thread: How do you manage to DTD?

  1. #1
    2014 BellyBelly RAK Recipient.

    Feb 2012
    Melbourne , Victoria

    How do you manage to DTD?

    Possible TMI ahead.

    DP and I are struggling to find the time/ space for special cuddles. We both want to at times but its usually interrupted by DD (16 1/2 months old) waking and I can't DTD when she's awake- it's just too hard to wear those 2 hats at the same time.
    At other times he's interested and I'm not and sometimes it's vise versa.
    I often feel drained- partly side effects from antidepressant medication and from exhaustion from work and just being a very present gentle parent. I'm also struggling with often not wanting a lot of touch. Pre birth I was very touchy feely and I'm struggling to make sense of the radical change and the guilt and sometimes shame I feel at the change.
    On the weekend DP and I both have a morning each to sleep in while the other looks after DD.
    DP wants more time alone with me and I do too and he's comfortable with paying a babysitter to look after DD but I'm not. I don't want to do that to DD- leave her with a stranger so family is our only option as my BFF is heavily pg and unwell.

    So how do you organise yourselves to DTD?
    Do you or have you felt the same or similar as me? ( to be honest I feel like a bit of a freak)
    Can you DTD with a child awake?
    Do you like touch less after birth?
    I'd love some ideas and reassurance please.

  2. #2
    Registered User

    Dec 2007
    Sunny Qld

    Re: How do you manage to DTD?

    We dtd when all the kids are asleep (unless I fall asleep beforehand and that's pretty common LOL)

    Dd3 wakes up around midnight and comes into our bed, so that ends any action because she sleeps basically on top of me most nights.

    The only time we dtd when the kids are awake is when ds2 is chatting in his cot before he falls asleep and thats it LOL

    We do have 5 kids though so its a bit harder I guess! I was less touchy feely when I was breastfeeding - I'm not now so that over touched feeling has gone away

  3. #3
    2013 BellyBelly RAK Recipient.

    Apr 2009

    Re: How do you manage to DTD?

    DTD for me is very high on the priority list for me. When its not happening for me other issues start to come up in our marriage.

    We have 3 children ranging in age from 2years to 13. The 13 year old is the hardest as at her age she would suspect whats going on if we are by ourselves for 2 long.

    Ways for us to get one in so to speak is to be spontaneous. The planned ones half the time go out the window as you don't always know who will be having a tantrum, not asleep, fighting etc. If we wait until they are all in bed asleep we can be too tired to be bothered.

    I don't have a problem DTD with our sleeping 2yr old in our bedroom or awake if in another part of the house. We will often sneak one in once we are both home from work. The kids will be eating afternoon tea for example or watching a DVD together. Luckily our house is very large (4 living areas, 5bedrooms etc)

    Yes I was less touchy after birth and for a long time afterwards. That's mainly because I was self conscious about my body. BF also knocks my libido considerable as does any form of contraception. I have not been on contraception for over 6 years now and its great for boosting the libido. I find if the desire both mentally and physically is there you make it a priority and are a little more adventurous. Times when the desire for me is gone (such as when BF) its much more difficult and it feels like an effort to DTD.

  4. #4
    BellyBelly Life Subscriber

    Aug 2009

    Re: How do you manage to DTD?

    DTD is important to me/us. Even if I'm feeling tired, I enjoy the closeness so I'm willing to delay sleep for a little.

    Sometimes we DTD while the kids sleep during the day. We like routines for them, so they are both asleep from 1-3pm.

    Sometimes we do it once the boys are both in bed - after 7pm. Neither of them sleep in our bed or our room, so no issue there.

    DS2 has a dreamfeed at 10:30pm which DH does while I go to bed. Sometimes he comes to bed at 11 and wakes me. About 70% of the time I'm keen otherwise I just turn away. Lol

  5. #5
    2014 BellyBelly RAK Recipient.

    Mar 2010

    Re: How do you manage to DTD?

    We have four kids and we have to consciously make time to be intimate. This is very important in our relationship.
    Usually the best time for us is pretty much as soon as all the children are in bed. Having a 12 year old who goes to sleep at 8.30, we usually lock the door as soon as her light is turned off. This means talking about it that day and choosing to be with each other and not watch movies or play on computers, otherwise time gets away and I am usually pretty tired if I stay up too late. Sometimes we both wake up super early before anyone wakes up around 5.30, I feel less tired and it's a great way to start the day!!!

