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Thread: Having my gay friends baby?

  1. #1

    Default Having my gay friends baby?

    Sorry if I posted this in the wrong section, I wasn't sure where else this question would fit.



    My name is Sarah, I'm 18 and I recently met this guy, he's 33 and openly gay. He is currently my boss at the supermarket where we work at (Don't let the fact he's my boss change your answer). Well him and I have become quite close friends in the year I've known him, we text a lot and hang out on the weekends as well as working together Monday to Friday. He currently lives by himself, we have discussed the possibility of me moving in with him so he doesn't have to move out due to money issues (plus I want to move out and would love to live with him). I'll probably move in with him in a few months.

    Anyway, the topic of children came up a few weeks ago and well I haven't really been able to stop thinking about something. This guy has always wanted to be a dad but since he's gay he's never been able to, he feels that he is missing an important part of life by not having this opportunity especially since he is getting to be in his mid-thirtys...

    What if I gave him the opportunity to be a father? (We discussed this also) I believe that our friendship is equal to those in a relationship, we both care for each other a lot. Obviously if we were to do this we would make sure that we were both fully comitted to the idea before trying for a baby. Would we be frowned apon for going through with this? Any helpful advice would be appreciated.

  2. #2

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    I would suggest that you don't go down this path until you are much older. What seems like a good idea at 18 is generally not. I wouldn't recommend a child to anyone that is 18, especially if they are not in a proper relationship.

    You may not realise it now, but a friends relationship will not give you what you want.

    I understand your desire to help your friend, but going through with that would have a massive impact on your own life.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Artechim View Post
    I would suggest that you don't go down this path until you are much older. What seems like a good idea at 18 is generally not. I wouldn't recommend a child to anyone that is 18, especially if they are not in a proper relationship.

    You may not realise it now, but a friends relationship will not give you what you want.

    I understand your desire to help your friend, but going through with that would have a massive impact on your own life.
    I have to agree. Has your friend look at what options he does have available?
    I can't change your mind but if you do go through with the idea, i'd suggest some councilling and some legal advice also.

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    How exactly do you think the 'trying for a baby' part will work?

  5. #5

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    You're 18 and he's your boss. There is a huge power imbalance right there.
    You have your whole life to have babies. Your bosses situation might make you sad but he is not your responsibility.

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    I think the bigger question is, are you ready to be a mother? This wouldn't be as simple as having your gay boss' baby. This would be a lifetime of commitment for you and what exactly would the roles be? Would he expect you to hand over full custody of the child for him to raise or would he expect you to raise the baby (and suffer financial penalty from not working for potentially the next 5-6 years) and he just be a weekend dad? Would he pay child support? Would you try to conceive this baby the 'old fashioned' way or through IVF? Who would pay for the IVF? (Which can cost 10's of thousands of dollars). Would you even be prepared to go through the hormonal and emotional upheaval that IVF places on the body? What about when you are older and you meet someone else - having a child with someone creates a whole lot of history that you then have to take with you into future relationships.

    And then there is the fact that he is your boss and is a lot older and that inherently means he has power over you. he is only 33. As a man, he still has plenty of time to become a father with someone who is better equipped to deal with the complex nature of what he is asking you to do. It sounds to me like he's groomed you for this. I would bet good money on him dropping your friendship like a ****ty rag if you turned down his offer.

  7. #7

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    Quote Originally Posted by Sarahm92 View Post
    I believe that our friendship is equal to those in a relationship, we both care for each other a lot.
    It is not equal to those in a relationship because you are not in a relationship and will never be in a relationship with this man.

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    I'm a little confused. You say you want to have HIS baby, but you mention the two of you will be living together. So, would you be a surrogate or would you be the baby's mother? It seems you are actually talking about co-parenting and I'd wonder if you're really ready for a baby?

    It sounds as though you are more attached to this man than is fully healthy because you are not in a relationship with him. He wont always be single and you wont always be living together.

  9. #9

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    Quote Originally Posted by Trillian View Post
    It sounds to me like he's groomed you for this. I would bet good money on him dropping your friendship like a ****ty rag if you turned down his offer.
    This is what I immediately thought.

