Haven't read replies, just subbing.. Yes I agree.. I'll BBL :)
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Haven't read replies, just subbing.. Yes I agree.. I'll BBL :)
Great thread!
I admit that I am guilty of not wanting to dtd post baby but it was very painful for 9 months afterwards and I think I still expect pain even though there isn't anymore. DP and I did talk about it and agreed that twice a week was a good compromise for me not desiring or initiating that often but also enough to keep him satisfied and happy. I'm still not at the point where I do want to dtd but I do enjoy it when we do and I feel that I will get over it eventually and the more I do it, the more I will want it. I do want to get back to my old "normal" self so until then I will continue to work at it.
Not to mention having energy left to focus on ourselves! I know a lot of the time we feel we are always GIVING to someone else. Giving to our kids, giving to our partner. Sometimes it's OK to actually TAKE. It's ok to be selfish and to want to DTD. It's ok to initiate. It's ok to put your own needs first. I think sometimes, when there is a long gap, or we are tired, it's something to tolerate and get it over and done with as quick as possible, to sate our partner. I am guilty of this big time. But I've also (at DH's insistence) started to become more selfish, and to make it about MY pleasure, MY enjoyment. Not all the time (mostly it's very much a mutual thing lol) but sometimes I will slow things down when DH is keen to progress, so that it's as much about ME as it is him.:
I agree, I often say to my DH that sex is his thing while me (not an affection craving women), needs him to step up. He works alot and that includes travelling OS. So when he is home I need him to help. He has really stepped up since DD2 arrived and I do not really ask much of him as I am highly independant so I am very thankful and I know I need to keep my end of the bargain more. We just have to remind each other every now and then.:
This reminds me of Sex & the City movie, when Miranda doesnt have sex with her DH for 6 months and he goes out and gets it elsewhere...
I make sure we DTD at least once a week, sometimes I have to talk myself into it, but always enjoy it once it gets going.
Been finding it harder now i'm 28 weeks pregnant to get a position that works, but its worth the effort for our relationship
One thing I noticed after we had our first baby was that is has almost become a social norm to not to have sex within the first few months after a baby or if you do get it, then it is a rare occurrence. We had sex about 3 weeks after DS1 was born and then when people found out about it (as it generally happens when people make crass remarks about him 'getting any yet?') and they were truly taken aback that we were back in the saddle so to speak. I think a lot of men are just told to bugger off and there is no doubt that it causes a lot of emotional tension between a couple after a baby and is probably one of the biggest issues post children that a couple deals with. Personally I think it is really important to try to put the effort into sex, or at least some hanky panky LOL so you can retain some of your pre-children identity and not lose yourself as a couple. Because the way I see it, if we don't put the effort in to maintain some sort of sexual relationship, what happens once our kids leave home? I don't want to be one of those couples that split once the last child leaves home, just because you realise once they have gone that you have nothing in common anymore because there is nothing connecting you to each other - and sex is a big part of that connection in my opinion. I totally get that for a lot of couples there are problems after birth that mean that sex is the last thing on their minds, but there are so many other ways to maintain a sexual connection without actual sex and we have to at least try.
i totally agree that it starts in the mind as i often find myself having to talk myself into having sex, and i agree that i dont give it to him as often as i should, but i will start putting out and maybe even initiating it here and there as i no i dont do that nearly as often as i should
Am I allowed to agree even though I am not in the position! My parents have always (slightly cringe haha) had a healthy sex life that I was aware of and have always been very affectionate couple. I grew up understanding that sex is enjoyable in the relationship.
Great thread. I agree that an effort needs to be made on both sides, both in action and in talking.
If I am not really in the mood, or there are things stopping me, then I talk to DH about it. He understands that sometimes we will have a drought. He also understands to help break that drought he needs to sometimes put in a bit more effort around the house. Often I can tell when he is in the mood, as he will be cleaning the kitchen whilst I am reading bedtime stories ;) DH also has a back injury, so has had moments himself where he really is not physically able and I think that helps him understand.
We do often talk about how we both know that whilst what we have is good, it is not our ideal and we both understand that as the girls get older that it will get better. We have already started planning some "us" weekends.
So I certainly think where action is low, that there needs to be a lot of talking in its place. Also if there is real physical discomfort stopping you, then please see your Gyno (been there and know about it).
I haven't bothered reading the replies. All I can say is: Are you freaking serious!>!??!?!
1) Sex where one partner isn't willing isn't my idea of fun.
2) there are hormones in play that change a woman's desire for sex. While breastfeeding, there is usually a hormonal desire to NOT have sex.
3) usually, the men-folk usually aren't the ones getting up all night to feed & settle the baby. I can't remember the last time my husband did. I also know the last time I got 5 hours straight sleep was in November. But I'm meant to satisfy him?!!? What about satisfying me!? I'm the one that had the baby!
