as the "bad guy." This doesn't make it so, but we must be willing to sit with the discomfort of being perceived as such.
When you are ready to be accountable, you begin by sorting through your genuine motives and feelings regarding your present situation. You become willing to experience your own uncomfortable feelings and to allow others their uncomfortable feelings without rescue. If your loved ones and associates are also willing to participate in this process of self-realization healthier interactions can be cultivated together, thus diminishing the guilt and shame. However, if you're ready to get off, but they aren't, you may have to draw irrefutable boundaries, or even walk away. Again, this puts you at risk of being perceived as a persecutor.
Since starting-gate Victims are the identified problem in their family, it's natural for them to seek outside professional help. Often, however they are unconsciously looking for another Rescuer, which abound among helping professionals. Those in primary Victim roles must challenge the ingrained belief that they can't do for themselves. If they are to escape the triangle, they have to initiate self-care, rather than look outside themselves for a savior. Instead of seeing themselves as powerless, they must acknowledge their problem solving as well as their leadership capabilities.
In conclusion, we must first become conscious of how we play out the Drama Triangle. Realizing our starting-gate positions is the first step for moving out of destructive behavior patterns. As we liberate ourselves by self-responsibility and truth telling, we transform our lives. In other words, we actualize our Higher Selves, thus realizing the blueprint of possibility that lies within each of us.