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Thread: Struggling with our family being finished.

  1. #1

    Join Date
    Feb 2009
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    N.S.W.
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    73

    Default Struggling with our family being finished.

    I know it's very early days and things might change but I want to be able to enjoy my daughter (19 days old) without this constantly and often unexpectedly popping into my head.
    My husband and I both feel like this is the end of our family, it just seems right, like everything has come full circle beginning to end.
    The problem is no matter how right it feels it is tearing me apart an even getting to hubby a little. I feel like I might be addicted to being pregnant.
    In the last 6yrs I've been pregnant 5 times to 6 little babies (only 3 survived), I've travelled 12hr round trips interstate to see doctors, fertility specialists. For all the anxiety and heartbreaking lows it has been my entire life for so long and let me feel such love and value.
    How do you let go of that and move on to the unknown?
    How do you break this "addiction" when people so close to me are pregnant?



    The other thing I'm struggling with is that my SIL is pregnant pretty much the same age as I was for the first time. It's hard knowing that people will she her as the young mum that I was. But that because my first 3 babies died even though one was stillborn, people don't see that. They just see a person that chose to wait and have kids later and only has 3 kids.
    I'm not even sure this makes sense, I feel like I'm going crazy and just want to make peace with this so I can properly appreciate my girls.
    Any help would be most appreciated, TIA.

  2. #2

    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Location
    Gold Coast
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    2,638

    Default Re: Struggling with our family being finished.

    Subbing we only have 2 I want more but dh is done so by default were done

  3. #3

    Default Re: Struggling with our family being finished.

    Going to sound harsh, but the only thing that keeps me sane is focussing on the gorgeous child I have, not what others have. We have different lives, different choices, different struggles and different outcomes. Eyes on your own plate sort of thing. Celebrate what you have, not what you don't.

    That and telling the smuggies with their large families where to go when the condesend to me that Liebs must be awful or lonely.

  4. #4

    Default Re: Struggling with our family being finished.

    KAM I don't know if this helps but I've not long had dd3 (she's 3months old). She was planned to be our last baby, but for the first couple of weeks after she arrived I found myself thinking: she can't be our last. She's so cute, how can it be there'll be no more? I have also spent 6 years in the pregnancy stage of life including a couple of miscarriages and some medical issues where for a while I wondered if dd1 was going to be an only child. We were very lucky and managed to have dd2 and then dd3. Now, a couple more months down the track from dd3's birth I'm feeling more settled. I remind myself of the anxiety of being pregnant and not knowing if it will work out. I tell myself I have to finish with this stage of life some time and now is a good time for us for a number of reasons. I'm trying to focus on the things I'll get to enjoy with my dd's as they get past the baby stage. All the best to you. It is a hard change to go from years of 'trying' to being 'done'.

  5. #5

    Join Date
    Feb 2006
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    NSW Central Coast
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    5,301

    Default Re: Struggling with our family being finished.

    For us, DH only wanted 2 kids. I have always really wanted 4. DH and I talked and we decided to have another after #2. But after having #3, DH didn't want more kids, very adamantly did.not.want.more! I could have had another very easily. I have struggled with it so much the past few years (DS2 is 3 now).

    But there was no other option. It's not like I could have another child and just look after it myself, while he went on with the other 3, lol. We had discussions about it and it was just a thing I had to compromise on, like he compromised on having #3. I had to accept it and work on letting it go. It has only really been the last 6 ish months I have really let go of that feeling of needing to have another baby. My 4 best friends have had babies in the last year. My SIL has an 8 week old and 14 month old. There are pregnant women, breastfeeding mumma's and tiny new babies all around me! It's really tough to let go. But I am getting there.

    I think I have managed to get there now that DS2 is getting bigger. Life is much easier now without a baby. We got rid of all of our baby things. Our car is too small for another person. Our house is too small for another. I really don't want to go back to work full time, so we couldn't really afford to have more (ie, bigger car/house/school expenses/other child-related expenses). We could do it, we could afford it, but we would be sacrificing a fair bit of what we want. I also have difficulty with my back in pregnancy, which would really make life hard with dealing with our bigger kids (school drop offs, and general mummy-ing stuff) if I were pg again. Plus I have had difficulty after birth with PND/anxiety, which I now feel is all behind me now.

    It's a really tough decision for some people, I still toy with the idea of another baby, but know it will never happen. Other women just know, they feel like they're finished after they have their last baby, but I never have. For me it had to be a decision of the head, not the heart.

  6. #6

    Join Date
    Aug 2008
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    Ouiinslano
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    5,303

    Default Re: Struggling with our family being finished.

    I'm in the same space. We always said two. I LOVE having two. We have a great life, and we can do so much with just the four of us. In a lot of circumstances I think yes, want one more, can manage one more. But then in others I just find it so easy with two, and our possibilities seem bigger. So I'm firmly on the fence - love what I've got, but kind of want more of it!

  7. #7

    Join Date
    Feb 2009
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    N.S.W.
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    73

    Default Re: Struggling with our family being finished.

    Thanks for the replies, I could relate to so much that was said especially by possum magic and it helps to know I'm not the only one finding this hard.
    I know the advice about trying to focus on what I have and appreciate the girls is good advise, it's just easier said than done. Mostly these feeling have obvious triggers like seeing a pregnant person but sometimes it seems the happier and more in the moment I am the more I'm caught off guard by the same feelings. And I'm not really jealous of my SIL for being a young mum, I was a young mum, more that it hurts that I'm not recognised in the same way simply because my baby didn't survive.
    Another part of the problem is that fighting to have a family has been everything for so long that I don't know what I am without it, I feel completely lost like I'm nothing if I'm not working on my family.
    Not to mention that no matter how much I try to focus on, appreciate and savor my babies, they are growing up so fast, too fast. For all the anxiety and heartache, I loved being pregnant and we never had a set number so it's really hard moving on knowing I will never experience the things that made me feel so special when it seems like there is nothing to look forward to but the mundane and repetitive life of a stay at home mum. A stay at home mum that is replaceable, when your pregnant you can't be replaced the baby has you or nothing but now anyone can look after the kids so what's the point of me, I'm nothing.
    I feel like I've used up all my life milestones and have nothing left.
    I hope that time and trying to focus on my family can help.
    Thanks for reading, I know this post is all over place but this is what it's like in my head at the moment and why I'm having so much trouble, I'm pretty sure I think too much.

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