any suggestions for parenting when one parent has a mental illness

My husband has not been diagnosed as bipolar but is showing all but 2 of the symptoms that are outlined on beyond blue. It's really tough and he's avoiding taking medication for depression prefering to self medicate with dope. Things got worse for us after DD was born. His moods are quite unpredictable, he can be fine one moment and then an hour later be a totally different person. I'm at the point at the moment where it's getting to be too much and I made him go away for a week to visit his family so I could have some time at home without him. We are also considering separation but before that I will try everything and am about to start councelling to help me cope better.

I don't really know what I can say to help you because I'm going through something similar myself and if I could help you then I would have the answers that I want myself. So I will just give you a cyber hug instead because I don't know what else to do.

Sorry its a long one..

Hi Tenar, i'm sorry you're going through a hard time right now :hug:.
I just wanted to share my experience with you.

My mother has mental illness including Bi polar. I lived with my mum untill i was 8 and was then put into numerous foster homes (along with my brother and sister) and then finally into a childrens home (we had been living in filth with mum, not bathed, sharing the house with mice and fleas and pretty much caring for ourslves). My father died of cancer when i was six and although mum was always 'different' i think dads death really contributed to her mental health issues and resulted in a few big mental breakdowns over the years.
I remember realising mum was different at a very young age (maybe 4 or 5) and i noticed people treated us differently. We were always the dirty kids, the ones with the 'crazy' mum (sorry don't mean to offend anyone) and i remember i longed to have a 'normal' mum like the other kids at school. I always felt like i wasn't as good as everyone else and that there was something wrong with me and these thoughts still creep up on me now in adulthood, however the hardest part of my childhood was my teenage years. When i hit 13 i ran away from the childrens home and went back to live with mum. In my mind i thought things would be different and we'd be a proper family. Anyway my teenage years were hell. Mum didn't understand how to raise a teenager and i didn't understand (or want to) her illness. I needed someone to understand me and love me but instead a lot of the time i felt like i was the parent. This in turn led to me going off the tracks and experimenting with boys and alcohol.. not a good mix.
The hardest thing i found was that mum wouldn't acknowledge her illness. She would often tell me i was the one with the mental illness (she even tried to make me take her valium one night to 'calm me down') and to this day i second guess myself and my parenting because of those words.

Anyway having said all that (sorry to ramble) i think it very important that children have a 'rock', someone consistant and strong and in your case that would be you. Please don't think i'm saying that your husband will turn out like my mum because i don't think that at all but what i am saying is that you will need to be the strong parent. I think had dad been around then things would have been very different. I think it is really important for children to have the love of both parents like you said.

One positive from my experience is that i think its made me more accepting of people and level headed as well as more thick skinned which ironically has made me strive to be a better mother. Looking back now i can see how hard it must have been for my mother having 3 kids, no husband and mental health issues. We have a good relationship these days and i actually feel closer to her now than i did growing up..perhaps thats because i'm a mother now too.

Amy- i think you're amazing for taking control of your life and being such a good mummy. I can imagine how hard it must be at times and i think you're truly wonderful .

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Always remember that it is an ILLNESS, he has no control over it. I know that may seem a cop out but it is true. And when you are in the midst of an episode (which is sounds as if he might be to me from what I read) you can not see reason.

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I agree Amy, it took me a long time to come to terms with mums illness and at times i still struggle, At times i didn't know where mum stopped and the illness became IYKWIM.

Tenar, i think its great that you're seeking help and advice. I think you're going to be a great mummy. You sound like a strong woman and thats what your bub and husband need. Knowledge is power and i think if you educate yourself and your bub (when they're old enough) about your DH's illness then things will be a lot easier. I wish that someone helped me to understand mum's illness more growing up ( and also i wish someone helped MUM to understand what its like having a mother with a mental illness) but thats all in the past now.

I think DoubleDee's advice is spot on. Make sure you have lots of support for yourself and your DH. Please don't ever think you're alone, there is always someone to listen and talking things through feels so much better. I also think its a great idea that perhaps your child sees someone when they're older so that they understand why your hubby does things and why he/she may have the feelings they have because of that. I am actually looking into that myself atm.

So sorry for the long post, had to get it all out.

Best wishes for your upcoming birth :)

Can I ask where abouts you live?

I know in our local area in North QLD, there is a group that supports the children of parents with mental illnesses. It is run through Lifeline, so there may be one in your area also.

Youth Workers take the young people out on groups and do invidiual support sessions with them as well to give them strategies for dealing witht heir parent's illness and to help them better understand it.

Obviously bubby will be too young for this for a while yet, but perhaps it is something to keep inmind further down the track. Or even call Lifeline and see what other support services may be available in your area for coping with a mental illness.

Sending you love and support.

Hi Tenar~~
I know you are probably about to have your little one anyday now!! But I wanted to see how things were for you and your husband.

Sending happy and safe birth vibes

Amy