    THe touching thing can change for me, sometimes my energy is low, especially if the children have been quite needy. I tell hubby I am feeling like that and he knows he needs to just give give give and not have expectations, this usually fills me up with energy and then I have something to give back... its hard to explain that in words... but when he is wanting and needy as well I feel more drained and less likely to have anything loving to give. He doesn't take it personally, he knows that mothering is physically demanding and I adore taht he can see that and be really understanding.

    Recently my libido has come back in full force (youngest 9mths old) I think it has something to do with my cycle starting up again. I am enjoying having it back again!!!

    If you and your partner can have a chat about how you both feel and really listen to the other without taking anything personally that wwould open up a place for you to work out what would work in your house.

    Your daughter won't be missing out if you pay a babysitter... parents that love each other and find time to connect, how could she be missing out, if you both flourish as individuals and a couple because you made time to be intimate??

  6. #6
    BellyBelly Life Subscriber

    Jan 2006

    Re: How do you manage to DTD?

    until DD was about 2, it was very infrequent for all the same reasons you described.
    How do you feel about not having sex so much? does it bother you?

  7. #7
    BellyBelly Member

    Sep 2012
    Sydney, NSW

    Re: How do you manage to DTD?

    We had dramas in this department after our boy was born. I guess I was a bit boring and we needed to get more adventurous rather than just not doing It when bub was asleep in our bed. Now we just take it out of the bedroom to somewhere else in the house. Or take bub for a walk in the pram till he's asleep, park it in the house, then go for a shower together. We have been guilty of putting him in the walker a couple of times and letting him loose in the hallway of a morning. On average we do it twice a week.
    These work for us now while he's not mobile though so we may have to find another way soon! I'm still over being touched most of the time 7months pp. I think that's normal. Being able to openly discuss it with each other is important.

  8. #8
    Registered User

    Oct 2006
    In a house, on a hill with a big fat welcome mat!

    Re: How do you manage to DTD?

    We don't do it much either. I'm also not that keen to be touched. It's not just a sexual thing, I actually get annoyed when the cat sits on me too!
    We have acknowledged we are both tired. My DH keeps making weird faces in recalling the vision of me birthing our DD. I think in hindsight it would have been better to blindfold him....
    Anyway, keep talking to your DH about how your feeling. It's little steps and no pressure by either of you, around what your needs are and how to meet them.
    I think the pressure of scheduling DTD doesn't work and while it's harder to be spontaneous sometimes the "we really want to but can't" adds to the spark if it's flicking low.

  9. #9
    BellyBelly Member

    Jul 2005

    Re: How do you manage to DTD?

    Can be tricky, but we try downstairs once all the kids are upstairs in bed asleep at night (DD3 is in our room, although doesn't start the night in our bed now so frees it up for a while). Having to be a bit more spontaneous and creative can be exciting too!

    I don't mind touching, despite bfing two, but I do find my bbs are no longer a pleasure zone for me.

    Honestly, I go by the old Nike slogan: Just do it. It's an important part of our relationship, even though the frequency def diminished over time! We are almost 14 1/2 years into our relationship and I think it matters that we each put effort into physical intimacy. There are plenty of times when it's waned in the past, mostly coinciding with relationship issues, and I'm glad we've come back from that.

  10. #10
    2014 BellyBelly RAK Recipient.

    Feb 2012
    Melbourne , Victoria

    Re: How do you manage to DTD?

    Mmm... The not wanting to be touched is making more sense now. When I'm well rested and happy I like to be touched so its never consistent or predictable for DP and I about when its ok or not ok.
    Keep the ideas coming please, it's great to learn from everyone's experiences.

  11. #11
    Platinum Subscriber

    Apr 2010
    coastside, Vic

    Re: How do you manage to DTD?

    We basically rarely do it, maybe once a month if we are lucky.

    I only feel like any form of intimacy a few days a month ( pre ovulation time) otherwise I am the same as Joeve- can't even bare the cat near me.

    We also still have residual issues from ttc for so long, DH resented the ' we have to have sex now' scenarios and I have posted before on his low libido. So I think things are still not happening for us.