I think it is absolutely ABHORRENT that you would suggest that women should spread their legs for ANYONES satisfaction but their own unless they were physically & mentally ready. How is that good for the self esteem? Putting out because you're worried DP will go get it else where, or that your relationship will crumble if he's not satisfied... my god... where is the empowerment in that? Sounds like some women are too insecure to NOT have sex.
If I could get sleep out of a magazine or dvd (or free on some websites) what a man can get to cover his own needs, THEN I'll put out. Until then, my bed is for sleeping.
Yes! I will come back to contribute later (tired and blah) but yes yes yes! I have lost my libido this pregnancy, but for example, today although I was not initially in the mood, I made the effort for DF, and our relationship. It's a way DF feels very close and in love with me, and I him, and after getting over the initial effort it was a fantastic, bonding time :) I find sex very important to a good relationship, making the effort, while at first feels like a bit of a drag, pays off in soooo many more ways than just physically ;)
I think that may come accross a bit offense to the previous posters - which had you actually read their replies, you would have seen that there was nothing insecure about their reasoning.:
I don't think it's about insecurity, Entreat. I think it's about women being fed this idea that they're entitled to 'have it all' - a man who provides for them, cooks, cleans up the house, rubs their bloody feet or back for them after HE'S been at work all day, 'respects' them (ie, is under the thumb and does what he's told, when he's told to) and then has to go whistling for a bit of physical intimacy because she is 'too tired', 'too sore', 'isn't in the mood' or a million other lame excuses for not showing a bit of appreciation for all that her bloke does for her and the kids. I've seen heaps of posts over the years where I've just kind of gone :jawdrop: at the lack of consideration shown to some husbands by their wives.
I can understand that mums are tired. Hormonal. Up all night with a crying baby. Injured during childbirth and less capable of getting back in the saddle straight away, or having emotional difficulty with finding the balance between being a lover and a mother. Heck, I've been there myself and worked through all of those issues and many more.
I still think it's selfish, inconsiderate and greedy of anybody to demand so much from their partner and then withhold what is (to a lot of men) one of the most important aspects of a healthy relationship.
These issues can be worked on and I just get the feeling (of course I'm speaking in generalisations here and not pointing fingers at any particular person or situation, I know everybody's circumstances are different) that a lot of women, somewhere along the way, lose all interest in the *giving* part of the relationship and believe that they are entitled instead to take, take, take - and that they somehow 'deserve' it. I feel that I *do* deserve to have a man who loves, respects, protects and supports me, but I also return the favour... and I take my clothes off for him even if I'm not really in the mood for it because hey, he deserves to feel special, too!
My DH and I have had our rough patches. But the fact is that we have sex probably 5 nights out of 7. Sometimes he wants it and I don't, and I just do it anyway because I know it makes him feel loved, it makes him feel that I'm attracted to him, it gives his ego a boost when he puts in the effort to get me off because it proves to him that he is 'a man' and that I am very happy with him in all aspects. I may not always get right into it but I like the physical closeness with him, touching and smelling and tasting him and being so near to him - I honestly feel that sex is a very important part of keeping our relationship healthy and I have absolutely no doubt that if I were to withhold sex (for no good reason like, 'I'm just not in the mood') for any great period of time, we would probably split up as he DOES have needs and we SHOULD be able to overcome whatever issues we have in order to have a healthy sex life. And if we can't, then there's something very wrong with one or both of us.
So yeah, long story short, I think lots of women take their men and their relationships for granted. Yes, you shouldn't ever have sex with someone unless you want to, but wtf's wrong with you when you don't want to for months and months on end (without a medical reason)? Why do we think we're so special that we can just live our lives and deny our partners the loving intimacy they deserve (and usually have enjoyed up until pregnancy or childbirth) and have no consideration for their feelings, and instead make it all about us and OUR 'needs' (or lack of)? Our blokes are great, too, if all they ask is a bit of nookie a few times a month then it's pretty mean of us to deny him purely because we just can't be bothered...
Wow, Glamour, that's a great post! I too have shook my head in amazement over the past couple of years at the vast lengths of time that some posters have expected their husband to 'go without' for and to suck it up and deal with it...
Here here Glamourcide! :clap:
Sorry, but I cant get past the notion that some people seem to have that men "need" sex and women are asexual beings, begrudgingly opening their legs in the hope of being thrown a few crumbs of affection.
Personally, I need sex as much as my DP.
The old notion - men need sex, women need affection is a load of BS. People are people are people. We ALL need love, sex, affection, intimacy, etc, etc. To say otherwise is to give into anachronistic, misogynist rhetoric from the Victorian era.
n2l
That's really NOT what I was getting at. I am so not victorian era. Men and women both need sex, typically at different levels though. Women can get their fix from affection and typically have a lower libido then men. No lies there, no ancient misogynistic rhetoric.:
And for the record, I didn't imply that women were asexual, just that we are more wired to affection and men more wired to sex.
It ticks me off when I can't simply acknowledge that without being dragged back to the Victorian era. It just is what it is.
I have no problem whatsoever putting out when DH feels like it and I don't. It's because I love doing things for DH that make him feel good, even if I aren't into it initially.