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thread: What happens to the sisterhood when you FF?

  1. #55
    BellyBelly Life Subscriber

    Feb 2006

    im so sad to see that this thread has become more about mother AGAINST mother than mothers SUPPORTING mothers, were women, mothers and nuturers, lets leave it at that, go cuddle and love our kids no matter how we feed them, why not come up with ideas on how we can as a group help others, create more awareness about the lack of help many get when it comes to breastfeeding, why not try and make a difference even if its to just one other mum?

  2. #56
    BellyBelly Member

    Jul 2005

    I sympathise with someone feeling attacked over something that has been said to upset them.

    But starting a thread, bagging out a person for what they said and not dealing with this directly with the person involved - not cool.

  3. #57
    BellyBelly Member

    Jan 2009
    hiding under my desk!

    OK here we go.

    it was Me who said those "things" to KL, SO KL i apologise for not putting things elequently, as a BFer who FFed too i wanted to say that i put my bfing before my own feelings as providing the best for my child was more important to me! that was the point behind what was said. I have the grace of a brick! when it comes to the written word and making my self clear.

    18 months has passed since then, KL is happy with her choices.

    like what has been said many times on BB only the reader can interperet the posts made, how the reader on that particular day feels changes it to.. so posters can not be held accountable for others feelings. but are accountable to themselves and to provide factual information.

  4. #58
    BellyBelly Life Member - Love all your MCN friends
    Add Gigi on Facebook

    Jun 2004
    The Festival State

    pretty butterfly - you know i am still bf-ing bilby, so i can't say i have been in your shoes with this one.

    but i did feel similarly with
    - having a emergency c-section when i had my heart set on a drug free homebirth
    - the post c-section complications that stopped me using slings/carriers

    both where things i felt passionately about (just like you wanted to bf)
    both where things that ended up, decided for me, out of my control
    i felt like a failure in both instances
    and constantly reading about
    - successful home, drug free waterbirth stories
    - mums using slings.carriers all the time
    really did get under my skin.
    i'm sure i read plenty of comments, from people doing these things, extolling their virtures, that put "salt in my wound".
    They weren't to know my individual circumstances
    How hard to tried to make these things happen, but they didn't

    I have had a "journey" with bf-ing.
    It wasn't easy.
    So when i talk to women about bf-ing, i try to slip in "i feel very fortunate that i was able to do it (product milk) and that bilby was able to breastfeed (able to suck)". cos i DON"T take it dfor granted, either that we would be able to do it, or that every other woman is able to do it.

    i see it as an IDEAL.
    (just like the water home birth, and the using baby slings, were ideals for me also).

    mothering seems like a lucky dip to me.
    i researched and aimed at different things.

    some worked out
    (using cloth nappies, breastfeeding)
    both took time, effort and constant learning

    some didn't work out
    (natural birth, slings, EC-ing)
    regardless of how much i researched, life intervened.

    so i really hope, none of my pro-bf-ing comments have upset you hon, to me, bf-ing is something to AIM for, something to TRY, but it is not suitable for every baby, not suitable for every mum, not suitable for every family (support from your dh and relatives is very important, to make a go of it i think).

    if something i said upset you, please PM me, i would like the chance to explain, make it better, apologise etc.

    i still feel devastated that i didn't have the natural birth experience, so much emotion attached to these things, so i get why you are upset about wanting to bf and things not working out, to carry out that wish/plan/desire.

    Breast may be best, but formula was invented for a reason.
    BF-ing is not always possible, and in those cases, babies still need to survive.
    Formula is a brilliant invention for those instances.
    i have met some mums in this boat, for whom it took a long time to find a formula that their bub's stomache could handle, so it's not an easy alternative. I know a particular bub whose mum tried a Holle organic formula and that one her tummy could handle.