    A few other issues ( as if we need more) are that DH 'prefers' morning action even though I have told him beggars can't be choosers, most of the time DD is present in bed or we are in the spare room, we have done it once or twice while she was asleep beside us. The to thing I think has a bearing is our age- I'm tired from big feeds and we both really like reading before going to sleep!!!!!!

    So I don't have any answers, but you are definitely not a freak. Every couple has to do what works for them and in lieu of actual sex I just force myself to cuddle/ hold hands/kiss DH even if I don't feel like it as that gives him the intimacy he needs a lot of the time ( he's much more naturally affectionate than I am).

    I'm just grateful we aren't trying to conceive still!

  12. #12
    BellyBelly Member

    Jan 2009
    Central Coast

    Re: How do you manage to DTD?

    At the moment we hardly do it. I feel like a freak too but for a different reason..seems as though I am always up for it but DP isnt. I feel like that level of intimacy is important, but not everything in a relationship and most of the time DP is too tired or wants to do it during the day which is very hard with a 4yo! And if I go too long without it, I end up being angry and basically a hard person to live with
    After the birth of my son I wasnt really up for being touched either, too a long time for me to heal up after ds birth! Seems normal

  13. #13
    Registered User

    Jun 2010
    Tiny Town

    Re: How do you manage to DTD?

    It's pretty rare in our house at the moment. We've had our longest drought yet due to sleep issues with DS, me having feeding issues and very very sore nipples, sickness, etc etc. All that was understandable, but it does seem to take a toll when you're not getting that level of intimacy. So last night we found a window and took a shower together. It's not the way we'd prefer but we take the something is better than nothing approach!

    Even in 'normal' times though, I'm not up for it much. We can go a long time without before I realise just how long it's been, and usually what makes me realise is that our relationship changed slightly, we don't have that closeness and I can sense that DH wants it but doesn't want to pressure. I have an issue with too much touch - I have someone on me all day - so I'm usually happy to fall into bed at the end of the day and try to get as much sleep as possible before DS is awake again.

    So, I guess I just wanted to say you're not alone!

    To actually do it though, as soon as the kids are asleep is best for us. Neither of us are comfortable it while they're awake - DD would come looking for us and I'd just be worrying about what she's doing. We go to other rooms if the bedroom isn't suitable. Sometimes planning for it works, because I need to get in the mood, other times the plans fall through because of kids or sickness or whatever.

    I find the best ones are actually when I prepare for it mentally myself, get myself right in the mood and then just jump him when the time is right lol.

  14. #14
    2014 BellyBelly RAK Recipient.

    Feb 2012
    Melbourne , Victoria

    Re: How do you manage to DTD?

    Thanks everyone. I'm researching and exploring the use of breathing techniques like the ones i learnt in calm birth to sit with the feelings on not wanting to be touched. It seems to help if I give myself 5 minutes of breathing through it and then I feel more grounded and open to touch. I also think about receiving as D P touches me. Even if its just him rubbing my back.
    Oh and we managed to DTD this morning.

  15. #15
    BellyBelly Member

    Sep 2009

    Re: How do you manage to DTD?

    I can totally understand the 'not wanting to be touched'.

    Best advice I have - is communicate!!! I found that explaining to DH that I need space allowed him to not take my distance personally. I also let him know that I love affection without sex in between (so that I don't get the feeling his 'amorous' moments are because he wants sex)

    Now DH will give me a back rub and more often than not, that bit of touch is enough to get it started (must be the oxytocin).

    Timing wise, our kids have always had a solid bedtime of 7.30pm. So if it's been a few days between DTD we will head to bed early(ish) (9.30pm or so) so we are guaranteed zero interruption. This also makes sure any middle of the night visitors don't interrupt us. There is no way I could DTD knowing either of the kids are awake themselves.

    We make it an effort to watch a movie together on a Friday night and I love cuddles then (I'm not the most affectionate person if it's constant - I like to feel like I have my space) - we make an effort to at least try to DTD twice per week but are careful not to plan ahead (this always falls flat)

    I wouldn't put too much pressure on yourselves - it is totally normal. I know when I was BF'ing I HATED having my breasts touched sexually. I made it very clear to DH and he had to respect it - because it was an instant turn off if he tried. That said, I did respect he is a boobs man so I gave boundaries I could handle. Communication - I can't stress this enough!!!