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Thread: How do I loose the Guilt?

  1. #1

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    Default How do I loose the Guilt?

    I am having a VERY hard time coming to terms that I can no longer BF. I have expressed, used a shield and tried all the tricks but I just do not have enough to support my ever growing 6 week old.

    I have been giving him formula and he get the EBM at the o/night feeds but even now thats not enough.

    Please tell me how you all delt with this if you have been in a similar situation
    TIA


  2. #2

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    oh sweety, i have no advice, just support for you, sending you heaps of hugs lovely xoxox

  3. #3

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    I ended up going to speak to a counsellor. I actually was diagnosed with suffering from anxiety after deciding not to continue to bf. I think all up it took me until my DD was about 4 months old before I felt a better about my (well, mine & DH) decision to fully FF.

  4. #4

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    I haven't been where you are hun, but I think you're doing the very best you can for your little man Please don't feel guilty, you've done everything you can and sometimes it just doesn't work out.

  5. #5

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    I've been in a similar situation.
    DD was in hospital for 6 1/2 weeks and I expressed for 7 weeks.
    I too used a shield for a week.
    My milk just disappeared and I had to give her formula.

    I felt like an utter failure but now I realise that formula is best for DD. I couldn't keep starving her and forcing her breast feed.

    I feel your pain, honey.

  6. #6

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    Hi Kylz,

    First up, I'm sorry your BF journey is ending before you're ready for it. I was there with my first son, and it's heart-wrenching. The guilt took a long, long time for me to lose, and I think I've only just lost it now, after Pip was 3 1/2.

    Here are few things that worked for me:
    1. You gave BM during those first vital weeks of life.
    2. You have done everything you can at this point.
    3. Your little man may still take comfort from being on your breast - even though I had nothing after about 6 weeks as well, Pip would still attach when he was distressed and it would calm him down, that closeness to me, more than anything else.

    As your little man grows and thrives, then you'll know in your heart that you've done the best for him, as you are aware in your head.
    When you go to any mothers groups the MCHN may organise, be aware that the ladies there may interrogate you. I did get a lot of dissapproving looks etc, but out of those 10 ladies, only 1 is still BFing and she was the only one who also went past 1 year.

    Some positives - you can have a night off! Your DH can look after Master H one night a week and enjoy that bonding. Plus you won't be leaking! No horrid full breasts to worry about, rockmelons that everyone whinges about. (trust me, I've got them sorta now, and although I enjoy simply having that sensation, they are so uncomfortable!)

    Just in case, have you tried a private LC? They may be able to help you even at this late stage.

    and all the best with your little man.

  7. #7

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    Don't feel guilty.

    Guilt is what you should feel if you did not provide your little one with any nourishment at all. You are providing food, love and care to your baby. All the things he needs to grow strong and healthy.

    The fact is many women throughout history have been unable to breastfeed. For whatever reason. That's part of the reason why the use of wet nurses was commonplace before formula came along.

    I say well done for putting all your efforts into trying breastfeeding and then, making a difficult choice to do what is best for you and your little one.

    Please don't beat yourself up over this. The fact that you have agonised over this decision tells me your little boy is very lucky to have you as a mum.

    Take care x

    n2l

    PS The exact same thing happened to me and let me tell you my DD is as healthy and happy as can be nine years later.

  8. #8

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    Try not to feel guilty. I wracked myself with guilt when I ended up putting both my boys on formula. But you know what it was the best decision for me and them at the time and they are both healthy, happy, thriving boys.

    Now with dd and her tongue tie and latching problems and poor suck I am facing my hardest battle yet with breastfeeding. I honestly don't know what the future will bring for us and I have seen 2 LC's.

    So don't feel guilty, I have been there. Happy mum, happy baby. As you watch your little guy thrive you will begin to lose the guilt.

    Sent from my HTC Desire using Tapatalk

  9. #9

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    Have you been well supported in your BF journey? DH, family, friends a lactation consultant?

    Support is a big part of successful breastfeeding. Also it can take many weeks to settle in to it and everyone is different. If you have been following the advice of books etc and trying feed to a set schedule it might be not the right thing for you.

    Its hard to know exactly what you have been through with out knowing more detail. All I can say is that BF is possible and even one BF a day is still really beneficial for your babe. Im happy to chat/write more if you want to PM me. As for guilt it does fade in time but if I can help in anyway to help you find a way Im happy too

    Sending much love and support your way.