    Whether you feed formula way or breast way, you need support.

    i've been dissed plenty of times FOR breastfeeding bilby. Very upsetting. Been told, ever since she was 5 months old, "Why isn't she on FF"? even by medical professionals!!

    so WHATEVER you do, support is needed.

    it seems, as soon as you have a child, EVERYONE and their dog feels like they can force their opinon on you! it's really hard! especially to cope with those words, when you are tired, overwhelmed with looking after a baby etc.

    but people who love you, people who count, will think before they speak, take the time to find out WHY you are doing what you are doing. The truth is, whatever you do for your child, you HAVE thought about to the nth degree, you know your own history. i know it's exhauting explaining that to all and sundry. Choose your battles. Only explain it to people that it's worth explaining to (not just one-offs who you will never see again).

    your child
    your body
    your decision

    if it's too painful to talk about it, think of a comeback to use, to brush them off, or just change topic. "This is what works for us". "We tried our best, and this is what we need to do". whatever works/suits you to say.

    you only have SO MUCH emotional energy, conserve it for things that matter (like explaining the situation to someone you WILL have an ongoing r;ship with, who really needs to know).

    thinking of you.

  5. #59
    BellyBelly Member

    Oct 2007
    Ever so slowly going crazy...

    I sympathise with someone feeling attacked over something that has been said to upset them.

    But starting a thread, bagging out a person for what they said and not dealing with this directly with the person involved - not cool.

    Spot on.

  6. #60
    BellyBelly Life Subscriber

    Jun 2005
    Blue Mountains

    Despite the tendency of some BF promotional literature to hype the magical qualities of BM and to expose the alleged dangers of formula, it should be remembered that formula milk is a safe and nutritious alternative to, or addition to, BM. FACT.
    *watches the pendulum swing back & forth*

    for a thread that was supposedly started about feeling unsupported and complaining about bullying... there's been a fair bit of bullying of those providing support for breastfeeding.. now to the point where it's being spouted that benefits of breastfeeding are only magical hype and any risks or dangers of formula feeding are only "alleged" because formula is as good as, if not better than breastmilk? Why bother trying to breastfeed at all if this is FACT.

    And I totally agree that if there are issues with what someone has said.. take it up privately. Mob mentality can get out of control very quickly. No one deserves to be tarred & feathered, whether there are higher expectations on them or not.

  7. #61
    BellyBelly Member

    Apr 2008


    I dont normally like to comment on these threads and its not because of the content, but I read the other thread and I think that this thread was totally unnescesary and should be closed.

    In the other thread, the poster apologised for the misinterpretation and explained themselves and this thread slandering someone was still opened.

    I really do agree that a PM is much better than a public slandering. Just my opinion of course but I am sure many would agree.

  8. #62
    BellyBelly Member
    Add Jakabella on Facebook

    Nov 2007
    in Love!

    One of the main things that make FF mums feel like crap are when ppl say "formula feeding is dangerous and risky" Just stop and think about being told that how you feed your baby is risky and dengerous. It makes you feel like crap weather you have choosen it or had it forced apon you. Evey mum WANTS to do what is best for thier baby, I had no choice, Bella would have died. I get that it was out of my control and alot of other mums control - yep I get that breast is best. Many cant do that and when you already feel like a failure its a very very very hard thing to hear that they way you HAVE to feed your bub is dangeous and risky.


  9. #63
    BellyBelly Life Subscriber

    Jun 2005
    Blue Mountains

    Just stop and think about being told that how you feed your baby is risky and dengerous. It makes you feel like crap weather you have choosen it or had it forced apon you.
    I would feel the same as I do when people talk about the risks of immunising and I have my children immunised. I'm glad to know the risks that are involved. I'm not sticking my head in the sand about it and hoping no-one ever speaks of the risks of immunisations ever again.

  10. #64

    Dec 2005
    not with crazy people

    PEOPLE!!!!!! FFS

    The part of BB is titled


    PLEASE consider that before you post..man. Motherhood is hard enough without having to justify yourself in a section especially made for the stated reason

  11. #65
    BellyBelly Member
    Add Jakabella on Facebook

    Nov 2007
    in Love!

    PEOPLE!!!!!! FFS

    The part of BB is titled


    PLEASE consider that before you post..man. Motherhood is hard enough without having to justify yourself in a section especially made for the stated reason
    Well said Maz.

  12. #66
    ♥ BellyBelly's Creator ♥
    Add BellyBelly on Facebook Follow BellyBelly On Twitter

    Feb 2003
    Melbourne, Victoria, Australia, Australia

    I am going to close this thread as I have received numerous reports about it, but since I just found it this moment and read a few comments, I just wanted a chance to comment.

    As I mentioned in the post of the specified thread, I had a very long, tiring and stressful day, both with the BB server and in my personal life in a big way, and I was trying to escape online and be positive, which failed dismally - I wasn't thinking straight but I did get online the next day and explain myself.

