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When something is fuelling our need, we will defend it fiercely, and even get upset at anyone who thinks differently or tries to mess with it.
We're in a society where we focus too much on our pain in doing/changing something, when we should be realising the (long term) pain of NOT doing anything. Look at how it makes you feel. Think of all the other people around you that you could possibly be hurting/changing their experience because of this. Look at how quickly you can make yourself angry and bitter if you think about it or focus on it. Now imagine a life where you never ever feel that ever again... If you can't, you're addicted to your pain/meeting your need.
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I'm like you Onyx, can't hold a grudge, I honestly couldn't be bothered - it takes too much energy. At the same though, I don't really let things go as is per se but nut it out until it is sorted - you know the whole don't go to bed still angry.
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I am, or was, a big grudge holder. I was still hanging on the anger about being bullied in high school. Which was years and years ago.
However I recently went to an information session for a kind of "course" I'm planning on going to at the end of the month (It's called Healing Your Life through the Quest For Life Foundation). The lady who was running the session said something about feeling anger towards another person is like drinking a cup of poison and expecting them to get sick from it. They aren't usually affected too much by how you feel, but It's eating away at you the longer you hold on to it. And that if you forgive them, It's not so much for the other person's sake, as much as it is to make you feel better.
That really stuck with me. I've had some issues with my sister where I was really upset with her over a lot of things, but I never told her because I didn't want to upset her. I just kept holding on to anger and I felt like I was going to explode (lucky she lives in the UK now haha). But now I know that It's not my place to be angry at her. I really do love her, I just had held on to the way I felt when she said certain things to me, and couldn't let go of that. But now I have some how managed to forgive her, even if she has no idea! I have also been doing other things to boost my self esteem so that I don't let other peoples opinions get to me and then I won't let myself get so hurt and angry about so much stuff.
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I wouldn't really call it a grudge per se, but I refuse to ever forgive what my father has done. I no longer have any contact with him and believe that the best revenge is to live well and enjoy life.
In everyday life I have made a commitment to deal with issues as they arise assertively rather than bottling everything up. I slip sometimes, some days I have my rant and rave a bit then move on. Holding on to all that emotion is way too stressful and really doesn't help either you or anyone around you.
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Isnt refusing to forgive, a grudge? Even the word revenge; its such a negative energy isn't it? When you think about revenging someone, it doesnt bring you peace or love, it winds you up and makes you feel angry.
In the past it was who we were. Now, we are a result of choices and decisions we made in the past. Who we were is not who we are. We're just living in to outcome of that - the food we ate, the jobs we chose, the grudges we held...
I held some grudges for a long time, until I realised those people I was angry/unhappy with did the best/all they could at the time based on their own state and tools they had. We cant change or undo that, neither can they. We've all done or said crappy things then worried it made us look like a worse person than we really are.
Im totally at peace with my past, and it feels awesome. If anyone is struggling with those things, try and get yourself along to Anthony Robbins seminars (I just did Unleash the Power Within) or his relationship/life DVDs or Byron Katie's or Abraham Hicks' work. If you can get the original copy of The Secret (with Esther Hick - love Abraham Hicks) thats great too. Living with such peace and acceptance of what is, is blissful. Choosing to invest in me and my happiness by following and studying these people was the best thing I ever did, and have grown soooo much as a result.
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I can only hold a grudge if someone has given me a seriously big reason to basically hate them. I don't hate many people, and most of the people I hate are the obvious, war criminals and alike. I have a huge grudge against my old boss from Anaconda, because if she had've been doing her job properly, the last 13months of my life wouldn't have been the daily struggle they have been. I wouldn't have been prescribed medication to deal with stress, and I wouldn't be unemployed.