  10. #10

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    Please dont be hard on yourself, you have done a fantastic job.. its not easy, and you are not alone.

    My DS is now 21months, and to be honest it did take quite a while for the guilt to subside. I stopped BF at 5-6 weeks after lots of issues, and I hated that I stopped but at the time I did what I had to do for the sake of DS and my own health both physically and mentally.

    Every now and again it still makes me sad/upset that we missed out on the journey together (esp when I see other mums out and about feeding) but I had to come to a point (which only you can tell when its time) that I had to let it go. I am getting there, I am still disappointed and I dont think that will ever go away, but I think I have come more at peace with it.

  11. #11

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    Hey beautiful,

    You are my hero. You have done well. Just like I did, you explored all options and it just did not work out. It took me awhile to get over the guilt but I only needed to look at dd thriving on formula to realise my decision was the correct one. I also started feeling better when I noticed not only was dd happier because I was not stressed but my mental health had improved by 100%. Everyone that matters supports you hon. Hugs! xx

  12. #12

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    Thanks everyone. I still feel terrible but your words of support mean alot. I think I need to start by talking to DH. I find i shut down when I dont want to disappoint him.

  13. #13

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    i haven't been in the same position, but i did worry an awful lot about BFing early on & what i can say in hindsight is that i wish i had just stopped worrying, focussed on whether my DS was happy & healthy & well fed (no matter whether it was BF or FF) & enjoy those early months. time flies past & in a matter of months you'll be wondering why you used up so much energy worrying about it & giving yourself a hard time unnecessarily.

    if your baby is well nourished, then you couldn't possibly be disappointing anyone i think you're right - you do need to talk to your DH & let him know how you're feeling. chances are he just wants you to be happy & would only be disappointed cos you are (hope that makes sense!).

    be kind to yourself

  14. #14

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    Quote Originally Posted by sloane View Post
    i haven't been in the same position, but i did worry an awful lot about BFing early on & what i can say in hindsight is that i wish i had just stopped worrying, focussed on whether my DS was happy & healthy & well fed (no matter whether it was BF or FF) & enjoy those early months. time flies past & in a matter of months you'll be wondering why you used up so much energy worrying about it & giving yourself a hard time unnecessarily.

    if your baby is well nourished, then you couldn't possibly be disappointing anyone i think you're right - you do need to talk to your DH & let him know how you're feeling. chances are he just wants you to be happy & would only be disappointed cos you are (hope that makes sense!).

    be kind to yourself
    So well said!!

  15. #15

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    In the end I asked myself one question, "Have I done everything in my power to make breastfeeding work?" I can honestly say that at the time I did do everything that I could to make it work. I saw lactation consultants, I tried expressing, I took the herbs, I fed frequently, lots of skin to skin. But it still wasn't working. So I made the best decision available to me at the time which was to switch to FF.

    If you can honestly say that you have done everything available to you and it's still not working out, then that should help ease the guilt. I still felt terrible for a while, but it was more about mourning the lost relationship rather than an inability to continue breastfeeding.

  16. #16

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    I went thru what you are now 3 times talk with your DH he wont be dissapointed my DH was proud of me for trying and he saw what a strugle it was.

    go easy on yourself

  17. #17

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    Kylz - you have done a great job babe and I think deep down you know that. But I totally hear you on the guilt thing and if only it was as easy as saying "I will not feel guilty from now on." I struggled with this too and I realised that for me, it was more about what other people thought of me for FF. Was DH disappointed I wasn't able to continue on? Were my BFing friends looking down on me and thinking I wasn't doing the best by DD? There was no magical answer for me to overcome this.........it was time that helped me. Time helped me see that DD was still growing, smiling, playing and entertaining us all and drinking formula too. I realised that I had absolutely not taken the easy option. FF involves steralising and mixing and shaking and preparation. BFing is such a wonderful process and it's my ideal but not for once do I feel like I took the easy option by FF.

    I hope you can overcome these feelings soon Kylz..................you have a gorgeous DS

  18. #18

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    you are not doing anything wrong, you are recignising that he isnt getting enough and doing something about it.
    it is better that you do what you feel you need to and relax knowing he is getting what he needs, then to keep going and stressing that he isnt getting enough.
    for me the sleep deprivation of them constantly feeding was enough to make the swich, once i had 'proper' sleep i knew it was the right choice. and altho id like to make 6 months this time, i know if i have to stop then it is the right thing for her, and she will still be my baby with out the boobie.

    no idea if any of this make sence, sorry.

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