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:yeahthat: although I think if it had been clearer in her actions that she did love me, I wouldn't have doubted it just because she never came out and said it. The fact that her actions were pretty equivocal combined with her never saying it meant that I was never sure that she loved me.:
My mum never said it to me, and it did make me wonder if she actually did love me
Some people are just not verbally expressive in that way and so as people have said it's not a natural reaction to say 'I love you' verbally. There are a thousand ways to say 'I love you' though! And just because it is not verballised doesn't mean it's not true.
I was told 'I love you' alot as a kid. Mostly by mum, usually every day. Mum says it's because her parents rarely ever verballised it to her and she wanted to make sure we knew she loves us by telling us. Even one of my brothers tells me he loves me often.
I say it more than once a day....many, many times a day actually! My kids will probably get sick of hearing me tell me I love them! I am a very affectionate person to those who are close to me though. I also tell others I love dearly that I love them. My DH gets told several times a day too. I tell mum when I see her, or when saying goodbye on the phone. And dad when I talk on the phone to him and when I see him, though that's not often. My nana, neice and nephew.....
TBH i don't recall my parents saying " i love you" but i do recall a lot of the bad things they have said :dunno: DH rarely says "i love you" and usually only says it after i do first.
i am the sort of person who needs to hear the words so i tell dd i love her all the time. i have never heard dh say it to her.
Aww Sterla please don't feel that he won't know you love him unless you tell him!!! You are a wonderful mother, and you can tell by looking at you two that you are both devoted to each other - he loves you so very much, you can tell in his eyes - and same with you!!!
I don't tell my kids that I don't love them, but I do show it to them. I tell them in different ways, I tell DS he's my special big boy.. and the other day he told DH that I was his best friend. Do you think he would say that if he felt that I didn't love him? To me, saying it all the time sort of renders it as just "words without meaning". DH used to tell me when we first got together, and it became sort of part of a routine to tell each other at certain times, and I began hating it! It certainly didn't make me feel loved, it made me feel, oh yeah its this time - gotta say say it! like it was something that we did cos we had set the precedent, or because it was expected of us, not because we actually meant it.
I'm sure I will tell my kids a time that it will have far more meaning than for them to hear it a few times a day - and they will treasure it even more because it is a rarity for them to hear it.
We all do things in our own way (and this is my strange way of parenting I suppose!) but we all love our kids, and our kids have no reason to doubt any of us loving them. We don't beat the crap outta them, we don't lock them out with the dogs of a night time (although I can't say I haven't been tempted with DS) and we give them loads of cuddles and kisses. If that doesn't say "I love you" - I dunno what does!! :D
Try not to worry :hug: If you feel awkward saying it, it will come out as being awkward and sorta "fake" - and he'll pick up more on that, than listening to the actual words being said.
:hug:
My mum used to say it all the time and she never backed it up with actions, so even I would question (as a child) if she was just saying it or did actually mean it.
Mel - your kids know how much you love them :)
I say it WHEN I mean it, I say it to my friends all the time, because I mean it!!!!! I say it to my family - a lot of the time it is a throw-away comment because they expect it from me, but over the last year or so, I've stopped saying it for the heck of saying it.
I am an open and honest person and i say it a lot and i absolutely mean it when i say it. But like it has been mentioned it is possible to show someone you love them in many ways and i'm sure all are very significant to each individual :)
there was a comment earlier about ending calls with "i love you" and it seeming like habit, rather than meaning it. i don't know how it is for the people in question, but DH and I NEVER end a phone call without saying it. if the call drops out, we'll call back. both of us have, in the past few years, lost people we care about without having a chance to let them know how much - so we DO say it every call, and we mean it then as we mean it every other time we say it. if he's being a turd, i tell him so - i tell him he's annoying the crap out of me but it doesn't stop me loving him! with DH's work being what it was (and is) he was in a higher risk role - and the last thing i'd want to face if anything happened to him was that my last words to him were something generic and meaningless. i DO mean it everytime i say it! i just don't want anyone to think that because you say it every time a certain situation arises (like a phone call ending) that it is any less meaningful. it really does come down to how you personally express your emotions (i think the languages of love was mentioned by another poster - and Kelly has posted about it in the past). for us, verballising was essential as half our relationship was carried out over the phone.
when DD woke me up this morning after DH took her so i could sleep, he put her on the bed and said "wake up mummy, we love you and want to spend time with you" - i rolled over and was instantly kissed by my poppet and got a big smile. was beautiful!
My parents weren't verbalisers, which was never an issue for me, I've always felt the love & been secure in the knowledge. Having said that, I say it all the time to DS, and quite a bit to DH. Firstly because I really mean it, and it makes me feel good to say it to them both, but also because I'm conscious of raising a boy who's comfortable with hearing & saying it (when it's appropriate for him). I guess I'm trying to make him not emotionally stunted if that makes sense. For some reason I feel that with boys it's often harder to acknowledge emotional needs, and whilst I still have control & input into his development, I'm doing everything I can to give him the best that I can (IMO), with the hope that it pays long term dividends. I'm also teaching him cooking things - my future DIL is going to love me ;)
Yep, same here BG. I always say it if someone I love is leaving, or at the end of a phone call. I'm emotional I guess but I have a very "If tomorrow never comes" attitude. For me, showing the people I love that I love them is saying I love you. Saying it more doesn't make it meaningless, it just means that I like to say "I love you" to the people I love. I do lots of things to show love, but I also like telling them too.