She cut my hours to 0 or would constantly roster me on days that EVERYBODY knew I couldn't work because it was on the availability sheet in the break room. Then when I'd remind her she would simply remove the shift and not give me any others to replace it. After a while I'd just not go to uni, or whatever else I had on because I needed the money so badly. The other staff felt so bad for me they would give me their hours. Whats more is nobody even knows why, to this day. She has done it to a few people now, about 8 of us, and the only thing the other staff can come up with is that she simply didn't like us. If thats the case, I'm sorry but be and adult and speak to me about it. I used to go out of my way for her, and for my customers, I'd stay back after work and not claim it on my time sheet, I'd drive to other stores to get items customers needed urgently - on my own time and once even on Boxing day of all days! - and never ask for anything in return accept gratitude from the customer, which I always got. I was a damn good employee, no complaints against me, the state manager even came across me in the store one day and told me how impressed he was with how neat and orderly my section was, and how well I was dealing with my customers. She cut my hours until it had been 2 months since I'd last worked. My name wasn't even on the roster anymore. I tried to ask her about it and she avoided me multiple times. When I finally did catch her, she was like "Do you even work here anymore? I thought I made my point clear when I removed you from the roster." That was news to me - I'd been fired and nobody even bothered to tell me. Since then I've had trouble finding a job anywhere. If she hadn't have done that, if she had've talked to me, or just put up with our apparent personal differences, I could have simply transferred to the Townsville store when we moved, and my life wouldn't be the constant struggle it is now. DH and I wouldn't have had to go some nights without dinner, or forgo going to the doctor, or be stuck in the house because we can't afford to put petrol in the car. I'm coming close to thinking she seriously ruined my working life and for what? I don't even know, she wont even speak to me about it.
That's the only grudge I have and I think its justified, I think some grudges are. If she would just help me understand it though, give me some closure - and stop saying bad things about me to other Anaconda employees (or so I've heard) - I know I could let it go. If I had the money I would take her to court, but because of her crippling my income, I can't do that, but whats more I shouldn't have to. I guess some grudges are justified, but the people who follow the guy home who cut them off 2 streets ago, or hate someone because back in year 8 they "stole" some boy from you, thats just silly. If its something that has drastically altered the course of your life, if you were bullied to the point you developed a mental illness for example, I could understand a grudge like that, but even then all one really needs to get over it is closure.
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For me, refusal to forgive someone is not the same thing as holding a grudge. Holding a grudge entails expending the effort to do something about it, holding onto the poison and anger rather than moving on with life. Refusing to forgive however, is to me saying that what he did will never be ok. That he has forfeited his right to have a relationship with me or to play any part in my life.
My father abused me as a child for a number of years, sexually and emotionally. For years I was made to feel stupid, bad, hopeless and worthless. Like it was my fault, or that I asked for it. So for me to say that my revenge is to live well it is more saying I am not going to internalise those messages, I am not going to believe that I am those things. I am going to prove to myself that I am worth something, that I am a good person and deserve to be happy.
I don't believe that anger is necessarily a negative emotion. Poisonous, destructive anger is, but there is also positive anger. Being angry about something and taking definite action to right something that is wrong can be a very positive thing. It can bring massive but necessary change. Finally being able to feel anger at what had happened for me led to being able to finally lay the blame where it belonged, instead of blaming myself and everyone else around me. It led to my saying no, I am not going to sit by and allow him to do this to anyone else.
And now that the criminal case is done with and finished, I can let go of that intense anger. But not forgive.
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For me, it depends on the situation.. and sometimes the person. Like if DH and i have a disagreement, then its forgotten in a second. But someone else.. depends on the situation.. for instance.. my mother.. ive had a few problems with her in the past and gave so many chances.. and the last instance was the last straw kinda thing.. i just cant get past being treated the way shes treated me, even though shes been sucking up my butt since i said something about it. If someone i thought was a friend has said stuff about me behind my back and i find out.. then i think its more of a trust issue. I think im a pretty fair person and give a people a lot of chances... i just think that those people who once did you wrong, will continue to do it if you try to forgive them as theyll know theyve gotten away with it the first time iywkim..
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ShootingStar - I know what you mean about mothers. I have many issues with my mother and I give her chance after chance after chance! I know I should be able to trust my mother and I think thats why I keep giving her chances, but by the same token I find myself becoming harder and harder on her because she is yet to show me that she deserves those chances - and at her age she should just plain know better. I think when its someone in your family that you have a grudge against it can be a deeper grudge because the hurt is probably deeper than it would have been if it was just someone you could cut loose - your family is your family and you're stuck with them as well as the constant reminder of how they hurt you if you catch my drift. Which is why you give them more chances than you would others because you have to live with them constantly being in your life. I think forgiveness comes a lot easier when its family but if there is a grudge or resentment for whatever reason, its often much more severe.
PS - congrats on your new little bundle! :D
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Something I learnt, through a very painful journey, was to release things.
I have, in the past, written down what the issues were, like you've written a letter to the person, but instead of sending/giving it to them, I've burnt the letter and then thrown the ashes into the wind, so they blow away from me, as I did that I visualised releasing those issues with the ashes.