    You could suggest looking at the topic again in another 5-7 years. That will allow you time to enjoy being a young adult before becoming a mother. It will also show if he is likely to be someone that will stick around. At 19 my DP at the time wanted marriage and babies, I suggested waiting til I was 21 - well he didn't stick around til then and I am forever grateful for suggesting this.

    I personally would be steering clear of this man completely as something just doesn't sit right about the situation.

  10. #10

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    If you are interested in being a gestational surrogate or egg donor, that's one thing. There are a number of forums that could help you with that. The process involves various medical tests and counselling as well as legal issues.

    If you're thinking of getting a pregnant because you want a baby, then there are a number of options there: including boyfriend/fianc?/husband, sperm donation. A one night stand is also an options but involves an enormous risk to your health/life as well as putting another human being in an awful situation. That's just the bloke, let alone the child. Then there's the lifelong responsibility to the child.

    If you're thinking of conceiving a child with your gay friend because you fell sorry for him/ want to rescue him from childlessness/ feel obligated, then the issue you're most likely dealing with is codependency. Which is your own stuff that you need to work on, rather than bringing a new soul into the world as an expression of your need to be needed. A human being is not an object you can gift someone. Any child is an individual with rights of their own; you will then have a responsibilty towards for the rest of your life. That means having a relationship, good or bad, with this man as well. As many single mums can tell you, there is a special hell called child support and trying to raise a child when a relationship breaks up.

    What are you planning on doing? Have sex with your gay boss who you're planning on moving in with? That crosses the lines of so many boundaries it's not funny. Even if you use insemination, you'll both want to get tested for diseases and then get tested again six months down the track before going ahead with it. Can you trust him to use condoms during all forms of sex in that period?

    have you discussed this with your parents, siblings or close friends? What do they say? If you don't have that kind of support, I would suggest you seek counselling before even making this kind of offer. With all kindness, I would suggest you seek counselling anyway. It sounds to me like don't have the best understanding of boundaries and self-respect. In the meantime, it may be worth your while researching co-dependency and seeing if you fit the description.

    ETA - other things to consider include the effect of pregnancy and birth on your own physical and mental health. I'm not saying this to scare you, but because these are some of the realities many women face. How might the two of you handle possible infertility, miscarriage, hyperemesis gravidarum, pre-eclampsia, gestational diabetes, poor prenatal diagnosis (ie. a baby with a severe abnormality), antenatal and/or post natal depression, SPD, cholestasis of pregnancy, birth and all it's variations and risks, prolapse, fistula, haemorrhage, infection. These things can and do happen to many women. It's one thing to undertake these risks because you want to birth and raise a soul, it's another thing to risk this for a man nearly twice your age who may well be grooming you for this.

    Who will pay the bills? If he's already struggling to pay the rent, then what happens when he has a baby and you to support? What happens if things go pear shaped and he fights for custody?
    Last edited by LionsandBears; February 5th, 2013 at 08:40 AM.

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    If you are honest with yourself, do you think you have feelings for this man the extend beyond friendship?

    Have you been in a serious relationship before? His age & professional status in your life is one thing, but for me your age is the deal breaker. Dont get me wrong I have no problem at all with a couple planning a family at a young age. But you are basically setting your self up (on purpose) to be a single Mum.

  12. #12

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    If you were my daughter I would have some major concerns, you have your whole life ahead of you. It sounds like you feel sorry for this man and giving him a baby will make him happy. There are so many issues you need to consider and the ladies here have given some great advice.

    Regards,
    Dianne

  13. #13

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    L&B has covered all my points in much more detail than I would have


    And there's other things ... do you intend to breastfeed for the first year or two? How will that work, if you're perhaps not planning on being in the baby's life long term?


    What might happen if you have your boss's baby and he changes his mind and no longer wishes to be a father?


    Or if during the pregnancy or after the birth you cannot bear to part with the child, and then you have a custody battle on your hands?


    Are you even going to be on the lease? What if he changes his mind, or you have a fight, or he kicks you out? Can you afford to support yourself, and a baby? What if you can't work?