    The feelings we create within ourselves, about anything in life, are our own self imposed feelings, our own reactions based on our past experiences and based on rules we set ourselves. Some people feel that they have failed when they choose formula. Some people are fine and know it's what the needed to do, water off a duck's back.

    I have recently read a great book, 'Heal Your Wounds and Find Your True Self' by Lise Bourbeau and it talks about this. I take no offense to this thread because I know the poster has her own wounds (the way she feels) and the resulting behaviour, thoughts and actions are the 'mask' as they call it (which protects the wound that she feels). For those who feel like they have failed, at birth, breastfeeding or anything in life, I really recommend this book. I have been able to deal with my own and others emotions and feelings of failure, guilt, worthlessness, depression and all the rest that we hate living with. Who wants to keep going on in life feeling like this, carrying our wounds to the grave? I had an epidural once, I had a drip once. I tried formula before. But I don't feel like a failure. I did what I knew at the time.

    All I can suggest from a practical level (for those who want to avoid it before it happens) is that if you have a goal for a normal, natural birth, or to breastfeed - then do your research and set yourself up for the best chance possible at that. For example, if you don't want a c/s, research says that you're 50% less likely to have a c/s with a doula and less likely if you homebirth. You are more likely to succeed at breastfeeding, less likely to have PND etc. It's up to you to choose options to give you the best chance at something important to you.

    I believe BB provides a great platform for this and it's not about to change. It never will. It's empowering and educating where there is a major lack of it, in a time when doctors have more and more control over women and birth. It is challenging for some people what we talk about... but its amazing the life changing experiences some people have had as a result. The amount of times I have been thanked for being able to provide a platform to learn about certain things like doulas (loads of BB members have them now or are doulas themselves), vaginal breech birth or homebirth. Many people tell me they wouldn't have had or done these things without the help of BB, and are so grateful for the incredible experience they didn' t know existed before.

    For those of you who weren't able to breastfeed for whatever reason, and they are all valid reasons, then you need to do something to help deal with the emotions it creates in you when you read these things or you will keep feeling negative, unsupported and like a faiure. The more you do this, it breeds more of the same, you attract more of it because you are hypervigilant to it. What you think about, you bring about. Your interpretations and what it creates in you is a result of an emotional wound not someone else's words. No matter what someone says to you in any walk of life, how you choose to react to it will effect your own feelings and emotional wellbeing. Yet it can be fixed and repaired so it never bothers you again... as the book says, you need to expose your wound for what it is - for example imagine a wound on your hand, wrapped up in a bandage... then when that bandage starts to come off, you need to stop pulling your wounded hand away and yelling that it hurts when someone tries to touch it - you need to allow it to be and retrain your thinking that this doesn't hurt and someone is just touching your hand.

    Im sure I will make some people angry, especially those who are struggling to come to terms with how they feel and who have a brick wall up in defence. But think about the real reason you feel anger. I have not insulted, abused or flamed anyone in this or a previous thread. I have not been nasty or sworn at anyone or told anyone they are useless. Maybe inside you believe that, but I didnt tell you. Someone reacted to what I said and you just have to understand that we are all in control of our reactions and emotions and the sooner we realise that, the sooner we can be harmonious and comments will no longer effect us. Someone could tell me that babies who have had epidurals at birth have a shorter life span - well I wouldn't hate myself for it. I just didn't know, and I couldn't cope with the pain of the induction. In the same situation, I don't think I would have coped with the induction without an epidural even now. Personally I like my thoughts to be challenged, I like emotional growth and will never block the opportunity to do so.

    People: We can choose to get angry and defensive or we can reflect and choose to prevent our ego from putting our mask up resulting in all these emotions and lashing out. Your choice.

    Have a read of that book I suggested - it's life changing, especially if you are struggling with something in your life or an emotion that just keeps coming back up. Its empowering to have contol over that emotion.
    Last edited by BellyBelly; November 15th, 2009 at 05:20 PM.
    Kelly xx

    Creator of BellyBelly.com.au, doula, writer and mother of three amazing children
    Author of Want To Be A Doula? Everything You Need To Know
    In 2015 I went Around The World + Kids!
    Forever grateful to my incredible Mod Team

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