Double post
That about sums up what I was thinking and what lead me to start this thread :).:
:yeahthat::
I say it alot to my kids and DH. I don't mean it any less because I say it at routine time of the day like bedtime or when I am bfing DS. Just because I say it every day at that time, doesn't meke it mean less. I also say it spontaneously through the day when I think of it. I say it alot! And I also show love in other ways too, like doing things for others, buying a gift for mum when I see things she'd like, making dinners DH like but I don't really enjoy, massaging my kids some nights.....there's alot of ways to say I love you.
I hope nobody gets the impression that I was saying that if you say it a lot it is meaningless - cos I was just meaning in my life it felt like that - so I hope nobody took it that way from my post.:
Everyone experiences with those three little words are just so different aren't they? What's important and meaningful for someone, is completely irrelevant for someone else.
Sterla - I'm sure the way you love your family is just fine and most importantly, just you. :D :hug:
Don't worry Mel, I know what you mean.
All this stuff - how much we say it, how we say, if we say it - it's all such a personal and individual thing.
Lol Epacris, we just wrote basically the same thing :).
:lol: We're just too cool! :cool:
Nah, it wasn't you that got me to reply again Mel!
thinking back, i think it was fionas who said about her DH and DSD saying it on every phone call - given their relationship for long periods of time was over the phone with her living o/s, it makes sense that they've developed ways of expressing their love verbally over the phone. yup, it might be a bit of a habit now, but it's no less meaningful i'm sure.
i think as long as your love for your children is obvious to them, and you are able to help them express their emotions as well, the form that it takes doesn't matter!!
No I get what you mean Mel, it's really all individual. For me saying it less wouldn't give it more meaning or make it more special, but again thats just me. Sterla, I think you don't need to overthink it. I like how you said that even though your parents weren't "I love you" kind of people, you always knew that they loved you. Thats what important, and I don't think your DS is missing out as long as he knows you love him like you know your parents love you. I don't think you have to start saying it all the time, I think you just do what you do and it'll mean more. Don't just say it for the sake of saying it, it'll come out awkward and forced and thats what he'll remember ykim? Just be you and love him in the way only you can :hug:
I'm another one who was never told by their parents "I love you"... it is only since my Dad's stroke that he has started to say it when he speaks to me. But Dad is a Military Man and it just wasn't the done thing in his time :dunno: My Mum... I dunno... she'd say it to my siblings but never me.
I make it a point to tell Abbey I love her whenever I can. Especially when I'm cross with her. "Abbey, I love you but right now Mummy is very cross with you". And she verbalises it back to me. Sometimes we "argue" over who loves each other more :rofl: "Love you Abbey" "Love you more Mum!" "No, I love YOU more Abbey!" and so on and so on...
I tell DD it alll the time as does DH, especially before bed and getting up, picking her up, dropping her off at daycare and thoughout the day when I can. I say it because I love her to death, I want her to know that she is deeply loved and cared for, and I am not at all saying that those of you who don't, don't unconditionally love your child/ren. I feel that by saying it for me it verbally affirms that I love my daughter with all that I am and all that I have.
I can't wat for the day when she can tell me that she loves me.
Why I say it is based on my history...
I wasn't told it much, my mum mostly just says it on the phone at the end of the conversation "love to all", and occasionally she says "you that I love you don't you". But my mum has always been there for me and I KNOW that she loves me very much, just isn't as affectionate - like we aren't a hug/kiss family.
I never felt it was real when my biological Dad when he said it, sorry "Dad" but I can't feel that you love me when you wanted me terminated :spit:....... That you continues to retain a closer relations ship with my older brother and sister and that you didn't give a crap about me for 7 years, by making no contact at all for birthdays and christmas, or any other time of the year.
But... my Step dad, I can't remember him saying it, although I KNOW that he does, and I KNOW that he would do anything for me, he has always been there for me, and it took me a long time to trust and accept that he wasn't going to **** off and leave us high and dry. I would do anything for my SD, he is 'da bomb' :D
So even though I haven't been told it a lot, I want my daughter to hear it with strength and conviction that we do you her and we want her to be able to say it, feel it and believe it. There is saying I lvoe you and really meaning it, I think those two things are quite different, my "dad" says it, but I don't believe him and I probably never will.
I was never told as a child either, and as a result I have trouble saying it to DH. However, I started telling the boys all the time that I love them, and now I can do it easily as it's something I've gotten used to.
I think it's all about your comfort level. If it doesn't feel right, then I don't think you need to say it. You will be showing your kids that you love them in so many other ways. There are always going to be people who say it and people who don't.
i am the same i can easily say " i love you " to the kids all day but when it comes to DH i stutter , even though i love him just as much as i love my kids its still hard .:
DS tells us he loves us all the time , kisses us alot . I want our kids to grow up knowing that we love them , making it easier for them to open up .
so much of my childhood was me feeling unsure weather i was loved or never felt comfortable enough to talk to family as i was never really told " i love you " often i said it to my mum and dad alot , just to hear it back from them , but with all that went on in childhood , i never really knew weather to believe it or not when they said it back to me .
for me , i want my kids to be happy and confident , and not feel like me growing up .