    Going on for the question about birth issues or having a baby with higher level of needs (physical, mental, developmental, other) is this something you are able to willingly buy into at 18 with a guy you've known for about a year who you're not in a committed relationship with?


    And on the question of money - if he's already having trouble making ends meet (even though he's evidently in some sort of management roll, and 33 years old) to the extent that he's asking an 18 year old staff member to move in and help out, how exactly does he plan on supporting a baby?


    Is it intended that he would support you during the pregnancy? What if you have a rough pregnancy or complications and you can't work? Will you be pooling finances? Will you be relying on Centrelink?


    Do you have health insurance, or would you and the baby be relying exclusively on public health care for appointments, scans, bloodtests, etc? Plenty of people certainly opt to go through the public system, but from my experience, I've had to wait up to 3 hours for my appointments, have missed days of work because things are running really late or I've had to go to different places for tests, etc, which is tricky enough with flexible work hours and a car, and a committed partner of over 10 years helping me out.


    What about when the baby arrives? Who will look after the baby? What will they call you? If you're going to be involved, what will happen if and when you meet someone and want to live with them? Get married? Have more kids? What happens if he meets someone? What if he is actually bi and meets and settles down with a woman, or finds another surrogate and wants more kids with her? If one or both of you partner up and move on, where will the baby live? What about your families? Will your parents get grandparent privilleges? Or will then be expected to butt out because this is your boss's baby?


    What if the child at an older age wants to contact you? Move in with you? Will you be ok to be 30 with a 12yo? Kids have rights to access their parents that don't necessarily go both ways. Have you looked into what your RIGHTS and OBLIGATIONS will be to the baby, and to your boss?


    Have you looked into what policies there are at your work for people sleeping together (irrespective of whether they're in a relationship)? Is there a chance that if people find out one or both of you might lose your job?


    Do you have plans to travel, study more, move interstate? Do you know what you want to be doing in 20 years time? 10 years time? 5 years time? 2? 1?


    What do your friends and family think?

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    No, no, no.

    There are so many issues here that are wrong.

    For starters, he is 33, you are 18. He is your boss. You are only friends, indeed you didn't know him until recently. He is gay. Are you in some way hoping that he will "change" for you? That is not fair to him or to you. How are you going to try for this baby? Presumably if he's gay he won't really want to try the old fashioned way.

    What if you met someone? What if he met someone (he's only 33 for goodness sake - I met my wonderful husband at 35 and we had our first child together at 38)?

    Have you thought about the legalities? Who gets custody of the baby? Who is going to pay/support the baby?

    Don't rush into this. You need some time for yourself to think things through fully. Are you able to speak with your mother, a sister, aunt, grandmother perhaps or is there someone else who you can trust?

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    As the others have said, this is not a good idea on so many levels. Who knows, maybe you and he have a really special bond and will know each other for the rest of your lives. But you may not. I don't think at this stage you can tell and the safest thing to do at the moment would be to at the very least delay this for a few years.

    FWIW, I fell in love with a gay man when I was 18. He said he loved me too. We were both happy with the fact that we would never have sex and discussed getting married because at the time we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. Our friendship/relationship lasted for 18 months and we barely had contact after that.

    It's much too soon to be contemplating this.

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    This all sounds a bit "will and grace". The girls have def. given you some good advice. Hope you can make a good decision.

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    I tend to agree with much of what's been said already in this thread. The fact that he is older or gay doesn't bother me... but your age does. Please understand that developmentally your brain, specifically your "risk assessment" frontal lobe won't be fully developed until you are about 25. Try to accept this limitation you have... I don't mean to be patronising. What you might not be able to factor into the equation is how a decision to have this man's child will affect your future relationships. You have a long life ahead of you. I wouldn't rush into anything. If this is meant to happen... it would be worth the wait. In the meantime I think, as a demonstration of commitment to each other in terms of being potential co-parents I think something tangible you could both do is work on gaining a bit more financial security for yourselves and the child if that's what you both deeply desire. If you can't channel your collective energies into that then I would question the wisdom of pursuing something as permanent as parenthood.

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