Do you smack??

Skye i am hearing how desperate you are, but think very carefully about what you're proposing. Are you breaking up your marriage?

If things are very tough at home this can feel like a reasonable solution, and it really might be the BEST solution, if you feel the two of you are not working anymore, but you need to be sure of what you're doing and honest about why. If DH moves out to "help things calm down with Jaz" she will grow up, and her siblings will grow up, thinking it is all her fault that mum and dad split up. She'll never be able to cope with that without being terribly hurt and damaged.

Children need to feel they CANNOT break their family. That's what security is. Security says "i am here, no matter what". It doesn't mean you're all laughing together all the time - the toughest times usually happen within families, but it does mean you stick together whatever happens.

I'm a single mum, so i'm not going to tell you that you mustn't end your relationship if it is very unhappy, but please don't even in your mind, make it about Jaz, she's too wee to even grasp that, it's a massive responsibility which isn't hers. Seeing how XP was around DD (she was tiny and he was utterly useless and wouldn't help me with her and was selfish and mean - things which ALL passed but which i left him over long before they did pass) was the straw that broke the camel's back. But i left him because of ME, you know? Because i didn't like what i saw in terms of how capable he was of disregarding me when i was weak, vulnerable. Not because of her.

Perhaps an action plan is required here, so you have something you can SEE you're moving towards. You and DH are the nucleus of your family, and both of you would benefit from counselling - you to destress and strategise, him to work out why his temper is like it is and learn to control it. Then you could both do with marriage counselling, so you can get it together again and be a solid foundation or decide to split and be a solid foundation (the foundation of XP and I is WAY more solid now we don't spend every day fighting). Once you have decided together how you're family will look (i.e. if you stay together or split up) you could try Triple P or similar to get fresh tactics on raising the girls. Overlaying all of that Jaz would probably benefit from talking to someone too.

I feel for you, it must feel like a giant mountain to climb. :hug: But it's worth it hun, it sounds so dark down in that valley. When you get just a little way up the slopes of the foothills, you'll get to see the sunshine more.

Loves

Bx

Skye, I agree with Bec, if YOU are not happy in your relationship, then I would never be anything but supportive of your decision.

BUT, it sounds to me (this is totally how I've read your post, correct me if I'm wrong) that you and your DH have made this decision purely so that you can discipline Jaz more effectively (without your DH interfering). You may find that it's something that works for you. But the effects of this could affect Jaz quite negatively, (and your other children also) making the 'discipline issues even tougher.

Again, I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but I really think you should think this through very carefully, and speak to a professional about it, before going ahead. I'm really worried about the consequences for all of you if it's not carefully planned.

:hug: we're all here for you.

bjrose, this reminds me a bit of a situation where I heard a psychologist tell a family that the child that was acting out the most was the 'squeaky wheel' in the family, but that the problems were with the entire family, and particularly the parents. I hope I'm not barking up the wrong tree, but it sounded like a pretty extreme reaction to have DH move out. If you guys are having problems then it's likely that a sensitive child like Jaz is picking up on this and (unknowingly) acting out in response to the tension.

But if there isn't a serious problem between you and your DH then it's probably only going to shake her world, so I agree with the girls above. Your DH could probably do with some support in learning to deal with his daughter.

Hi guys. Dh & I are NOT seperating. We were never planning on it. We just thought - or I thought it might help if he wasn't around as much, coz he is doing nothing to help at all.

I am trying to get him to come to the psycologist, but he thinks she just needs more 'disipline'. I don't agree. He thinks coz she's like him to do what his mum did. Flog her. I can't. He has smacked her what I think is too hard in the past & I won't let him do it any more - I didn't like it then either - but he thinks thats what she needs.

He hasn't done it for a while. He is trying really hard there. But his unwillingness to come to the psycologist does get to me.

We are supposed to ignore her & everything she does unless there's a chance someone will get hurt. If there is a chance someone will get hurt, ask her very calmy to stop whatever she's doing. If I have to say it 3 times, then put her in time out. It's hard to do. Really hard, but I am trying. DH can't ignore it. He thinks since she knows its wrong - & she usually does - that she should get in to trouble. Not much help.

Perhaps a psychologist is a bit confronting for your DH (kinda like 'you have a problem' when he doesn't think he does). Perhaps Bec's suggestion of a parenting program might be better suited. If you could possibly go along with him (or find him a 'blokes only' class so you don't have to get a babysitter) this would be an easier path. Relationships Australia run these types of courses regularly, I'm not sure if any are near you, but maybe it wouldn't hurt to check their website Relationships Australia — Building Better Relationships. If they don't, try calling them anyway and they may be able to redirect you to another organisation that does so in your area. Uniting Care also runs a lot of these types of courses. Or her school might be able to help you out with contacts.

Not sure if that's any help, but good luck anyway...

Hi there, I know I am weighing in late Skye but have been following along.
I really think a positive parenting program would really help.
I am just wondering where you got the 'ignore everything she does' advice.
Children need attention and guidance through all of the things they try - whether we think the behaviour is 'good' or 'bad'. They are really just testing and learning about their environment and everything they come across.
A PPP program is less confronting then going to a psychologist. But I definitely think you need some good, logical and positive guidance by someone who can help with your particular situation.
Good luck!

The ignoring is for when she's doing something wrong. We are supposed to do it for three weeks til we have a video conference with the head of psycology at Westmead to see if she's got ODD. She still needs positive attention, but right now we think she might be doing the wrong thing coz she wants our attention & that's the only way she can guarantee she's going to get it. By doing the wrong thing.
So more positive & no negative at all. It feels like mission impossible, but I'm trying really hard. Not really succeeding yet, but trying.

Skye - would just like to jump in and say good on you for putting so much effort into sorting this out. *hugs*

I'm a little confused about the ignoring bit. I would have thought no negative would just mean not giving a reaction to the behaviour. Still dealing with it but not giving a reaction or the attention that it's seeking. I dunno, maybe that's easier said than done. But the term ignore has quite a cold, isolating, feel to it, which imo wouldn't be a nice feeling for her. Perhaps I'm misunderstanding what you've been told to do. ?

I thought that too, but the psycologist said to just ignore it.I dunno. I'm trying my best.

:hug: Hugs Skye. With the smacking thing, could you perhaps try and get through to your dh by saying that yeah, maybe he was smacked but each child needs different discipline and what was appropriate for him (whether it was or wasn't doesn't matter for the sake of this argument) won't necessarily be appropriate for her - and in fact, because she's a girl, she might respond better to a chat and attention (what girl doesn't like attention? In fact, what kid doesn't like attention from their parents?).

The moment I heard her kitten was gone (poor lass), I thought - can your dh take her to look for a new kitten? I think that might speak volumes to her - that he's seen her distress, that he cares that she's sad, that he's happy to spend his time just on her to try to make her feel better.

(Also, if he agrees to try make an effort with her, maybe a chat to her wouldn't be a bad idea - like, dad can be a bit awkward with his love because of how he was brought up, but he's really going to try, just letting you know so you can be patient with him? If you don't think that will be too much for her.)

Anyway, all the best again working things out. :) (And remember what worked, because I'm sure I'll be back for advice when my kiddies get older. :P)